A Man's Greatest Challenge... ...Being a Father

By David Reedman

Out of the many experiences of my own life both personally and in working with large numbers of young people and their families, I have seen the increasing devastating effect that fatherlessness is having in our society. I am a father to me that is a great privilege and honour and I have walked out the journey of raising 3 children of my own, and I have also observed the challenges that many men face in being a father. To a large extent it was a combination of those 3 factors/experiences that challenged me to write a book on what I believe is a mans greatest challenge that of being a father.
In the book I firstly wanted to highlight briefly some of the consequences of fatherlessness in our society. Men need to know that the efforts that they make as fathers are important they are leaving a legacy in the lives of their children that will impact generations. And they need to know that the challenges that they face as they seek to father their children are not unique. As fathers we are all in the same fight; we are all walking out a very similar journey and I want to challenge men afresh to rise up and make a difference in their own homes and families and then in society.
The majority of the book is designed to pass on the things that I have learnt in my own journey as a father to the next generation of fathers. I firstly present what I believe are some of the fundamental requirements of being an effective father things such as love and time, and the power of the words that we speak. I then focus on six basic steps or principles that apply to becoming an effective father to your children. These six steps are both sequential, and yet they need to be continually applied to the many different areas of life time and time again you never outgrow them, rather they evolve as you and your children grow and mature. I then look at the importance of dealing with your children as individuals, and encourage men to see things in a long term perspective. Life at times does get messy and take unexpected detours, but with time we get to see the results that we all desire as men in the lives of our children. In all these areas I havent sought to give men a how to guide or a step by step method, rather where possible I have endeavoured to share examples from my own family to help explain the principles and to help men work out how to apply the truths to their own families.
The last thing that I touch on is to address some of the main challenges or obstacles that we as men confront as we seek to be an effective father. For each of these areas one could write an entire book on the subject, and the ways in which these obstacles work out in a mans life are as varied as men themselves. So all that I have done is to raise awareness of these issues and give some broad guidelines to help guide men through them.
As fathers we are all in the process of learning and growing. None of us have arrived, but we can all learn from one another and together we can make a positive change in our society for the benefit of the generations to come. Being a father is a mans greatest challenge, and it is hard work at times but it is worth it all.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Oct 23, 2015
• ISBN: 9781514441565

David Reedman

Married to Elaine for the past 40 years, David has three adult children and six grandchildren. For the past forty-fi ve years he has spent much of his time working with young people and their families. He is passionate about raising up and equipping a new generation of fathers to positively impact their generation, family and the world.

Book preview

Copyright © 2015 by David Reedman.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2015916733

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-5144-4154-1

               Softcover        978-1-5144-4155-8

               eBook             978-1-5144-4156-5

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Website

Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Website.

Rev. date: 10/20/2015

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CONTENTS

Foreword

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Ch 1 I Dare You To …

Ch 2 Welcome to the Journey

Ch 3 All You Need Is Love

Ch 4 How Is Love Spelt?

Ch 5 The Six Key Steps

Ch 6 It’s Only Words

Ch 7 Talk and Teaching

Ch 8 Training

Ch 9 Passing on the Baton

Ch 10 A Butterfly is ‘Born’

Ch 11 It All Takes Time

Ch 12 Help—They Are So Different

Ch 13 It Gets Messy at Times

Ch 14 Life’s Greatest Challenge—Me

Ch 15 Keep Learning

Ch 16 It’s Worth it All

Contact Details

Notes

About The Author

To my father, John Cole Reedman

Words will never be able to express how much I appreciate you or be able to thank you for what you have done, but maybe this email greeting that I sent to you on your eightieth birthday goes some way towards doing that.

This Is for You

This is for you, Dad, for the father I love,

For the one who has cared all these years

But has never heard enough about how I care.

So this is for you,

For the one who has helped me through

All my childhood fears and failures

And turned all that he could

Into successes and dreams.

For the man who is a wonderful example

Of what more men should be.

For the person whose devotion to his family

Is marked by gentle strength and guidance

And whose love of life, sense of direction,

And down-to-earth wisdom

Make more sense to me now

Than nearly any other thing I learned.

If you never knew how much I respect you,

I want you to know it now, Dad,

And if you never knew how much I admire you,

Let me just say that I think you’re the best father

That any child ever had.

This is an email filled with love,

And it’s all for you, Dad.

Foreword

H aving known David as a friend and a leader in the Christian community for over thirty-five years, I know that this book is a true reflection of his heart for fathering and mentoring.

Not only has he lived out these truths in his own life and with his family, but he also has a clear understanding of how to pass on these principles so that we can all learn from them and apply them in our lives.

A must-read for those who want to take fathering seriously.

Ps. Danny Guglielmucci

Acknowledgements

B efore I go any further, I want to thank some people for helping me put this book together. I first want to thank my wife, Elaine, not only for her love and support over the past thirty-three years as we have parented our children together but also for her work in reading and rereading the chapters of this book.

I also want to thank my three children—Kristen, Timothy, and Narelle—not only for their encouragement in actually getting this book written but also for all the years that we have had together and for all the opportunities I have had to be their father.

I would also like to thank Tim Acason, Bronte Enright, Ian Poalses, and Duncan Ferguson for their constructive comments and help in editing and proofreading this book. I would also like to thank Jason and Jevan Freedendal for their assistance with the photograph for the front cover.

I would also like to acknowledge the input of the large number of people (many of whom, I have forgotten their names) who over the years through their words, their books and their seminars they have helped to mould my ideas and practices as a father. Sometimes it has been just a comment (some of which I have quoted in this book) or their personal example that has helped me at a critical time to become an effective father.

Introduction

W hile I became a father for the first time on November 2, 1984, with the birth of our daughter Kristen, my journey of being a father began many years before that date. Being a father is not really dependent on a physical act—although for many, that is the start of their journey as a father. In reality, it has to do with a heart attitude or a mindset. In many ways, being a father is a lifestyle.

I had the privilege of growing up in a strong and loving home and family. Without a doubt, that laid the foundation for my life—a foundation that is often only fully appreciated and understood by any of us as the years go by. The principles that I learned and the life that was modelled before me gave me not only a pattern to live by but also the basics for being a father to my own children.

However, it is only in recent years that I have realised that my passion to become a great father and a model and inspiration to others was born out of two other experiences in my life. These same two experiences have also motivated me to do all I can to equip other men to become great dads and fathers, hence my reason for writing this book.

Unfortunately, for a period of two years in my early teens, I was sexually abused. While the pain and confusion caused by those events plagued me for many years, at the same time, they were birthing in me something that I have only fully realised in the past four to five years: a passion to make a difference. In addition to instilling in me a passion to be a great father, they birthed a passion in me to do all that I could to prevent others from going through the same experiences.

At the start of my working life, I was a secondary school teacher and also actively involved in youth work outside of the school environment. Over those years, I had the privilege of working with and learning from the lives of thousands of young people and hundreds of families. I had the opportunity to observe and learn. There were many things that I observed and at the same time determined within myself never to repeat or to allow those things to happen in my life or to my family. There were also some great things that I observed, things that I learned from and later incorporated into my actions as a father.

It was also over those years of being a teacher (from my early twenties onwards) that I began my journey of being a father. Sadly, many of the kids I taught in those first few years came from either broken homes or families or suffered some tragedies during the time that I was teaching them.

I can clearly remember an English family. They had only been in Australia for a short time, and in that time, I built something of a connection or friendship with them. They had three boys—three of the nicest kids I had ever met. Their grandmother was visiting them from England when suddenly one Sunday night their mother died as the result of an accident. Panicking, the father deserted the three boys overnight, and since they had no close friends in Australia, the grandmother, who was in ill health, contacted me at school and asked for my help. Over the next two years, with some help from the grandmother, I basically fathered those three boys. And they were only three of the many over the years for whom, in some way, I became a father figure.

In addition to these two experiences (my period of abuse and my years as a teacher), there have been a number of mentors who have impacted my life over the years. Many of them are totally unaware of the effect they have had on me. Some of them are people I have met or have heard speak personally. For others, it’s their books and other resources that I have read or watched. Yet all of these mentors’ words and actions stirred me on, and at times it’s been their failures that have inspired me. Just a word or a thought along the way has helped me in the decisions and choices I’ve made.

Together the experiences of my life and the mentors that I have encountered have helped me to become a great father. And it’s an ongoing journey. I have had the joy, the fun, the challenges, and sometimes the pain of raising three great children; and I now look forward to having input in the lives of my grandchildren.

Becoming a father is easy enough, but being one can be very rough.

—Wilhelm Busch

There are many pressures and challenges on men today. There are things to make life easier, yet seemingly there is more to be done. There are pressures on marriages and families so that often what is important takes second best. But to me there is nothing as important—there is no greater challenge for a man—than being a father.

I’d like to achieve many things in life; however, my greatest achievement will always be to be a great dad and a great father. If I can be a great father to my children and inspire others to be the same, I have achieved my goal. I have achieved my dream.

The greatest compliment that could be paid to me at my funeral from my kids would be that I was a great dad, a great father, and a great man. The greatest compliment that I could receive from others would be that I inspired them to become great fathers.

By profession I am a soldier and take pride in that fact, but I am prouder to be a father.

—General Douglas MacArthur

It’s the lessons that I have learned and practised that I want to share with you in this book to enable you to be a great father, someone who lays a great foundation for future generations (your kids and grandchildren) to then build upon.

As you read the pages that follow, I trust that you will be inspired, encouraged, and equipped in your journey as a father. May the generations that lie ahead be able to look back and thank you for taking up a man’s greatest challenge—that of being a father!

1

I Dare You To …

A lmost all of us at some stage in our lives have had these words spoken to us, often by a friend or an acquaintance. The scenario goes something like this: as a group, we faced a challenge; no one really wanted to do it, but in order to prove ourselves, someone said these words to you: I dare you to …—and off you went and did it.

Sadly, on many of those occasions (at least from my experience), things didn’t work out as we had expected. Many times we took up challenges that we shouldn’t have—but for boys, teenagers, and young men particularly, we seem to find these words almost impossible to resist.

There is something about a challenge that appeals to the heart of a man. Men and challenges seem to go together. We were made to fight, to reach higher, to achieve, and to push the limits. We were made for the challenge. Challenges bring out something in us that is a part of what it means to be a man.

On September 12, 1962, President John F. Kennedy, speaking at Rice University in Houston, Texas, outlined his goals for the United States space program—in particular his aim to put a man on the moon within the next ten years:

Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind, and its opportunity for peaceful cooperation may never come again. But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal? And they might well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, thirty-five years ago, fly the Atlantic? We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too.¹

His words were a challenge, a dare that was accepted by his nation. Those words set in motion what became known as the Apollo space program, and on July 20, 1969, that challenge was accomplished. Neil Armstrong stepped onto the surface of the moon with these words: That’s one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind. What had been seen by so many as impossible had been achieved.

We were made for challenges. While many of you have accomplished some challenges in areas such as a sport, career, education, and so on, they are not the greatest challenges you can ever attempt. The greatest challenge you and I as men will ever face is a challenge that right now is either being neglected, shunned, or avoided by many men, or it’s defeating many men all around the world; it’s the challenge of being a father.

Houston, We Have a Problem

These words, which were made famous by the movie Apollo 13 (it is actually a slight misquote), were spoken originally by the astronauts John Swigert and James Lovell on April 14, 1970, following an on-board incident that crippled the Apollo 13 spacecraft. A spark had occurred in an oxygen tank that then exploded, placing in jeopardy the lives of all three astronauts aboard the spacecraft. NASA was facing one of its biggest challenges in the Apollo program—how to get three men back to Earth safely. To achieve this goal, they would have to come up with strategies and techniques and make equipment that didn’t exist and that had never been tried before. They did, and all three astronauts returned safely to Earth.

We face a similar challenge today. When it comes to fathering, we face a major problem worldwide. Let’s survey the challenge. In Australia, nearly 40 per cent of children today live apart from their biological fathers. A further 40 per cent, despite sharing the same homes with their biological fathers, tell researchers that they don’t feel close to their dads. Father absence is crippling our society.

Author David Blankenhorn, speaking as a social scientist, said this:

Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of declining well-being in our society. It is also the engine driving our most urgent social problems, from crime to adolescent pregnancy, to child abuse and to domestic violence against women. Yet despite its scale and social consequences, fatherlessness is a problem that is frequently ignored or denied.²

The breakdown of the family is the number one threat our nation faces.

—President George Bush

The impact of father absence is immense. The following is a sample of what a range of sources from the United States have said about the risks faced by fatherless children. While these statistics³ are now several years old, the problem has only worsened since then.

• 63 per cent of teen suicides come from fatherless homes. That’s five times the national average. (Source: US Department of Justice)

• 80 per cent of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes. That’s fourteen times the national average. (Source: Justice and Behaviour)

• 85 per cent of children with behavioural problems come from fatherless homes. That’s twenty times the national average. (Source: Centers for Disease Control)

• 71 per cent of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. That’s nine times the national average. (Source: National Principals Association Report)

• 75 per cent of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centres come from fatherless homes. That’s ten times the national average. (Source: Rainbows for All God’s Children)

• 85 per cent of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. That’s twenty times the national average. (Source: US Department of Justice)

Even in the early 1990s, a number of studies conducted in the United States by different researchers showed the following:

Young