Relationship Success in a Modern Indian Society

By Geoff Herridge

This book was originally written for readers in the west as the issues and points I am making relate to a 'western style' relationship. However with the change happening in India I believe I can also offer the Indian people some ideas that they may be able to use in their own relationship as these changes occur. As people of nations such as India come into contact with different cultures and like what they see, they will start to adopt many of these new things. And there will always be that initial struggle as there is an adjustment period as the two cultures clash. There will often be the older generation living with the traditional culture and the younger people who embrace the changes, but who still have respect for their parents and grandparents.

These influences can be both positive and negative, and because the world has become such a smaller placed due to globalization it is very difficult for most societies to avoid outside influences. Every culture has something good to offer and I believe it is a case of having a balance between cultures.

Studies and research of what are good and bad relationships have been conducted in the west for many years and there are many good ideas for making relationships work. I hope what is in this book will help you on the way to a great and happy relationship.

In observing and listening to others I have also looked at my own, and what I consider successful, relationship with my wife, Wendy, of 29 years and partner of 34, and I'd like to take you on some of our journey.

What this book is trying to achieve is to identify a number of ideas that 'practised' on a regular basis will become part of our lifestyle. Undertaken over a period of time they become second nature and require little thought. They do not require a great deal of thinking.

It is natural that marriage and relationships will go through changes and adjustments and mistakes will be made. As more western style characteristics become common within these relationships, people will recognize that marriage is a very important part of their lives and something that requires work, understanding and responsibility. Being able to have a quick divorce is not a solution to marriage or relationship problems.

In India there is no greater event in a family than a wedding. Weddings are a great tradition and the event involves the efforts of many people.
The personal and financial investment in a marriage makes it important that we choose carefully who we want to spend the rest of our life with. This book provides some suggestions in helping you find that special person.

Indian marriages are now to some extent freer as people have more opportunity to marry who they wish. This allows couples to marry for love, rather than if the family or parents approved or influenced their decision in choosing a partner.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Geoff Herridge
• Release date: Oct 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311768100

Geoff Herridge

The most important thing first...I have been married for nearly thirty years to my beautiful wife Wendy, and we have three fabulous children - Daniel, Matthew and Charlotte. I have had a varied career in project management, town planning, aid work in places such as China, Thailand and Vietnam, and mental health. I enjoy adventure stuff. I have driven a V8 around a race circuit, flown a plane (ably assisted by the instructor who had his hands hovering over his controls), sky dived and flown in a balloon. Wendy and I love travel - 4 weeks in Italy and Greece being the highlight - and will be going to Langkawi for our thirtieth wedding anniversary in 2016. I am passionate about health and fitness. I have trained in Tae Kwon Do for 35 years reaching 2nd dan black belt level. I am a qualified personal trainer and have developed training programs over the past 15 years. I have had three books published in Australia and India (unfortunately I still need a daytime job) and have drafted five eBooks which are waiting in the wings to be uploaded to various platforms. My posts provide some clues to the content, with two books to be released specifically for the Indian and China market. I am currently developing a web site for this purpose.

Book preview

Introduction

Why this book?

I believe many personal relationships are not functioning the way many people intended them to when they first entered them. These observations are often of first hand experiences from acquaintances and friends, research, and advice from others. I have studied relationships in countries such as India where society is going through major changes. Sometimes the people in these countries start to come into contact with influences from the west, which can have its good and bad points. For this book, I have focussed on relationships in India which have changed greatly over the past ten to twenty years. There have been some very positive changes and changes that are not so good.

This book was originally written for readers in the west as the issues and points I am making relate to a ‘western style’ relationship. However with the change happening in India I believe I can also offer the Indian people some ideas that they may be able to use in their own relationship as these changes occur. As people of nations such as India come into contact with different cultures and like what they see, they will start to adopt many of these new things. And there will always be that initial struggle as there is an adjustment period as the two cultures clash. There will often be the older generation living with the traditional culture and the younger people who embrace the changes, but who still have respect for their parents and grandparents.

Studies and research of what are good and bad relationships have been conducted in the west for many years and there are many good ideas for making relationships work. I hope what is in this book will help you on the way to a great and happy relationship.

In observing and listening to others I have also looked at my own, and what I consider successful, relationship with my wife, Wendy, of 29 years and partner of 34, and I’d like to take you on some of our journey.

Both in India and the west, women are more likely to end a relationship than a man, which suggests that men’s understanding of what women want or need from a relationship is perhaps not clear. While I may be at times critical in this book of the way men do approach relationships, I do so in the hope that improvements can be made. It is not possible to make improvements without knowing where these improvements should be made and I believe we are all open to new ideas. However this book is very much for both men and women.

What this book is trying to achieve is to identify a number of ideas that ‘practised’ on a regular basis will become part of our lifestyle. Undertaken over a period of time they become second nature and require little thought. They do not require a great deal of thinking.

Chapter One and Two in this book relating to Relationship Change in India and Choosing Your Partner provide some background to this topic. I have included them as background on what changes have been occurring in India and some ideas for those who are looking for a partner or who are in a relationship that is still new and are looking for guidance.

How to get the best use out of this book

The next few chapters will help to provide some structure and discipline in your relationship, while allowing flexibility as circumstances change. Rather than follow any general model that can be fitted to all relationships, I think it is important that the focus is on your own circumstances. Therefore not everything in this book applies to your own relationship. Yes there are some common principles that will be right for most relationships such as good communication and understanding your own partner, however I am hoping that you will think about where your relationship is and develop your own path to success using some of the guidance in this book.

Changing what you do is the key to changes that you want to bring into your relationship. In most cases you can only do what is in your control, while respecting your partner own needs. For example you cannot make your partner talk to you, however you can take the initiative and talk to them or have a relationship that encourages communication.

If you can identify and act upon your partner’s needs, desires and wants (provided they’re reasonable) then you’re indicating that our relationship is important. Your partner will hopefully respond to the changes you are bringing into the relationship, with the result that you will both become more involved in the relationship and bring new meaning to it.

This book has provided some ideas you can use or adapt to your own circumstances, or be used in any future relationship. Hopefully it will also assist in creating a greater understanding of yourself and illustrate ways to improve your own way of thinking and behaving.

Chapter 1

Relationship change in India

There have been some major transformations in Indian society over the past twenty to thirty years. The major change of course has been the economic growth that the country has experienced in this time. With this change have come enormous opportunities for the local people to experience a higher standard of living through increased earning potential and the chances to experience more in life than say their parents or grandparents. The uptake of western culture has also meant some large transformations in relationships and marriage.

These influences can be both positive and negative, and because the world has become such a smaller placed due to globalization it is very difficult for most societies to avoid outside influences. Every culture has something good to offer and I believe it is a case of having a balance between cultures. I have outlined below what I understand are some of the major changes occurring in India.

1.   Western education has made the Indian people more liberated as far as marriage is concerned. Younger people want to study further, obtain a job and start a career before they marry. The age when people marry has also increased over the years.

2.   Extended families, which have traditionally provided the support, are giving way to the nuclear family, which means assistance in the household by the in-laws or grandparents is not as common.

3.   Parents are becoming more educated about the effects of girls becoming married at too young an age. Early marriage can prevent girls from gaining a good education needed for personal development, preparation for adulthood and to assist them in their family life. Studies indicate that an average woman with several or more years of education will marry four years later than someone with little education, and will have fewer children. Little education means missing out on socializing skills, including making friends outside the family circle. It also means that there is less chance of developing independence.

Those women who are abandoned, divorced or widowed have no skills to earn their living and may be pushed into exploitative professions. There is a greater chance of joining or staying within the ranks of the poor. Early marriage can therefore contribute to a life of poverty and a lack of independence.

4.   Indian culture is also quickly adopting technological changes which have improved communication between people and also influenced the way people seek partners.

5.   Marriages in India have been undergoing change including marriages for love becoming more common, and marriage for women and having children appears is being delayed even if there is a greater chance that a marriage may end.

6.   In rural communities particularly, pre-puberty marriage for girls was almost expected. In the late twentieth century, the age of marriage has risen in villages, almost to the levels that seen in cities. Laws governing minimum marriage ages have been passed in various forms over the past decades, although such laws have not often had a great effect on actual marriage practices.

7.   More women and men are working and studying together, in both urban and rural areas. There is a mixing of cultures and a greater choice of marriage partner is becoming very common. The rapid modernization of the Indian cities and the influence of the west on the Indian media have also increased the speed of these changes.

8.   Many young people have a better idea of what they want in life and who they want to live it with. Parents are now more inclined to support then in their decisions. In some cases the children will move away if the parents oppose what their children want. However as modernisation progresses the parents will often identify with what their children want.

9.   Some Indians are now moving away from the traditional types of marriage arrangements such as arranged marriages, the dowry and marrying within the same caste or religion. Indians have realised that the arranged marriage has had its problems. This marriage often occurred before puberty and prevented the children from marrying outside their caste or lower class for marriage. In many cases it was not based on any spiritual value. A marriage such as this often meant that the woman became submissive to the husband and this was often reinforced through violence and abuse. In some cases, classified advertisements in newspapers or the use of marriage brokers are still used when the family finds it difficult to find a suitable partner.

This is unlike modern marriage in which the relationship is based on mutual attraction, common interests and respect for each other.

10.   Marriage in earlier times was stable, but sometimes the quality was low as a result of people having to marry someone chosen for them. It was something people did not think about. It was not that people did not consider divorce; it was more the shame with it. Divorce tended to affect women more and they often found it difficult to marry again once divorced. Now there are higher expectations from marriage and when a marriage is not working it is often the women who will look for professional counseling. They see themselves as the instigator for resolving conflicts and when this fails it often means the marriage is finished.

While the changing attitude in India seems to indicate that Indians feel that one should have the right to divorce, it can still have a stigma attached to it. There continues to be sections of Indian society that feel divorce is never an option, regardless of how abusive the relationship is or incompatible the partners are. A divorced woman often will return to her family, but may not be all that welcome.

11.   Marriage is in a transitional phase in India particularly with more emphasis on equality between males and females. However this has not always come with changing attitudes such as accepting each other’s strengths and weaknesses and accepting division of labour within the household. As a result the divorce rate in India has increased dramatically over the past few years. As a Court advocate mentions:

‘Until 1988 only one civil court handled divorces under the Hindu Marriage Act. Today three family courts are working long hours to deal with petitions from all religious groups. It is assumed then that the divorce rate has greatly increased. Even women from the lower strata file for divorce these days. Women were more accepting two decades ago of chinna veedu.

What has also happened has been the high divorce rate between those who have been married for 15-20 years, where divorces are now occurring because of the husband (in the majority of cases) having an affair or there is violence in the marriage. Marriage counsellors are now becoming more important as a means for trying to save marriages, particularly if marriages in India become easier to obtain and are more acceptable.

Marriages in India now are more strongly institutionalised and there is generally a desire on behalf of partners to try and save them and to build a stable relationship.

12.   The newly found freedom has