Trauma Ruined My Life (The Real Life Journal of an Abuser

By Salud Kennamer

It was October 2022, and my now-ex-fiance had moved out of our trailer for good. I decided to end our relationship and thought I had emotionally moved on from them. I was dead wrong. What followed them moving out was something I could not have ever thought to experience. I began to experience extreme mood swings, controlling behavior, self-esteem issues, a new-found addiction to alcohol, and a gateway into self harm. This was just the tip of the iceberg, as I was constantly flirting with suicide on a daily basis. I could not begin to even tell you about how I went through an emo phase and multiple other phases as well due to my deteriorating mental health. I began to document my everyday life after our split through two separate journals over a twelve-month span. This is the true tale of how a breakup brought me to the realization that I was an abuser; becoming the same monster that I swore not to become as a kid. This is how trauma ruined my life and how it will ruin yours too...all from the mouth of an abuser

• Language: English
• Publisher: MusicToMurderWith Productions
• Release date: Mar 13, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224569380

Salud Kennamer

     Born in Cleveland, Tennessee, in 1999, Salud Kennamer is a Gothic internet personality (TenTillDeath) determined to spread mental health awareness through music, art, and social media. Mr.Kennamer would spend most of 2023 studying mental health, psychology, and various forms of trauma to better understand his past and the circumstances of others. This would lead Mr.Kennamer to pursue his master's degree in his pursuit to aid others in the field of human services.    In his free time, Mr.Kennamer studies psychology, produces music, sews custom designed clothing, and produces internet content aimed for the alternative culture.

Book preview

By Salud Kennamer

First Edition published by 2024

Copyright © 2024 by Salud Rojelio Kennamer-Morales

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

Salud Rojelio Kennamer -Morales asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

First Edition

CHAPTER 1

Special Thanks

I'd like to thank all of the counselors, therapists, and psychologists that work hard every day in helping and improving others. Most people truly aren't aware how one small change can actually affect generations and even history itself. I'd also like to thank the Lord (for all of my believers out there), my younger brother Dominick, my current girlfriend, Luis, and my friends. I most importantly want to thank my best friend, Jamarius a.k.a Samurai J. Jamarius has been my best friend for the last ten years of my life. We have seen each other's highs, lows, and stalemates. It's been a rough ten years for us, but only in recent years have we seen a gradual improval in our livelihoods. I almost forgot! Thank Gerard Way (of My Chemical Romance) and Jonathan Davis (of Korn) for the music you have brought into this world. Their music has given me quite an outlet to express my feelings of sorrow, and for many others as well.

CHAPTER 2

It's Never Too Late To Change

  If today was the day that it all came crashing, how would you feel? Where would you stand? It's never too late to call on a friend that you wish was still there. - Dallas Clayton

Between March-August of 2023, I was working on a pop-punk album with ironically, the same title as this book you are reading. This album was about change, and how even the worst of us can change. This was months after the breakup between me and my ex-fiance, during my mental health recovery

It's Never Too Late To Change

stage. I came across a Youtube video at the time of a woman's voice reading the book by Mr.Clayton out loud. The words resonated with my journey as a human being , with how I changed, and seemingly, I knew it would fit with the overall message that my album teaches. I decided to sample the women's voice from the Youtube video, and use it to set the tone for the album. I had changed as a human being, and these words by Clayton had struck hope in my heart for others to change as well. To change though, I had to fall, and essentially, I had to die. So what if today was the day that it all came crashing for you?

I hope as you read this book, that you may begin to experience a metamorphosis as a human yourself. Change takes time, and change should never be rushed. You can't change as a person overnight when you're programmed to do what you normally do. Reprogramming and rewiring yourself as an individual takes work, and takes a lot of effort. I urge you dear reader, not to be discouraged by this at all. Everyone works at their own pace, and we can only work with what energy we have to work with. I wish I could have understood this quite sooner in my life. An individual who is wheelchair bound has to work at a different pace than one that's not. An individual who's depressed works a lot slower than someone who is flowing with joy. Why would you be any different? Don't overwhelm yourself by jumping full on into the lake just yet, take small steps by learning to swim first. You'll know when you're ready, and you'll know when you've truly changed without reassurance.

Lastly, I strongly encourage all readers to reflect on some of the viewpoints I will be providing throughout. I truly believe anyone can change, but not everybody will. I hope my story can change any soul's mind that even abusers can leave their ways of hurting others behind. I myself was an abuser in ways that I heavily regret, and by reading this story, you will read about behavior that will most likely put a rancid taste in your mouth. This is a story of alcohol addiction, self harm, and abuse. This is a story of mental health awareness, age regression, and anxiety. This is a story of sexism, narcissism, and prejudices. This is a story of the reality of Gen Z men. This is a story about toxic relationships. This is all of our stories told in one. This is how trauma ruined my life, and resulted in me becoming an abuser.

*Some names in this story have been changed to protect their real-life identities*

808s and Heartbreaks

CHAPTER 3

808s and Heartbreaks

It was October 2019. I had just turned 20 years old about two months prior and moved out of my mother's trailer a month before as well. I ended up moving back to my hometown, Cleveland, Tennessee, from Bowling Green, Kentucky. I ended up in Bowling Green, Kentucky after high school, due to my mother's authority. I was underage at the time that decision was made, so I didn't have much of a say in it. I ended up leaving Kentucky and my mother's for a multitude of reasons.

The first reason was that I never wanted to move to Kentucky to begin with. The second reason came down to my ever-growing unhappiness during the two years I was living there. I had constant issues at home with my younger sister, I would always be arguing with my boss who was also my mother's then boyfriend, and my relationship with my high school sweetheart was a mess. Third, I wanted to actually start my own life and make my own choices for once. Up to this point, life started to feel like a constant cycle of repetition. I would wake up at 4:50 a.m, go with my boss to work on roofing projects, get home around 9-10 p.m from work, and repeat the cycle for about 5-7 days a week. I had started to notice this cycle and saw that I was getting nowhere with my life. Seeing the people who I graduated high school with finishing college, starting families, and making grand life moves, further made me realize the reality of my situation. Lastly, I overheard a conversation between my mother and sister months before hand that cemented my