How I Fixed My Teen- And My 9 Essentials Steps So That You Can Do The Same

By Heather Frazier

Navigating the turbulent waters of teenage years can be daunting for any parent. In "How I Fixed My Teen," Heather Frazier, a seasoned life coach specializing in parent-teen relationships, shares her personal journey and professional insights. This extremely intimate book is more than just a guide; it's a beacon of hope, and a testament to the p

• Language: English
• Publisher: Stormy Ocean Publishing
• Release date: Jan 1, 2024
• ISBN: 9798218333751

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How I Fixed My Teen

...and my 9 essential steps so that you can do the same

Heather Frazier

Copyright © 2024 by Heather Frazier

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

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Contents

Prologue

1. Let’s Get Personal

2. Expectations that it will go how I want, and other foolishness

3. Control. It’s my fault, and also, let me do everything

4. I suck so bad, and everyone sees that

5. What the Effing-eff, freaking-A is happening!?!

6. I am me. She is her. I am me. She is her. If I say it enough, will I stop thinking I failed because of the choices she’s made?

7. After months of trying, my friend finally gets through to me

8. The time I ran out of church crying because of her

9. I wanted to believe that’s all there was to know. Yeah, no.

10. Garbage disposal moms

11. It’s Larks turn to run from the Chapel

Questions to Discuss or Journal On

To the mothers who feel unseen while giving their entire self to their babies.

I see you.

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Thank you to my husband and children for allowing me to share our story. It is a great strength to be vulnerable, and I will forever appreciate your personal strength, coupled with your belief in me to share my truth. I love you with my whole soul, every cell in my body, and the space between.

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Thank you to my coach, friend, publisher, and mentor, Carrie. She was the one who told me I could write this book. She also told me how much she loved it when she read my first draft, and that was freaking awesome. 

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Thank you to my friends, sisters, and brothers, who mentored me in becoming an author. 

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Thank you to my parents for teaching me what love is so that I could also teach my babies. 

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And a forever thank you to my heavenly parents who guided my words, sassy and all, to know exactly what to say and share. Especially when it was hard. Writing a book wasn’t on my radar. This was all them, and it’s meant for you. xoxo

Prologue

Looking back, I can see so clearly where things went sideways. I was doing my best but my best wasn’t working. In fact, the more I did the more it seemed to hurt. I was in my own personal hell. 

I would go and cry in my giant, custom closet filled with beautiful clothes and expensive shoes. 

I was certain that my two oldest kids hated me, and that made everything I had, all of it, worth nothing. Sure, I’d rather have my creature comforts, but if I could have exchanged all of it to win them back, to know that I wasn't the most crap mom of all time, I would have without hesitation. As my chest heaved up and down and the tears started burning my eyes, I couldn’t care less about all these possessions in my closet. They were never it. 

That’s the thing about possessions. They sometimes feel like the most important thing until they aren’t. No one ever tells us that. We are told to create the American Dream! But what if the dream isn’t about things but relationships?

I was also doing that typical mom thing of not thinking that I had the right to be unhappy. After all, I had a great husband, cars that ran every day, healthy kids, my own health, freedom, a home, awesome friends, and family to support me. As much as I thought I had no right to be unhappy, I still was. 

I had given everything: sleep, sanity, my body and heart to children who didn’t seem to value me beyond the reason for either their happiness or wrath. My value was dependent on their current moods and feelings towards me, which hadn’t been great for quite some time.

And so I was alone in this miserable place, a black void where there should be joy, all while silently looking Insta perfect. 

I knew that if I could just fix my teens, get them to love and obey me, everything would be okay. I was willing to give away every single pair of shoes and every handbag to make it happen, but the problem was, I couldn't find someone willing to take my entire Ugg collection to fix my kids. Fortunately for me, I found the best, most effective way to get the peace and happiness I wanted. 

So, what’s up with your teens? Do they act like they hate you too? Do they argue with you, lie to you, and secretly, or not so secretly, wish that they had another mom? Do you ever find yourself wishing away their teen years or desperately trying to make them like you by bending over backward to get their approval? I can feel you shaking your head yes. I’m so glad you are here. We have a lot to talk about.

Turns out, the cost of fixing them so that I could feel better was much greater. And also much easier than what I had been doing. Rest assured, you aren’t going to have to dig through your closet or the family jewels to fix your teen. I’m here to share with you what it took for me, and how you can do it too.

1

Let’s Get Personal

Small talk isn’t my thing. I like to connect with people on a deeper level than the weather or what they’ve been doing today. Knowing someone's history where they’re at in life, can be relevant, but I would much rather start conversations with, What emotion is heavy on your heart today? Perhaps, How is your day hard, or how is your day perfect? or maybe, You show me your wounds, and I’ll show you mine. 

Yeah- I guess it’s strange to lead with that. 

Knowing someone generally is probably more socially acceptable and doesn’t smell of unresolved trauma. So here you go with small talk so that we can get to the good stuff in a socially acceptable manner. 

I’m a Mormon (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, if you want to be technical. This is a high-demand Christian religion, which I happen to love), mom of 4 bio kids, and a few wonderful bonus kids that came to me in various ways. I love yoga, deep conversations, my family, my friends, all things visually beautiful, early bedtime, long massages, and occasional paper crafting (did you notice that I hand-made the cover just for you? But more on that later).

I love the beach, early morning snuggles from my baby girl, highly animated people so that I can be entertained without having to do the entertaining, compliments, nice restaurants, comfy clothes, expensive shoes, my Savior, things that seem at odds but make sense together, and feeling myself grow.

Sister time is the best, as well as hot dates with my husband, laughing so hard I get a stitch, singing loud to music in the car by myself, and so much more that I’m getting carried away with it. Still, my favorite thing is deep connection- feeling seen, knowing another's soul, and them knowing mine, so let's get to it.

Now that we have finished that, why don’t you cozy up next to me so we can read my journal together? (See, I told you! Straight to the nitty gritty with me.)

My journal (that my kids would sometimes draw or write in):

October 2008, a letter from Lark at 7 yrs old

Dear mom,

I love you so much! (10,000) I hate it when you are ill. I hope you never craye (cry) 

Love, Lark

(With the stick drawing from the top of the chapter of her and I together.)

Lark had seen me have a meltdown a day prior. To be honest, I wasn’t sick. I was having one of those moments that we all have. One of those days when everything felt terrible, I felt like the most useless person and wondered what I was even doing. I made an excuse that I didn’t feel well, but she’s always been able to see to my heart, even if her seven-year-old brain couldn't articulate it then, to call me out. She learned that later. 

Fast forward to one of my angry venting entries a decade later.

May 12, 2018

Lark, why do you delight in hurting others?! You single-handedly ruined my Mother's Day weekend. You mock me relentlessly, tease anyone in the room, and even try to inflict physical pain on me and them. Why? You say you’ve never felt the spirit or even if God exists. You lie to yourself. What darkness has such a