Someone You Know: Expert Secrets to Prevent Bullies, Sexual Assault, & Bad Relationships

By Dara Connolly

Do you know a controlling person? Do you worry about sexual assault or bullies?

In Someone You Know, relationship expert Dara Connolly provides an easy, profound, and entertaining read to help you attract positive people and avoid the bad ones.

Learn tools to handle bullies, mean girls, and avoid s

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kurukula
• Release date: Nov 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9780998034621

Dara Connolly

Dara Connolly is a motivational speaker and sexual assault prevention expert. Her award-winning Kurukula™ organization has helped women live confident, fearless, and safe lives for the past fifteen years. Her newly launched Jerky Johnny® relationship game has received national acclaim. To learn more, join her mailing list at www.Kurukula.org. From the Author: Are you tired of hearing about sexual assault and abuse in the news on a daily basis? I know I am. We have all heard the buzz of #MeToo, #TimesUp, and the current Women's Movement but what specific skills have you learned to help keep you safe? As a professional self-defense expert, I have studied rape prevention programs and advanced assault techniques for many years and can tell you predators are more likely to be people you know- yet most can be prevented. Someone You Know, uses personal stories to help readers easily understand expert advice to prevent abusers from selecting you. I lay out useful safety tools that I have learned from my fifteen-plus years leading workshops for girls and women with my award-winning empowerment organization. This book is for anyone who enjoys a light, easy, educational read to end sexual assault and abuse in the world- and it may even save your life! From Readers: "I wish someone had given me this book when I was growing up. I too swam in the culture of victim blaming, shaming women and patriarchy that Dara Connolly so clearly illustrates. We won't move the needle on sexual assault and violence against women until we look critically at the false myths that society uses to keep the cycle going. This book does just that. The author does not mince words; sharing stories and anecdotes that help the reader see the problem clearly. More importantly, this book is full of wisdom and practical advice that can be implemented immediately. This book is an honest and frank discussion of the reality of sexual assault in our society and what to do about it. It should be required reading for all families." Yvette Givvin Mother, Speaker, Story-Teller, Life Coach "As a psychotherapist for 40 years, I have treated many adult and child victims of abuse. This book provides a significant contribution to informing people of the coping skills and warning signs regarding abuse. The author's emphasis on positive self-esteem, deserving healthy relationships, and boundaries to mistreatment is of great value. Parents sharing the ideas in this book to their children would be highly beneficial." Jan Dombrower MS, MFT "Someone You Know by Dara Connolly is a moving, informative, and deeply important book that demystifies our biases and myths about sexual assault and abusive relationships. I love her immediately applicable tips and real stories. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to empower themselves and all the women and girls they care about. Keep this book handy and refer to it often until the tips and tools Connolly shares become second nature. It's our turn -- we can change our world for the better!" Beth Barany Award-winning Author, Creativity Coach, Teacher, Speaker "Someone You Know evokes profound insight, strong instincts, and deep awareness of relationships. Moreover, Dara Connolly empowers self-defense through mindful applications of intuition and emotional intelligence." Shashi Khosla DDS, Life-Coach, Certified Yoga and Meditation "This book provides valuable insight to women (and men) on sexual assault prevention and escaping dangerous relationships." Christine Dillman Director Sexual Assault, Tri-Valley Haven

Book preview

Rebel with a Cause

Choose Respectful People

We don’t divert enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

— Bill Watterson

Johnny was an outgoing seventeen-year-old with long hair and a beginner’s mustache whom I knew I shouldn’t have trusted. He wasn’t my type. I liked the clean-cut, sweet boys who blushed when I made eye contact with them. Johnny was the opposite. He was loud and overconfident, and his unpredictable remarks made every-one else blush. We’d worked together a handful of times at our local K-mart when I accepted his offer to drive me home one day. I thought I was being helpful. A ride home meant I was saving my mom the trouble of picking me up after my shift, as I couldn’t yet drive. That, and the fact that Johnny had a car filled with gas and was getting off the same shift that I was, made enough sense to my sixteen-year-old pre-developed cerebral cortex to accept his offer.

Johnny drove part of the way home before he decided to be clever and take me down a quiet road. I had no idea where he was going. I thought, ‘He must know a shortcut.’ I wasn’t suspicious at the time, but looking back, I realize that I should have known better. After all, this guy seemed nice at work, but I didn’t know him at all. He was just the cool older teen who knew the ins and outs of our lame retail job. Sometimes he would show up late for work and take longer breaks than we were allowed. To us rule-abiding cashiers, he was a bit of a rebel. So, I was a little flattered when he offered to drive me home that day. Other than his tardiness habits and sloppy facial hair, I knew nothing about him. Not his last name, where he lived, and certainly not his intentions.

When Johnny stopped the car on a dirt road in the middle of the woods, I suddenly became more alert. I asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t taking me home. He casually said, I want to show you something. I wasn’t a very loud person. At sixteen I was considered quiet, so I didn’t feel comfortable arguing with him. Instead, I waited to see what he was up to. Johnny was a skinny kid, as was I; at the least, I thought, I could probably take him if I had to. I had grown up with an older brother and was used to holding my own around guys. Heck, I even had a black belt in karate and considered myself to be a pretty bad-ass, sharp girl. I would have had no problem hitting him if needed. I wasn’t that worried. I had no interest in him, romantically or otherwise.

I only wanted a ride home.

Like most sixteen-year-olds, though, I was a bit naive about a teen guy’s intentions. I had gone on only a handful of dates. And that’s only if you consider a date to be your parents driving you to meet a boy, whose parents also drove him to get ice cream, and both your moms waited in the car. Johnny wasn’t my type. I didn’t even find him attractive. Yet somehow, like two foolish teenagers in the middle of the woods with nothing better to do, we started making out. I foolishly let him walk to first base.

There aren’t too many teenage boys I know of who, when playing baseball, would be content with just a single. Johnny was no exception.

He tried to act all cool and confident. I thought that he must have wanted to impress me. I wasn’t impressed, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I played along. My cerebral cortex (the part of the brain responsible for good decision making, which doesn’t develop until our mid-twenties) was, unfortunately still in spring training.

The next thing I knew, Johnny was standing outside the car, leaning in while I remained sitting in the passenger seat. He resumed kissing me through the car window. I’m sure at this point I told him to stop, but he wanted to be in control. His controlling behavior was a major warning sign and I missed it. Like a rogue baseball player ignoring his coach, he ignored my signals and did his own thing. When someone ignores your No, they’re up to something. You should have to say No or Stop only once. Ignoring No is a significant sign that you should never ignore. It’s one of the Danger Signs that my Jerky Johnny game uses to teach young people to avoid abuse in relationships. Johnny didn’t care about my signals. He was eager to play ball. And that was the exact moment when I should have firmly thrown down my glove.

Yet I was silent and he continued. Stealing second base and going for third, through the car window. I wasn’t comfortable, to say the least. I wanted him to stop and to leave me alone. This time, I know I told him. Then, at that moment, when I undeniably spoke up, his personality changed. It wasn’t blatantly obvious, but enough that I noticed it. He became (or was all along and I missed the signs) creepy. I remember him offensively saying, I can make you go wild right now if I wanted to. That was enough for me to firmly push him off and demand that he drive me home at that moment. That was the inning in which Johnny got ejected.

I bring up this true story of my life to demonstrate how easily situations can arise. At the time, I didn’t think much about it. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, but I knew to stay away from Johnny. I felt uncomfortable in the car with him that day, and the feeling stayed with me my entire life. It was my first glimpse at the reality of how easily sexual assault can happen. Sometimes it happens and the victim doesn’t even know it. When two people are in the heat of an intimate moment, lines are easily obscured and crossed. The person who feels violated may never even give off a sign that she (or he) is uncomfortable. The person may remain silent out of fear or shock, or simply because they don’t know what to say. It happens. And it happens often. You may have your own story. Almost every woman I know does.

By the time you are done reading this book, you will have learned expert secrets and what I call the Danger Signs of unhealthy people. Learning these signs may save your life. They’re the same whether you want to identify sexual predators or bullies. These are people who are trying to be in control and manipulate you. Danger Signs are the inspiration for my Jerky Johnny game, which uses role-playing to teach young people about how abusive relationships develop. For this book, I narrowed down the Danger Signs to make them easier to remember. Johnny certainly had a handful (excuse the pun) of signs.

Lesson Learned

At sixteen, I was insecure, quiet, and a little rebellious. I would have had trouble speaking up and preventing a jerky guy from harassing me. Maybe a part of me was drawn to risky situations. Teens look for ways to push the limits, and they often find them. This is one of the reasons why incidents of sexual assault and abuse are very high among young people. Young people are vulnerable. They’re inexperienced with dating, have romantic views of love, and are attracted to drama. They may also confuse affection with abuse, or sex with love. Always choose partners who respect you. Pay attention to the people with whom you spend your time. If you are with someone who doesn’t really listen to your opinion or is disrespectful toward others, you need to move on. This is especially true in intimate relationships. How can you expect someone to respect your boundaries and listen to your Stop or No in the heat of the moment when that person doesn’t have much respect for you