Dew Diligence: Wisecracks, Witticisms and Wordplay

By Ninad Jog

If your survival depends on having steaks, will your very survival be at stake? If you’re in a cozy bar when you start feeling tender, should you cozy up to the bartender? If you have to study the dew with diligence, should you study it with dew diligence? If you meet a wise nun and the wisest nun, will you still be none the wiser?

Puns and double entendres such as these emerge when you mercilessly mingle idioms with homonyms and their kin, and play around with their literal meanings. As a sequel to Son of a Pun, the hundreds of such entries in Dew Diligence are just as lively, just as exuberant. You will think that as long as the author does not abandon puns, he will continue to pun with abandon.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Jan 27, 2024
• ISBN: 9781977272065

Ninad Jog

Ninad Jog was born in Mumbai, India, and moved to the United States in his early twenties. A former columnist for Trikone magazine, he has authored several books, including memoirs, collections of wordplay, and a work of fiction. Ninad resides in the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area and works in the field of information technology. 

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Part I

Quirky Questions

1

Spy Device

If you make a statement about sweeping, will it be a sweeping statement?

If you point to a hammer in your home, does it mean you’re trying to hammer a point home?

If you have to give a demo that’s quite graphic, should you keep in mind the demographic?

If you’d like to add a hawk to your collection of birds, should you do so in a manner that’s ad hoc?

If you go to court over a disaster, does it mean you could court disaster?

If you’d like to play with a safe, should you play it safe?

If a ho hums, will you think of it as ho-hum?

If you steel yourself for a show, could you end up stealing the show?

If you watch what you say at a party, can you say it’s a watch party?

If you trail your opponent’s campaign, does it mean your opponent doesn’t have to be on the campaign trail?

If you donate a real magnet to your estate, will you become a real estate magnate?

When you finish biting your nails, will you realize it was a nail-biting finish?

If you’d like to house a wife, should you first make sure she’s a housewife?

If you’d like to crow about a bar, should you do so about a crowbar?

When you thought about a fool, did you become thoughtful?

If a general runs away from an election, does it mean he’s afraid of the general election?

If you’d like to capitalize on an opportunity, should you write about it in uppercase?

If you cry over seas, does it mean you’ll also cry when you’re overseas?

If you’d like to tell others that you saw a parrot, should you just parrot it out?

If you spy a device, does it mean it’s a spy device?

If you start constructing stalls, what should you do if the construction stalls?

If you don’t have the heart to beat someone before you skip, will it cause your heart to skip a beat?

If you’d like to track someone while you train them, should you do it on the train tracks?

If you know a lot about parking, does it mean you also know about parking lots?

If you have trouble when you shoot, is it something you should troubleshoot?

If you rein in every pore, will the rain no longer pour?

If your shadow falls on a bank, will it turn into a shadow bank?

In a hall if you place coals, could you get hauled over the coals?

If you don’t have the nerves to give someone a case, does it mean you have a case of the nerves?

On a particular day if you trip, does it mean on that day you made a day trip?

If you long to be back, should you have returned long back?

If you have the time to say no, should you say it in no time?

If there’s a bear with you, will others have to bear with you?

If you make a career out of writing stories, will you have a storied career?

Even if your tweets don’t go viral, do they at least go bacterial or fungal?

If the very sight of an engine causes you to run out of steam, does it mean it’s a steam engine?

If you keep counting something every minute, does it mean you’re trying to make every minute count?

If you aren’t able to engineer a solution, should you just try to doctor it?

When you bet upon the fates of your hedges, were you fated to hedge your bets?

If a mountain reminds you of an earring, should you go mountaineering?

If you’d like to shop for a person, should you shop in person?

If an intellectual ferments something, will it lead to intellectual ferment?

If you’re cross that the traffic doesn’t stop, is it because the cross traffic doesn’t stop?

If you’d like to free Will, should you do so of your own free will?

If you think fish are worth their weight in gold, does it mean you’re a goldfish?

If you’d like to practice the art of the state, should the tools you use be state of the art?

If you’d like to pad your thigh, should you first have Pad Thai?

If you long to sleep like a log, should you sleep on a long log?

If you roll while you play, does it mean you’re into role play?

If your license is anything but prosaic, does it mean you’ve granted yourself a poetic license?

If you hope a nurse will become fond of you, should you nurse the fond hope?

If you’d like something to last long, will you be pleased when it does at long last?

If there are movements deep down in the bowels of the earth, will they remind down-to-earth people of their own bowel movements?

If you sense that there’s a gathering, does it mean there’s a gathering sense?

If there’s danger in going to court, should you court such danger?

If you fish only when it’s cold, does it mean you’re a cold fish?

If you make light of reality, does it mean you have no dark fantasies?

The moment before you seize something, should you seize the moment?

If you’re told that a rattle has nerves, will it rattle your nerves?

Whenever you’ve been on the ground, have you felt like having ground beans?

If you’re looking for a dozen dimes, will you find them a dime a dozen?

When he said he would brew, did he say it in Hebrew?

If you fall for colors, does it mean you like fall colors?

If you keep talking about missiles, will people around you go ballistic?

If you get edgy upon losing something, does it mean you’re losing your edge?

If a bottom has to scrape a barrel, should he scrape the bottom of the barrel?

If you’d like to pick up a single file, should you line up for it in single file?

If you place carrots on a big fan, does it mean you’re a big fan of carrots?

If you see a leg, what exactly will be your leg-a-see?

If you get ticked off by boxes, does it mean you shouldn’t tick all boxes?

If you’re a proponent of vocals, does it mean you’re one of its most vocal proponents?

If you’d like to subject a corporal to punishment, should you subject him to corporal punishment?

If you’d like to push someone before you pin them, does it mean all you need is a pushpin?

If a short person gets cited, will you think the person is shortsighted?

If you’re open to having heart surgery, does it mean you’ll have open-heart surgery?

If you’d like to pump up your kin, should you offer them a pumpkin?

If you feel a cup of tea, will you be rewarded for your fealty?

If you’d like to light up a shaft, should you do so with a shaft of light?

If you long for adventure, could you end up having a long adventure?

If you type something about a stereo, could it end up becoming a stereotype?

If you’re short on something, will you long for it?

When you came to the conclusion that the four of them were gone, was it a conclusion that was foregone?

If you sing a song about a swan, will it be your swan song?

If you’d like to find evidence about solids on the ground, should your efforts be grounded in solid evidence?

If it’s difficult to find a fiend, does it mean it’s fiendishly difficult?

If a shrink talks about your bed, will it cause you to shrink into your bed?

When you thought of a train, did it blend in with your train of thought?

If you have to draw a pear, should you first wear a pair of drawers?

When you refused to take a bag, was it because it was a refuse bag?

If an artist wants to draw blinds, should she first draw the blinds?

If you’re out to put your stamp on something, could you end up stamping it out?

If you say that you’d like to wash a hog, will others think of it as hogwash?

Since someone who paints is a painter, does it mean someone who draws is a drawer?

If you don’t have the heart to be patient, does it mean you’re not a heart patient?

If a small pig is a piglet, does it mean a small wall is a wallet and a small ball is a ballet?

If you have assumptions about smashing, do you think those assumptions could ever get smashed?

If you’re a fan of flames, what should you do to fan the flames?

When you got a bad rap for giving a gift, was it because it had a bad gift wrap?

If you cheer up a fool, will he feel cheerful?

If you think going somewhere is easy, does it mean you’re easygoing?

If you teem with leads, will you have little use for team leads?

If you’re told about the long end of a boat, will you think of it as a ferry tail?

If you don’t have the heart to pour something out, does it mean you’ll never pour your heart out?

If you don’t want to get a hairdo, should you just get a hair-don’t?

If you don’t have the heart to beat someone, does it mean you won’t do it in a heartbeat?

If you pee in someone’s tea, for that person, will anyone feel pity?

If you find someone’s charm to be offensive, does it mean you won’t go on a charm offensive?

If you record something during a break, will it break a record?

If you don’t