Someone Right for You: 21st Century Strategies for Finding Your Perfect Someone

By Edward A. Dreyfus

I am constantly hearing the lament: "Where have all the good men (women) gone?" The way people talk you would think that mates were an extinct species. In this book I will be discussing the issue of mate selection in human beings and ways in which you can increase the odds of finding a "compatible mate."
You do not have to be alone; and there is more than one partner for you if you are willing to change your attitudes and put in a little effort. You must give up certain myths, time-honored beliefs, and begin to take charge of your romantic life. Romance is no different from any other aspect of your life. It requires that you take the responsibility for making it happen. Your perfect partner is not going to materialize out of thin air and appear in your living room. You must develop a plan of action and then act upon it. Many folks are very sincere about their desires to be involved with another person, but are not committed to making it happen. Sincerity is an attitude, while commitment is an action. Sincerity without action does not make anything happen.
Let's take a critical look at some common myths about romance.
Myth I. Luck is the essence of romance. Luck has very little to do with romance other than to maintain the illusion that we are helpless pawns in the game of love. Most folks engage in their search for a partner and then hope for the best. These people have no expectation of winning. Many people approach romance in the same way that they approach a gambling table in Las Vegas. They put their dollar on the crap table, roll the dice, and pray. Professional gamblers, however, do everything in their power to increase the odds in their favor. In addition, professional lovers do everything in their power to increase their possibilities of meeting the person of their dreams.
People tend to pray, wish, hope, and dream about finding their ideal mate, but they seldom develop a strategy or plan of action. They spend more time and energy planning a dinner party than the most important human relationship of their lives.
Myth 2: Marriages are made in heaven. This myth is similar to the first one in that it assumes that relationships are preordained, out of the hands of ordinary mortals. It assumes that we do not have any control over the mates we end up with and that we must settle for those relationships in which we which we find ourselves involved. Human beings make choices. Many of them are poor choices.
Myth 3: There is only one partner that is perfect for each of us. If this were the case, then it would not be possible for people to have happiness in a marriage after the death of a spouse. Clearly, since people do indeed find happiness in second and even third marriages, there is more than one potential mate available for each of us. Our job is to increase the probabilities of finding those potential partners.
In order to find these potential mates we must develop a strategy. Just as there is more than one house that we can fall in love with, there is more than one potential mate. If we increase the pool of available partners, we can then fall in love with any one of them. The trick is to set up our criteria, take appropriate actions, and then allow for nature to take its course.
Romance and love at first sight are integral to our fantasies about mate selection. We love to hear stories about how people fall in love. We love the notion of two people gazing across a crowded room, eyes meeting, and love is in bloom. More often than not, these people are in lust, not love. However, this is not to say that this cannot happen. However, it is unlikely.
More often love grows between two people who have a common connection. It is the common connections that bind us, love then blooms in the soil of mutual interest, mutual respect, and friendship. What my strategy will do is increase the odds of this happening.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Edward A. Dreyfus
• Release date: Dec 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311059550

Edward A. Dreyfus

At the young age of 75 I decided to turn my full-time attention to writing. I had already written five nonfiction psychological books, but figured I could reach a lot more people by writing psychological fiction. I have now completed seven novels. Each one delivers a psychological message about the human condition framed in various genres: thriller, mystery, drama, to name a few. Each book represents a composite of people whom I have met in my practice as a psychotherapist and tells their story in a manner that I hope will cause the reader to reflect on his or her own life. The stories are fiction, but many of the characters are real and the issues they face are challenging.I was born and raised in New York City where I attended grade school, high school and college. I received my doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kansas in 1964. I was in independent practice for 55 years before retiring and am now a full-time writer. I live in Los Angeles with my wife and two dogs.

Book preview

Someone Right For You

21ST CENTURY STRATEGIES FOR FINDING YOUR SPECIAL SOMEONE

(SECOND EDITION)

Edward A. Dreyfus, PhD

Copyright © 2003 by Edward A. Dreyfus, PhD.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

Table of Contents

Preface to the Second Edition

Introduction

PART I MAKING ROMANCE HAPPEN

Chapter 1 Refugees from Romance

Chapter 2 Radical Rethinking

Chapter 3 What About Falling in Love?

Chapter 4 Are You Serious?

Chapter 5 Discovering You

Chapter 6 Assuming Power

Chapter 7 Overcoming Shyness

Chapter 8 Once You Get There

Chapter 9 Intimacy

PART II REAL PEOPLE

Chapter 10 The Sophisticated Adolescent: Business is Business and Romance is Romance

Chapter 11 LA. Woman: A Case of Mistaken Assumptions

Chapter 12 The Playboy: Aggressive, Assertive, Successful Ineffectiveness

Chapter 13 Cruising the Fast Lane: She Scared the Men She Wanted Most

Chapter 14 The Widow Smith: Re-building Romance

Chapter 15 The Momma's Boy: Searching for a Dream Girl

Chapter 16 Finding Someone Right for You

DEDICATED TO ALL LOVERS, YOUNG AND OLD, MALE AND FEMALE, STRAIGHT AND GAY, WHO WISH TO FIND SOMEONE RIGHT FOR THEM AND ARE WILLING TO TRY A RADICALLY DIFFERENT APPROACH TO INCREASE THE PROBABILITY OF SUCCESS.

Preface to the Second Edition

A lot has happened in our world since 1992 when I first published Someone Right for You. The world has changed in many ways since then. But a couple of things have not changed. Single people are still struggling with the perennial issue of how to go about finding an appropriate mate. And secondly, the divorce rate continues to climb.

Despite the increased sophistication of the dating public in matters of technology, singles are still using antiquated approaches to finding their special someone. Someone once said that the definition of craziness is doing the same thing in the same way and expecting a different result. By this definition, most singles are crazy! They continue to prowl the singles bars, go to anonymous after-hours dance clubs, and rely upon happenstance for hooking up with someone special. And they are still failing at finding happiness in a relationship. Yet they persist.

In my office where I work with relationship issues all day, everyday, I still hear the lament, When and where will I find someone with whom I can grow old? When is it my turn to be happy with someone? Hence, I decided that it was time to prepare a second edition of Someone Right for You.

The ideas presented in this book are just as relevant today as they were a decade ago. People are still wanting to find someone with whom they can connect and have an enduring and fulfilling relationship. I firmly believe that the strategies developed in the book work, if you are willing to take the time to follow them. This edition of Someone Right for You includes a section devoted to Internet dating, the latest hot place for people to connect. The world of cyberspace is the new frontier for dating. As exciting as it may be, it also has its dangers. The chapter will guide you through the minefield and help you use the Internet more effectively.

I believe that there is not only a someone right for you out there, but there are several people who are right for you. You just have to know how to go about finding them.

In Someone Right for You I have developed a unique strategy to help you find your special someone. The strategy takes you outside of the box; it puts you in charge. In this book you will learn how to go about developing a strategy that will lead you, step-by-step, to finding someone right for you.

Introduction

The divorce rate in the United States seems to be rising annually. Census figures indicate that nationally we have reached the point where 50% of first marriages end in divorce. In California, the figure is said to be over 60%, with the statistics for second marriages being even higher. I find these statistics alarming.

For the most part, there are three variables that contribute to the high divorce rate.

First, people live longer. When people say till death do us part, they do not realize how long that might be. The longer we live, the longer the period from marriage to death will be. In a world where people marry at sixteen years old and die at forty years old, that period of time is far shorter than for people who marry at twenty and die at eighty. Hence, the odds of maintaining a mutually satisfying marriage decreases as the length of time increases. And as divorce laws change, making it easier for people to dissolve their marriage, the more likely it is that people will divorce.

As people expect more out of marriage and from each other, and as they live longer—with more free time—they have to be more creative in order to keep marriages rewarding for each partner. In the olden days, when expectations were far fewer and the term was shorter the probability of marrying until death do us part was a lot more likely.

Second, our marriage model developed from very pragmatic times. Historically, the model of marriage was heavily based on gender roles, with the man expected to provide financially for his family and the woman was expected to bear children and take care of the home. She was also expected to work in the fields to plant and bring in the crops, but after the Industrial Revolution, it was no longer necessary for her to be in the fields. Nonetheless, she was still expected to take care of home and hearth. It wasn't until relatively recent times that the notion of romance entered the picture as an important aspect of marriage.

The 21st century world is quite different than it was 500 or even 100 years ago. In a world where roles for men and women have changed, where the family structure has changed, where ideas about what constitutes a family have been modified, a single model of marriage is no longer viable. Many people have tried to force their contemporary lifestyle into the traditional lifestyle encompassed by the old model of marriage and found failure. The traditional notion of marriage carries with certain expectations, beliefs, and values that no longer represent a large number of people. Yet no new models have emerged. * [*For the past several hundred years we have tried to make the traditional model work by making modifications rather than devising alternative models, e.g., the two-career model, the Mr. Mom model, the equal partnership model, etc. Each of these models have a different underlying philosophy and may work for different people. The traditional model may work for some people, but not for all.]

In a "one-model-fits-all society, people are left with the belief that the only choices they have is to either marry or not. With multiple models, however, people can choose one that is best for them or even design a custom model, unique for their circumstances. The third reason for the high divorce rates, and the one that is the focus of this book, is that people make poor choices going into marriage. Simply put, people do not choose mates with the same focus and attention to detail that they would put into any other aspect of their life. They believe love is enough . . . until it is not. Lots of stuff goes into making marriages work. And if not attended, some of that stuff can erode even the most passionate, romantic love. The stuff of everyday life tends to do that.

While we would not want to do much to curb the trend of our increasing life expectancy, we can certainly develop better models for long term relationships and marriage. And we can develop better strategies for choosing a mate. It is with this variable in mind that I wrote this book, to help people make better choices. If you choose better going into relationships, the odds of having successful relationships, married or not, will improve.

How do we learn to choose more wisely? What goes into making a choice about a mate? Who teaches us how to choose? Just as romance is a relatively new consideration in the history of marriage, the entire concept of choice is also relatively new. Marriages were often arranged, and in some parts of the world and in some cultures they still are. Choosing a mate on the basis of love rather than for practical reasons is similarly a recent phenomenon. It was within this context that the period of engagement was introduced. The engagement period, and subsequently cohabitation, was supposed to allow couples to have time to get to know one another before taking the big step toward marriage. It didn't work. There is little relationship between the length of the engagement and the viability of the marriage.

Time alone is not enough. One must know what questions to ask and what one is looking for. Simply having a long engagement will not in itself assure a happy and fulfilling marriage. Even people who have lived together before marriage get divorced. Some statistics suggest that the incidence of divorce among people who cohabited before marriage fare no better, and sometimes worse, than people who did not. Why? Based on my experience over the past 40 years working with couples, I have come to the opinion that people simply do not know what they want in a marital relationship. A lot of what they say they want is based on fantasy, myth, and romantic ideals, but not upon self-understanding and serious thought. They ignore significant areas of incompatibility that lead to subsequent irreconcilable differences. It is not until after they are married that they realize what they want and what they expect out their relationship.

This book is designed to help you choose better, ask the appropriate questions, and increase your self-awareness. It focuses on developing strategies for finding the type of mate that you are seeking. It will help you think more clearly about what you want in a mate, what you have to offer, and where you are most likely to find that other person.

You have probably tried many different approaches to meeting the person of your dreams. And, like with so many diets, they just didn't work for you. And neither will the approach I am proposing work for you: You must work for it. It will only be effective if you make a commitment to see it through.

You may be sincere in your desire to find romance, but are you committed to finding romance? What's the difference? In short, sincerity is in your heart, while commitment is in your feet! Sincerity refers to your intent, to your desire, to what is internal. Commitment is what you do. For instance, you may sincerely wish to lose weight, yet still reach for the chocolate. Your level of commitment can be seen in your actions. If you opt for the immediate satisfaction of the chocolate, regardless of the consequences, then you are committed to the chocolate more than to losing weight. Likewise, you may be sincere in your desire to find a mate, but are you committed—committed enough to read this book through with an open mind? Committed enough to do the suggested exercises? Committed enough to change?

It is time for a radical change in your approach to finding romance. If your previous approach worked for you, you probably would not have purchased this book. Too often we settle for that which is simply comfortable, despite it not making us happy. My approach is different. And like all different ideas, it may feel uncomfortable. You must try it on, just as you would a new hairstyle or cuisine, and it might take a while to get adjusted. Don't settle for comfort when you want change. Comfort breeds complacency; new ideas breed change.

My approach requires that you suspend your customary approach to seeking companionship and adopt a new attitude. You must begin to think more like a businessperson seeking an appropriate employee for a high level position in your company, not as someone merely on the prowl. Surely you would not look for upper management of your company in a local pub! You must begin to develop a plan of action if you want to be successful in the business of finding an appropriate mate for you.

None of what I have to say precludes romance. In fact, romance is an essential part of the equation. It just isn't the only part. For years we have relied upon romance as the be all and end all of relationships . . . and look where it has gotten us. A greater than 50% divorce rate. Of those that remain married, we can also ask the question, How happy is your marriage? Just staying married is no real victory.

My contention is that one of the significant reasons so many marriages end up in divorce is because men and women make poor choices going into the marriages. They do not know enough about themselves or the other person.

In most instances, they are not clear about what they want, much less how to go about getting it. In order to increase the probability of finding an appropriate mate, whether playmate or permanent mate, we must learn to choose wisely from the beginning. This book will take you through a number of steps to help you make wiser, more effective decisions about whom your next partner should be.

If you are open to change and are willing to take a few risks, you should find the approach outlined in these pages fun, exciting, and rewarding. You will learn a great deal about yourself. Have fun and be creative. You are about to begin in a journey of discovery.

Part I

MAKING ROMANCE HAPPEN

Chapter 1

REFUGEES FROM ROMANCE

Relationships are in trouble. Divorce is on the increase, fewer people are marrying, and complaints about current relationships are rampant. Men and women decry the scarcity of available partners. People seem to repeat mistakes made in prior relationships even after vowing, I'll never make that mistake again! We don't seem to learn from our mistakes when it comes to relationships; rather we seem to repeat them.

We hear the term codependence, which originally came from those mental health professionals who deal with such addictions as alcoholism, drugs, and eating disorders. The concept referred to the persons whose lives were affected as a result of being involved with someone who was addicted (dependent) to some substance. The term has been broadened to include the process by which partners, relatives, and friends may be participating in the addiction of another person. The most obvious example of this is when a spouse, after complaining about his or her mate's drinking problem, goes out and buys a six-pack while doing the grocery shopping. In relationships, the term is applied to those persons who contribute to the difficulty in a relationship by subtly encouraging the very behaviors that are the basis for the problems. Codependence also refers to the repeated choosing of similar partners who fulfill unconscious needs, despite the destructiveness of the relationship. Thus abused women often choose abusive men. Hen-pecked men choose women who will dominate them, and then complain about the domination without examining their own participation.

Many of the patterns for choosing a mate were laid down during childhood. We tend to emulate parts of the relationships we observed during childhood, most predominantly those of our parents. Often we will try to avoid certain aspects of those relationships while inadvertently imitating others. For example, we can vow we will not do the things that one parent does while not being aware of the effect the other parent is having on us. We subsequently may choose the less dominant parent as a mate in the future ending up in a similar place as our parents. Another uncanny aspect of this process is the fact that we can choose a mate that is like our same-sexed parent as well as the opposite-sexed parent. That is, men can marry women like their fathers, as well as their mothers; and women can marry men like their fathers as well as their mothers.

People who come from dysfunctional families often involve themselves in codependent relationships. Their dysfunctional family, in effect, programs them to choose and behave in relationships in ways that tend to support their original concept of relationships.

Earnie Larson, an expert in the field of codependence, has defined codependency as those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate, or to participate, in loving relationships.

It also has been said that he has defined codependence as any romantic relationship with a neurotic.

Paul Bohannan, a cultural anthropologist at the University of Southern California, who has spent the last four decades studying divorce, states, When you select your own spouse, you unconsciously choose someone who will shore up your own weak points or fulfill your special needs or neurosis. If you choose someone on that basis, it can blind you to the real qualities of the other person. You project qualities onto your partner that aren't really there. Then, once you realize the person you fell in love with isn't who you thought he was, he's a skunk.

After reading much of this it all sounds pretty dismal. How are we going to get out of this mess? Are all relationships doomed even before they start?