I Wanted More Than This

By Carrie Ann McCormick

I Wanted More Than This is one woman's journey out of the fog and haze that is modern alcoholism. Follow Carrie on her journey from dependency to alcohol to a life lived wide open. Each day she chronicles the tiny sparks of joy she finds along the way.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Carrie Ann McCormick
• Release date: Nov 16, 2017
• ISBN: 9781642044607

Book preview

I Wanted More Than This

I Wanted More Than This

Carrie Ann Paulo

Scorpio Press

Contents

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For(eshadowing)ward

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Resistance

Wine or Die?!

Stare-Down

Hot Pink Paper

Settling Back In

Not so comfortably numb

Oblivion and Beyond

Done

Going for More

Things that will be different

Keeping Your Head Up

Good Mornin’

New Year’s Eve

Everyday Angels

Allow the Feelings To Move Through

New Normal

Week 1 Check In

Snow Day Musings

Red Tent

Still Sober and Still Here

What Everyone Else is Doing

Pro Life?

Meditation Practice

Check In

Half-hearted

Energy Healing

Seek Truth

50 Days

New Imaginings

First Dream

Gong Sound Bath

Signs on Cue

The Signs Keep Coming

Growing Pains

Tonic and lime please.

Lots of Thinking Time

90 Days

100 Days of Sobriety

Self Care Crunch

Day 110

Half a World Away

Poof

A Recap and Another Job Offer

Killing Me Softly

Day 136

A Clearing Landslide

Sacred Contracts

Into My Own

Sign #649(?)

Building wings on the way down

A Wink From The Universe

Nesting

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Resources

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About the Author

Copyright © 2017 by Carrie Ann Paulo

All rights reserved.

ISBN 978-0-9984592-6-4

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Dedication

Extraordinary thanks must go to my children who have handled themselves with grace during this transition. I am so grateful to have their trust and I am blessed to learn from them.

To my husband who has always been more supportive than I ever expect him to be when I come up with big ideas. Thank you and I love you are not words enough in return for walking alongside me.

For(eshadowing)ward

March 9, 2016

I am only on lesson four of an online course called A Year to Clear What is Holding You Back, and I swear I am already lighter and kinder. It's as if all of the inner clutter has affected my reactions all this time. I would immediately get angry. My husband says things like you're an angry little woman, and maybe he's right. I am trying to move slower and with purpose instead of just flitting around and spinning my wheels to work on projects. It's been lovely. I have been able to talk myself out of rushing for wine before 5 p.m. I am more centered and balanced. And it's strange to me as I have only spent a cursory amount of time reading and watching the videos and have only engaged a bit in the community online. I'm betting that the majority of the clearing that's already happening for me is the result of simply knowing it's going to happen and making the decision to allow it to come about without putting up a fight.

It's scary to think about discarding the masks and barriers that I have constructed over the years. I have long felt that something has kept me from being as successful as I'd like or as I feel I am capable of being. The idea that this could be all that it takes to clear or reset me is so exciting. I have spent the summer of 2015 until now working on getting my early writing published so I can move on to what I may be able to write next. Over the past few days, my perspective on getting this done has really shifted, and I think there are plenty of other things besides those writings that also need to be cleared. Moving forward to make space in my life will ultimately allow me to be more productive in those endeavors as well as many other everyday sorts of tasks. It will inevitably positively affect my relationships with my family. I really look forward to this journey, and I can't put a price on how grateful I am that this found me right when I needed it.

I pay my most humble respects to the lovely Stephanie Bennett Vogt and the ladies she inadvertently brought into my life through the online groups. I needed a safe space to be me. http://bit.ly/ayeartoclearit

I picked up Creativity on Demand on a lark, thumbed through it and set it back on the shelf. It's in my to be read pile, but way at the bottom. It struck me again why I put up these barriers to my creative self – one reason I have closed off creativity is that I became afraid of the fire – that I would get burned – that I won’t be able to contain it. It would be this all or nothing entity that would absolutely consume me. Maybe I have been wrong in this thinking. Perhaps it's time to redefine how I demand creativity work with me. Love this Martha Graham quote: If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium, and it will be lost… It is not your business to determine how good it is… nor how it compares to other expressions… keep the channel open.

Working so hard on this!

Resistance

June 21, 2016

So afraid to really write my thoughts. So many come all at once, and then I feel the resistance. I am afraid to write. Afraid to become myself. Keep stopping myself in any way that I can. Don't want to get caught.

But - I can drink without being afraid. I'm uninhibited then. Until I black out.

Time to stop.

I think back to when I learned about cirrhosis of the liver in 9th-grade grade Home Economics class and how my naive’ self-judged how someone must have to sink pretty low to get sucked into a life wherein they destroy their own body.

This is not what I expected. It’s not what I wanted for myself. I am not getting younger here. If I am not careful, this one precious life I have will be over, and I will never know what might have been if I had changed things I knew needed changing.

I loathe regret.

I will stop drinking on weekdays starting June 22.

Wine or Die?!

June 22, 2016

Today is the day. I have done this before when I was less aware. I have the tools I need to do this. I need to be my own best friend right now, not my enemy. The wolf will be angry. The wolf may try to bite...but I can do this.

You might die if you don't have a glass of wine.

SERIOUSLY. Can you believe the shit spewing here!?

Um, no. Not going to die.

FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.

I know to be aware of my breath.

Stare-Down

June 24, 2016

This is day three of Mean Green juices [http://bit.ly/meangreenjuice] and no alcohol. I am replacing the calories with real food and trying to avoid replacing with sugar. I have been fine. My husband has been ill and too tired to do anything but not too tired to have sex decided that we should PARTY last night. I declined. It was then that he learned of my plans. He said, Good. Take care of yourself. And I am. He didn’t even realize that he's played the role of enabler.

I am no longer afraid. The last entry led me to a visualization where I literally imagined talking to the fear-wolf and telling him that I was going to start feeding the other one. [http://bit.ly/firstpeople]

I was reflecting on my patio, and I drifted into a vision. It was