Reaching High

By Genevieve St Claire

Born into an abusive and dysfunctional family, Genevieve found she had healing abilities at an early age. As
she grew, Genevieve developed a profound psychic and spiritual intuition that enabled her to know the
problems of others quickly. In spite of severe family traumas she was over time able to practice yoga and
meditation, and learn spiritual healing methods, hypnotherapy and acupuncture. Genevieve devoted her life to
the use of these tools to help others, and to bring Divine light and love into the human family. Throughout her
life of pain and joy Genevieve studied the ancient wisdoms and practiced their teachings. She ran meditation
and healing groups, and taught methods of self-development, psychodrama and spiritual empowerment. Her
experience of living in a number of countries, East and West, and her compassionate and gregarious nature,
meant that she was able to make close and empathetic bonds with many people. Genevieve's wisdom is down
to earth, yet based on her own life of courage and reaching high for spiritual illumination and practice. This
book is the story of the immense highs and lows of her life, and of the profound wisdom that Genevieve was
able to attain and share with all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: ReadOnTime BV
• Release date: Feb 12, 2013
• ISBN: 9781742841236

Book preview

Reaching High

A lifetime transformation from

childhood abuse to healing enlightenment

by

Genevieve St Claire

Healer, kundalini awakened intuitive, counsellor,

clinical hypnotherapist and acupuncturist

Smashwords Edition

* * * * *

Reaching High

Copyright © 2011 Genevieve St Claire

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

The information, views, opinions and visuals expressed in this publication are solely those of the author(s) and do not reflect those of the publisher. The publisher disclaims any liabilities or responsibilities whatsoever for any damages, libel or liabilities arising directly or indirectly from the contents of this publication.

A copy of this publication can be found in the National Library of Australia.

Edition: 1st

ISBN: 9781742841236 (pbk.)

Published by Book Pal

www.bookpal.com.au

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Contents

Chapter 1

My Most Painful Experience

Year of the Child

Chapter 2

A Wayward Son

Love

Chapter 3

Family Entanglements

Charity

Chapter 4

Unfolding Spiritual Insight

Meditation

Chapter 5

Early Environment

Scales of Justice

Chapter 6

Healing Work

Resolution

Chapter 7

Living in Italy

Unity

Chapter 8

Return to Australia

A New Season

Chapter 9

My New Marriage

The Lovers

Chapter 10

Remarkable Women

Thanksgiving

Chapter 11

New Beginnings

The Preciousness of Children

Chapter 12

We All Grow

On Cancer

Chapter 13

Life in Sri Lanka

Broadening Horizons

Chapter 14

The Monk, the Doctor and the Nun

The Unfoldment

Chapter 15

Another New Beginning

To Walk in Remembrance

Chapter 16

Love Is The Heart of Life

The Garden of Harmony

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Chapter 1

My Most Painful Experience

My second born son Julian took me to lunch in a large crowded restaurant when he was about twenty seven years old. During lunch he told me that he and his partner Peter had just had tests and that their doctor had told them they were both HIV positive. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but Julian told me that I must stop crying or he would walk out of the restaurant and leave me there. With great difficulty I pulled myself together.

Later that day I rang Julian’s partner Peter, they had been together for seven years, and told him what Julian had told me. He said that they hadn’t had tests lately but that Julian may just feel that they were both HIV positive. I felt relieved, although I felt it was very strange that Julian should tell me something like that without medical confirmation. I didn’t tell Julian about my conversation with Peter, I felt that perhaps Julian had endeavoured to prepare me for what he saw as inevitable. Maybe I believed what I wanted to believe.

Several years earlier Peter had left the navy which he had joined when he was a youth of fifteen. At the time he left he had been diagnosed as being HIV positive. He was asked to retire from the navy because of these circumstances, but neither Peter nor Julian explained to me the real reason for Peter leaving the navy at the time. It was my understanding that he was tired of life in the navy and that he wanted to switch to civilian life. Afterwards, they went for an overseas holiday for several months, visiting many countries and having a wonderful time. When they returned, Peter became an IT Engineer for a major bank and Julian continued as a Systems Engineer with one of the largest international IT Corporations in the world.

One afternoon several years later, I had a call from Julian who had just returned home from a business trip to America. Julian told me that when he began to pack in his hotel room, he had begun to feel so ill that he wasn’t sure that he could manage to complete the task, or to even get to the airport. Somehow, probably through sheer willpower, he managed to get there. Then Julian upgraded his travel arrangements from business to first class. When he boarded the plane he took some sleeping pills and asked the air hostess not to wake him until they touched down in Sydney.

When Julian finally arrived home he found that his partner was away on a business trip and he was totally alone with no one to help him. Julian called a doctor whom he didn’t know, because his own doctor wasn’t available. She went to his home and gave him some sulphur based drugs to take. Shortly afterwards he found that he was having a huge reaction to the medication. He immediately rang me and said that he felt that his brain was about to burst and that he had a very high temperature. I told him that I would fly up from Canberra just as soon as I could get a plane to Sydney.

I rang my husband Jeffrey at his office to tell him. I explained that I had managed to get a flight to Sydney and I would be leaving Canberra within two hours. He was very concerned for Julian and was glad that I was going to help him. He said that he would let our sons Randall and Pearce, who at the time were fourteen and thirteen respectively, know when they came home from school. He suggested that I should stay with Julian for as long as he needed me and that he would keep the home fires burning for as long as it was necessary.

When I finally got to Julian’s townhouse in Balmain, I found that he was burning up with fever. I was very concerned to see him so very ill and I immediately assured him that I would bring his fever down as quickly as I could, and that his head and brain would then feel much better. I spent the next few hours bathing him down with cool face washers and towels, until his fever subsided. I also hydrated him with as much cold water as he was able to drink. I spoke to him quietly while I worked, constantly reassuring him that he would soon feel much better, and mentally called on the healing angels to help us. When his fever subsided I made him a light vegetable broth. He ate some of the broth after which he slept for about eight or nine hours. When he awoke he said that he felt much better. We were both greatly relieved.

Whilst I worked with him I asked for Universal healing light to flow into him. All of my four sons have been privy to that kind of healing and found it to be very effective. Whether I placed my hands on their head to help with a headache, or to work with a corked thigh, an asthma attack, a broken nose, a sprained ankle they always had relief and sometimes complete healing. They have never understood how it worked - they just learned that it did.

For several days afterwards Julian slept and rested, his doctor came to see him and Julian felt comfortable and unstressed. I had some quiet time and found myself reviewing some aspects of our lives together. Thoughts of his birth came up. I laboured for forty eight hours before he was born. My doctor was as tired as I was and he had dark two day stubble on his face. Unbeknown to me, the hospital staff gave my first husband Antonio a form which asked him, if it came down to it and he had to choose, whether he would prefer his wife or his baby to live if only one could survive.

My husband became very upset and angry and told them that he would naturally choose his wife, if he had to make such a choice. I was blissfully unaware of all of this drama, floating in and out of my body. Then finally the big moment came and with the help of my wonderful doctor, the nursing staff and the angels, and me of course, Julian was born. He was jaundiced and weighed 4lb 4ozs, even though he was full term. They whisked him away and I fell asleep.

When I awoke, I went straight to the nursery, where I put my hand in the humidicrib and placed it very lightly on Julian and called for healing light to flow through me and into him. I gave thanks for our safe passage; we had both come safely through a long and arduous journey. I went to Julian three times a day for two days and directed healing light into him. At the end of the second day the doctor asked the nursing staff to take him off the oxygen supply and ultra violet ray treatment. Julian’s jaundice had cleared rapidly and his breathing was normal, much to the doctor’s surprise. I silently gave thanks for this lovely miracle.

Julian thrived on my breast milk and all was well. He was an easy baby to rear, even as a small boy his powers of concentration were remarkable. When he was five or six years old he was rarely demanding or difficult. I could sit him down with his meccano set or his Lego and he would amuse himself for several hours at a time. When he was about nine years old, his art work looked as if someone older had created it. Whenever other children were rough or violent with him he hated it. He had never suffered physical violence at our hands and as he grew older he said that he couldn’t understand why people felt the need to inflict such punishment on each other. So I took him to learn Tae Kwon Do when he was seven years old with an excellent martial arts teacher from Korea. Julian learned the principles of self discipline and self-defence, not to attack others but to defend. This gave him new confidence and he was rarely attacked by other children. If anyone confronted him and threatened him with physical violence, he would verbally remind them of his skills in Tae Kwon Do and that was enough.

I feel a close bond with all of my four sons, two from my first marriage and two from my second marriage. They were all different, and I consider myself very fortunate to have had all of my sons. One talent that Julian had that my other sons didn’t share was a very unusual one. He developed the gift to see from the age of eight years of age until he was twelve years old. That is, he could always see the electro-magnetic energy field or aura around people, sometimes so large that it would almost seem as if the beautiful colours that surrounded people touched the sky.

I don’t consider myself to be religious, I am more spiritually inclined. Whenever people ask what my religious persuasion is, I tell them that I am a universal soul and a planetary citizen. The world is my church and I can pray and also make my requests and affirmations to my Father/Mother God wherever I am. I believe that the source of all sources or Universal Father/Mother God has its consciousness and life force in all things places and people, in every atom of the universe, within us and without.

I believe that the God force isn’t something separate, instead it is an integral part of every atom of our beings and all things. What we do with that force is up to us, for we have free will. I always ask for the highest and best outcome for all, and I ask that Universal healing light be directed into everything that I observe is lacking in light. This is for example, when people are depressed and despairing, where there are war zones, where sickness on any level manifests. I also call for light when I become aware of people throughout the world who are deprived of their fundamental rights and human decency. I am aware that our planet is being plundered by greedy ignorant people, and children as well as many others are being exploited to those ends. Each day I call for illumination and enlightenment and healing, love and peace for all those who are involved in those situations. Thoughts are things and energy follows thought, and we can all spend some time doing this every day.

When I become aware of people who are frozen with fear, I call for Universal Light, Love and Healing to fill them and to help them. When fear manifests in our lives it’s as if a mountain blocks our way: fear of death, of life, poverty, sickness, loneliness, of success, of losing a job, of what might or might not happen. The amount of energy that we invest in these types of fear is mind boggling. If we were to invest even half the energy that we invest in our fears in searching for solutions or resolutions, or praying for the highest and best outcome, we would indeed benefit. When we actively search for ways to help change things for ourselves and others, and ask the universe for the highest and best outcome and for divine inspiration, the impetus of those activities helps bring about changes in ways that we least expect. Life has taught me that when I ask for the highest and best outcome and for Divine will to be done, situations in my life and outcomes that I wouldn’t have thought up in a hundred years take place. You may well ask who do you ask? I ask my higher self (my universal Self), God the Universe, that which many rarely connect with or acknowledge or believe in. For that is what connects me to the source of the universal All.

Julian could also see if a light switch was faulty, or if food wasn’t fresh by the colour it emitted. When we lived in Lucca and Viareggio in Northern Italy and we went to visit some of the twelfth century churches there, he would say Mummy, all of the people in the paintings are all around us in their spirit bodies He was not coached in these things, I certainly didn’t have his gift. Some people may say that it was just a child’s imaginings, I certainly can’t prove otherwise.

My first husband Antonio was Italian and we had at that time decided to live in Italy. I remember when we first met one of his cousins, who introduced us to his wife’s brother Franco. Julian whispered to me that Franco had a cross of golden light on his brow. He had told me some time previously that all priests have this cross of golden light. Julian did not know that the man he was looking at was a priest, as Franco was wearing normal street clothes, nor did he have his priest’s collar on. When I asked Franco whether he was a priest, he looked surprised and asked how I knew. When I explained he looked even more surprised.

When we were on our way to Italy on board the passenger ship the Galileo Galilee, I was sitting in the dining room with Antonio and my son Julian, who was nine years old at the time. There were probably about one hundred people in the room, and I began to mentally direct Universal healing light, love, and peace into everyone in the room. Shortly after I began that exercise, Julian said to me, Mummy, whatever you’re doing, please stop. When I asked him why, he told me that the light that was pouring out of my eyes was blinding him. I told him that I was doing God’s work and that he should look the other way, until I was finished, if the light was too bright. I didn’t discuss my spiritual work with Julian at that time, so he wasn’t aware of what I might be doing. Nevertheless he saw the result of what I was doing.

Julian was witness to many things that took place for me on the inner levels when he was a young boy. I have never forgotten that he was actually able to see the results of my prayer and invocations for the people in that dining room. I know to this day that it works, because my son was able to see and let me know without having the least idea of what was going on or what I was doing. It was a powerful gift, and the fact that he was witness to that wonderful energy is something that I will never forget.

When Julian’s partner arrived home several days after he had become so ill, I explained what the Locum had given Julian and told him of the terrible effect that it had on him. He thanked me and said that he was very grateful for my help and for what he considered to be the wonderful work I had done for Julian. I was very fond of Peter. He was a wonderful, caring, and loving man who was also very intelligent. The three of us spoke together and Julian said he felt well enough for me to be able to return to Canberra.

Peter drove me to the airport after I said my goodbyes to Julian and I told them both to call me should they need me. On the way to the airport I told Peter that I felt this was just the beginning of Julian’s fight for life. He agreed and I left with a deep sadness in my heart. Several years prior they had almost parted ways. Although it was my policy not to interfere in their lives, I suggested that they both sit down together and begin to count their blessings. They needed to look and assess the pluses and minuses of their lives together, the value of their loving and caring for each other and to decide how they could improve things and how much work they were prepared to put into their relationship. They had obviously decided to stay together, although none of us ever mentioned it again.

My second husband Jeffrey and our sons Randall and Pearce were very happy to have me back home again. Life returned to normal after I had answered all of their questions about Julian’s health. The boys had no idea at that time what had precipitated Julian’s illness and neither my husband Jeffrey nor I felt it was necessary to tell them at that stage. They would become aware soon enough that his illness was terminal. Apart from regular calls to and from Sydney life had resumed its normal pace. I was back taking care of my beautiful family, seeing clients, running our meditation group with my husband Jeffrey, and interacting with friends and running a healing group.

Sometimes when I thought of Julian, my heart would feel heavy. When I became consciously aware of this and thoughts of Julian were foremost in my mind, I would remember that thoughts are things. Julian certainly didn’t need my negative thoughts, so I would then mentally direct beautiful warm love, healing and golden light to him and visualize it surrounding him and suffusing him within and without. I asked my Creator for the highest and best outcome for him. I also asked for peace and harmony to flow into me, Julian and Peter, and I asked for Universal green light to help heal our disquiet and sadness. I always felt better afterwards.

Approximately six months later Peter rang me to tell me that Julian was unwell and so I told my family that I was going to visit Julian again. Both Julian and Peter were both working and so I flew down for the weekend and spent quality time with them. I cooked them some wonderful meals. Fortunately they both always enjoyed the food that I created for them. We talked and laughed and Peter put on some beautiful classical music for us. Julian wasn’t his usual bright, active, happy self. However, he was looking better than I had expected. He just didn’t have quite the same vigour and strength that he normally exuded, although people that didn’t know him well wouldn’t have been aware.

Julian arranged for me to fly back to Canberra on the Sunday. He had thousands of frequent flier points from his many working trips overseas. He always made sure that he used those for me after his illness began to have its affect on him. I was very grateful for his generosity and his abundance in this matter. I was really happy that I had been able to spend quality time with my son and his partner Peter. I considered it to be a bonus, it was like a precious gift that we all shared. Because I wanted to, and at their request, I went down regularly every two months, sometimes by myself, at other times with Jeffrey and our sons. We always drove down when we all went.

Both Julian and Peter had agreed that neither of them would seek to take medication for their HIV condition. They had seen many others go down that road and suffer painful and very uncomfortable side effects, sometimes resulting in hospitalisation for a time. Some of their friends could not understand their attitude. There were new drugs coming on the market and wasn’t it better to continue to live life than to die? There was always the possibility that a cure could be found. However, they had both agreed that they didn’t want to live what they considered to be half a life. I didn’t attempt to influence their decision as many of their friends had, because I felt it was a very personal decision, and one that they hadn’t made lightly.

The thought of them dying was something far too painful to think about, so when it came up in my mind even fleetingly I would put it aside immediately. However, from time to time my feelings of grief were quite overwhelming and my tears would flow and my husband would hold me and comfort me. There was time enough to face that reality and deal with it when the time was closer. Some two and a half years after Julian had the dramatic reaction to the sulphur drug that was prescribed for him his health began to really deteriorate. I had gone down to stay with them at Peter’s request. Peter had gone off to work after we had all had breakfast together. We both had our showers and then I suggested that we go for a walk by the water at Balmain where he lived. By this time Julian was no longer able to work.

Although Julian wasn’t very well he agreed to the walk and we made our way down to the water. It was a magnificent day. We could feel the light gentle breeze and bright sunshine, the sky was a brilliant blue and the water was clear and sparkling, reflecting the rays of the sun. We couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day. As we walked along I asked Julian how he felt about dying. He said that he had travelled over three quarters of the world and that he had a wonderful companion in Peter, and he had really enjoyed his working life as a systems engineer in IT. He had lived the kind of life that he had wanted, and had good friends. He said that he knew about counting his blessings because I had taught him. I asked him what he thought would happen to him once he died. Julian said he didn’t know.

I then proceeded to tell him about a client of mine, who was rushed to the hospital with a suspected heart attack. After the specialist examined her, she was made ready to be taken to the operating theatre. When she was wheeled into the theatre, she felt herself leave her body. She said she felt very peaceful and was able to float up to the ceiling. From there she proceeded to effortlessly flow through a wall, and then into the waiting room where she saw her husband. He was weeping and saying that if his wife died, he didn’t want to continue to live because without her he felt that his life would be meaningless.

She then floated back into the operating theatre where she saw her specialist walk into the theatre in his street clothes, holding a syringe. He approached her unconscious body which was on the operating table and said This will either kill or cure her. He then proceeded to inject the contents of the syringe into her arm. Almost instantly blood clots began to pour from her mouth. She then stopped hovering above her body and re-entered it. The next day when her specialist came to see her he told her that they had almost lost her. She told him that she was aware of that, much to his surprise. Then she explained about her out of body experience and what she had seen and heard him do and say. He thanked her very sincerely for sharing her experience. They both knew that she had no way of knowing the things she had shared with him for she was unconscious and her vital signs were not registering. There was no rational explanation. However, both she and the doctor knew what had happened as they had both been there.

I also told Julian about an aunt of mine, Grace. We had been very close and she had died several years prior. One day when we were talking on the telephone I asked her how she felt about dying. She told me that she had no fear of death because some years earlier when she had become very ill she had been taken to hospital where for a short time she had been diagnosed as being technically dead. During that time she had an out of body experience. She said that she went through a tunnel into the light and was told that she had to go back as she hadn’t finished her tasks on earth. Many of her family members that had died were there to meet her and she said that she felt immense peace and happiness. After she returned to her body and regained her health she said that because it was a beautiful experience, ever since that time she had never been afraid of death. She said that she hadn’t spoken to anyone else about her death experience because she felt people mightn’t believe her. She told me that she felt that it had been too special an experience to talk about with people who might not understand.

Julian listened quietly when I recounted these stories. He said that he still wasn’t sure about exactly what would happen to him when he died. I suggested that we can only share our experiences with others. We can’t make them anyone else’s and of course he agreed. I did point out that there were many thousands of people or perhaps even millions who had had these kinds of experiences and many of their stories were very similar, not because people had swapped stories but because their near death experiences had much in common. There were also a number of books that had been written about this subject of life after death. Meanwhile here we were together enjoying this beautiful balmy day and each other’s company. There was only the here and now, whatever came or went.

We walked home slowly, silently thinking our own thoughts. I was grateful for this time with my beautiful son. The sunlight was bright and warm, the breeze was gentle and very pleasant, the sky was a brilliant blue and we couldn’t have had a more beautiful day had we ordered it. When we arrived at his town house he went up to bed to sleep while I prepared a light lunch. That evening when Peter arrived home he sat down with us and said that he had asked for compassionate leave because his partner was very ill. His request was granted and he would be home with Julian from that point onwards. I stayed until the weekend and then flew home promising that I would come back to help every two or three days and then return to Canberra again. Another two or three days afterwards I returned to Sydney. Both Peter and Julian were very happy about that arrangement

Thus I began one of the most difficult journeys of my life. When I arrived home, my husband always picked me up from the airport. We called our sons and told them that Julian’s condition was deteriorating and that I would be going down to Sydney several times every week from that time on to help Peter look after Julian. They both looked upset and serious, and asked when they could visit Julian. We suggested that perhaps we could arrange that for the following weekend. We pointed out that we would have to ask Julian whether he felt well enough to have all of us visit. They rang and spoke to Julian and he agreed to have us all over to visit the following weekend. We also explained the nature of Julian’s illness and how serious it was.

I cleaned and cooked, making sure that I made several extra dishes for Jeffrey and the boys for the following week. I didn’t have much time to think, however I did make sure that I continued to meditate every day, it helped me a lot. I returned to Sydney several days later. Julian told me that he suffered severe pains in his stomach every time he had something to eat. I lightly steamed him some vegetables, then I went upstairs to ask him whether he was ready to eat, He nodded his head and then asked me to leave him for five minutes while he mentally prepared himself to eat because of the pain he knew he would suffer afterwards. He rarely complained although he had begun to sweat profusely day and night, so there was much changing of bed linen, towels and pyjamas. Peter went out and bought a very large sheepskin to place under Julian so that he would be comfortable. I felt that his sweats were bought on by his body trying to throw off the virus.

I suggested that Peter make an appointment for Julian to have a colonoscopy to enable Julian to know what was happening in his stomach. Peter made the appointment for the next week. Once again I returned home to my family in Canberra. They decided that on the weekend when I would again return to Sydney they would all come with me and drive down to visit Julian. The boys were very quiet and subdued when they saw how ill Julian was. They were visibly upset as was my husband Jeffrey. They didn’t have to be asked to be quiet, they understood that it was necessary. On the way back to Canberra in the car I explained to the boys that because Julian was HIV positive he might have to go into hospital in the not too distant future. Both my husband and I answered any questions that the boys asked we were all deeply affected and sad.

Several days later I returned to Sydney to find that Julian hadn’t kept his appointment to have his colonoscopy. I felt concerned but I didn’t ask why he hadn’t gone because I felt that he may have been very apprehensive about the outcome. However he was still suffering massive pain after every meal and thus we both suffered with him. It was shattering to see him in so much pain. Julian’s doctor said that he could not provide morphine for him and that he would have to go to hospital for that. Julian still found it necessary to ask us to leave his room before a meal. He still didn’t complain about his pain, although it was etched in his face.

Peter and I prevailed on him to let us make another appointment for a colonoscopy and we were fortunate to be able to make an appointment for the next day. We all went, Julian was very nervous because he didn’t know what to expect. The nurse called Julian soon after we arrived and both Peter and I were relieved. Sometime later Julian came out and we all went downstairs to the doctor’s reception room where his secretary was. Shortly afterwards the specialist arrived and told Julian that he had cancer, lymphoma specifically. He said that that particular type of cancer responded very favourably to chemotherapy. His manner during the delivery of the diagnosis was aggressive and angry. Julian turned white with shock, none of us thanked the doctor, and we simply left. I asked Peter why the specialist was so aggressive. He said that the doctor was gay and saw many young men with Julian’s condition and it made him frustrated and angry.

I commented that because the doctor’s manner was so abrasive and angry he really didn’t make things easy for his patients or himself. Julian was very quiet as he was obviously still dealing with the shock of the doctor’s diagnosis. When we arrived back at the townhouse Julian went straight to bed and slept for several hours. Meanwhile Peter and I spoke together it was obvious to both of us that Julian needed to be in hospital. We both felt that Julian would veto the idea but Peter felt that he should broach the subject regardless. I stayed until the weekend and I spoke to them both as I had done previously about other natural treatments for both cancer and HIV but neither of them was interested. I didn’t push the alternatives because I felt that I had to respect their choices.

I did all that I could to soothe Julian, and took him through some relaxation exercises that helped him feel more comfortable. I talked to Peter and comforted him to the best of my ability. We were all devastated and feeling numb with shock. It was something that perhaps we had all suspected, but it was very different having confirmation. Once again I went back to Canberra and sat down with the family to tell them the news. Now I could let the tears flow. My husband and the boys all looked miserable, they came and held me and comforted me. I was profoundly grateful for their love and concern and for their ability to be there for me.

The following Monday Julian rang me and said Mummy, I can’t stand this pain anymore. Julian hadn’t called me Mummy for many years and I knew he was in agony. I told him that I would ring his doctor immediately and that everything would be okay and that I would make arrangements to fly down as soon as it was humanly possible. I then rang his doctor and explained things. I also told him that I didn’t think that Julian had been telling him about the full extent of his pain levels. He said that he would go straight over to talk to Julian and his partner.

When I arrived back at Julian’s home, he said that the doctor had been to see him and suggested that he should go to hospital immediately. Julian told the doctor and his partner Peter that he would have to think about it. When I asked him why he felt he had to think about it he said that he felt that if he went to hospital he would die. I pointed out that if he remained at home he had a good chance of dying. At least he would be more comfortable in hospital where he would receive morphine that would help him deal with the excruciating pain that he was suffering. He said he would think about it and talk to us the following morning and went up to bed. Sometimes he would come downstairs and lie on the long comfortable leather sofa and cover himself with a light doona and a mohair blanket that I had bought from home.

The next day he agreed to go to the hospital with us. I felt relief because I knew that Julian would no longer have to suffer unbearable pain, but at the same time I felt very sad knowing there could be no resolution to his condition. Both he and Peter had made their resolutions and neither of them intended to change their minds. We made ourselves ready to leave the house. Julian looked at his home knowing that this was probably the last time he would see it. He looked very fragile and tired, and he was sweating profusely as he always did during this part of his illness.

When we arrived at the hospital Julian had his case history with him. He was ushered into the Casualty department, and they placed him on a trolley. A doctor came up to us almost immediately, checked Julian’s case history and then asked a nurse to arrange for Julian to have x-rays. He was quickly wheeled up to the x-ray department and soon returned. Julian by this time was looking distressed and uncomfortable. There were quite a number of people in the area we were in and it was very busy, with all the noise and hustle and bustle that one associates with casualty departments in large hospitals.

When the doctor came back to see Julian after he had the x-ray results, he looked very serious. He told Julian that he had cancer in his lungs, but he said that they could help him with chemotherapy. The doctor then proceeded to tell Julian that a friend of his had recently died of exactly the same conditions that Julian had. Tears welled up in the doctor’s eyes as he said this and he turned and began to walk away. Julian said That’s all I need. I ran after the doctor and when I caught up with him I told him that I wanted my son out of Casualty and taken up into the ward now. I said that Julian was too ill to remain where he was. He agreed and said that he would ring the Registrar immediately.

Ten minutes later he returned and told us to go straight up to the ward, which only admitted patients who were H IV Positive, or who had AIDS. We went directly into an elevator, and then up into the ward. I suppose it’s an understatement to say Julian was in shock, we were all deeply affected. None of us had spoken since the doctor had given us the results of the x-rays. A nurse met us, and whisked Julian off to a single room with an ensuite. She helped Julian arrange his things and get ready to go to bed. Then she administered some morphine to help him be free of pain and told us that she would be back shortly with some Sustagen for him.

We both embraced Julian to comfort him and ourselves, what could we do? We couldn’t change it, but we could love him totally and without conditions and just be there for him. We were all grief stricken, how could my beautiful son be sick like this, so gravely ill I asked myself silently? I told myself that this was his destiny, that nothing comes by accident however painful or life threatening that condition may be. I knew that if I was to be able to help him I didn’t need to pour my pain on him, he had more than enough to deal with.

Then the nurse returned with the Sustagen and then left us again. As Julian opened the drink and drank it very slowly, a look of astonishment and pleasure came over his face. He said It doesn’t hurt me to drink anymore! Sometimes little things can be very big, the morphine had done its work well. I felt that Julian felt a little more comfortable about being in hospital. He said that he was impressed with the nursing sister as she was very capable and caring. Julian fell asleep shortly after this, then Peter and I went out to speak to the nursing sister who was in charge.

She told us that all the staff were gay without exception and said this would be a very hard road for us as well as Julian. However she also said that all the staff was very caring and professional and that he was in good hands. She pointed out that some families handled things better than others. I felt that went without saying, people are all very different. We waited until Julian awoke and had his dinner then we left him and went home. I prepared a simple meal for us. Peter told me that Julian didn’t want any of his friends to visit him in hospital. I asked the reason for that and Peter told me that Julian felt that his friends had experienced a number of their friends’ deaths and that he felt they didn’t need to have yet another encounter with death through another close friend. I didn’t respond because I felt I should honour Julian’s choice.

Of course we are all different, I personally feel that the two most important things in my life are people and nature, what else is there? But that’s the way I feel. What would our lives be without our friends and families? There may be many who would not agree with me and of course that is their prerogative. I learned a great deal from my mother and father, my twin sister and from my two husbands and my four sons. Some of those lessons have been extremely painful, others joyous and sometimes gentle and loving. I am extremely grateful for the nurturing that I have received from my family, and for the pain, because it has all helped me grow stronger and wiser.

The next day Peter and I returned to the hospital to visit Julian. I brought him a beautiful orchid in a pot because they were his favourite flowers. He looked more rested, and relaxed. He told us that the doctors were coming in later that day to discuss chemotherapy with him. I felt that his immune system was already compromised and therefore I couldn’t understand how chemotherapy could help him. I kept my thoughts to myself, this was about Julian’s life and I knew he would discuss things with the doctors and make up his own mind.

That day we met the Registrar for that wing of the hospital. His name was Don and he was very pleasant and caring. Like all the other professionals in this section of the hospital he gave one hundred percent of himself, and I felt that both the patients and the hospital were very fortunate to have him. Julian was a very good patient, he didn’t complain. I asked the nursing staff to make sure that he never again had to suffer the intense pain that he had gone through when he was at home. Before he came into hospital he always paid dearly for the privilege of eating, and it really wrenched my heart to know how much he was suffering. Now he could ask the nursing staff to help ease his pain with morphine and they always did because they had learned that he didn’t ever complain about his condition. Therefore when he asked for pain control it was because he really needed it.

The day passed pleasantly. Peter would sometimes go downstairs for a cigarette, sometimes Julian would doze off or I would read to him. Peter and I both went for lunch to a restaurant across the road and enjoyed the meal. We both felt less tense because Julian was being well cared for. It was obvious he felt confident about being in the hospital and he wasn’t suffering the way he had when he was at home. That was an immense bonus. Now life changed for me, I spent three days in Sydney and two days in Canberra, and that kept me extremely busy. I suggested that Jeffrey and our boys come down to Sydney for a weekend and they did. Randall told Julian that he wished that they had had much more time to know each other, but that was difficult because we lived three and a half hour drive from them. Julian and Peter lived very busy lives as did we. Our young sons were obviously very upset to see Julian so ill, but they felt that there was little they could do to help, except to love him and they did.

After Julian had his discussion with the specialist team about chemotherapy treatment for his lung and stomach cancer, he told us that he had agreed to have the treatment. This was the way he had decided to fight his cancer and Peter felt that it might help. I was devastated. However, I didn’t communicate my feelings to them. I talked quietly to both of them and said that all we could do was hope and pray for a miracle to help his body’s compromised condition. In my prayers I asked for help to enable Julian and us to more easily deal with this very difficult journey with courage and strength.

I left them to talk and went out into the corridor where I encountered the Registrar, who headed up this wing of the hospital. He stopped and spoke to me of Julian’s pend-ing chemotherapy treatment. He was so upset that he began to weep. He told me the very things I had feared. Why do these doctors continue to recommend chemotherapy to these young men, don’t they have enough suffering to contend with, without making them suffer even more? They all know that Julian’s system will not respond to chemotherapy and yet they continue to recommend it. Why, he asked, when they know that all of these young men will suffer even more after this type of treatment?

I quietly spoke to the Registrar and explained that Julian genuinely wanted to fight his condition and this was the way he was choosing. We both had to respect his choice because that was the way Julian had decided he wanted to go. I knew that if I voiced my doubts, Julian would challenge me and ask me why doctors would recommend treatment that wouldn’t help him. The Registrar certainly couldn’t get involved in such an argument, and what else did they have to offer? I was very grateful that Julian was in this wonderful hospital, receiving optimal care and kindness.

Then came the day when they had to insert a cannula into Julian’s neck so that his morphine could be administered directly through the cannula into his system and not through separate injections. The particular male nurse who was given this task was considered to be outrageously effeminate by Julian and he had decided that he didn’t like him. I suggested that it takes all types of people to make this world go around and perhaps Julian needed to be less judgmental of people’s exteriors and know people by their actions and deeds.

The male nurse approached Julian and gently told him that he would have to shave him before inserting the cannula. The nurse then proceeded to shave Julian expertly and gently and then he inserted the cannula with care and expertise. When this was completed and the nurse was leaving, Julian thanked the male nurse with a new look of respect and gratefulness on his face. From that day on he always spoke respectfully to and about that nurse.

About this time a young female social worker who was approximately twenty four years of age came to see Julian on a fairly regular basis. They had a good rapport and she was friendly and concerned. At one stage she told us that her twin cousins who were both male and about Julian’s age had both contracted AIDS and had subsequently died. It was evident to all of us that her deep grief over their deaths was still very intense. Perhaps coming to see Julian on a regular basis helped her in some way. Now that Julian was safely ensconced in hospital, I told both he and Peter that I would continue going backwards and forwards from Canberra to Sydney until that needed to change.

Back home I was surrounded by my family’s love and concern as well as by the presence of friends. I kept busy and let my grief overflow in the form of tears quite frequently, and rang the hospital every day to talk to Julian. No one had prepared me for the possible death of my son. Parents are supposed to precede their children in death; how could this be? Of course for years I have believed that what belongs to us comes to us, that there are no accidents. We are like magnets that draw the circumstances, people and places that belong to us so that we may learn. However knowing or believing that didn’t lessen my pain and my grief.

We all learn different lessons from similar events. Sometimes you hear people exclaim Will he/she never learn? Without exception in all the schools of life and learning that we find ourselves in, there are those who seem to repeat the same lesson over and over again, only to go back to do it yet again. Then there are others who seem to move through what I may perceive to be an extremely difficult situation, pick themselves up and dust themselves off and get on with life. I understand that people often internalise grief, anger, frustration, blame, worry and their fears and don’t really deal with them, even when they appear to do so.

Blame is another way of dealing with our own inadequacies. Life has taught me that there is something for me to learn in every situation that I find myself in, and so I don’t dive into victim conscious for very long. Often when I am with a client when we are examining family relation-ships, it is remarkable to see how parental behavioural patterns are repeated by their children. It may take the form of physical violence that was an everyday occurrence together with verbal abuse in my clients’ lives. When I regress clients back to their childhood using hypnotherapy, and they recall the physical and mental abuse that they were subjected to, I ask them whether it is causing them pain. They always answer in the affirmative. Then I ask them why they are repeating these activities with their partners and or children if it caused them such pain. Why would they inflict such pain on others?

Their answers are inevitably very similar. It was something that just happened to them that they didn’t question, they thought that it was normal. It was part of their everyday lives, they couldn’t do anything to stop it and they were always afraid. It was a normal part of their lives, and because of that even today in their own lives they continue to repeat the patterns of their childhood. They are now the perpetrator and their families have become the victims. I always ask whether my client is willing to forgive the abusive parent or parents. They often say No unequivocally. Then comes the real work and while they visualise their parent in front of them in their altered state of consciousness, they verbally dialogue with them, venting their anger and scorn asking Why? Again the reasons given by the parent are similar, it is normal behaviour learned in turn from the parents’ parents.

This process may go on for half an hour or longer or until the clients feel that they can comfortably forgive their tormentor, and they have had their questions answered and their anger and blame have dissipated. The parent figure is asked by