Love on Fire: Practicing Embodied Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

By Leah RS Braun

A practical guide through the grueling (but sublimely rewarding) recovery journey from sexual trauma, told through experience, strength, and hope.

Walk again with Leah RS Braun as she guides her readers through the swirling and often murky waters of recovery from sexual trauma.

Leah recounts what has worked for her in her journey as a survivor, as well as sharing the poignant stories of several other brave women who have traveled a similar path toward recovery.

This book is more than words you read; it’s actions you take.

If you want to feel better and even (gasp!) enjoy your sexuality, grow your intimacy skills, attain power and sovereignty in your own skin, and do it all without being hijacked by trauma memories, intrusive thoughts, or repeating destructive patterns you can’t seem to stop on your own, this book is for you.

Join Leah as she shares intimately about her set-backs and victories on the path to trauma recovery, and begin your own survivorship journey on the way. Leah holds your hand as you read the book and begin detailing your own commitment to make healing changes in your life. She also provides you with real-world, affordable recovery resources you can access wherever you are.

Now is the time to reclaim your sexual and intimate power and agency, and to know that you’ll change our rape culture — one survivor at a time — as you step into your own sexual trauma recovery story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Paper Angel Press
• Release date: Jun 14, 2020
• ISBN: 9781949139891

Leah RS Braun

Leah RS Braun is nearly always uncomfortable talking about herself, but is working hard on not dimming her light, because that kind of thing really doesn’t serve anyone.Leah’s day job is: Yoga Studio Owner/Intuitive Personal Trainer, and her very cute studio is on the western edge of Minneapolis. Leah has worked in the fitness industry since 1993, and now spends her time trying to figure out ways to change that industry from the inside out. She provides professional development for yoga teachers and personal trainers on inclusivity, leadership, intuitive training/teaching methodology, and the general skills of the job.She lives with her (amazing) husband, two kids, and two cats about a half-mile from the studio in a regular house. She dreams often of ways to make the regular more sparkly in many areas of life. Leah REALLY likes talking to groups about fitness, trauma recovery, dancing, yoga, and lots of other stuff, so if you want to schedule an event, what are you waiting for?Go to Leah The Writer (https://www.leahrsbraun.com/) to get in touch. And remember, nobody will tell your story as well as you do, so buck up and own it. Blessings be. Ah-ho.

Book preview

Love on Fire

Practicing Embodied Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

Leah RS Braun

copyright © 2020 by Leah RS Braun

All rights reserved.

All names of abusers have been changed — not to protect them, but to protect me from possible libel.

All names of 12-step sponsors have been changed, as anonymity is one of the cornerstones of all 12-step groups.

All other names have been changed to minimize the collateral impact on those persons directly involved in my story, except where express permission was given to use real names.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, except for the purpose of review and/or reference, without explicit permission in writing from the publisher.

Cover artwork copyright © 2020 by Holly DeFount

Cover design copyright © 2020 by J. B. Wheatley

Unruly Voices is an imprint of Paper Angel Press

unrulyvoices.com

paperangelpress.com

ISBN 978-1-949139-89-1 (EPUB)

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FIRST EDITION

The content of this book is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in these pages!

If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. If you're having suicidal thoughts, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline to talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area at any time. If you are located outside the United States, call your local emergency line immediately.

Gratitude

What a huge birthing process is every book out there, right? And as such, every birth goes so much easier with the right help. I’ve got a few figurative midwives (midhusbands?), doulas, nurses, doctors, babysitters, and so much more to thank for helping me labor and deliver Love on Fire.

Thanks so much to my publishers at Paper Angel Press and Unruly Voices. Laureen and Steven, you both do so much and invest in all your authors so heartily. I’m so glad you continue to put faith and guidance in what I have to say. It’s so weird and wonderful to have an actual book (or two!) out there on the virtual and physical shelves that people value enough to buy.

Thanks also to my tireless and patient husband, who lets me tell some of our stuff to the world. He is a big part of my voice because of his willingness to be visible too. I’ve never loved anyone more in this world.

I want to thank my parents for agreeing to never read my books (at least the ones about sex and intimacy). That agreement preserves our relationships and helps me feel so much freer to share what’s on my heart while ignoring my good Midwestern co-dependent roots. (It’s okay, we’re steeped in it from birth in this part of the country — nobody’s fault, really.)

I also want to thank the broader 12-step recovery community. It’s hard to speak about my experiences in 12-step groups while preserving anonymity and also respecting the tradition about keeping 12-step groups out of press, radio, tv, and films.  The way I’ve portrayed recovery is purely from my experience. We base our group membership on attraction, not promotion. My writing about these groups is always from a place of awe and gratitude for what they do in so many people’s lives — and for practically free. It’s remarkable.

Thank you, most of all, to my readers who resonate with my story. My heart is with you in your healing journey, always and forever. Be strong, be persistent, and always ask for help. You never have to do hard things alone.

— Leah

Why write this book?

Some of you may have read my first book Sex on Fire: Finding Embodied Intimacy After Trauma. So far more than one hundred of you (and counting) have bought copies. Thank you. One of you came into my yoga studio one evening, waited around after class, and burst into my office to say that my book changed your life. In that moment, I knew that all the work and emotion and honesty and vulnerability I poured into that memoir were totally worth it, no matter how many copies I sold.

When I was writing Sex on Fire, I got about three-quarters of the way through the narrative and completely stalled. I had told a traumatic story and a good part of the healing story that followed it. Then I began to think, Okay, I’ve told my story. Fine, but who cares? Lots of people have lived through sexual trauma and have healed from it. Why does it matter that I’m doing this thing?

The answer that came through is that I was actually telling the story of many women, and many women don’t write it down. Many women hold their stories in out of fear, shame, self-blame, minimization, or threat of physical harm or relationship disruption to themselves or their family.

I must have received a message from future me who had met the woman who came to hug me in the studio after the book was written and on the shelf. I was telling my reader’s story as well as my story, and now I have this new and effortless lifelong connection with another shining brave, strong soul. Maybe some other bright souls who’ve read my book feel the same and I don’t even know about them yet! What a great reason to finish and publish a book, right?

Now there is this sequel. This time around, I’ve included some experiences from other women as well as more from my end, and some helpful tools for sexual and intimacy healing I’ve picked up along the way.

I also stalled out about three-quarters of the way through this book. It took an email to my editor to get me going again. A similar internal dialog took hold: Okay, I’ve told my story. Fine, but who really cares? And, as I sent the email to my lovely editor with that query, the answer came back from the ethers almost immediately, and here it is:

It matters [that I tell this next story] because regardless of whether we ever choose to have sex in our lives, our lives are better with intimacy and sensuality. Sensuality and intimacy make our lives vibrant, colorful, engaging, connected and whole.

We are designed for intimacy in our genes. It is the glue of our human culture. We often find ourselves (as Henry David Thoreau put it) living lives of quiet desperation when/if we don’t experience intimacy. Intimacy is the thing that separates us from machines.

I’d like to help people be people in the fullest expression of the label. Intimacy is at the heart of our personhood. And more people need to know how to do it well.

That is why I tell this story. I hope you find it useful. Remember that I am not a therapist, so everything I share here is anecdotal and also pulled and paraphrased from and credited to experts who have done the research and obtained the degrees.

Having a layperson like me help explain the stuff and personalize the research is key to grounding the healing material in a real way.

Take what’s in this book and run it by your health care team, and for Pete’s sake, listen to their guidance and wisdom. Do the things that fit for you as you are your own best expert on your sexuality and your sensuality and your expression of intimacy.

If you want to talk about it further, please reach out to your therapist, to your best friend, to your groups, and do talk about it. Intimacy deepens within us and between us when we talk about real things.

When more people are willing to go there it becomes less scary all around. Lord knows we can all use a little less fear and a little more intimacy now and always.

May this book be one more way to fully embrace our humanity.

#MeToo

This book stalled as our world has shifted with regard to the voices and stories of women — we are making history as we speak.

There has been a tidal wave of sexual harassment and sexual assault accusations from many, many women working in all forms of media, most notably against movie producer Harvey Weinstein, a powerful mogul in the film industry since the early 1990s.

The stories that have come out specifically about him are so disturbing that it’s almost a caricature of what I am describing about our current rape culture. Yet, the stories are soberingly real and ridiculously true to pattern.

The accounts about this person in particular have given strength to countless other women to tell their sexual violation stories. As such, we have seen a lot of mighty men in media, entertainment, technology, and also our government ousted or creep away from their lofty and lucrative careers in the public eye. The reactions of these men in response to their accusers have ranged from denial and defensiveness to apology and the willingness to account for their actions.

There has been some backlash from the larger culture about due process and deciding the guilt of the accused before proper investigation has transpired. There are many conversations now about levels of severity of the accuser’s actions and what consequences should be meted out.

There are apologetic posts on social media coming out from the accused. There are ongoing investigations from law enforcement and ethics committees. There are podcasts on office relationships and how and when they are ethically allowable (read: it is not okay for a superior to form a sexual/romantic relationship with a subordinate in pretty much every HR manual out there, and this type of relationship could place the superior at great risk for a lawsuit or criminal prosecution.)

Notably, an Alabama senatorial candidate accused of multiple instances of child molestation and even one instance of statutory rape (the accounts suggest that he had a pattern of propositioning teenage girls in malls when he was in his early 30’s and just beginning his public service career) was only narrowly defeated in a special election.

And, to cap it all off, the group of women who began the wave of truth-telling was featured on the cover of the 2017 Time Magazine in the Person of the Year cover. Which is sparking continued dialog and often outrage at the lack of intersectionality of the whole discussion.

There is this continuum of privilege around speaking out about sexual violation, and women of color are still less listened-to and less frequently believed when they tell their stories than white women. These are big deep wounds to explore on many sexual and social justice fronts.

Though due process is important in light of the accusations coming to the surface, the world is paying attention. Women are being believed — finally, for fuck’s sake, if still in unequal measure dependent on skin color and socio-economic status, gender identification, and sexual orientation, among other privilege-defining criteria.

The patterns and the trauma and the severity and the culpability are finally too obvious and pervasive to be ignored. We who have been violated are finally getting brave, because silence and trying to forget and attempting to move on are Just. Not. Cutting. It. Anymore.

Because of all the pus being squeezed out of this huge, societal sexual boil, I question how or when to proceed in my healing narrative and coaching strategy in this book. It seems like the world just needs to rage about sex and power right now, and so it is.

However, I have decided that the healing structures need to be built while the rage is going on. When people — women and men — are ready, the pathway to healing will be here to catch us and bring us back to connection. To rebuild the tender and passionate and powerful force