Sex Talks with Tweens: What to Say & How to Say It

By Amy Lang MA

If you want your kids to make good decisions, have healthy relationships and feel great about themselves as a sexual person, Sex Talks with Tweens is your go-to guide.

If parents don't talk with their tweens, pornography, peers and social media will do it for them. These are the last (and worst) places kids for kids to get their sex education.

Most people don't know how to start or what to say when it comes to the sex talks. No more wondering how much is too much information, parents will find essential, age-appropriate scripts on topics such as:

Consent
Gender
Pleasure
Puberty
Relationships
LGBTQ issues
Pornography
Their own sexuality
And more (a lot more)

Today's parents finally have what they've been waiting for—a modern and often humorous guide to talking with tweens about sexuality. This book takes the fear out of the sex talks and empowers parents to tackle this vital part of raising children.

Acclaimed sexuality and parent educator, Amy Lang, MA, has included simple tips used by thousands of parents that will make the conversations easier, effective and even fun.

They need you. Give your tween the gift of fact-based, positive and healthy sexuality education. They may hate it in the moment but they will thank you in the long run.

"There has been a serious dearth of advice on how to talk to tweens about sex. Amy Lang to the rescue! Her straightforward (and often funny) book gives parents the tools to build trust with their children as well as raise them to approach sexuality consciously, positively and responsibly. —Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls & Sex and Boys & Sex

"I am constantly asked by parents, "What words do I use when talking to my kids?" I have collected hundreds of sex education books over the years and this excellent book stands out! It is simpler to use than most and it covers a broad range of topics. More than ever, we need to be approachable and 'askable' parents who empower our kids. This book will help you do just that!" —Rowena Thomas, founder of 'Amazing Me' is a Sexual Health Educator based in Sydney, Australia.

"Amy Lang makes even the most blush-worthy topics totally approachable. You'll get plenty of tips to help you help your child be prepared to stay safe, healthy, and responsible. You can DO this—equipped with this book!" —Amy McReady, Parenting Coach and author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-By-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World

"Amy Lang offers honest, open talking points that educate parents (and their kids) with a fun yet concise voice. If this book goes missing, look under your child's pillow!" —Kim Cook, RN CHES, Author, Teen World Confidential: Five-Minute Topics to Open Conversation; Founder, The Sex Education Alliance

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Apr 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781667836188

Book preview

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Birds & Bees & Kids® LLC

BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com https://birdsandbeesandkids.com/

Copyright 2022 by Amy Lang MA

Birds & Bees & Kids® and the Bird & Bees logo are registered trademarks.

ISBN 978-1-66783-617-1

eBook 978-1-66783-618-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, in part, in any form, without the permission of the author.

Contents

Introduction

Part 1

Chapter 1: Bodies

Biological Female And Biological Male

Intersex

Private Parts

Parts Everyone Shares

Urethra

Anus

Nipples

Belly Buttons 

Mouth

Female Parts

Vulva

Labia majora and minora

Clitoris

Vagina

Vaginal Discharge

Cervix

Ovaries and Ovum

Fallopian Tubes

Uterus

Breasts

Male Parts

Penis

Foreskin

Circumcision

Erections

Ejaculation

Semen

Sperm

Testicles and Scrotum

Chapter 2: Boundaries, Consent,and Safety

Body Boundaries 

Consent for Kids

The Ask-First Rule

Safe Adults

Stranger Danger

Trust Your Gut

Chapter 3: Adolescence and Puberty 

Puberty and the Body

Adolescence and the Brain 

Body Odor

Pubic Hair

Shaving and Waxing

Acne and Pimples

Voice Change

Growth Spurt

Periods

Period Products

Tampons, Menstrual Cups and Toxic Shock Syndrome

Breast Growth

Wet Dreams

Random Acts of Senseless Erections

Part 2

Chapter 4: Pregnancy, Birth, Adoption, and More

Pregnancy

Eggs

Sperm

Conception or Fertilization

Zygote

Embryo

Fetus

Gestation

Placenta

Vaginal Sex

Sperm and Egg Donation

Intrauterine Insemination and In Vitro Fertilization

Surrogacy

Vaginal Birth

Cesarean Section

Adoption

Premature Babies

Miscarriage and Stillbirth

Unintended Pregnancy

Abortion

Chapter 5: Sex for Fun and Pleasure

Sexual or Physical Attraction

Sexy

Sexual Consent

Communication 

Abstinence-Only Sex Ed

Waiting 

Making Out

Sex for Fun and Pleasure

Making Love

Orgasms

Masturbation

Virgins and Virginity

First-Time Sex

Different Kinds of Sexual Intercourse

Vaginal Sex

Oral Sex

Anal Sex

Sex Toys

Chapter 6: Birth Control Methods

Birth Control

Abstinence

Different Types Of Birth Control

Hormonal Methods (in order of effectiveness) 

Intrauterine Device

Implant

Pill

Depo

Patch

Vaginal Ring

Emergency Contraception

Barrier Methods

Diaphragm and Cervical Cap

Condoms

Chemical Birth Control Methods

Spermicide

Phexxi

Permanent Birth Control Methods

Tubal Ligation

Vasectomy

Natural Methods

Withdrawal

The Rhythm Method

Part 3

Chapter 7: Gender

Gender in General

Gender Identity and Expression 

Pronouns

Gender Binary

Cisgender

Non-binary

Genderfluid

Agender

Transgender

Chapter 8: Sexual Orientationand Attraction

Sexual or Physical Attraction (again)

Romantic or Emotional Attraction

Sexual Orientation

LGBTQ+

Questioning

Queer

Aromantic

Asexual

Straight or Heterosexual

Homosexual

Gay

Lesbian

Bisexual 

Pansexual

Coming Out

Chapter 9: Different Types Of Relationships

Family and Friendship Love

Crushes

Dating

Healthy Relationships

Unhealthy Relationships

Monogamy

Cheating

Open Relationships or Monogam-Ish

Polyamory

Romance-only

Hook Ups

Part 4

Chapter 10: Sexually Transmitted Infections

Safer Sex

Unprotected Sex

STI Testing

The Most Common STIs

Human Papillomavirus

Chlamydia

Herpes

Human Immunodeficiency Virus/Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome

Chapter 11: Sexual Abuse andRelated Topics

Tricky People

Grooming

Uncomfortable Feelings

Privates-Touching Rule

Sexual Experimentation

Sexual Abuse

Sexual Assault

Rape

Date Rape

Sexual Bullying

Sexting

Chapter 12: Pornography

Pornography Definition

More Things to Say about Porn

Sex in Porn

Bodies in Porn 

How to Gently Ask if They’ve Seen It 

What to Do When They See It

What To Do If Someone Shows It To Them 

Why You Use Monitoring and Filtering 

Why You Are Installing Monitoring and Filtering

Porn Addiction

Healthier Alternatives to Porn

Chapter 13: Random Scripts, Tips,and More

More General Tips

How to Explain Sexuality Education

Why You Talk to Them about This (a Lot)

Your Kid Won’t Talk to You Tactics 

How to Prevent Them from Telling Other Kids (Maybe)

Answering Personal Questions

When Did You Have Sex the First Time?

Have You Done that (Sex Thing)?

Have You Had an STI?

Dealing with Other Parents

When Your Kid Tells another Kid about Sex

How to Tell a Parent Their Kid Saw Porn at Your House

How to Tell a Parent Your Kid Saw Porn at Their House

How to Ask a Parent if They Use Monitoring and Filtering

If They Say None (or Seem Wishy-washy)

Getting Caught in the Act 

If They Find Your Sex Toys

Potty Talk and Swearing

Sexual Abuse

Whether to Share Your Own Abuse or Assault

If Your Child Discloses Abuse

Sex Work

Perimenopause and Menopause

Chapter 14: Sex Talk Pep Talk

Resources

References

The Thank-You Part

Introduction

Picture this: You’ve been a sexuality educator working with adults and teens for more than sixteen years. Your five-year-old son is getting ready for a bath, and he grabs his penis and says, Mama, did you know …

Much to your surprise you think, "Please!!!!!! Do not tell me it feels good to touch your penis!"

You say, What?

He says, I can see the veins in there where the blood goes!

You reply, Hmmm. Get in the bathtub.

And then you think, WTF was that? Why am I freaking out at the thought of him telling me it feels good to touch his penis! Of course, it feels good to touch a penis! I know all about them and how they work so why did I freak out?

This was me. I was totally shocked by my discomfort at the very thought of talking with him about the number-one benefit of having a penis. I had talked to so many people about sexuality over the years that nothing much fazed me, and I had assumed I would be completely comfortable talking to my son. 

It turns out I would have rather talked to a fifteen-year-old about their pregnancy than my five-year-old about his penis. This discovery was quite the blow to my ego.

So being a good mama, I hopped on the Internet and started to learn all I could about talking to kids about sex. It turns out there are a lot of opinions (surprise!) about when and how to talk with kids. I could not find any definitive answers to my questions because there were so many ideas. Like …

Wait until they ask

It will ruin their innocence if you talk to them too soon

Fifth grade is the time because they get sex ed in school (if they have it at all)

Let school handle it—they know best

Don’t let school do it—they will ruin your kid

High school is best because sex is around the corner

They will figure it out on their own (like you did)

Start early and talk to them frequently throughout childhood and the teen years

If a kid is uncomfortable, that means they aren’t ready for the talks

If a kid is uncomfortable, stop talking to them and wait until they are ready

All I wanted was something that made sense and was effective in terms of preparing kids for this part of life, reducing unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infection (STI) rates, and helping them have healthy relationships. Most of the options didn’t seem to measure up.

Then I had a brainwave: What part of the world has the best teen sexual health outcomes? What are they doing when it comes to sexuality education? 

That would be Scandinavia. They have it all going on in the sex-education department. As a result, their kids do the best when it comes to their sexual health.

Out of 1,000 teen girls, only three get pregnant each year. Three.

In the U.S., out of 1,000 teen girls, 31 become pregnant each year. Ouch.

The reasons they do the best is because they start sex education in kindergarten; they are very open about sexuality and see it as a positive part of life; their kids can easily access birth control and STI testing; and they understand that children deserve to be prepared for this part of life. They are the epitome of sex positive.

Just gonna say that again in case you missed it: they start sex ed in kindergarten. Age five. Super early, and it works! They have sex ed all the way through school so there is no not knowing. Everyone knows nearly all of the sex things, and it shows in their teen sexual-health outcomes.

The kindergarten/age five thing freaked me out a little, because I thought it might be too soon. But then I learned one more thing: kids who have age-appropriate sex education and have open communication with their trustworthy adults from a young age are safer from sexual abuse.

This pushed me right into the start-early camp, and I decided we should use this as a model for how to teach our son, Milo, about this part of life. I began reading more and more about how to do this well, gathered resources (mainly books), and jumped right in.

Almost. I was reading the classic 1970s book How Babies Are Made by Andrew C. Andry and Steven Schepp to Milo when got to the penis-enters-vagina part and froze. And skipped it. I could not get those words out of my mouth. Milo hopped off my lap without missing a beat and went back to playing.

You big chicken! I thought. Milo was unfazed by this book; I was the one with the problem. Later I read it again and this time I read all the words. Guess what? Milo hopped off my lap and went back to playing. Unfazed.

At some point after I got the party started with Milo, I had another brainwave: I could teach other parents how to have these conversations! I was a sexuality educator and I have a masters degree in adult education, why not combine two of my favorite things and start a business? So I did.

Since I started Birds & Bees & Kids in 2006, the number one thing parents have said to me is Just tell me what to say!

Here it is: What to say and how to say it.

Sex Talks with Tweens is short, so you can jump right in and get what you need in a snap. Most how-to-talk-about-sex books are long and full of great info, but it takes work to find just what you need (and how to talk about it). Not this one.

Is this book perfect? No way.

Is it just right for every person and family? No.

Will it be helpful to you? You bet.

Study after study has shown kids have significantly better sexual health outcomes than their peers when their parents actively and consistently talk with them about these topics. 

This means they:

Have a positive sense of themselves as a sexual person

Feel more prepared for dating, relationships and sex

Tend to wait longer to become sexually active and are more likely to use protection

Have healthier relationships 

Will be more willing to talk to a trusted adult (like you) when they have questions or problems

Are safer from sexual abuse

These scripts are for kids ages nine to twelve and