The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity

Written by Esther Perel

Narrated by Esther Perel

Iconic couples' therapist and bestselling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a groundbreaking and provocative look at infidelity, arguing for a more nuanced and less judgmental conversation about our transgressions.

An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too the prohibition against it—in fact, it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.

So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo, universally forbidden yet universally practiced? For the past ten years, master therapist Esther Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. In The State of Affairs she asks, why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? Why does infidelity hurt so much? And when we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Is an affair always the end of a marriage?

Affairs, she writes, have a lot to teach us about relationships. They provide unusual insight into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage—with the same person. With the right approach, Perel argues, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.

Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel writes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."

• Language: English
• Publisher: HarperAudio
• Release date: Oct 10, 2017
• ISBN: 9780062694553

Esther Perel

Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.  Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world.  Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 30 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon that has been translated into nearly 30 languages.  Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs:  Rethinking Infidelity.  Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work?  Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.  

Reviews for The State of Affairs

[Nadia Bastardo · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

wonderful insight on relationships, not only affairs, but an excellent approach to couples day to day struggles with self knowledge, sexual preferences and emotional needs! Loved the book, love the author! Helped me a lot with my own dilemmas!

[Jess Schula · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Game changing, mind opening exploration for understanding affairs. Esther Perel's insights can change how to see and rebuild.

[Tatjana von Bonkewitz · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

An open and honest yet benevolent insight into infidelity and monogamy. Very thought provoking and healing for anyone who has been affected by infidelity in whichever role.

[miserableflower · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I really like Esther's work, she really does seem to ask the questions that lead you to do the deep soul searching and self anaylsis that more people should do.

[Ksenia Mochalova · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Another fabulous book by Esther, definitely helps to broaden the horizons and shift perspectives, regardless whether you are dealing with relationship crisis at the moment or not, thank you so much!!

[Vivek Vardhan · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The book blew my mind. I often have pondered over some of the topics discussed here and Esther Perel discusses them in a succinct and eloquent manner. It truly gives one a peek into the complexities of human relationships and why one solution doesnt fit all.

[Brigitte Dreger · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A great read for anyone considering opening things up, or just curious about monogamy in general. Insightful, compassionate, and offers so many real-life examples that no matter where you’re at in your relationship(s), you won’t feel alone.

[Madalina Haciu · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

O carte care trateazã relațiile, adulterul și constructele sociale din mai multe perspective, unele la care nu te-ai aștepta niciodatã. O carte scrisã cu empatie, care oferã multe rãspunsuri privind relațiile moderne. Cu siguranță o lecturã valoroasã pentru orice cuplu! Big thumbs up

[Silvia Diaz-Perez · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

The clarity approach of the infidelity the analysis and consequences.

[Delia Marginean · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This is a must read for every person entering a relationship. Do's and don'ts to consider long before one starts making mistakes. I absolutely lived it and I hope it changed me for better.

[Krisztian Toth · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Helped a twice-betrayed man by the same woman, with a still ongoing affair, to start to learn, grow and understand. Thank you!

[d-fbuser-298773303 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

Very well written with great turns of phrases. 4 instead of five stars because there are no/or it's difficult to decipher "what to do." It's more of a stream of consciousness of different perspectives on the issue from various players. That itself has value, just not sure it needs a long book to convey the message: there's more to an affair than meets the eye; be open and open-minded.

[Jamie Perniciaro · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This book tackled difficult and draining topics while still letting the reader feel empowered and hopeful. The discussions are relevant to current culture waves.