Single, and too tired to mingle: On relationships. With ourselves, our exes, our kids and other important beings.

By Coco Novak

Coco Novak, a woman who had it all - a thriving start-up, a brand-new home, and two young sons. She should have been happy - but she realised in her photos, the truth was different.



When Coco realized she was unhappy, she decided to embark on a two-year journey of self-discovery. She coined her 'Three pillars' concept.

An easy way to assess life satisfaction - whether it's about her parenting, relationships, or work. Balancing the chaos of motherhood and everyday life, Coco fearlessly dives into the heart of her relationships.



She examines the connections that matter most: the one with herself, her bond with her kids, her relationship with her parents and siblings, and the ex-relationships of the men who have loved her. This isn't just another autobiography or a book about divorce.

"Single, and too tired to mingle" is a motivational read for all mothers.



Filled with anecdotes, backed by research, and featuring thought-provoking self-help sections, this book will spark a fire in you. Discover the tools to bring out your best self, even in the face of daily challenges and the constant demands on us, single mothers.



Easy to read, this is a story of resilience, unyielding determination, and empowerment.



What her beta readers say:

Trish: Just finished reading through for the first time! Really gripping stuff, terrific pace and impressive command of narrative. Just like you IRL :-)

Lisa: I thought the self-help sections at the end of every chapter were very useful.

Charlotte: The book really helped me to see the relationship I am in. Very useful info and great read. Thank you.

Andrea: Thaaanks for sending me the first chapters! Fantastic stories and soooo funny! Also lots to think about. Please send me more!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Coco Novak, PhD
• Release date: Dec 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9781738436286

Book preview

SINGLE,

AND TOO TIRED TO MINGLE

On relationships. With ourselves, our exes, our kids and other important beings.

An autobiography & self-help book

Coco Novak, PhD

Published in Great Britain on 12.12.2023 by

Coco Novak, PhD

Copyright @ Coco Novak, 2023

www.coconovak.com

Photo credits

Silvina Barredo Photography

Cover by

Blessing on Fiverr

978-1-7384362-8-6

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without permission in writing from the author.

This book is dedicated to all the (single) mothers around the world.

May the tribe stick together.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style.

Maya Angelou.

Table Of Contents

Introduction

CHAPTER 1-The three pillars

CHAPTER 2-On relationships

CHAPTER 3-On Parenting

CHAPTER 4-On raising boys

CHAPTER 5-On single motherhood

CHAPTER 6-On exes having kids with another partner

CHAPTER 7-On parents

CHAPTER 8-On siblings

CHAPTER 9-On my favourite men

Chapter Synopsis

The three pillars – Being unhappy was not an option: Was it my work, my kids, or the relationship with my partner? What I did to monitor life satisfaction.

On relationships (or the necessity of being in one) – Why does it seem socially important for us to be in a relationship? Are people in relationships happier than singletons?

On parenting – Easier in theory than in practice: To have kids or not to have kids? How (not) to treat kids during a divorce or split.

On raising boys (mostly) – The joys and challenges of boys: Why do we call girls princesses, but so easily punish boys?  Let’s have a great relationship with our sons!

On single motherhood – The often-underappreciated role of mothers globally: From the Roe vs Wade fiasco to ‘pro-life’ advocates. Single parents must be supported.

On exes having kids with another partner – Having our ego in check is a challenge we must overcome: The importance of healthy co-parenting, despite its difficulties.

On parents – What should be our most positive influence in life, sometimes isn’t: A guide to different parenting styles.

On siblings – Raised to be in rivalry with my siblings: A sad journey with my sister, the unusual tale of my brother, and the relationship with my own two kids.

On my favourite men (and a girl) – A retrospective and a Thank You to the favourite men in my life who have been my anchor. And a bit about a girl.

Introduction

From the woman who was too tired to mingle

I hadn’t been single since the age of fourteen, that is, until the day I made the life-changing move to London.

So, why did I move to London? The answer lies in the fact that the father of my two sons, Matthew, was from London. Moreover, living in London had been a lifelong aspiration of mine. Aaaah, the infamous "Be careful what you wish for!" I wished for it, and indeed, I got it. Although, I'm not entirely certain I wished to be single for the next decade!

Being a single mother has proven to be demanding, time-consuming, tiring, financially challenging, and emotionally draining. However, it has also been a pleasure, as I had a front-row seat to witness two young boys transform into amazing young men.

This book delves into both the enjoyable and challenging moments of my journey as a single mother. I am confident it will resonate with anyone facing similar circumstances. Through anecdotes, academic research, and a self-help/self-analysis section, we will explore the following topics:

The three pillars: Learn how to quickly assess your life satisfaction and identify areas that need change.

Parenting styles: Understand the impact of different parenting styles on children, drawing parallels to our own experiences growing up.

Effects of divorce on children: Explore the repercussions of divorce on children, emphasizing the importance of not using them as pawns in your divorce proceedings.

Raising boys and girls: Gain insights into effective strategies for raising boys and girls.

Global support for new parents: Discover how various countries support mothers and where in the world you might find yourself with little to no support.

Discovering your talents and passions is a must: Learn how to identify your talents and passions, along with guidance on changing your career at any age.

Navigating ex-partners' new relationships: Explore strategies for managing disappointment and your ego when exes move on with other partners.

Fostering sibling friendships: Understand how to raise siblings to be friends rather than rivals.

Selective Mutism: Explore the collision of a new language and parental divorce in the context of selective mutism.

Acknowledging positive influences: Men receive a lot of stick in society, so I thought I would end the book with the wonderful and interesting men that have had the most positive influence in my life.

As I write this book, I stand on the cusp of turning fifty. Throughout my life, I've cherished my birthdays, and the anticipation for this milestone is no different. Approaching this momentous occasion, I find myself reflecting on life, love, parenthood, personal well-being, careers, relationships with siblings, and the intricate tapestry of family dynamics - all the joy, stress, and drama that accompanies them.

Despite the challenges of raising two boys (almost) on my own, navigating the trials and tribulations of life in London, and not encountering any (single) men worth dating, I aim for the book to convey a positive and uplifting perspective on the world. As my outlook tends to gravitate towards the lighter side of life.

It doesn't mean I shy away from delving into the serious aspects of the topics I write about. It simply means I don't let life's challenges pull me under.

It's worth noting that there's a wealth of additional research available on each topic, and what I've presented here only scratches the surface.

The names of people and some locations have been changed, but all my stories and anecdotes are true. To understand the narrative easier, here is the timeline to the main events of my life:

I am from Ljubljana, Slovenia, where I spent most of my formative years, except for a five-year period in Australia. Our family relocated there when I was nine. My sister, Flora, was four years my junior, and my brother, Sebastian, was born four years after her. At that time, none of us kids spoke a word of English.

Sebastian was still a baby when we made the move. For those grappling with childhood issues related to language barriers and/or divorce, I highly recommend reading the section dedicated to him in chapter eight.

My educational journey unfolded in Slovenia, where I completed high school and university. While pursuing a PhD in biochemistry and molecular biology, I conducted most of my research in my hometown, with a one-year stint at King's College in London.

Matthew was my last meaningful relationship, and this connection resulted in my two amazing sons, Nick and Joshua. I met Matthew during my post-grad studies in London. I ended the relationship with the boyfriend I was living with because of him. When Nick was a few weeks old, we moved to Geneva, as Matthew was there on a postdoc.

When Nick was just under a year old, the three of us returned to Slovenia. We opted for the excellent childcare system there, knowing it would provide us with the most support. Two and a half years later, we welcomed our second son, Joshua. When the boys were around the ages of seven and five, I made the heartbreaking decision to end my relationship with Matthew.

Matthew moved back to London shortly after our separation. Raising the boys without their father nearby proved to be too challenging for me and too sad for the boys. I believed they needed to grow up closer to their father. Also, Matthew's family offered a more stable environment than mine, providing the boys with a wonderful grandfather and uncles as male role models.

About a year after Matthew’s move to London, I called him one day and informed him that we were moving to London too.

When I moved to London with the boys, they were approximately nine and seven years old. To facilitate co-parenting, Matthew and I lived just seven houses apart. While it was easier for me to have Matthew just down the road, potential boyfriends in London often struggled to comprehend this arrangement, causing concerns, and leading to frequent conversations. Nevertheless, I prioritized the well-being of my children and the co-parenting relationship with Matthew.

While I do have a PhD, I don't hold any qualifications as a psychologist or psychiatrist and am not an expert in a similar field. I'm simply a single mother who has raised two remarkable boys and this is my story. They are now in their late teens, and our relationship remains strong.

I have always worked full-time and have undergone significant career changes. Starting with a PhD in biochemistry and molecular biology, I transitioned to opening a high-end store for baby gear; and years later, I found fulfilment as a tennis coach and manager of tennis venues.

My approach to life has been rooted in refusing to be unhappy, complacent, and I don’t tolerate any BS interference with my life. Choosing to live on your own terms is often more difficult, but it also brings many positives.

I trust you will find the book enjoyable and discover anecdotes and information to add a touch of ease and fun to your own life. Remember, you're not alone on this journey.

I invite you to join the conversation on the Coco Novak Facebook page and share your thoughts and experiences on being a (single) mother.

As mothers, we're all in this together.

Let’s go!

CHAPTER 1

The three pillars

Life is simple, but we insist on making it complicated. — Confucius

What is important in life? Not as many things as one would think.

I lived a carefree life until the age of thirty. I was young, good looking, got by in school. I had wonderful boyfriends and looking back, I had no idea how great these guys actually were. I took them for granted. I could afford holidays through part-time work, I played sports, and looked great in photos. I never wore makeup, and my style of dressing has always been casual, requiring very little effort even on that part.

I was twenty-eight when I broke up with Alex. We had been together for five years at this point and lived together for two of them. He was completely heartbroken when I ended the relationship as he wanted to marry me and have kids. Alex and I had completed our last year of Uni together and stayed together throughout our postgrad. We lived, studied, and partied together. I studied Biochemistry and Molecular Biology at the Medical faculty in Ljubljana– analysing genes suspected to be associated with Anorexia and Bulimia nervosa; he studied Biotechnology.

Like all the favourite men in my life, he was smarter than me, which I loved because I find intelligence sexy. We were two good looking geeks. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. OK, no drugs – he was against that and was displeased with my one-time experimentation with Cocaine in London. I always told him everything, even stuff I knew he would not be happy about. He never got angry with me.

You would have been hard pressed to find one of us without the other. We were the ‘IT’ couple - fun, educated, and we complemented each other with our matching brown hair and blue eyes. His hair was longer than mine, which I loved. Life was easy.

I am from Slovenia, a tiny country in the heart of Europe. In Slovenia, postgraduate programmes lasted for five years at the time. Three years into my (our) PhD, my mentor presented me with the opportunity to conduct my lab work at King's College in London. Being passionate about travel and having dreamt of living in London since I was eighteen, I jumped at the opportunity. Alex wasn't thrilled but didn't object.

It was only meant to be a three-month stint, so it was a no-brainer that I would go. Departure time arrived and Alex accompanied me to the airport along with my oversized luggage. At the Ljubljana airport, we used to have a beautiful statue of Venus with small breasts and a healthy butt. He said she reminded him of me. I will come to cuddle her when I’m missing you, he said. Alex was sweet and romantic, and I was sad to leave him behind.

But new adventures awaited.

His mother loved me, and had warned him not to let me go, but the poor man had no choice. I wasn’t going to be convinced otherwise. Years later he asked me if it would have made any difference if he had asked me not to go, and I replied, No. I would have gone anyway.

‘Only three months’ was not in the cards. I ended up going back and forth to London for about a year. After finally completing my lab work in London, my leaving-do was a lively party at a local pub, where I tried Cocaine for the first time, given to me by a lab colleague who thought I should finally try it. With my senses heightened, I was ready to have a fun night.

I returned home to Slovenia for good.

But, for no good reason, I found myself going back to London, the infamous 'one more time'.

I didn't need to go; I can't even recall why I went. Because I could. I suppose this time Alex should have argued with me and not allowed me to go ‘one more time’. I don't want to make excuses. I was young, confident, and cocky. The world was my oyster.

This is how the rest of my life begins.

I had vaguely known one of the students at King's, but never paid much attention to him. His name was Matthew. British, living in Wimbledon, he had black wavy hair, dark eyes, and a gap between his front teeth, I thought he seemed friendly and good-looking. He was three years younger than me, but way ahead of me academically. That was about it. We were sometimes out with the same crowd. I felt no vibes between us; I was only aware of his presence.

He worked in the basement, and I worked on the top floor. One of the first times I spoke to him was when a Slovenian TV crew was filming a feature on anorexia and bulimia, which was the topic of my PhD. They somehow found me in London and asked to interview me in our labs at King’s. I never minded attention, so I agreed.

Matthew’s office was next to our filming set in the basement. Matthew and I briefly chatted and joked about my new ‘celebrity status’ this documentary would bring