Hilarious Emails

By Shelton Ranasinghe

Every time I wanted to empty my inbox I was hesitant to do so because of the enjoyment I got from reading some of the hilarious emails. After writing a few non-fiction and fictions books in the past, for a change I decided to compile some fun emails into a book to extend the enjoyment to others. So, this is the product.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shelton Ranasinghe
• Release date: Aug 22, 2014
• ISBN: 9780989276344

Shelton Ranasinghe

Shelton Ranasinghe is an author and a retired professional engineer. The exposure he acquired living in five continents over a large part of his active working life combined with his interest on human behaviors, has given him a unique and intimate understanding of putting his thoughts into writing on philosophy and science fiction, combining both these streams.“Self A Delusion” - A good read to understand that the self could arise from deluded cognition.“Thinking Explored” - Cleverly explain how thinking process develops from day one.“Are We Being Fooled by our Brains” - Explore the complexity and cunning nature of the brain.“Our Psyche and Beliefs” - Is an idea of how our brains geared to adore beliefs.“Buddha Impetus to Primitive Psyche” - Refreshingly unforced and thought-provoking dissection of Buddhist doctoring.“Our extraterrestrial Neighbors” - Readers will perceive many complex philosophical overtones beyond the Sci-fi content.“The Phone Rang in the Middle of My Shower” - This Sci-fi explores afterlife, along many religious beliefs.“DoooD” - Excellent Sci-fi on Artificial Intelligence.Shelton’s email address: [e-mail]

Book preview

Hilarious Emails

By: Shelton Ranasinghe

Suited for Adults

This is work of collection of e-mails received by me from my friends. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this book are either products of the author’s imagination; emails received from others or are used fictitiously. Author is not responsible for any of the factual content in the book.

ISBN: 9780989276344

Copyright © 2014, by Shelton Ranasinghe

2665 Devon Hill Road, Rocky River, Ohio 44116, USA

[e-mail]

Smashwords Edition

Published in United States of America

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Every time I wanted to empty my inbox, I was hesitant to do so because of the enjoyment I got from reading them. After writing a few non-fiction and fictions books in the past, for a change I decided to compile some fun emails into a book to extend the enjoyment to others. So, this is the product.

I was hesitant to include the Health Advice section as the claims may not have been independently verified. So, take the advice with a grain of salt.

Sincere thanks to all my friends A to Z who fill my e-mail inbox on daily basis. Special thanks go to my very close buddies Shanthi Herat and Joseph Amerasinghe. A huge percentage of the content in this book is from their frequent bombardment of emails.

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We all smile in the same language!

The best kind of friend: Is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Bill Gates Says: I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult Job…Because; he will find an easy way to do it.

Save the Trees

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Contents

Finally, an email I can forward

How to Call the Police When You’re Old

Retired People

The Silent Fart

Secrets to a Long Happy Marriage

What Is Couple Sex?

Grumpy Gets Sacked

Clever Salesman Lad

Irish Birth Control

'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell'

Hotel Bill

Bank Robbery

Duck Hunter

Arab Students e-mail

Nothing Going Right?

Happy Married Life

90 yr. Old Authur

Touching Story The Wallet

Subject: An Irish Funeral

72-Year-Old Fisherman

Bee Sting

Grandpa in Nursing Home

No smoking and drinking

Co-pilot

Just Love to Hear It!

Kids Answers on the Subject of Marriage

The Cow from India

Wedding Blues

Six Management Lessons in 5 Minutes

Don't laugh too loudly!!!

Wine

Financial Planning

A Loving Husband

Fly a Kite

Men

Women

Exam Questions

Driver's License

New South wales - Australia

Queensland – Australia

Tasmania – Australia

Northern Territory – Australia

Western Australia

Victoria – Australia

Wife & Girlfriend

Medical Examination of Lady

Wedding Pranks

Cry Sardarji, cry

For Men …and Women with a Bit of Humor

‘Udurawana’ the Smart Idiot

The Value of a Catholic Education and a Pencil

The Gender of railway Crossings

Before marriage

F word

Marriage & Wife

Tension, Terror, Horror and Tragedy

We are more valuable than any of the younger generations

The Difference Between Complete & Finish

Brother-In-Law

Little Johnny Becomes Logical Johnny

They Walk Among Us!

Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking?

Never Make a Woman Angry!

A Fart

Gardening with Grandma

Judge Judy

Health Message

Sex Life

Drink Order

Husband & Wife

A Greek and an Italian

Different professions

Traffic Camera

When U Black, U Black

Professional Bank Robbers Vs. Intellectual Hackers!

God’s Promise

Marriage and Marijuana

Weekend bashing

Fart in Public

Pathan Doesn't Pay

Q &A Type

‘Amdan’ the Intelligent Kid

Exam Questions

Daddy, how was I born?

Oh! Boy

Globalization

Raman and Narayan

Stupid Question, Excellent Answer!

A Healing Miracle for Burns

Benefits of Walking

Health Benefits of Honey and Cinnamon

Aspirin Information

About Heart Attacks

Food as Medicine

Coconut water

The Main Causes of Liver Damage

The Top Five Cancer-causing Foods

Eating Fruits

10 Common Habits that Damage the Kidneys

Home Remedies: Acidity, Blood Pressure, Diabetes

Brain Damaging Habits

Interesting Facts

Good Sayings

Unique Nine Letter word

Observations on Growing Older

JUDGE NOT!!

Six Principles of Life

Good Advice to Sixty Plus & to Those Under Sixty...!!

Hi Boss

The Laws of Nature

Brings Back Any Memories?

The Situation

Some Awesome Facts

Questions

Words

Poem in the World

Most Successful People Who Failed at First

Life

Impossibilities in the World

Traps and Trivia

IQ

Other titles written by Shelton Ranasinghe

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Finally, an email I can forward...

I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the years.

I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD READ OF THE OTHER EMAILS.

Funny Stories

How to Call the Police When You’re Old

George Phillips, an elderly man from Melbourne, Australia was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked Is someone in your house? He said No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available

George said, Okay. He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, I thought you said that you'd shot them!