100 First Dates: Taking the Fear Out of Online Dating for the Over 40's and the Non-tech Savvy

By Karina Solsken

Karina Solsken is a divorced mother of adult children. After being divorced for many years, and having had one brief relationship since the divorce, she decided to try online dating to see if she could find someone compatible.Being mainly during the times of Covid, in and out of lockdowns, the opportunities were limited till the world opened up again, and she continued for close to three years.
At times she had three dates in one day: coffee, lunch and drinks/dinner.
Her observations and knowledge grew as time went on, and after meeting several men and not finding a suitable one she decided she would have 50 dates and then give up . . . unless she met the one she was hoping to meet.
She ended up going on a mission of 50 dates within 150 days, and a few more after that, totalling 100 over nearly three years!
Her writings are her own observations on what she discovered from both male and female perspectives, and the case studies are through her own research and asking friends about their experiences.
She found there was a great need for people over 40 years old to learn about the online dating world, the terminologies and acronyms used, and of course how to go about making a profile and getting started.
Her findings, often funny but very informative, are now highlighted in this book on how to be a beginner at online dating for the 40s-plus and those who have not mastered the incredulous and daunting internet world, and what to expect from creating a profile on a dating app.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Feb 28, 2024
• ISBN: 9781779416919

Book preview

100 First Dates

Taking the Fear Out of Online Dating for the Over 40’s and the Non-tech Savvy

Karina Solsken

100 First Dates

Copyright © 2024 by Karina Solsken

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Tellwell Talent

www.tellwell.ca

ISBN

978-1-77941-690-2 (Paperback)

978-1-77941-691-9 (eBook)

Table of Contents

Chapter 1SITES AND READING BETWEEN THE LINES

Chapter 2FALSE INFORMATION AND FAKE PROFILES/HONESTY

Chapter 3KNOW YOUR TYPE

Chapter 4INSTANT ATTRACTION VS GROWING ON EACH OTHER

Chapter 5RED FLAGS AND BAGGAGE (DEALING WITH EXES… YOURS AND THEIRS!!)

Chapter 6REJECTION AND HOW TO COPE

Chapter 7SEX IS EXPECTED ON THE 3RD DATE!! NO, ITS NOT!!

Chapter 8DETACH BEFORE TOO ATTACHED AND THE L WORD

Chapter 9YOURE NOT THE ONLY ONE!!

Chapter 10GHOSTING AND OTHER TYPES OF DATING ISSUES

Chapter 11DESPERATE AND DATELESS

Chapter 12INTERNATIONAL TRAVELS

Chapter 13REMAINING FRIENDS… PROS AND CONS

Preface

A loving partner will not be concerned about how many degrees you have or how much money you earn. They will be more concerned that you’re passionate about what you’re doing. A loving partner doesn’t care how many facts and data you know. They may enjoy your company if you’re a great conversationalist, but that won’t make them have feelings for you. The way to a partner’s heart is to make them feel safe enough to explore and experience their own authentic self. You do that by feeling safe enough to freely express yourself—without someone else’s permission.

I started online dating with the attitude it would be a social experiment. It was my way of justifying to myself for trying it. Now I’ve learnt a lot about men (and women) and their attitudes, vulnerability and I’m more into intellectual connection rather than just the cute guy in the photo. I’ve also learnt a lot about what women expect and look for.

It’s one of the world’s most interesting social experiments because it correlates technology and social needs which have come about more so due to Date rape, Me Too movement, Women’s Lib etc… and more recently Coronavirus. It was reported that the number of people who started online dating in 2020 and 2021 increased immensely due to what was titled Lockdown Loneliness. However, the number of days in lockdown and with distance restrictions it also meant that many couldn’t meet, so spent more time online chatting with no way or even intention of meeting. It was a way of communicating with others and some used (and abused) the single person bubble or intimate partner exemption in order to be able to meet.

Online dating may be the only way some people get a chance to meet a partner. Gone are the days when men could come up to a girl in the pub/club, flirt and buy her a drink. Females are now scared of date rape drugs put in their drinks as well as stalkers and can often be really rude to men who are quite innocently just trying to chat. The Me Too movement and the ever-changing Women’s Lib ideas have made it difficult for a genuine man to approach a woman.

Men are worried to open a door, pull out a chair or offer to pay when they are unsure how a female will react. Some women find it demeaning, whereas some women long for it, but how is a man supposed to know which one she is? If he was born around the 1950’s and 1960’s then he was brought up to be respectful of women by his parents and grandparents but then in the 1970s some women became feminists and still are, so it is very confusing for men born in that era to know how to act.

Some women get paranoid about meeting a man when out socialising in public. So, it’s hard for both sexes to meet someone organically.

It used to be that people met through friends setting up Blind Dates or trying to match make. Nowadays people tend not to arrange match making for their friends, as they then are blamed for problems that can occur through the couple meeting. People are hesitant to suggest nice friends to meet therefore online dating has filled that void.

Divorcees and older single people have more difficulty meeting suitable partners as older people tend to be off the market due to being long term married or already in a second marriage etc, However being older is actually an advantage over the younger people. Many people in their 20s and 30s are either looking for someone to have a family with, or they are actually not ready to settle down. Older people have more life experience and have worked out what they want in life for their later years. They have possibly already been in love, married or in a relationship and they have learnt how to handle situations better than young people. Of course not all older people are looking for a life partner but generally older people know what they want and don’t want to mess around with pointless meetings and time wasting futile chit chat.

When I first started online dating, I basically wanted to see who was out there and if there was anyone I was interested in meeting. I did not intend to go on so many dates but I chatted to a few men online and not being one for mindless and endless back and forth messaging, I decided I would meet a few for coffee (the safest option). So, I started on my merry way making dates and I found that I was meeting some very interesting people. As I always say, the world has 8 billion stories

I had over 300 men contact me in the first 48 hours of being online. It took me 5 days to sift through them based on age, distance, physical fitness, intelligence, appearance, attitude and of course compatibility. Then I fine tuned to a short list of about 30. I was able to work out after the 1st dates who were genuine, honest & didn’t have any baggage.

Then I short listed those who I could possibly see in my long-term future, based on common interests, well-travelled, worldly, intelligent, a nice personality & made me laugh and of course… attraction.

I had 28 first dates in the first 5 weeks and then second dates with the few I had chosen from that 28. I kept getting new messages from new men. as time went on and my profile was being looked at, until over 150 days, I ended up with 50 first dates not including all the 2nd, 3rd and 4th dates of some, adding up to a total of 78 dates including the 50 first dates. I decided to stop at 50 because I had worked out what I was looking for and had a short list of 3.

I enjoyed the meetings and being a person into people and their lives and thoughts, having studied psychology, I would ask a lot of questions. Not just personal but also about their opinions on current affairs and what they were looking for from online dating. The responses were varied but overall, most were looking for a proper relationship with someone they had a real connection with and could see a future.

Mind you, I did not plan a date with anyone who was sleazy or had ulterior motives but I will get to that later in the book.

After 50 new dates in 150 days, I decided that I had learnt enough and it was time to stop the search and stick with ones who I found the most appealing. However, as is with many new relationships it takes a while for red flags to appear so after a few failures I continued on again. Now I am sharing my experiences and observations as I had had first dates with close to 100 men. I have learnt a lot about myself and about others and decided to write my observations down. This book is mainly from a female perspective however men have told me their experiences as well. Therefore, both sexes can learn from the case studies enclosed.

After over 3 years I had had enough. I was literally ready to give up and had my app open and was trying to find where on the site I could delete my account. Another profile popped up. He was only one suburb away and looked quite nice. His photos were genuine and he said he was looking for someone with a heart of gold. I liked that.

I thought to myself Why not? One more wont hurt

I contacted him and he is the one. At the 11th hour I met my match. So don’t give up!!

(Of course, I’m not allowing him to read this book!! Haha)

Glossary of Terminology

Acts of service

These are acts that can be done as someone’s love language. These acts can be cooking or ordering their favourite food. Offer to walk their dog, wash their dishes, help them repair something or take it to be repaired, ask if they need something at the shops or assist with paperwork. These are small favours to show that you care rather than buying gifts.

Aromantic

Not having the romantic feelings that others feel. Some people find it difficult to fall in love and they are considered aromantic

Bearfishing

The coronavirus pandemic-inspired the concept of bearfishing. With early panic buying in grocery stores which led to massive shortages of toilet paper, bearfishing is when you pretend you have tons of toilet paper at home in the hopes of getting a date with someone who has none, to come over. Ridiculous!!

Beige flag

Signifies that a person may be boring. They put little effort into their profile and little effort when on a date. It can be a personality trait or lack of self care. Beige being a neatral colour without much zest.

Benching

Benching is when they’re not into someone enough to commit to officially dating them, but they don’t want them to move on and find someone else either, so they string them along just enough to keep them waiting on the sidelines for them. A text, a phone call or even a quick date. This can be either because they are confused or unsure or it could be that they are a possessive person and whilst they date others, they don’t want you to. Be careful as if this goes on too long you have missed opportunities with others not to mention that a person so possessive can be opening up a serious problem for you.

Benching is when someone puts you on the back burner while they continue to date other people. They know you’re there and ready to play if they call you up to the plate.

It’s like you are waiting on the bench for your turn to play in the game but the coach hasn’t said you will get a go yet. He is just keeping you there till someone else has to come off the field

Boost

This is an extra fee offered by some dating sites in order to boost your profile. To boost your profile means you get your profile seen closer to the start of the swiping. Your profile is seen sooner than the others not boosted and therefore you get more exposure and more chance of a connection

Bot

It is a fake account with the intention that you will eventually give your bank or credit card details. You can usually spot a bot if they are extremely good looking with over revealing photos and a very generic bio on their profile. They send a phone number link which is a scam. They also want you to move off the app quite quickly. They have stolen the photos of themselves from someone else and play the game that they are very interested in you. Its all too much too soon and then if you click the link they can hack you.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is leading you on by dropping small morsels of interest—an occasional message, phone call, date plan, or social media interaction. These happen sporadically and usually don’t have any follow through. In other words, you have been communicating on and off for awhile yet no one has made an actual planned time and date to meet as it’s only ever been suggested and never confirmed. They put in time and effort to keep you interested so they don’t lose you while they are dating other people

Breadcrumbing goes hand in hand with benching.

Catch and Release

Catch and Release is used to describe someone who just enjoys the chase. They work really hard to catch someone and once they attain them, they release them. Like catching the fish with no intention of keeping it.

Catfishing

People who cat fish, lie about their height, weight and age. They can come across very confident over text and phone calls, even Facetime but then in person be the most quiet and shy person ever. You can have a good connection virtually but in person there may not be any connection at all. This happened to me a couple of times. Skip endless days of texts and meet in person.

Sometimes their profile is completely fake and they are scammers who will eventually, once they feel you are liking them, give you a sob story and finally ask you for money. There have been very many sad stories of lonely people falling for these scammers and losing a lot of money.

Cisgender

A person whose gender identity corresponds with the sex registered for them at birth; not transgender.

Cissexist

Discrimination or prejudice against transgender people

Cookie Jarring

Cookie jarring is when the person you have been dating (without an official status) has little intention of getting into a relationship with you but keeps you as a backup option while they pursue other people. You’re the backup plan in case others fail. Its like keeping cookies in a jar.

You are merely a place holder. You may be a convenience for companionship, sex or to kill time while they are waiting for the right person to come along

Cuffing season

Don’t think handcuffs. Cuff season is a defined period of the year of mostly colder-weather months, during which online daters, who would otherwise want to be single, search for a partner to snuggle and settle down with until the weather warms up and they can pursue others

Curve

Its a slang term meaning rejection. It can be if someone stands you up for a date or says no if you ask them out then you have been curved

Cushioning

Cushioning is the process of staying in contact with one or more romantic prospects by flirting or texting as a backup in case things don’t go well with the one they are actually dating. The cushions are usually kept on the periphery by texting rather than meeting up. It also means to cushion the blow if their main relationship doesn’t work out. It is not cheating in a physical sense but more so keeping your options open.

Dawn dating

Scheduling dates for the morning hours. Usually before 10am so it may be for coffee or breakfast and can also be just going for a walk or run together

Deep like

Deep like is when a person scrolls through their date’s or potential date’s social media profiles and they like very old photos, either intentionally or accidentally. A deep like risks letting someone know that they’re not only interested in them but that they actually spent time researching them. People may be happy their date took the time or they may be upset that they have been Stalked. It really depends on how a person feels about that person

Delusionship

Any relationship where one person has a different idea about the seriousness of the relationship with the other. It is different to Situationship where both parties are knowingly in a non committed relationship even if one person is hoping for more. Delusionship is when one of the couple imagine the person they are dating is more invested than they really are.

Dial-toning

Dial-toning is probably one of the most confusing and annoying things about the dating world today. It’s what happens when someone takes your phone number and says they’re going to text or call and then never does. What was the point of that?

"Dogfishing"

is where an online dating profile has photos of you with dogs that you don’t actually own. Or maybe a fast fancy car that you happen to be standing next to and its not yours.

Eclipsing

Eclipsing has happened to most people. When someone starts dating someone new, it is normal to show an interest in the hobbies that are important to them, but if they start taking on all of those hobbies as their own, that’s called eclipsing. It might not seem like a big issue but if you like to play golf with your mates and then all of a sudden she wants to always play golf with you instead or she likes to go to movie nights with her girlfriends and then he wants to come along everytime too. You lose your independence and personal space and your hobbies are no longer your own.

Emotional Intelligence

Also known as EQ is the ability to understand and control your own emotions. It is a positive trait as people who have this capability can also see and understand how others think and feel. It can relieve their own and their partners stress in a positive way as they empathize and communicate, which can defuse conflicts.

Exing

Exing is when someone is still hung up on their ex and pining for them. They like to play that on-again / off-again game with their ex and generally use new people to stir up the drama between the two of them. Creating jealousy, insecurity and confusion in their partner and the people they are dating.

FBO

An acronym for Facebook official. This is when you change your relationship status on Facebook to in a relationship with the person you are seeing. This is a way of making the world know you are an official couple. Yet, don’t jump too quickly to make it FBO because if it doesn’t last then you have to change your status back to single and then face all the questions about what went wrong.

Firedooring

A one-way fire door—on rare occasions, someone will come out of hiding to contact you, but won’t respond if you attempt to get in touch with them. It’s a setup that only works in deeply unequal situations—if you’re getting firedoored, you’re constantly feeling frustrated and only occasionally satisfied. If this is happening to you, get out and close the door behind you. There are a lot of people out there who won’t do this to you. A fire door is a one-way door—it allows you to exit (on rare occasions) but never allows anyone to enter.

Flash panning

The honeymoon phase when the nights are steamy, the days are fun, and you can’t get enough of each other do not last forever. If someone is only sticking around for those days and then loses interest once the honeymoon phase is over, they are flashpanning.

Fleabagging

From the movie Fleabag which is what happens when someone constantly and deliberately dates people who are not right for them, and they know it.

Fluffer

Being a fluffer means that you spend a lot of time and energy getting someone ready for a relationship, but not actually getting to date that person yourself because they then start to date someone else.

Foster Dating

Foster dating is when you help someone improve themselves so they can find their forever home.

You are the boyfriend or girlfriend before they find their spouse. You get them groomed, prepared & ready which may not be your intention and if you find them in a long term relationship after you were hoping to be in one with them it can be quite hurtful and insulting.

Freckling

Just as cooler temperatures bring out the cuffing season and coupling up, warmer temperatures change people’s dating behaviours. If someone only seems interested in you during the warmer months, it might be a case of freckling. Maybe they got out of a relationship during the spring and now that it’s summertime, you’re on their hook up list. Unfortunately, they’re not looking for anything serious or permanent—just like freckles, they’ll disappear come autumn.

From the word freckles, which are small patches of facial skin that darken during the summer for some people with pale skin.

Genderfluid

Thus means that the persons gender can change from day to day. This can mean they identify as a woman one day, a man the next and neither on another day

Generational Trauma

This occurs to people suffering trauma from their childhood. Example: a child witnesses and lives with domestic