Wendy

By Wendy Arcangel

Judging a book by its cover is harder than anyone can imagine. In theory, it sounds simple. But I
wonder how many people have taken a look at me and were able to unlock all my dirty little
secrets. If I were to guess, I would say zero. On the outside, I have seemed shy. Sometimes I
even look mean or just too serious. On the inside, I’m full of regrets, and deep within me, I even
hold a few secrets that no one could imagine just by looking at my sweet face. My secrets have
consumed me over the years. The only thing left for me to do is to speak my sins out loud in the
hope that it will break me free from the misery I have lived for the past twenty years and
counting…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 21, 2023
• ISBN: 9781329184848

Book preview

Contents

Introduction                        Page 3

Ninth Grade                        Page 17

Tenth Grade                        Page 152

Eleventh Grade                  page 221

Twelfth Grade                        Page 279

College                        Page 361

Letters                              page 615

Wendy

Introduction

By the time you finish reading this book, you will consider me one of the worst people on the face of this planet. You will hate me to the point where you won’t want to hear the name Wendy again in your lifetime. But wait before you judge me; I wish I could beg you for mercy so you will consider my point of view. But only God could forgive my sins.

Only He could continue to love me after watching me do the unthinkable. Sometimes I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. So, don’t worry, I won’t dislike you for hating me. But I will ask for one thing: all I want from you is respect. Not because I deserve it, but because I’m going to need it. Some people learned from their mistakes the first time around, but it took me three times to realize what a monster I am.

I want you to know that this is the truth, this is my life. I want to come clean before I die. I want to set myself free. I don’t want to take my secrets to my grave. One day, I want to rest in peace, because today, I’m not at peace with myself, and when I die, I want to feel free once again. And, in order for me to rest in peace, I must confess all my sins out loud. This is how things went from sour to bitter. There have never been moments of bittersweet in my life.

It always felt like I was my worst enemy. Almost two years prior to my first day as a freshman in high school, I was in a taxi with my social worker, who had just picked me up from my last foster home. I was on my way to a group home, because no one wanted to deal with me. I couldn’t help but cry. I felt broken and spiritless at the same time. I just couldn’t get it right. I didn’t know how. It was like I was always the victim in my story. This was always the narrow of my life. I felt confused in a world I barely understood. Everyone wanted me to behave, but no one wanted to teach me how.

According to the judge who put in the request for me to move to the group home, this was the last hope for me. This was the last option. This was my last straw. My eyes were red and puffed from crying for almost an hour as we drove from Manhattan to Hasting on Hudson Upstate New York, to a place where you needed a map to find it. The social worker was doing her job. My suffering and tears didn’t bother her at all. The taxi driver kept driving, like my crying was music to his ears. There I was, on my way to a group home, with my life packed in my luggage. My life went from me living it, to me holding on to memories of things and people.

When we arrived, the size of the campus took my breath away. She paid the man, and she helped me get my bags out of the car. Then she waited with me while they completed the paperwork. While I was sitting there, I felt lost to some extent. The long process overwhelmed me. I kept thinking of the life I could have had with my biological family. I was only sure of a few things and being grateful to God was one of them. I knew one thing at a young age and that was that God was real. I was so sure of this that my life depended on it. I got along well with God from day one. God and I had a special bond that I thought could never be broken, but I was so wrong. My love for God had limits, but I was not aware of those limits until one day.

Things seemed to be good between God and me, ever since I used to live in a woody home. The grace of Him held the home and kept it from being blown by the wind. This home was built so fast and with no suitable materials. It was built so quickly that the main purpose of it was that we had a home while the government built a building for poor people like my family. Luckily for my family, my mother was able to secure one of the units with her hard work and dedication. The tiny wooden home had just two parts; the living room and the kitchen were in the same area. And the bedroom was on the other side. A curtain divided the bedroom. They built the bathroom outside the tiny house. The backyard to the home was next to a graveyard. When we looked outside, we could see people’s graves. We could touch the grave if we wanted to. My mother and father shared one bed. And my sister, Dennis, and my two brothers, Oscar and Carlos, we all shared one bed. I didn’t have a problem sharing a single bed with my siblings. Since I was the youngest child sharing a bed with my brothers and sister, this was fun for me. I could not say the same about them because I used to pee in the bed. Every night, there was a big fight because no one wanted to sleep next to me. For me, this experience was almost magical. But they didn’t see it that way. It was cool, though.

When we finally moved to the new apartment, we all had our own bed. My sister and I shared one bedroom, and my two brothers shared a bedroom. My parents got their own space with a door that they could close. But the happy ending didn’t last long; before I knew it, my mother was sharing a bed with the pee-pee girl. Yes, that’s me. Besides being my mother’s child, sharing a bed with my mom was the second-best thing that could ever happen to me. I knew my parents were having a lot of problems, because when I used to wake up to get ready for school, there were times when I found my mother crying. We were each other’s pillow in a way, because I was there for her, and she was there for me. My mother has always been my favorite person, ever since I was in her womb. How do I know that? Because I’m her daughter, and I was the one in there, chilling with her while I was being baked.

Okay, back to the dominant story. Somehow, my mother always brought me closer to God. It was like she was my guide to heaven. As a child, I didn’t have to rush to go to sleep. This was my me-time with my mother. I used to ask her to sing to me. This was an every-night request. When I was almost falling asleep, I used to hear my mother pray to God. Soon after, I started praying for myself and for my family. Talking to God came as natural as eating. I could do it. My prayers were simple. I prayed for myself, my parents, my brothers and sister, and for all the sick people around the world. All I asked of God was for Him to protect my family. I also asked Him to let me move to New York with my father’s family. This was my every night prayer. My bond with God was strong.

One night, I had a dream that I was walking alone beside other people and I saw Jesus walking. He was dressed in all white. While everybody was walking in the same direction as Christ, my siblings and I were looking for each other. We kept looking through the crowd of people. We didn’t stop looking for each other until we four were reconnected again. I couldn’t understand the message in the dream, but I didn’t say a word to anyone, not even to my mother. But the dream has been part of me since that night.

One day, my father told me, Pack your bag; you are going to New York. Before I left home, on my journey to New York, I put my family in God’s hands. I prayed every night, asking God to heal the sick people of the world and to protect my brothers and sister. They said love is blind, but love can also be so painful and joyful at the same time. When I think back to my youth, I want to cry, and there was a time when I wished I was stronger, but coming from a broken home and a childhood full of painful memories, my struggles could almost be justified.

Back in the days, I was that girl whom every boy wanted to date, and almost every other girl wanted a piece of me or a handful of my hair. The best way to describe my high school years is to compare it with hell. It felt like I was walking on fire for four years. But somehow, I made it. And now I have the scars to show for it. Even though there are not any physical scars, it feels like it sometimes.

I had some good times at school. It was not a complete nightmare; but I wish I could change the past, but that’s impossible. The only thing I could do is write about it, hoping deep within my heart that it would touch another young woman. And I pray with faith and hope that I can touch just one person. I wish I can help millions of women with my story. I hope they can learn from me, so they don’t have to feel like their souls are on fire while they walk in this inhospitable world.

Just like the rest of us, I have a lot of regrets, but three of them are like, they are part of me forever. I have heard people say things get better with time. Well, this pain and all my regrets feel heavier with each passing day. I have carried my pain for years, and it has kept me on my feet and not in a good way. It’s like it doesn’t matter what I do in life. It’s like those three secrets are part of me. And yes, I had managed to hide it. And for the most part, I had done a good job at concealing it from the people in my life. I act like it never happened, but it did. I have learned to live with it, but I must tell you that my secrets have been too bitter to try to sweeten them up. I once asked God to take me from this world the moment I became a bitter person. I refuse to be mad at the world and at myself for my own mistakes, so I do try to find the good in things and people, just to help me pass the time while I share this world with others.

When I speak to someone from high school, one of the first things out of their mouth is, You were so sweet. I can’t help but laugh quietly while I listen to them describe me. I wonder why God allows this to happen. It’s like He wants me to know how sweet I was. Maybe He wants me to be the sweet girl who almost everyone remembers but me. I know a lot of people can’t relate to this, but high school made me the woman I am today. I must say that I had a hard life, but if it was not for the things I did in high school, I would have a different life today.

I’m going to take you back to my first day of class, to that painful day when my life was about to change for the worst, and I did not know it. If I could change the clock back, I think I would. That’s why I’m glad God is the one in control and not me. Because it’s hard to try to hide the sun with one finger. There is good in me, probably more than I can imagine, but I wish I could have remained untouched. Things are better off when life just happens naturally without people trying to reshape it. That was the case with me. There were too many people involved in my life, telling me what to do and how to do it. I became a child of the system by age eleven. One minute, I was living with my parents, and the other, with my father’s family in New York City. It all happened so fast. My journey to New York cost me my heart, my soul, and I even lost myself. But it took years before I realized I was living a lie. I allowed my life to consume me in a mysterious way. I thought I had it all figured out until I hit the floor and tasted the ground. You hear stories of people hitting the ground. Well, after I hit rock bottom for the third time in my life, I began to believe that it was normal to be at the bottom.

When I was comfortable living the basic life, things went from bad to worse, and my life took a dark turn. It took me to be broken on top of being almost lifeless, for me to find some courage to fight back and to try to figure out what was left of my life. However, life has never been fair to me; but I’m no angel. I have done my part to ruin my own life. Now you know that I have something to tell you, but before I tell you my story, I’m going to ask you to have an open mind and try to be mindful when it’s your turn to judge me. I have been so hard on myself for the last twenty years of my life, but I also have protected myself from the unwanted opinions of others. I know one thing: I don’t want you to feel pity for me; I just want your respect.

Ninth Grade (1999–2000)

There were two types of students: the day students and the students who lived and went to school on the campus. Half of us didn’t own a dollar to our name. But, baby, we didn’t look broke. I was never a major fashionista. My shape helped me. A tight shirt and jeans were my go-to outfit, and day after day, I continued to make a statement with my simple style. I needed little to stand out from the rest of the girls. I have been getting my nails done by a Chinese nail technician since seventh grade. So, by the time I was thirteen, people were used to seeing me with my nails done. Every two weeks, I got my hair done as well. The plan was, when I walked to class on my first day, I’d stand out from the rest. Even though I was a foster child, I didn’t want to look like one.

Once I was in the correct class, I realized I was in an all-boys class all over again. There were only two girls: me and another chick. This was not something good. In my eighth-grade class, there were only three girls: Jenny, Shannan, and me. And the school year was almost a nightmare. The ratio of girl to boy was uneven, and I was the girl who every other boy wanted to pick on. You will think a girl will get used to always being the primary attention, but I knew they didn’t mean any harm. We all needed to kill eight hours of being bored, and I was glad to help with that. But I’m not going to lie. I didn’t want to go through the same situation all over again as a high school student, but that was out of my control.

There were a lot of familiar faces as well as new faces. I was not sure if this was a good thing. When everyone was in the class and the teacher was ready to start, the boys didn’t want to settle down. They kept talking over the teacher. He tried to talk over us, but it didn’t work.

Me being who I am, outspoken and ready for anything, I said, Can you all please shut up so the teacher can start the class?

A rude boy with braids, who was wearing a white T-shirt with a jersey on top and blue jeans, said, Who are you talking to?

I said, I’m talking to you and everyone who keeps talking over the teacher.

He said, Say another word to me and I will punch you in your fucking mouth.

I said, Oh, really, come and punch me then.

He looked at his friend and started to walk toward me, but his friend said, Chill, she’s a girl.

The boy said, I don’t care if she is a boy or a girl; don’t start anything, and it won’t be anything.

I said, Listen, this is a school, not the hood, so behave like a student, and there won’t be no problems.

When he heard me talking about the hood, he really wanted to fight me. Nathan told him, Chill, man, this is your first day here. You don’t know anyone here. We are not going to let you fight her. She is one of us. She is my best friend.

The boy said, Fuck you and your best friend. You and your best friend can get it.

I said, Shut up. You are not going to do shit. Talk is cheap.

He then ran to hit me, but they stopped him. The teacher tried to take control of the situation, but it was not working. The hallway assistant, Mr. Grant, came in and said, If I hear another word, everyone will stay in for lunch and a bologna sandwich will be on everyone’s menu.

We all stopped talking, and the teacher continued to take attendance. The boy kept giving me a nasty look, like he was ready to fight at any moment. His height didn’t alarm me. I knew the bigger they were, the harder they fell. I was sitting down by then. I was already cooling off. He didn’t get to me, he didn’t make me jump, not for even a second. While he was mad as hell, I was chilling. I could almost see the smoke coming out of him. I knew I made an enemy on my first day of class, and he looked like he knew how to fight. While he kept giving me his fighting looks, I kept it cool and classy. I went from acting like I was a professional fighter to acting like a princess. I could go from zero to hundred in less than a second, but I also knew how to act like a lady at any given time. As I started paying attention to the teacher, I left him alone. I was not going to let his dirty looks ruin the rest of my day. This was my first day in high school and I almost got my ass whipped. I knew he had a better chance of winning the fight, but he was going to have one eye left, because if I didn’t have time to punch him one good time, I was going to make sure I poke one eye out with my one-inch nail. The boy was sure he was going to whip my ass, and I was one hundred percent sure he was going to see with only one eye. He did not know what was on my mind. He had it all figured out, but the part where he was getting his eye poked out.

After a few days, the teacher quit. We went to class and there was no teacher. We were acting like we were children of the jungle. There were no rules or laws to keep. We turned on the TV after nine o’clock. We had realized they had forgotten all about us. I was eating my candies. The boys were trying to rap. They had a rap competition going on while I sat back and watched. Shadi was as quiet as a hidden mouse with his jean jacket over his head. When the boys stopped rapping, Andre and Prince went from trying to be rappers to wanting to be bullies. They went over to where Shadi had his head on the table and his jean jacket over his head.

Prince said, He’s gay. He got more moves than a supermodel; he switched his hips better than Wendy.

I said, Leave him alone. He is not bothering anyone.

Prince said, We don’t want no gay guy in our class.

I said, This is everyone’s class, including his, so leave him alone.

Shadi didn’t say a word. I was doing all the talking on his behalf. Andre tried to take the jean jacket off his head, but Shadi was holding it tight. I tried to push Andre away. Shadi was holding onto his jean jacket like his life depended on it. When Andre could not take off the jean jacket, his friend Prince helped him; as they were both pulling, I was trying to pull back the jacket away from them. It was two against one.

Andre said, When I’m done here, I’m going to fuck you up, since you want to be a real-life hero.

I said in a loud voice, Bring it on. I should have slapped the crap out of you the first day of class. When you said, you were going to fuck me up. I continued, You want to come to my school, trying to run it. It’s not going down like that.

Andre and Prince were able to take off the jacket away from him. Shadi fell to the floor. I tried to help him up, but he got back up on his own. The boys were throwing Shadi’s jacket from person to person like it was a basketball. Shadi was trying to get his jacket back. I was also trying to get it back, but it kept going around the classroom. I gave up trying to catch it, as the jacket flew in the air. Shadi was getting mad. He was ready to fight. He tried to get loud, but the louder he got, the more they kept playing with him. They were acting like we were in the park and not in a classroom. They kept calling him names as they threw his jacket in the air. Shadi was able to get his jacket, but they all tried to take it back from him. Shadi began screaming because they were hurting him. I tried to get in the middle again. I was able to get Nathan off him. Kenneth backed off when Shadi started yelling for help. I tried to pull Andre away from Shadi, but he was too strong for me. So, I started pulling on his hair. He let go of Shadi’s jacket and was ready to fight me for the second time.

But then Kenneth said, Over my dead body; stay away from Wendy.

Andre started talking like a girl, She pulled my hair.

I laughed at him. When he saw me laughing, he said, You think this is funny? One day your security guys won’t come to school, and on that day, I will beat your ass to the point where you will never want to fight another person in your life.

I looked at him like his words didn’t mean anything to me, and I said, I feel sorry for you. You like to pick on people who you know can’t fight, but you got me twisted. I was not scared of him, but I felt safer to have Kenneth and Nathan by my side.

Andre continued and said, No, I’m going to knock you out on the floor.

I said, I’m so scared.

He laughed and said, Okay, one day you will be. Keep playing with me; sooner rather than later, you are going to find out.

I said, I wanted to fight you from the first day of class, but now I just want to step on you as if you were a roach. Everyone laughed, including his friend Prince.

Andre took off his shirt and said, Whoever tries to stop me from knocking this girl out on the floor is going to get it. He started throwing his hands in the air and walking toward me. Camelo and Kenneth tried to pull him back, but this time around, he was coming after me with force. The boys could not hold him back.

Sheila said, You see, Wendy, that’s what you get for not minding your own business. She moved out of the way.

When Andre got close to me, I quickly pushed a table between me and him. He tried to throw a punch but could not reach. Nathan came behind him and tried to choke him. He tried to get Nathan off him. His friend tried to punch Nathan in the face, but I blocked the punch with my hand. I was so close to Andre; he was able to grab me. He only had one free hand, so I was able to pull away from him. We were all fighting at the same time. Shadi was hiding behind Camelo. I was trying to help Nathan. Kenneth was trying to pull Nathan off Andre.

When the staff came to see what was going on, the room didn’t look like a class anymore. The tables and chairs were everywhere. The class looked like a mess. When Mr. Grant and Mr. Hart came in, they tried to break the fight. The principal came in behind them to see why we were making so much noise. When she saw what was going on, she called for some additional help. The hallway staff came in and broke up the fight. They made us clean up the room and put the tables and chairs where they belonged.

When the principal asked where the teacher was, Sheila said, No one showed up today.

The principal could not believe the news. She tried to play it off, but she could not hide her facial expression. She picked up her walkie talkie and requested the secretary to send Ms. Rouse to the classroom. When Ms. Rouse came, she told her to stay with us in the classroom until she figured out what happened to the teacher. She looked at us, then looked at Mr. Grant, and asked him to request sandwiches for us for lunch.

And said, Let them stay in for lunch for the rest of the week.

We didn’t say a word. She looked like she was mad. The rest of the day went by without Andre and me going at it. Andre left me alone, and I forgot all about him. You know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. Before the end of the school day, the principal came back and asked if she could speak with us for a few minutes. The teacher’s assistant told her, Sure, and went to sit at the teacher’s desk.

The principal walked to the center of the class, and said, Tomorrow, there will be a different teacher. Everyone will move to another classroom on this floor but three doors down. I want you to come to this class tomorrow and the teacher and the teacher’s assistant will pick you up from here and take you to the new classroom. Ms. Rouse is going to stay as the assisting teacher. The teacher will introduce herself to you all. She is not new to the school, but she will be your teacher for the remainder of this school year. I don’t want to hear any more problems coming from this class. I’m expecting each of you to behave like future A+ students. I will keep my eyes and ears open; if there are any fights like the one from earlier, I will suspend everyone if I must, even the campus students.

She kept on talking. I stopped paying attention to her. I had it with the blah, blah, blah. We were bad students, but for the teacher to quit during the first week of school made us look pathetic. He didn’t even let the principal know that he quit. He didn’t even say goodbye to us. When the principal left, Ms. Rouse started preaching too.

She said, This is the beginning of the school year. It could still be a remarkable year if you want it to be.

We all agreed to behave, but we also knew this was a lie. We wanted Ms. Rouse to back off and let us be. The next day, we had a new teacher and a new class schedule. We had gym two times per week. Since I have two medical conditions, asthma and a heart murmur, I was exempt from participating in extreme sport. My only duty was to report to class and look as pretty as a picture.

When we went to the gym class, there was an older class there. It was like the principal made up a schedule for us, since they forgot we were even alive. We were freshmen students, sharing a gym class with senior students. We were little puppies, not even potty-trained yet, in a class with a lot of fully developed pit bulls.

Daniel was playing basketball with the big