Living Life from the Inside Out: Who You Are Matters

By Edward A. Dreyfus

Most of us define ourselves by the things we own, the titles we earn, the jobs we hold. Many people view these externals as the same as their personal self-worth. Who they are = things they have or bought. This chapter sets the stage for the chapters that follow. Rather than defining ourselves from the outside, I suggest determining self-worth by living from the inside out. Identify your values and live your life by putting those values into action. If we define ourselves from the inside out, we can be stronger, more empowered, and more able to deal with whatever life throws our way.
The book is based on both empirical research and my years of first-hand experience working with individuals, couples, and groups in both my psychological and life coaching practice. It includes case studies, vignettes, and personal experiences with real people with whom the reader can identify. The book is written for people of all ages, men and women, straight or gay. There is something in it for everyone. Anyone who has experienced a personal tragedy, loss of a job, divorce; anyone seeking greater fulfillment and happiness will profit from this read.
Written in a down to earth style it will appeal to both the casual reader and the individual on a quest for self-understanding. It has something for the professional as well as layman interested in human behavior and growth.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Edward A. Dreyfus
• Release date: Dec 3, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311969538

Edward A. Dreyfus

At the young age of 75 I decided to turn my full-time attention to writing. I had already written five nonfiction psychological books, but figured I could reach a lot more people by writing psychological fiction. I have now completed seven novels. Each one delivers a psychological message about the human condition framed in various genres: thriller, mystery, drama, to name a few. Each book represents a composite of people whom I have met in my practice as a psychotherapist and tells their story in a manner that I hope will cause the reader to reflect on his or her own life. The stories are fiction, but many of the characters are real and the issues they face are challenging.I was born and raised in New York City where I attended grade school, high school and college. I received my doctorate in clinical psychology from the University of Kansas in 1964. I was in independent practice for 55 years before retiring and am now a full-time writer. I live in Los Angeles with my wife and two dogs.

Book preview

Living Life from the Inside Out

Who You Are Matters

Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Copyright © 2010 by Edward A. Dreyfus, Ph.D.

Distributed by Smashwords

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Dedicated to my grandchildren, Kailey, Lindsay, Gregory, Jeffrey, and Britney— And my nephews, Joshua, Benjamin, Michael, and Jack—

Follow your dreams, live your passions, make a difference.

Books by Dr. Dreyfus:

Youth: Search for Meaning (1972)

Adolescence: Theory and Experience (1976)

Someone Right for You: Finding Your Special Someone (1992, 2003)

Keeping Your Sanity (In an Insane World) (2003)

Living Your Life Inside Out: Who You Are Matters (2011)

Mickey and the Plow Horse (2014)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I am grateful for having the privilege of participating in the lives of the people who seek my counsel every day. They inspire me with their courage and their willingness to share their struggles. It is through the collaboration with these individuals and couples that the ideas put forth in this volume have evolved.

I thank my wife, Barbara, who challenges and encourages me every day, who has reviewed each chapter, and added her insights, giving clarity to my thoughts.

It is with great appreciation that I thank my son, Dr. David Dreyfus, who is my most outspoken critic and ardent supporter, for meticulously reviewing each chapter. His editorial comments, challenges, questions, and insights were invaluable.

Finally, I acknowledge Shelley Krantz for her editorial dedication, wisdom, insights, suggestions, and going above and beyond the role of editor as she adapted to my style, bringing forth my ideas in a comprehensible manner.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

During the course of over four decades in practice as a clinical psychologist, Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus has helped many individuals and couples struggling to obtain and maintain intimate relationships. In addition to having published four previous books, Dr. Dreyfus has published frequently in professional journals and newspapers, presented at local and national conventions, and has often been quoted in local and national magazines. He has appeared as a guest on television and talk radio shows.

Dr. Dreyfus is a licensed psychologist and a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of California. He is also a certified sex therapist of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. He is a fellow of the American Psychological Association, a diplomate and fellow of the American Board of Sexology, a fellow of the Academy of Clinical Sexologists, a diplomate in professional psychotherapy of the International Academy of Behavioral Medicine, Counseling, and Psychotherapy, Inc., and a diplomate of the American College of Forensic Examiners. Dr. Dreyfus is a registrant in the National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology and the National Register of Certified Group Psychotherapists.

Dr. Dreyfus was a recipient of the Los Angeles County Psychological Association's prestigious Distinguished Psychologist Award. He has received the Los Angeles Mayoral Award for his volunteer efforts with inner-city youth and the U.S. Presidential Award for his work with the underprivileged and disenfranchised people in Los Angeles. He is also listed in Who's Who in America.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Preface

Chapter 1 Living Life from the Inside Out

Chapter 2 Redefining Success

Chapter 3 Living Consciously

Chapter 4 Integrity: A Core Value

Chapter 5 Forgiveness Is a Choice

Chapter 6 Courageous Living

Chapter 7 Love from the Inside Out

Chapter 8 Tweaking Your Life

Chapter 9 Choosing Your Response

Chapter 10 Lessons from Disaster

Chapter 11 The Story We Tell

Chapter 12 Men and Masculinity

Chapter 13 Women and Femininity

Chapter 14 How We Change

Works Cited and Other References

Preface

As children, we're asked, What do you want to be when you grow up? As adults, we're asked, What do you do for a living? We identify with our jobs; they define us. We're often so busy with our jobs that there's little time to question our chosen paths. That is, until life steps in.

The Great Recession of 2008 left hundreds of thousands feeling lost and insecure; a similar but much bigger event occurred in 1929. When such events occur, we could fall into despair or perhaps it could be the time to re-evaluate what we really want out of life. What is most important to you? Most of you would say that you'd like to be better, happier people.

Historically, clinical psychology and psychiatry have focused on ameliorating psychological pain through studying mental illness, seeking treatments for depression, anxiety, addiction, and the myriad difficulties that confront individuals.

For many years, humanistic psychologists, myself among them, have argued that human beings are resilient with the inherent capacity to overcome dysfunctional families, disasters, and mind-numbing personal tragedies. We have stated that much, if not most, of what we describe as psychopathology is the individual's attempt to adapt to these circumstances. We stressed that more time, effort, and research should be expended in understanding how we can help individuals strengthen their capacity to adapt.

I have often said that we should spend more time dealing with the cheese than with the holes.

In 1998, Dr. Martin Seligman, a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and then-president of the American Psychological Association, put out a call for something he called positive psychology. Thus spawned a plethora of research and with it the positive psychology movement was born. Positive psychology, building on the human potential movement of the 1970s, focuses on making normal life more fulfilling. This body of work lent empirical validation to how I had been practicing psychotherapy with my patients for the past forty-five years.

The Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania defines positive psychology in the following way:

This field is founded on the belief that people want to lead meaningful and fulfilling lives, to cultivate what is best within themselves, and to enhance their experiences of love, work, and play.

Positive Psychology has three central concerns: positive emotions, positive individual traits, and positive institutions. Understanding positive emotions entails the study of contentment with the past, happiness in the present, and hope for the future.

Understanding positive individual traits consists of the study of the strengths and virtues, such as the capacity for love and work, courage, compassion, resilience, creativity, curiosity, integrity, self-knowledge, moderation, self-control, and wisdom.

Understanding positive institutions entails the study of the strengths that foster better communities, such as justice, responsibility, civility, parenting, nurturance, work ethic, leadership, teamwork, purpose, and tolerance.

The chapters that follow look at life through the lens of positive psychology. We look at how to learn from natural disasters, redefining the role of men, forgiveness, integrity, love, and courage. You could read from chapter to chapter, skipping what doesn't strike your fancy and focusing on areas of paramount importance to you. Our writings are geared to define how to live life from the inside out.

CHAPTER 1

LIVING LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT

Most of us define ourselves by the things we own, the titles we earn, the jobs we hold. Many people view these externals as the same as their personal self-worth. Who they are = things they have or bought. This chapter sets the stage for the chapters that follow. Rather than defining ourselves from the outside, I suggest determining self-worth by living from the inside out. Identify your values and live your life by putting those values into action. If we define ourselves from the inside out, we can be stronger, more empowered, and more able to deal with whatever life throws our way.

Living Life Outside In

Let's face it: we live in a world of mega-advertising. Everything shouts, Buy me! As kids (and even as adults) we wanted the most fashionable clothing, the latest technology, the newest running shoes, the most popular CDs and DVDs. I remember when I was a teenager in the 1950s, boys defined themselves by the car they drove. We used the term four-wheel personality. As adults, we want to live in the best neighborhoods, drive the best car, own the best clothes, achieve the promotion, earn more money, attain a high-status job title. I am a physician, lawyer, plumber, contractor, artist. When we define ourselves by the money we earn, the jobs we hold, the car we drive, the clubs to which we belong or the clothes we wear, we are living our lives from the outside in. And what about the person who has none of these; does he or she have no self-worth?

Let's take a look at two characteristics of our outside-in culture—first, winning at any cost. In the 1950s, UCLA Bruins football coach Henry Russell (Red) Sanders famously said, Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing. He encouraged competitive excellence. Even though he was motivating his players to give their all to the game, sportsmanship and how one played were still important. Regrettably, over the years, his approach morphed to mean 'win by any means,' and many athletes focused on winning at any cost. When winning comes at the price of sportsmanship, when money and endorsements become the measure of success, when the outcome defines who one is as a person, then we are living outside in.

In industry, sports metaphors became legion. Winning became all-important as companies ruthlessly competed with one another for consumer dollars. The golden rule became he who has the most gold wins. Where were the original Red Saunders values? The John Wooden values? What happened to integrity, sportsmanship, and teamwork?

Second, we have our celebrity culture. Movie stars, and those who are celebrities for doing nothing, fascinate us. We live in a digital age where everyone has a camera. And the audience seems insatiable. We stalk them, read about them, watch them on television. We admire their wealth, love their cars, covet their houses, desire their lifestyles, envy their looks, imitate their styles. What could be more outside in than being in costume, wearing makeup, and reading scripted lines written by someone else? We admire celebrities rather than people of great moral, intellectual, or spiritual character. We look up to