Why Men Cheat, What Men Really Think and Internet Dating

By Maurice Dean

Why Men Cheat is intended to give its readers a realistic look into dating and relationships from an observation standpoint distinct from any book of its kind. Unlike doing research where an author may interview several single people or a few couples with a questionnaire to get their perspective on dating, longevity, and infidelity. Why Men Cheat is based on unscripted access and full disclosure based on the normal day-to-day interaction with would-be friends, family, and coworkers.

My observation has been the type of fly-on-the-wall access that we often, after the fact, wish we could have had to better make an assessment of a certain situation. Rather than interviewing a couple or setting up a night to go out on the town to research the behavior of the person being interviewed as most people do in their research, I have had undetected interaction and surveillance of the behavior and true intentions of friends and strangers because I too was part of the dating environment.

I have maintained and outside looking in perspective on many relationships and marriages throughout the years. I have witnessed firsthand the start of romance for many relationships but unfortunately been around to see several of those bonds deteriorate over time because of neglect or infidelity.

My advice, although sometimes not favorable to what women really want to hear as they confide in me, is unbiased and based on “what men really think.”

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 27, 2011
• ISBN: 9781453583890

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Copyright © 2011 by Maurice Dean.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2010914180

ISBN: Hardcover    978-1-4535-8388-3

ISBN: Softcover      978-1-4535-8387-6

ISBN: Ebook            978-1-4535-8389-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

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Heartfelt Thanks to:

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Ithiell B. Yisrael

Marcia M. Neilly

Kathy Nelson

Angela Leiba

Contents

Introduction

First Encounter

Always Be Yourself

Turnoffs

Attraction

Dating

Why He Won’t Call

Sex

Make Him Wait

Longevity

Committment

The Internet

Top Twenty Tips For Internet Dating

Deception

How Many Men Cheat

Prevention

Conclusion

INTRODUCTION

My inspiration for writing this book is because in my twenty years in the military, I have had what I would call a crash course on relationships. I have observed or have been exposed to more relationships in twenty years than most people will be subjected to in a lifetime.

Unlike a regular work environment where a company may hire a few people a year, or a family setting where you have a few relatives or friends getting married every couple of years, I have had the pleasure and privilege of watching hundreds of people come into my work and personal environment, and watched their lives progress from dating to marriage on a yearly basis. With that exposure I have also had the regrettable experience of witnessing a lifetime of breakups and divorces.

What made my military environment such a unique place for relationship observation, is because it puts a multicultural dating society under one roof. While visiting any major city like Los Angeles, New York or Chicago, which are comprised of a vast amount of different nationalities that work together. You may not notice that at the end of the day, a majority of them will revert back to their own perspective neighborhoods or boroughs. The military’s uniqueness is that it brings a melting pot of ages, backgrounds, and genres into an environment where they may have never lived or visited.

The military also puts you side by side with the same people you may have otherwise never acknowledged, as you passed one another on the streets and subways. What makes my observation unique is at the end of the day, instead of going to our separate parts of town, we also share the same eating and living environment. We are also responsible for one another’s professional as well as personnel well-being. Also, unlike a civilian boss or supervisor, I have had personal access to information about almost every aspect of the lives of the people who work for and with me.

Another unique facet that makes the Military an interesting cultivation for relationship observation, is that it is comprised of all demographics that would fall under the dating spectrum. It ranges from the young adults, approximately eighteen to twenty-five, who are first venturing out into the world. Then it is centered by the more seasoned dating adults who range from twenty-six to thirty-five. Finally, it caps off at the mature adults, who may be seeking that second romance/marriage, ranging from thirty-six and beyond.

Often, many people in the military marry young or for the wrong reason. When those relationships fail, as a leader, I am one of the first people involved in the counseling. I have counseled many female friends who have confided in me for my opinion/advice on dating, relationships and reluctantly, how to distinguish a good man from a dishonest man. What qualifies me to write on this subject is that, I have been that dishonest man. I have been unfaithful in a relationship. I have carried the burden of breaking someone’s heart, but I have also loved and felt karma’s bitter revenge and had my heart broken as well.

A majority of my female subordinates that I have counseled, are away from home for the first time and are new to dating as young adults, without a parent’s supervision or guidance. Many of my female friends have also been my peers, who have reached that point where they are tired of the dating games and want to meet someone who is ready to go to the next level. A good many of my more mature friends feel like they are just in a relationship out of convenience, and are curious as to how to put that spark or romance back into their relationship. Many of my more mature friends are also recently divorced and are new to dating in the new millennium. They find themselves in an era where courtship has changed; texting and e-mails are the new forms of communication, and Internet dating is on the rise.

I have had the pleasure of living and traveling to Europe, Asia, Australia and Africa, which has afforded me the opportunity to meet women from different cultures and get their perspectives on dating and relationships. Most would be surprised to know that they have the same issues and concerns as women in the U.S. I have also conversed and made many friends with men from all the countries I have visited. With the exception of the very religious, Ladies you will be surprised to know that men, no matter where they are from, fall under the same categories as men in America. The universal categories seem to be, the taken, the playas, the perfect but gay man, and the ever-so-illusive good man.

I find it interesting that women in other countries think that American men are nicer in their advance, although the intent may be the same. I have spoken to women from Australia, Japan and Europe and have heard the same comparison about their men and American men. The perception is that the Australian/Japanese/European man in their approach is more direct and may just simply approach a woman and ask her if she is interested in sex or going to a hotel, no small talk required.

They find that American men are more cordial and complementary, even if their intent is just as devious or even sincere. For the romantic enthusiasts, don’t be discouraged. For the purpose of this discussion, we are only referring to the bad guys; we will discuss the good guys in a later chapter. Unfortunately, I have only spent one day in Paris, so I couldn’t make an observation if the women there think that their men are as romantic as the stereotype portrays them to be (joking).

What makes this book different from most is that it’s not written by a so-called relationship expert or someone with a psychology or sociology degree. I think the biggest problem with a book like that is, the research itself. What I mean by that is if you go out and poll or interview a group of people with a list of specific questions about their relationships, dating or their indiscretions, you will most likely get what I call the politically correct or morally correct answer. It’s fascinating how most people when put under the verbal microscope of giving their self-observation tend to paint themselves in a good light. Even if we admit to some of our indiscretions, we still withhold truths and certain secrets about our devilish deeds and true intentions.

One of the first things I tell my female friends is that, I will not give them a politically correct or morally correct answer. I won’t sugarcoat the truth and I let them know that they are getting an unbiased insight into a man’s world, or what men really think but will not admit to most women. If you ask your average guy what his opinion is of your situation, he will undoubtedly take your side because he is a friend. If he’s not a friend, he will subconsciously put himself in the situation you described and try to give an answer that makes himself look good, or as we call it, collecting points.

The advice I give my female friends is what I did or observed from other men who were cheating. I let them know what guys really do when they are out trying to pick up women. I tell them what I did when I wanted to be deceptive. I make them aware of the true intentions and deceptive tactics that men boastfully share with one another in break rooms, to suppress one another’s case of The Mondays. I also tell them what I did for that person I really cared about. I let them know how far a man will really go if he truly cares about them. Most importantly, I let them know how much power they have in the relationship. The power I am speaking of is not the power to control, but the power to inspire.

Most of my beliefs are generalizations about my past based on my interpretations of painful or pleasurable experiences.

-anonymous

FIRST ENCOUNTER

For the young and young at heart, dating can be a wonderful experience. To meet someone new who really excites your emotions and has your attention and admiration can be very fulfilling. Almost instantly, our emotions are uplifted to new heights. We immediately start spending more time with our new love interest and lessening the time we spend with friends and loved ones. For others, a new love may be the catalyst to make them more sociable as they begin to double date or attend more social events and evenings out on the town. We put personal projects on hold or we begin to explore new adventures together. For many others, that new person can be the inspiration to finish a degree or to accomplish goals we have been pushing to the side. We pick up a new bounce in our step and our whole outlook on life brightens up.

If you have been playing the dating game for a while, it can also become a tedious, monotonous experience. Most people in this category feel they already know the game and may grow tiresome of all the superficial misrepresentation of people they are exposed to constantly. At this stage of awareness, you become familiar with all the rehearsed lines and exaggerations of the truth that people use over and over, as if they patterned something new that has never been said or done in attempts of picking up a new date. Along with this new awareness and a few bumps along the road of life, you learn that heartbreak and hurt will pass you by in time. You realize that love will come your way again, and true happiness is within. You mature to the point where you are no longer looking or depending on a new love to bring happiness in your life, but it only compliments the love and happiness you already have inside of you.

For those just returning to dating, it can be exciting as well as stressful. There can be a lot of anxiety about what the new unwritten rules are, what has changed, and what expectations are out there. Being away from the dating scene for such a long time will require a lot of adjusting to in the new millennium. The things we were accustomed to years ago have either changed, or have been replaced by technology. Romantic talks have been replaced by text messaging and instant messaging. Inviting a person to dinner means, Google the address and then put it in your navigation and maybe I will meet you there. Getting to know each other means, I will read your profile and see if we are a match or compatible.

There are however, a few perks to the new era of dating, such as the blind dates have almost been eradicated from the Earth by cell phone pictures or e-mail pictures. Also, because men do not initially pick up women at their homes anymore, the odds of meeting a potential stalker has been drastically reduced. Because of the Internet, more mature women and men have a venue where they can find a second love right in the comfort of their homes. They now have the option to use online dating sites instead of going to a congested nightclub or a packed social gathering.

Regardless of which dating category you may fit in, be it the novice young adults who are exploring dating without the vigilant eye of their parents or guardian, starting a new relationship will have its challenges. You may be one of the more seasoned, aware adults who know the game but just haven’t found that special person yet. Like a perfectly aged fine wine, you may also be one of the more mature but newly single adults who may be starting over after a lengthy relationship.