Spare Me 'The Talk'!: A growing up safe and smart guide for girl-identified people and their parents

By Jo Langford, M.A.

From puberty to personal safety, from media to flirting, from building communication skills to developing unplugging muscles, from safer sex to digital citizenship, from asking someone out to coming out – Spare Me 'The Talk'! is the first of its kind: an unflinching, comprehensive guide for girl-identified people (aged 12-22) written by a guy.

Jo Langford is a dad and a master's-level therapist who has been working with teens and their grown-ups for over two decades. Specializing in that intersection of adolescence, sexuality and technology, Jo offers a powerful supplement to those The Talks - providing answers to questions that every teenager has, but may not want to ask. Parents and other supportive adults who are motivated to educate both themselves and the young people they care about will also benefit from this book.

With expanded information, a section devoted specifically to parents and over 50 special notes about hygiene, dating violence, social media, LARC, gaming as a girl and dozens of other topics.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 31, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350906899

Book preview

Chapter 2

Puberty

Puberty is the process that signals the start of adolescence, when your child body begins to change into your adult body. The timing, intensity, and duration of puberty is affected by genetics (your body shape and size, and your family history) and environment (nutrition, exercise, stress level, etc.). Everyone matures at his or her own pace, but ultimately, we all end up in the same general place.

Both male and female bodies will begin to take on a different shape during puberty, and each will develop stronger sexual characteristics. This happens at a fairly rapid pace, bringing with it new thoughts and feelings, as physical, emotional, and hormonal changes occur simultaneously. These changes do not take place on a strict or predictable timeline, which is one of the things that can make this time difficult for kids, the entire process can take anywhere from one to six years. Puberty in females usually begins between the ages of eight and thirteen, for males, it’s usually between the ages of nine and fourteen.8 Like the process itself, the age at which puberty starts can be different for everyone. This is not a big deal. We all end up in our adult bodies eventually.

When the body is going through puberty, the brain releases chemicals called hormones, which are responsible for all of the physical changes. These brain hormones stimulate ovaries to produce hormones called estrogen and progesterone, and testicles to produce testosterone. During puberty, growth hormones are also stimulated and make the body grow larger. This can last for two or three years.

Arms and legs get longer, and internal body organs get larger, and our overall body shape also changes. Some people’s bodies become curvier during this time, gaining weight on their hips and experiencing an increase in overall body fat. People – particularly girl-identified people can also experience their first menstrual period. In females, breast development usually begins between the ages of ten and twelve, but again there is a lot of variation, just as their size and shape will vary when they are fully grown. In fact, many people’s breasts are not symmetrical, and the left one may be just a tiny bit different than the right. As bodies mature sexually, some people start having erotic dreams, and if they have a vagina, it can become lubricated when they are aroused.

People often experience broader shoulders, stronger muscles, and darker, more developed genitals as well as pubic hair. For people with penises, they generally begin producing semen between the ages of twelve and sixteen.9 Spontaneous erections will start to occur, and possibly nocturnal emissions of sperm known as wet dreams (see Chapter 7).

Another early sign of puberty is hair growth. Hair grows under arms, on legs, and around genitals. People – particularly boy-identified people can begin to grow hair on their faces and chests, and it might show up in a couple of other random places as well. As puberty progresses, it will become thicker, darker, and heavier.

A special note about pubic hair:

The hair on and around your genitals is called pubic hair. It’s kind of important. Pubic hair provides a cushion of protection against the friction that occurs during sexual activity, and it also protects you against certain bacteria. Pubic hair also holds scents that can be very sexually arousing to others.

Like the hair on their heads, people do different things with the hair under their belts. This includes everything from slightly trimming the hair to completing shaving it off with a razor blade — or just letting it do whatever it wants to do. Because there is very little pubic hair these days in mainstream pornography, some people feel weird about some of those options, and think they need to shave their pubic hair completely off. This is simply not true.

Blade-shaving your pubic hair can irritate the skin and leave microscopic open wounds. In a warm environment (such as your pants), these wounds make an excellent culture for infections such as MRSA (a type of staph bacteria) and can increase your vulnerability to herpes and other STI’s. Blade-shaving can also sting and will make you itch like crazy unless you continue shaving. If you absolutely MUST trim your pubic hair (or are simply curious), I suggest that you limit it to trimming the hedges a bit, and resist the urge to put a razor blade anywhere near your genitals.

The More Unfortunate Parts of Puberty

Acne is caused by the hormones produced during puberty. These are minor infections, also called pimples or zits, and are caused when skin pores become clogged with dirt and oils.

The simplest way to keep your pores clean is to wash your skin regularly and thoroughly with a cleansing product. Soaps can dry out your skin and cause it to produce more oils. Gels, creams, or lotions containing benzoyl peroxide, azelaic acid, or a topical antibiotic may also be applied directly to the skin. If you’re concerned about your acne, it is worth visiting your doctor or a dermatologist for an expert opinion (and possibly, a prescription). But you may see improvement just by splashing clean water on your face a few times a day and drying off with a clean towel.

Additional tips for preventing or improving acne:

Body odor or BO is created when bacteria and sweat in certain body areas — specifically underarms, hair and feet — become fragrant. BO is normal for everyone — it’s part of what makes us unique and attractive to others — but it can be more intense for teens. In adolescence, hormones can make your natural (and usually pleasant) fragrances run amok. There’s no need to cover up your BO with chemicals and perfumes, though it’s important to be aware of how your smell impacts the other people you share the planet with. Whether you choose to let your fragrances run wild or move through the world in a cloud of body spray is up to you. Showering and carrying deodorant with you can help you maintain the amount of scent you want to share with others.

A special note about BO:

There are going to be times when you cannot smell yourself. There are biological reasons for this, dating back to when we were cave people and needed to smell predators coming without being distracted by our own funk. Even though we have evolved in a lot of ways, our bodies still go through periods when we can’t smell ourselves. This is why your parents sometimes make that face when they open your bedroom door.

We’re no longer cave people, and we don’t need to smell like them. Everyone between ages eleven and twenty-one should be carrying an extra emergency deodorant in their backpack.

Besides BO and acne, puberty and it’s hormones can also bring with it other unfortunate effects including depression, mood swings and energy fluctuations, risk-taking, substance abuse, school problems, and stress. If you are experiencing any of these, don’t hesitate to reach out for help, from a parent, your doctor, or a school nurse or counselor.

Chapter 3

Body Issues and Body Image

Body Issues

Menstruation is the shedding of the blood and membrane that would have formed the nourishing home in the uterus for an embryo to grow into a fetus. Once you begin menstruation, each month that you do not get pregnant, the unused lining is sloughed off in the form of a bloody discharge. Menstruation (also called a period) is considered the beginning of the menstrual cycle. Periods are only part of a fairly-complex, physical and emotional cycle that happens every month for almost everyone with a uterus, between puberty and when menstruation stops at around age fifty (called menopause).

The word period is one of many nicknames for menstruation. Some terms can imply shame or embarrassment, and some are code words that families have adopted to help with conversations. Here’s a list of menstruation euphemisms that women-identified people have shared with me, which can help bring a little humor and empowerment to a process that (though it can help you feel grown up and connected to your body) can sometimes leave you feeling unsettled, awkward, and out of control.

Aunt Flo

The bleedies

Code red

Cousin from the south

The dot

Girly flu

Leak week

Little visitor

Monthlies

On the dot (or on the rag)

Red week

Special time

Surfing the crimson wave

That time of the month

Wetting the rag

Regardless of any teasing that may come from other people, there is zero shame in the fact that you have a vagina, zero shame that you have hormones and body parts that make you the person you are, and zero shame that your period is evidence of that. Be proud of yourself. Own it and call it whatever you want.

Your cycle, period, or whatever you decide to call it, is the time between the start of one bleeding period and the start of the next bleeding period. These cycles typically last twenty-eight days, but can vary from person to person. In fact, for the first handful of years a person’s cycle can be quite flexible ranging anywhere from three-ish to six-ish weeks.

The actual menstrual phase (when the blood comes) can last from two days to about a week, depending on the person. The discharge (or flow) can be light or heavy, can stop and start, and the thickness and color can change as well. It is more than just blood, there’s other stuff, too, like unneeded or unused tissue and other fluids.

Ovulation (the release of an egg from the ovaries) occurs around day fourteen of the cycle. This is called the proliferative phase, when hormones trigger the release of an egg, which then begins to make its way toward the uterus. The egg moves down one of the fallopian tubes and reaches the uterus two to three days later.

People with uteruses are typically most fertile (most likely to get pregnant) between day ten and day eighteen of your menstrual cycle, when the lining of the uterus starts to thicken to prepare for any fertilized eggs that may happen along. This is the secretory (or luteal) phase, which gets the uterus ready for the egg (should it happen to be fertilized by the sperm it’s looking for). The entire ecosystem of a uterus shifts to accommodate a fertilized egg that might arrive, so it can implant on the wall of the uterus and start growing a baby.

If there is no fertilized egg, the uterus cleans house: The thickened lining of endometrium the uterus created to nourish the embryo gets flushed out (this is the actual period substance itself), and another cycle begins.

Typically, first periods occur around age twelve or thirteen. However, some people can begin having periods as young as eight years old, and others may not start until they’re sixteen.10 Most first periods are a surprise and can show up at any time. Once menstruation begins, it continues until menopause occurs (around the age of fifty), when a woman’s monthly menstrual cycle changes and eventually ends.

Accidents happen on occasion. Having a change of clothes in your locker, desk, or the trunk of your car can be a good idea. Stains can be a bummer but are not a big deal. Typically, a mix of cold water and soap will take care of them, though for more stubborn stains, mixing in a bit of hydrogen peroxide, salt, or baking soda should do the trick.

Despite the presence of blood, there is no actual wound, although many people experience muscle pain, cramping, and discomfort during their periods. This can often be worse during adolescence. And period blood does not just flow freely out of someone as it would with an actual wound, either. People can discharge between 4 and 12 tablespoons each cycle11, spread out over two to seven days during each cycle.

Myths and misunderstandings about menstruation abound. Regardless of what you’ve heard, these are the facts:

Not all women have periods.

Some men have periods too (if you have a uterus, you can have a period).

Periods are the start of puberty (most people begin noticing other changes before their first period).

People can have sex during a period (though some people choose not to).

People can get pregnant during your periods. Use contraception.

Periods typically last only a few days, but sperm can survive for as long as five days.

Missing a period does not necessarily mean someone is pregnant, stress, illness, and changes in weight and nutrition can all impact menstruation.

Sharks and bears will not attack someone just because they are menstruating.

People cannot control the flow of their period (or hold it in) with will power or physical effort (like you can with urine).

Some people have cycles that are regular — always roughly the same length, about the same flow — and some do not. Either way, it can be helpful to keep track of your cycle, using a calendar or an app. Tracking your cycle can help you

prepare for the physical and emotional effects that come with your period,

track your fertility, knowing which days of the month you are most (or least) likely to get pregnant,

notice any changes or issues that may require a doctors’ visit,

notice any missed or late periods as soon as possible,

get early warning — which can be important if you are one of those people whose periods can be particularly difficult, and may require extra rest and self-care, or avoidance of certain things (or people!)

Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and premenstrual tension (PMT) include a range of symptoms that happen during the time between ovulation and menstruation. Most woman-identified people (approximately 85%12) experience some symptoms of PMS/PMT. These symptoms are usually predictable and most often occur in the days just before a period.

The most common symptoms include

Things that can help:

Comfy clothing. A go-to uniform can be both comfortable and comforting.

Mind your cravings. Sugar, salt, and caffeine (although they can sound like a great idea in the moment) can exacerbate some PMS/PMT symptoms, making symptoms such as fatigue, bloating, and headaches worse. Try to eat them sparingly, or better yet, stick to protein and fresh fruits and