I am Gerg

By Gregory Stephan

A collection of short stories from my point of view. Some are funny,weird and strange

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gregory Stephan
• Release date: Nov 29, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466116399

Book preview

I Am Gerg

By Gregory Stephan

Published by Gregory Stephan at Smashwords

Copyright 2011 Gregory Stephan

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Chapter 1

Coffee is Off, Stove is Off

When I leave my house each day it is imperative that I check to make sure that the coffee is off and the stove is off. Sometimes I say those words out loud before I leave my home. But one thing is for sure; they must be checked before I leave, otherwise I worry about my house catching on fire. If I am driving to work and I forget to check these two kitchen appliances, then I must drive back to check them even if it makes me late for work. That is how important it is to me. I noticed this type of behavior in myself over the last five to seven years. I’m sure it was there before, but not to the extent it is today. I spent the last month or so documenting all of these types of behavior that I do on a daily basis. At first I thought it was a very hilarious way to make fun of myself, but I firmly believe now that I am at least partially obsessive compulsive. At first it concerned me that I may be really losing my mind, but then I decided to embrace this behavior. I feel that am truly blessed to do these crazy things.

I call my condition obsessive preparation anxiety disorder. It sounds better and maybe someday it can be treated with some sort of medication. The root of this condition is brought on by my need to prepare myself for an upcoming event. For example, when I say, "Coffee is off, Stove is off," it’s because I want my house to be safe before I leave.

I check my alarms, all three of them, several times before I go to bed. Not only do I check them a lot, but also when I check them, I try to check them an even, not odd, number of times. For example, I will check to make sure that my alarm is set for 6:00 am either two, four or six times, not one, three, five or seven times. This is yet another example of my obsessive preparation anxiety disorder. I check my alarm clocks often so that I will not oversleep. I worry that if I am in a hurry, I may leave my coffee maker and stove on. Coffee is off, Stove is off.

When I send letters/bills out into the mail, there is a procedure I use when I place the letters/bills into the mailbox. I open the mailbox and place the letters into the mail box face up so I can take one more look at them before they are on their way. Next, I open and closed the lid on the mailbox three times, not two or four, it must be three times. This procedure assures me they were actually sent – this is my way of preparing my letters for their route across the country. It is kind of like when your mother used to bundle you up before you went outside to play in the snow. So, as long as I follow this procedure, my mind is at ease. If not, I may get confused and forget if I mailed the letters. This again causes me to worry if I left the house without checking to see if the Coffee is off, Stove is off. This puts me in a confused obsessive preparation anxiety disorder state, which means that maybe I really did not check my alarm clocks enough. That means I may need coffee and some baked bread to calm me down. That could lead me to leave the stove and coffee pot on. Coffee is off, Stove is off; I think you get my drift by now.

There is another subdivision of my disorder. It is obsessive preparation anxiety disorder/sports preparation. I am a big time sports fan and I need to prepare for my sporting events. For example, I cannot take a shower the day of a football game. I usually take it between 10:00 pm and 11:00 pm the night before the big game. I feel that it cleans off all of your passion for the game and you are left with being a casual viewer. Over the years, my football team has a winning percentage of about 65 % when I don’t take showers the day of the game. This is not great, but it is something I must do because it is part of my disorder. If I do take a shower the day of my team’s game, then I am usually a little uptight and that in turn causes me to start checking things even more, and this gets me tired and then I may need a cup of coffee and a bun to wake me up. This causes me to confront my Coffee is off, Stove is off anxiety complex, which causes me more grief. Finally I start to get a headache and this leads me to my next obsession.

This obsession is very simple. When I get a headache, I take two aspirins. You may be saying to yourself, so what – people take aspirins all the time. The difference with me is that when I take aspirins, I take them in anticipation of a headache. I hate having headaches, so when I engage in activities that could give me a headache, I take them before I feel any pain. This not only prepares for a possible headache, it gives me a few moments of blissful calm because I beat the headache. When I do get headaches without any notice, I watch the clock and mentally see how long it takes for the aspirins to work. If that does not work, then I make a strong cup of coffee and heat a bun loaded with sugar in the oven so that my headache becomes worse and I can take more aspirin. This in turns brings me back to my original Coffee is off, Stove is off anxiety complex. The cycle starts all over again, which makes me even happier because I get to live in a world with my obsessive preparation anxiety disorder.

There are many more of these behaviors that I noticed, but this was supposed to be a short story. I like stories that are short, but for some reason my obsessive behavior is in high gear and I can’t stop writing this story on Coffee is off, Stove is off. I have to step away for a moment so I can stop my obsession with this topic.

I’m back... I thought that I should highlight the rest of the strange behaviors that I have noticed about myself lately.

The butter in my refrigerator cannot go into the butter dish. It gets me nervous and I worry that the butter might melt. I keep the butter in my refrigerator on the shelf with the rest of the household products, preferably next to the milk so it can be with the dairy family of products.

When I take a shower, I always wash my chest first, then my right arm, left arm, legs, feet and lastly, my back. My back always gets extra amounts of water to rinse. I do this because I have a special back rinse dance I do right before I finish my shower. It is sort of a rain/disco dance.

I have to name things. I name my cars, my appliances and anything that I use on a daily basis. For example, my stove is named Steve, my microwave is named Uncle Jimmy and my video camera is named Valerie.

I have considered my situation carefully and have come up with a way for me to cope with this disorder. I am going to lead a focus group on obsessive preparation anxiety disorder. People who have this disorder will be able to go to my group and practice their weird behaviors without the stigma of being labeled a crazy person. We will have discussions on ways to accept the behavior and how to continue to lead abnormal lives. I think there are a lot of people who have this disorder and want to share their experiences. In fact, I think we are the normal people