You’re Not the Only One F*cking Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes

By Lane Moore

Dating in a modern world can be, shall we say, challenging. Between deciphering mixed messages about what is — or isn’t — a red flag, or finding potential romantic prospects that turn out to be all-around disappointing, it’s easy to get dating and relationship fatigue. Throw in the relentless cultural pressure to find the right person before it’s “too late,” and it becomes a high-stakes nightmare. No wonder so many of us feel like we’re messing it up and can’t seem to trust our own instincts.

Bestselling author and comedian Lane Moore, whose hugely popular Tinder Live with Lane Moore shows have earned widespread acclaim, is no stranger to what she calls the “endless cycle of mistakes” that we find ourselves making in the quest for love. In You’re Not the Only One F*cking Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes, Moore explores the trials and tribulations of real people who have been through the struggle of navigating the dating pool yet still surfaced to the top. Drawing from a diverse range of perspectives and experiences, their firsthand stories paint a comprehensive picture of the pitfalls that come with modern dating. She also shares moments from her own personal battles with this cycle, while reassuring the reader how each of these mistakes made over… and over… ultimately can lead us back to trusting what works for our own selves. Moore breaks down everything from missed warning signs to mistaking “potential” for love, while using her signature empathy and humor to offer actionable insight on how to grow through the all-too-frequent errors we tend to (unintentionally) make.

Going beyond dating advice, You’re Not the Only One F*cking Up is a testament to the universality of the human inclination to screw up, and a call to prioritize the love and trust we have in ourselves despite living in a societal culture that aims to tell us there’s only one right way to establish romantic relationships. Whether you’re currently seeking — or in — a relationship, if you’re an expert on the digital dating landscape, or even if you’ve been out of the dating scene for years, there’s plenty to relate to — and learn from — in this Everand Original audiobook and ebook from Lane Moore.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Everand Originals
• Release date: Jan 17, 2024
• ISBN: 9781094455570

Lane Moore

Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, writer, actor, and musician. The New York Times called her comedy show Tinder Live “ingenious.” Her comedy and her band, It Was Romance, have been praised everywhere from Pitchfork to Vogue, and her writing has appeared everywhere from The New Yorker to The Onion. She is the former sex and relationships editor at Cosmopolitan, where she received a GLAAD Award for her groundbreaking work expanding the magazine’s queer coverage. She lives in Brooklyn with her dog-child, Lights. You can follow Lane at @HelloLaneMoore on Instagram and Twitter or visit LaneMoore.org.

Book preview

Introduction

You know how in romantic comedies, the meet-cute nearly always occurs at a quaint grocery store, or on the street, or in the office? (Because can you imagine if it was that easy? You just go into work and your soulmate is chilling in the break room?) Or it happens while someone is standing at a busy city intersection in a beautiful dress and oops, she drops a stack of papers when some hot stranger who is exactly her type suddenly appears and helps her pick them up? And each one somehow knows, just knows, that this is their person and that’s that? They never have to swipe through a dating app forty times a day for weeks, months, maybe even years, in an effort to find someone they’re mutually attracted to who isn’t just swiping right on every profile without looking, as some chilling form of self-gratification. (No, that is never shown in romantic comedies.) And you only realize they’ve been mindlessly swiping right on everyone when you: 1) fail to get a message, or 2) when the response to your very witty message reads: Hi, how was your weekend?

From there, are you done communicating with them in the app? Oh no, you are not. Instead, you may find yourself tasked with trying to figure out if they have brain cells and how many, and if they’re compatible with the brain cells you have. Because what if?! You’re also trying to figure out if you can tolerate this person long enough to have a few drinks with them without getting bored and fully dissociating from the moment (like focusing on what you’re making for dinner later that night or staring awkwardly at your phone because social media is somehow better than what they’re saying about politics). This is not shown in movies or on TV; it’s not the ideal meet-cute and we all know it, and the writers of the shows and movies you’re watching know it. So they spare us the chore of watching it though they sadly cannot spare us from living it.

But if we don’t do this romcom dressing-room-try-on dance, how else are we to randomly run into someone wonderful since, if our lives are their own little movies (weird as they may often be), we won’t always know when our meet-cute is coming? We don’t know which point we’re at in our own little movie; even if we do have an ideal meet-cute, we still don’t know if this will be our person, or if they’ll be another disappointment that started off so freaking promising… but alas, not this time. It was not meant to be. Like so many not-meant-to-bes that came before it.

We’re told by friends (who usually aren’t on dating apps themselves), and by culture, and by society – pretty much everywhere we look – that we can’t just stay still, that we have to get out there and put in the work. Since we cannot manufacture meet-cutes, where does that leave us? Constantly hunting like it’s our job, that’s where. Wow, how romantic. How fun. How much does it pay? It pays $0? No benefits? I’m good, thanks. Actually, résumé rescinded.

Dating truly can feel like a low-key gambling addiction: You don’t eat or sleep, you drink caffeine, and you stay up all night because you’re always playing to win. Don’t stop rolling the dice, because something better is coming. Why settle for a solid $7K win when you can roll again for $15K? And why grab brunch with friends when you could be winning right now by swiping until you meet the plus-one you can introduce to your friends at next month’s brunch? Then and only then will you have done life right and/or be happy.

In this book, I’ll explore the pattern that we’re all (especially women) thrust into at a young age: the pressure to find your best possible soulmate, but even more than that, how that pressure causes people to fall into a cycle of unknowingly repeating the same mistakes.

Have you ever had a friend say any of these to you?

Go to this party, your soulmate might be at it!

Put makeup on when you pick up groceries, just in case you meet your soulmate!

Sign up for this dating app, because what if it’s the month your soulmate joins?!

Change your dating profile photos. What if they send the wrong impression and turn off your soulmate?

Dating – including the search for dates – is exhausting. For many people, even the act of constantly putting themselves out there to either be judged, or chosen, or hurt, or rejected, can be more exhausting than the dates themselves. It’s a toxic cycle of sifting through people – to see