Son of a Pun

By Ninad Jog

If your insight serves to incite, will anyone want to see it in sight? If you place a pen on a sill, will it turn into a pencil? If you have little left to write, should you write it from left to right? Such are the probing questions that lurk between the covers of this delightful, irreverent collection.  

Teeming with puns, idioms, homonyms, and their ilk, the hundreds of entries in Son of a Pun will take you on a whirlwind tour of English as it could be spoken. This tenacious strand of wordplay is an unapologetic embrace of the ridiculous—and might leave you wondering whether the author’s way with words implies waywardness... 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Sep 26, 2023
• ISBN: 9781977268945

Ninad Jog

Ninad Jog was born in Mumbai, India, and moved to the United States in his early twenties. A former columnist for Trikone magazine, he has authored several books, including memoirs, collections of wordplay, and a work of fiction. Ninad resides in the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area and works in the field of information technology. 

Book preview

Also by Ninad Jog

Fiction

The Tiny World of Vinod Saney

Nonfiction

Ninny’s Natter

Ninny Me

Ninny on the Move

Son of a Pun

Witticisms and Wordplay

All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2023 Ninad Jog

v2.0

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PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

To

Devesh Khatu and Spence Abrams

Two of the biggest fans of wordplay

Contents

Introduction

Part I. Quirky Questions

1. Pregnant With Meaning

2. Spirited Debates

3. Novel Tea

4. Witness Tampering

5. Fare Enough

6. Dressed to the Nines

Part II. Pining for Answers

7. Aphorisms

8. Overheard

9. Say What?

10. He Said, She Said

11. Questions Answered

12. Piece of Pi

13. People, People

14. Going Places

15. Branding Time

16. After the Amble

Introduction

There can come a time in a person’s life when he is no longer interested in seeking answers but contents himself simply by asking questions—questions for which there’s little hope of getting honest answers.

But what sort of questions should he ask?

Fortunately, the English language comes to the rescue. In a tongue where nouns can be gleefully verbed, where words often have multiple meanings and idioms abound a dime a dozen, this quest can be a piece of cake. It doesn’t hurt that English is also surprisingly tolerant of malapropisms, mercifully forgiving of mixed metaphors and wholeheartedly welcoming of good puns. Because there’s no such thing as a bad pun, as I’m sure you’ll doubtless agree.

The first part of this book is replete with such questions.

But what about the answers? Can they not be provided on the rare occasions when he stumbles upon them? Can he not quote dialogues and dutifully report what he has overheard, even if the conversations have occurred only in the deepest recesses of his mind? Can he not poke fun at people’s names? At the names of places and objects and brand names? To paraphrase politicians, the answer is a resounding Yes, he can!

Such are the constructs that populate the second part of this book. But the questions continue to linger in the background, loath as they are to call it quits.

If an entry stumps you, it could be because it’s in British English. Or American English. Or English from a couple of hundred years ago. Or Indian English, in which things can occur parallely and events can get not only postponed but also preponed. No attempt has been made to cloister entries from different dialects into their own safe spaces; instead they have been integrated in a single giant hodgepodge.

Whether the questions and the answers are profound or frivolous is anyone’s guess. What holds them together is a tenacious strand of wordplay, an unapologetic embrace of the ridiculous. Deep meanings be darned.

Part I

Quirky Questions

1

Pregnant With Meaning

If your insight serves to incite, will others be wary of seeing it anywhere in sight?

If you peer less, does it mean you’re peerless?

If you play it right, do you think you can become a playwright?

When your son rose, did he think of the sun or did he think of a rose?

If you see four bears, should you show them some forbearance?

If a cook gets caught in a storm, does it mean they’ll not be able to cook up a storm?

If the prospect of giving a present makes you tense, should you talk about it in the present tense?

If you’d like to see something real, should you look at cereal?

If you start shaking after having milk, does it mean you’ve had a milkshake?

If you con an artist, does it mean you’re a con artist?

If a fool starts suffering, should he stop suffering fools?

If you start sweating when you see bullets, does it mean you’re sweating bullets?

If you write a treatise on cannons, do you think it’ll add to the canon?

If you keep looking for a bear that eats fruit, do you think your efforts will bear fruit?

If a thief steals pets, does it mean he’s a petty thief?

If you stalk a king, does it mean you’re stalking?

If a party is looking for a warm house, should you send them to a housewarming party?

If you have to book a cook, should you first make sure that he hasn’t cooked the books?

If you have sex with a pan, does it mean you’re pansexual?

If you rein in your parade, does it mean you’re raining on your own parade?

If you cook something in a well, will it end up being well-cooked?

If you think beggars are difficult to describe, does it mean they beggar description?

If you’re on a roll during spring, does it mean you’re having spring rolls?

If you’re pressured to eat a pear, does it mean you’re subject to pear pressure?

If you’re wet behind the ears, should you first get your feet wet?

If you complain about the cold at a beach, does it mean you’re being a cold bitch?

If you have to give a talk on tendons and ligaments, do you think you’ll have the nerve?

If you like to goof around with balls, does it mean you’re a goofball?

In the color gray if you write the letter V, should you top it off with some gravy?

To meet your ex in a tent, will you go to any extent?

If you have to speak about spokes, should you first look at a spoke before you speak?

If a bridge falls into the water, will it soon be water under the bridge?

If the sight of a vulture shocks you, does it mean you have vulture shock?

If it takes you a decade to make a dent, does it mean you’re decadent?

If you keep drawing lines on the side, will you be forever relegated to the sidelines?

If you’re all for giving, does it mean you’re also all-forgiving?

If you tell your relatives to come quickly, do you think they’ll come relatively quickly?

If your son keeps buying guns, does it mean he’s a son of a gun?

If you trade at a fair, do you think your trade will automatically be fair?

If your sandals are made of wood, does it mean they are made of sandalwood?

If you’re frank about the incense you use, does it mean you use frankincense?

If you have to write a few points about bullets, should you write them as bullet points?

If you see a