They Never Told

By Monica N Bester

What is your secret? Do not say you have none, because you do. We all do. Sometimes our secrets liberate us internally, but sometimes they enable us: They enable us to live unconsciously in our deepest thoughts. Sometimes we tell, and sometimes we do not. That's the thing though, what is it that helps us decide when to remain silent or when

• Language: English
• Publisher: Monica Bester
• Release date: Mar 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9780692077665

Book preview

Introduction

Childhood sexual assault just so happens to be bigger than many of us can imagine. It can be considered the silent killer, if unnoticed; or better yet, not addressed at all. Why is it called silent? It can be considered silent because it causes pain and hurt that can choose to rear its head at any time, without notice. It becomes engrained in your brain; it shapes your thoughts of not only yourself, but others. It can eat your conscious and manipulate your thoughts and actions. It sometimes eats you most when you keep it to yourself.

Sexual Assault is a long-term issue in the world that does not receive as much discussion as it should. Over the years we have heard an increasing amount of celebrities coming forward to speak about their own experience with childhood sexual assault and to speak as an advocate. Some of those celebrities include: Teri Hatcher, Oprah Winfrey, Monique, Tyler Perry, Ashley Judd, and Queen Latifah. Although the abuse occurred during their childhood, they didn’t talk about it until later in adolescence and adulthood. This epidemic has affected people from various ethnicities, cultures, and walks of life.

Guess what? Your best friend just may have been assaulted—if it wasn’t you.  That’s something to think about, isn’t it? According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) website (rainn.org), statistics say about 1 in 5 girls, and 1 in 20 boys are sexually assaulted before the age of 18. I believe that ratio is much higher than what’s documented for our young boys, due to the high stigma that has been placed on sexual assault and the male stereotype. The other disheartening fact is the estimated statistic that roughly two out of three sexual assaults go unreported. Yes, over 66% of cases are said to not be reported.

We would like to assume children would be quick to tell someone when they are hurt or faced with a confusing situation. The youth are so full of inquisition, wonder, and humility. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case; definitely when it’s someone you know committing the act. Yes, roughly 90% of sexual assault cases are committed by someone the victim knows. What’s more saddening, is the projection that victims are likely to experience another incident at another time in their lifetime.

Why aren’t our children telling anyone? What are we doing to not create a safe space for them to tell us such a deep secret? We have allowed fear to win over love when looking at the imbalance of statistics surrounding reports. It is believed that far more incidents occur than what is reported. This book shares more evidence to prove this point. Many of our children are not telling.

We have learned through textbooks, documentaries, and lectures on how pedophilia is related to having a mental illness. We have also learned about common symptoms related to childhood sexual assault. What our current literature, documentaries, and lectures currently lack is a look into the process of healing on the receiving end of this unhealthy act. We have also neglected to follow through on establishing trusting relationships with our most vulnerable population: The youth.

This book looks into the life of four individuals who have different experiences of childhood sexual assault.  The context of this text has been put together through interviews, anecdotes, and reflections of each person. You will get a chance to read about different moments and memories related to the person, followed by a background and reflection of need. This reflection is meant to be used as a guide to viewing that moment in their life. Not to say everyone at this phase will need the same thing, but to provide a starting point for your thinking.

I want to point us back to the second paragraph of this introduction.  Statistics would say that more young girls experience childhood sexual assault than young boys. Due to these statistics, you see more literature pointing more so to assaults on young girls.

The point of this text was to show both equally. Two of the interviews are from women and two are from men. The universe brought together a diverse group of stories with each being ready to tell their story. They are portrayed anonymously for the sake of safety and respect.

We can watch a million episodes of Law & Order SVU, read a thousand textbooks on the process of healing, and sensationalize the journey. But, it’s much more complex. There is no one algorithm in place to have an understanding of this illness and its effects on individuals who are temporarily victimized. What we can say is there are similar characteristics found in individuals who have been sexually assaulted as children.

I have been watching Law & Order SVU since my younger years. During every episode, I would look closely to the television, working my mental theorems to figure out the perpetrator. It wasn’t until my adult years when I realized why I held such an intense fascination with this television show. The bad guys were usually always caught. This outcome usually only occurred after someone told.  Many survivors of sexual assault, who didn’t tell, are stuck with three perpetuating thoughts in their mind after an assault:

You didn’t tell;

Yourbadguyis still roamingthe world (if not dead) and;

No onereallycares about it.

No one in this book told exactly when it happened, except one. Three of the survivors waited some time to share with those who were trusted most with their uncomfortable secret. The other who did, was forced to live in silence as a result of telling.

The most important detail of information is remembering that this is real life. Yes, there are false allegations, but I strongly believe there are more reported in truth than not. One common thing amongst survivors of any form of abuse is that you wake up every day and make a choice—to be a victim or survivor that day. You become conscious of your actions and others around you.  Some days it is hard to be a survivor, and being a victim is much more comforting and stable. It is a process.

Each person shares their journey to healing and identifying themselves as a victim and survivor. Welcome, to that process.

This is Me

This is me,

Fully locked and loaded,

My attitude drifting through the air

Like an AR-15 fully loaded.

This is me,

Where many secrets reside,

I walk around seemingly perfect

But I’m still a child if you looked in my eyes.

This is me,

Sometimes consumed by my past,

Yet, walking through the present

Playing every role of the cast.

This is me,

A professional at hiding my deepest fears,

I threw out the broken pieces to be reminded

Images in the mirror are closer than they appear.

Part I

You know Me

Chapter 1

I’m a Boss

Just call me Peaches, 31 years old

If you think you can tell me something, I need for you to think again. I walk with my head held high, waist thumping