Breaking the Cycle: A Fresh Look

By Peter Banning

This book presents a fresh look at stopping the cycle of child molestation by attacking the source, the child molester, instead of trying to deal with the end product of abuse, the victim/survivor.

The book is broken into two parts. Chapters 1 through 4 address the issues of the child molestor and what can be done to stop the molestor's cycle of abusing children. Chapters 5 through 8 are to help those who are dealing with either the offender or the survivor of the child sexual abuse. Parents of sexually abused children may find the answers they are seeking. Spouses of offenders may come to understand a part of their offending spouse that has been a dark mystery.

Various victims of sexual abuse should find this book of interest. It deals with the offenders of sexual abuse and what can and should be done to stop them. This is done by exposing the faulty logic used by offenders. It attacks their basic personality, life style, and erroneous thought processes. There is no attempt to justify the behavior of the child offender.

There is no softening of the effect of the abusers' past behavior. It exposes the make-up of the offender and suggests a path of recovery from this dysfunctional behavior. This approach opens a door long closed to look beyond the therapeutic treatment of child molesters to reveal what works and what does not and why. The hope is to develop answers for the generic question many victims ask - "WHY?", as well as answer the specific question - "WHY ME?"

Although a lot of research has been done on this subject, this book is not one of theory but of experiences. It relates to the therapeutic experience with examples. This should not be considered a 'How-to' book but more a guide for those wanting to recover. This book also addresses the concerns of those close to the offender.

If you have been thrown into having to deal with child sexual abuse, you will find answers to many of your questions. What you can or should expect from the legal system, from therapy, from social welfare department is discussed. It addresses such questions as "Why didn't I see it?" or "How could they!?!" in a light seldom revealed.

Some questions as "Will I ever be 'normal'?" or "Will anyone ever be able to love me for who I really am?" are on the minds of offenders and victims. Some of these answers lie within this book.

A very fundamental area facing the issue and treatment of sexual abuse is gender. Historically, the male is the stereotypical abuser and the female is the stereotypical victim. This is one of the many myths of childhood sexual abuse. Female child molestors make up almost 40% of the child molesting population. For every two girls sexually abused slightly more than one boy is abused. While the book was written with stereotypical male offender in mind, it can be used by female child molestors and male victims.

This book tries to address the gender problem by avoiding gender terms unless appropriate. Avoiding gender terms is not possible without some redefinition of the use of pronouns. The only non-gender singular possessive pronoun is its. This is also a non-human possessive term and inappropriate in describing the issues of already wounded individuals.

The non-gender pronouns used throughout this book are they, them, their which are normally used as plural forms. In this book, these terms are used as non-gender singular as well as non-gender plural forms. While this is not proper usage, the narrative is easier to read than if the alternate forms of s/he or he/she or his/hers were used. There is no easy solution to this problem.

Examples and experiences used to demonstrate a point may be a composite of experiences from various victims and offenders. The names used have been changed unless permission was granted otherwise. Gender terms used in the examples are correct.

Abstr

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Sep 1, 2000
• ISBN: 9781469111278

Peter Banning

The author relates to the offender on their level because he knows the shame of being a child molester. He fondled a variety of children until his molesting behaviors were revealed at the age of 39. The author, also a victim of child sexual abuse, was sexually abused by a male orderly and a female family friend prior to kindergarten. He was molested by various female baby sitters prior to junior high. The author, after 3 years of therapy, is now back with his family. He was charged with sexual molestation. He has a criminal record as a child molester. He was given a one year sentence, reduced to probation for good behavior. He is presently involved locally with SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). He has also attended ACSD (Adult Children of Sexual Dysfunction) and SIA (Survivors of Incest Anonymous)for a time.

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Copyright © 2000 by Peter Banning.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any

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or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing

from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

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Contents

CHAPTER 1

Discovery

CHAPTER 2

Early Recovery

CHAPTER 3

Recovery Progress

CHAPTER 4

Completing Recovery

CHAPTER 5

Myths

CHAPTER 6

Incest

CHAPTER 7

Victim/Survivor

CHAPTER 8

Stories

To my wife, my children, and my grandchildren.

To my victims and my abusers.

To all offenders and victims of childhood sexual abuse.

To Polly Klaas’s father and to Mic Hunter.

CHAPTER 1

Discovery

Allegations of child sexual abuse

Initial Shock

Denial & Rationalization

Legal Considerations

Therapeutic Considerations

Other resources

So you have finally been caught. Your victim or a friend of your victim has reported something to the authorities. You are facing an investigation into your behavior with a child. You’re scared, angry, and confused. In desperation, you have selected Breaking the Cycle to find the answers to your questions.

Child sexual molestation is a common crime. It is estimated that 15% to 40% of all females and as much as 20% of all male children have been sexually abused by age eighteen. There are 42,000 to 96,000 young boys molested every year. In 1976, there were approximately 6,000 reports of child sexual abuse in America. The number of reports according National Incidence Study (NCCAN) done in 1981 increased to approximately 44,700 cases of sexual abuse uncovered by professionals in a year. By 1986, according to the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse, there were 250,000 reported cases. In just 5 years, the number of reports went up almost seven and half fold. In 10 years, the number was over 40 times greater. This indicates that the mandatory reporting laws of the 70’s have had a positive effect on the number of reports of child sexual abuse.

David Finkelhor, 1983, conservatively estimated 210,000 annual incidents of child sexual abuse, not reports. Using a very liberal estimated number of one million incidents per year, the chances of being reported in 1976 ranged from 1 in 35 to 1 in 166. The chances in 1981 increase ranged from 1 in 5 to 1 in 22. In 1986, the certainty of being reported ranged from a sure thing to 1 in 4. It is doubtful that the incidence of sexual abuse has actually increased as much as the reporting methods have become more effective.

If you are a practicing child molester, your chances of being reported are quite high. This crime is no longer vastly under reported as it was just 10 or 15 years ago. Molesters, who continue their molesting behaviors over several years, will inevitably be reported. These are some of the statistics of which you are about to become a part. The statistics are just numbers and don’t reveal the suffering that child molestation brings into the families of the victims and the families of the offenders. It is estimated that less than 3 per cent of all child molesters ever admit to their behavior. Hopefully this book will aid you into becoming part of that 3 per cent.

There are a multitude of books which address the effects of child abuse on the victims. There are volumes written on how to work the issues of childhood sexual abuse as a victim. Recovery is possible. There are currently few, if any, books helping the offender or other family members of the victim deal with the issues of child molestation. It is as if only the victim has any importance. The offender is many times viewed as some lower life form devoid of wants, desires, hopes, dreams, and feelings. Family members of the victim are shunted aside so ‘experts’ can ‘help’ the victim. This problem exists because of society’s lack of understanding the make up of a child molestation, family dynamics, and the child molester.

The term child molester usually conjures up a picture of a dirty old man—usually a stranger, a white male, late forties to early seventies. These are the offenders society is willing to identify—the stereotypical male pedophile. Yet classic fixated pedophiles are a very small proportion of the child molesting population. A child molester very simply is anyone who sexually abuses a child. This may seem to be a straight forward definition of a child molester but not everyone understands or agrees on what constitutes sexual abuse. Many individuals only view intercourse—anal, oral, or genital—as sexual abuse. Sexual molestation occurs anytime a child endures any inappropriate sexual encounter. Defining what is or is not sexually age appropriate is not always clear. Is it sexually abusive when the babysitter changing the toddler’s diapers spend much more time than usual in applying creme to the youngster’s penis? Is it sexually abusive when mommy kisses the baby’s penis after each diaper change and says ‘Mommy loves her little man.’? Is it sexual abuse when the mother continues to give enemas long after they are required? Some will say all of the above are abusive. Others can claim that none of the above are abusive. Most can agree that the above are, at least, mildly sexually inappropriate behaviors with a child. An excellent book defining sexual abuse of children is ABUSED BOYS by Mic Hunter.

One reason the examples may seem a bit unclear regarding sexual abuse is that the perpetrator in each was female. If the above examples used a male perpetrator, it becomes easier to see the behavior as sexually abusive. A father kissing his baby daughter’s clitoris and saying, ‘Daddy loves his little woman.’ may fill you with disgust and anger. Even if it is done just one time, this is viewed as sexual abuse. Sexual abuse of a child is sexual abuse regardless of the sex of the perpetrator. What makes a behavior abusive is the harm done to the child. Part of the harm done to the child is that it inappropriately sexualizes the child at an early age and gives the child a warped view of sexuality.

Taking the above example of the little boy whose penis was kissed when his diapers were changed. Suppose the boy grew up seeing his mother treat each of his brothers the same way. Can you understand that as a father, this person would not see kissing his daughter’s clitoris after a diaper change as wrong? Such a person might even view his actions as nurturing. This example gets into the realm of excusing the sexually abusive—inappropriate behavior because the perpetrator was abused as a child and didn’t know better. The point of the above example is not to excuse the child molesting behaviors of those also abused as children but to show the harm that is done to the first child in sexualizing him at an early age. It also shows how child abuse can and usually is passed on from generation to generation.

Breaking the Cycle is written for the male and the female perpetrator. Personal experiences related in the book use the sexes as described by that person. All other references are not gender specific. If you are a female perpetrator you may feel very unique and isolated. Therapists may treat you more abusively than they would male offenders. This is a societal attitude which expresses the view that only the sickest of the sick would harm a child. It has taken years for this attitude to change for male perpetrators. It has been a slow process but many in society still view all child molesters in this fashion. In the therapeutic community, this is changing for men. It has changed because of the courage of women coming forth and exposing their perpetrators. In dealing with the variety of male perpetrators, therapists and doctors are learning that there is a wide range of abuse done by male perpetrators. They have found that the majority of male perpetrators aren’t classic fixated pedophiles but men with maladjusted sexual boundaries. They are also learning that most, if not all, of these men have been victimized—many by women. It will still be some time before women offenders will receive equal treatment as men. I hope if you are a female perpetrator, you will not feel alone and that you will understand that your male counter-parts understand what it is you are dealing with.

Some of society’s other misunderstandings lie within the denial surrounding incest and child molestation. This denial is part and parcel of the offender’s rationalization.

Denial

This is the typical response of offenders when first confronted with their actions. The denial can be blatant—I didn’t do anything. That’s person’s crazy.—to obtuse-I am sorry. It happened only once and will never happen again. Both responses are lies.

Denial can take the form of admitting to some small part of the molestation but conveniently forgetting the more devastating behavior. The offender can show sorrow for the action at the initial confrontation but more than likely this sorrow is at being caught and having to face the consequences. Another form of sugar-coating the actions is to play down the harm done to the victim or to indicate that the victim was an eager and willing partner. Thus, according to the offender, no damage was really done. Sometimes the offender can convince the victim of this version of truth. Victims have been known to defend and even refuse to testify against their perpetrator because they believe there is a special bond between them. The excuse that sexual abuse did not occur because the child willingly participated is one of the more frequently used forms of denial.

Most enlightened states will prosecute in spite of the victim’s wishes. Convictions can and are being made without the cooperation of the victim. All that must be proved is sexual contact occurred between the adult and the child. In more jurisdictions, it is becoming easier to get convictions because the presumption of trust has shifted from the white male perpetrator to the disadvantaged victim. The presumption of innocence, while constitutionally correct, is no longer simply given to offenders of child molestation. The word of the victim carries much more weight than the word of the accused.

One of the most devastating forms of denial for the victim and the relatives of the victim is the outright admission and challenge from the offender. This takes a very cruel and hurtful twist. The offender admits to the abuse and challenges anyone to do anything about it. This occurs when the offender feels politically, physically, or emotionally in control of his family and friends.

Another form of denial occurs when the offender claims remorse for the confronted behavior. This offender may even admit to some of the other incidence of abuse but ends the confession with a plea for forgiveness. Inside this denial is the hurt, suffering, and pain experienced by the victim. This denies the necessary recovery work that must occur for victim, family, and offender before forgiveness can be requested or granted. It is—I did it. I am sorry. Let’s forget it. This problematic behavior doesn’t go away that easily.

Denial can also take the form that what happened wasn’t sexual. This is a devious and difficult form of denial to overcome. Victims may question their sanity. Were they actually abused or was it a figment of their imagination. The abuse can take on either a loving or sadistic nature. Backrubs that turn into front rubs. Neck rubs that include ear nibbling. Foot rubs that end in leg, thigh, and possibly genital massages. The sadistic form of this denial is punishment such as spankings and having the child undress to be spanked. Offenders will make up wrongs the child has committed in order to perform this punishment. In both cases, the abusers deny their actions as sexually abusive because they did not become sexually aroused because the action wasn’t sexual in nature. For these offenders, sexual abuse is not a matter of sexuality but a matter of power. In some ways this is true of all abusive behaviors.

All these forms of denial are window dressing. They hide the offenders’ true feelings. No matter how the initial confrontation occurs for the offender, it does not come as a complete surprise. As the example below illustrates.

"My wife had just called me at work to let me know that the authorities were coming over to discuss a problem. She wanted me to come home. She said that they would not elaborate over the phone but that they needed to see her today. I told her I would come right home. It seems there was a problem with our daughter.

As I hung up the phone, my stomach knotted. I knew why they were coming. I drove home recalling many trips imagined where I would pull into view of our drive with a Sheriff’s car already there. The temptation of running away was very strong. In the past with imagery of police cars, I told myself that I would just drive on and never return.

At this point, my thoughts turned to what did my victim tell them? Would they arrest me today? How would I tell my wife? Answers to questions self inquired many times over would come forth in the next hour or two. Was I ready for what was about to happen? The authorities arrived in a plain unmarked car. Perhaps the fact that it wasn’t a police car meant that there would be some other problem discussed."

If offenders know that what is happening is wrong, why don’t they stop or turn themselves in? Many offenders do understand that society would not approve of their behavior with children. The problem exists for the offender to rationalize society’s laws with what they are doing. For most offenders, their actions are not abusive.

Rationalization

Rationalization is just a form of denial the abuser uses to justify the behavior. Much of the child molester’s rationalization revolves around the term abusive. As long as the offenders can convince themselves that the child is not being harmed, then for them, the behavior is not abusive.

Offenders may be sociopathic individuals who are not concerned with the harm they cause. This is a very small minority. The defiant abuser who challenges anyone to do something about the behavior may appear to fit into this pathological deviant category but usually does not.

Most molesters, while unhealthy, are not pathologically deviant. They are simply rationalizing the harm being done as not happening. This is true of the defiant abuser also. To the challenging offender, the child wasn’t harmed or if hurt, the harm was only minor. Others are making a bigger deal out of this behavior than is necessary.

Young children are initially curious and willing to go along with sexual games or other behaviors which adults know are wrong. The offender does not see this as harmful. Since the child enjoys themself, the perpetrator has not hurt the child. This, of course, is far from the truth. This is one way that child molestation causes further harm.

As children grow older and wiser, reluctance on their part is distorted in the mind of the abuser. Forms of reluctance or reticence on the child’s part are ignored and any signs of enjoyment are magnified. To the abuser, the child just needs to be ‘coaxed’ a bit more. The child’s ‘enjoyment’ is still there.

Rationalization of no harm occurring comes in other forms. The idea that the child is too young to remember helps those offenders who abuse pre-schoolers to continue their behavior with their young charges because for them no physical pain occurred. The lack of physical pain means the child wasn’t hurt. What’s happened makes no difference because the child won’t remember and without remembering there can be no guilt and therefore no shame or emotional harm. Today, authorities in child development understand the severe harm done to pre-school children by sexual abuse—even when physical pain is not involved. Authorities understand but child molesters do not.

Another form of rationalization is that the behavior is not sexually stimulating to the offender or the victim. This usually occurs in the area of wrestling or tickling the child. The offender usually engages the child in a wrestling or tickling game. In the course of the game, the offender spends a disproportionate amount of time tickling legs, buttocks, genital and other personal areas of the victim. An offender can claim such contact as accidental. The offender did not feel aroused and it was just ‘horsing around.’ Not every person who wrestles or tickles a child is a pervert. Child molesters seek it out and spend an unusual amount of the ‘play’ time touching, bumping, rubbing against buttocks or genital regions of the child or having some portion of the child’s anatomy rubbing against these areas of the offender. The child eventually recognizes the game for what it is—sexually stimulating. The child may become repulsed or attracted to this game. In either case, the child is harmed while the perpetrator refuses to see the harm.

Child molestation occurs by older children upon younger children. Some adult sex offenders have admitted to beginning their sexually inappropriate behavior as young as 7 or 8. Among children, witnessing of sexual offenses can go unrecognized even by older children. Take the case of Rita. Rita was 13 at the time.

"I recall watching my 15 year old sister change the baby’s diapers when she was babysitting. She made a game of tickling the baby in genital region. The baby would laugh and my sister would tickle her and she would laugh some more. Nothing seemed wrong. The baby didn’t cry except when my sister would tickle the baby too much. You know, like when someone tickles you and it starts to hurt instead of be funny.

I didn’t think that was sexual abuse. I’m sure glad I didn’t change the baby’s diapers because I thought it was normal."

The 13 year old did not report the abuse because there was no pain. The irony of this is that the 15 year old baby sitter/daughter had been shown repeatedly by her adoptive mother how to apply ointment to her baby sister and that the application was not required directly to the genitals. The adoptive mother was reassured at each lesson that the ointment was never placed directly on the genitals but in the skin fold by the legs.

This young lady had been sexually abused by her birth parents or foster parents as a baby. It seemed normal and appropriate to her even without direct memory of her own abuse. Unfortunately, this 15 year old was re-enacting the abuse done to her upon her two year old sister. Her rationalization was that this wasn’t child molestation because there was no sexual arousal. Irrespective of the perpetrator’s view of the behavior it was still sexual molestation.

In understanding the denial and rationalizations used by offenders, it is easier to understand their initial reactions as their means of survival. In many cases, the offenders are concerned more with the ability to maintain their old behavior than the possibility of jail.

The modality of this interrelationship with children is ingrained. Confrontation means that this inappropriate behavior is acknowledged and must be discontinued by the offender. Fear of further repercussions can provide a temporary halt to the offenders’ sexual activities. In some offenders, there is a sigh of relief. They have felt the guilt and shame over their actions and have wanted to discontinue their behavior but could not. Now they know they MUST stop. The problem is that these offenders will tell the truth that they want to stop and that they are glad it’s out in the open. What these offenders do not understand is that their best intentions of stopping still will not work.

Many offenders wanted desperately to stop in the past. Maybe they did stop for a time but eventually went back to being inappropriate with another child. Unless there is continued therapy and intervention, the pattern will repeat itself. There is a lot of hard recovery work necessary to turn an offender away from the desire for continued child abuse.

The message of Breaking the Cycle is that offenders can work through their issues of child abuse and come out whole. It is not a short, inexpensive, painless endeavor nor must it be extremely painful, expensive, or unduly long.

Alternatives to rationalization and denial

Many may think that the best alternative to denial is the truth. Although theoretically correct, it is impractical advice for the confronted perpetrator for two important reasons. The most prominent is that the perpetrator is in shock. The other is that the perpetrator probably has an ingrained denial system so strong that the truth is unknown and unrecognizable to the abuser. The best thing an offender can do when first confronted is to keep silent and listen. The only defense is not an offense but silence. More offenders have damned themselves through their own words than by anything else they have done. No matter how difficult, the offender should just listen.

Admission of guilt at the time of the confrontation is not always wise. Depending on the state and the person to whom the admission is made, the admission can be used as testimony to incarcerate the offender. Too many offenders have learned too late that as a perpetrator of child sexual abuse many rights given murderers are denied to them. If a response is necessary, the best one is one of confusion. It is possible to neither admit nor deny the accusations. It is Ok for the offender to be shaken and in a state of shock. This, in reality, is where the offender is.

What the offender needs most at this time is help in determining what this all means. Those confronting the abuser are not concerned about the well being of the offender but only at uncovering the truth and stopping the behavior. These people do not necessarily understand that professional help for the offender will be required in order to uncover the truth and stop the offender. Remember that most any response from the offender at this point will be one made by a person in shock and denial. At this point, the main emphasis has to be that the offender needs help and that contact between the offender and the child being victimized is severed and will remain severed until the perpetrator has dealt with all of the issues around the abuse.

If the sexual abuse is incest, the perpetrator must be the one to leave the family dwelling. There are many circumstances where this may not seem immediately feasible. In such instances, the victim may more easily find a temporary place to stay. This temporary arrangement should be with a family familiar with the victim—ie., relatives, neighbors, or a friend. This must be very temporary—no more than a few days and not longer than a week. The offender should be encouraged to find accommodations away from home for a period of at least 3 to 6 months. Treatment and re-unification of the family may take a year or more. Under no circumstances should the abuser be allowed any contact with the victim. This includes letters, gifts, and phone calls. Some offenders will try to pass messages to their victims through friends and family of the victims. For the safety of the victim, this should not be allowed.

The offender should be encouraged to immediately seek professional help. Emphasis should be placed on the term immediately. Most offenders out of fear and confusion will not seek help on their own. Their hope is that this is all temporary and that it will go away. If the authorities—police or social workers—have not been contacted, they will need to be. Child abuse is not a problem that simply goes away. Nor is it a problem the offender is capable of handling on their own. Outside forces are usually necessary to get the offender to come to grip with the inappropriate behavior.

Legal Professional help

The abuser has two concerns. One is a legal concern. The other is concern over stopping the abuse. Neither area improves by ignoring them and hoping this will just go away. The moment of confrontation has arrived. The longer the offender drags on without taking action, the more trouble the offender will encounter—both legally and therapeutically—now and later.

Is a lawyer necessary? Eventually the abuser will face various authorities in the investigation and having an attorney can be beneficial. Some offenders have spent upwards of $15,000 and ended up still doing jail time. Other offenders have come forth and used court appointed attorneys as required and plea bargained into therapy and probation. What needs to be kept in mind in both cases is the initial charges of these two offenders differed. The first offender was facing forced intercourse (rape) charges with multiple victims looking at a maximum penalty of 35 years. The second offender was facing assault with the attempt to be sexual with a minor. This is the minimum sexual offense charge—maximum penalty of 1 year in prison.

Child molestation statutes in almost all states have various degrees of harshness. Criminal behavior is graded from attempted molestation to rape with increasing lengths of imprisonment. An attorney is best equipped to explain the various statutes. The offender should expect to pay a retainer of $500 to $5000, depending on the locale and the potential charges being levied.

Any worthwhile attorney will recommend that you discuss nothing concerning the molestation without the attorney’s presence. This is a valid consideration but this advice does not address halting the abusive behavior. This is legal advice for the abuser’s protection—not the victim’s nor society’s protection. In many states, anything told a therapist concerning child molestation must be reported—even after an investigation has begun. Anything revealed in therapy can be used in criminal prosecution. In most states, confession to clergy can not be called forth as incriminating evidence.

While the selection of a