On the Inside Looking Out

By Linda Wilson

It is an autobiography into the life of a family faced with the trials and tribulations of a young couple trying to do the best for their family and to give them the advantage they missed growing up. They never expected what lay before them or the future that was about to unfold.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9781662458286

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On the Inside Looking Out

Linda Wilson

Copyright © 2023 Linda Wilson

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2023

ISBN 978-1-6624-5827-9 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-6624-5828-6 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Dedication

Preface

Growing Up in Southern West Virginia

I Met Roger

The Ring

The Early Years

Our First House and Our Second Little Girl

We Move to North Carolina

The Buffalo Creek Flood

New Job, New House, New Baby

My Husband Becomes Disabled

Jennifer at Five

Lisa Diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome and School Phobia

Learning Dianna Was Ill

Genetic Testing Done on My Siblings

Finding a New Home

Experiencing Strange Events in Our New House

Dianna Sees the Lady in White

The Nurses Start to See Things and Ask Questions

At the Young Age of Twenty-Six, Dianna Is Placed on the Ventilator

That Fatal Day

Lisa's Ordeal and Her Uncanny Knowing Ability

Lisa Placed on the Ventilator

Lisa Came Home

Roggie's Birthday with Jeff and Peewee

Roggie Growing Weaker

Taking Roggie to His Regular Doctor (Dr. Mullen)

Taking Services from Lisa

Roger Comes Home on the Vent

Roggie Passes Away

Lisa Passes Away

About the Author

Have you ever wondered what your life would have been like if you had made different choices? If the paths you've taken went in a different direction, where would you be, or what would you be doing now? I guess everyone ponders these questions sometimes in their lives. One thing for certain is that we can't change the past. We can only try to remember the good experiences and allow them to take precedence over the bad ones. We must remember not to stay in this place for long. The past doesn't exist anymore, and the future hasn't happened. There is only now. My daughter used to say that the illness that ravaged her body made her feel as if she was on the inside looking out. Sometimes in my grief, I feel as though my body is a house where my eyes are the windows looking out at others living out their lives. I feel so alone in my suffering, but I have a choice.

Do I stay on the inside looking out, or do I choose to live in the now, enjoy, and be grateful for the good things in my life? It isn't an easy decision, but it has to be made.

Dedication

To the memory of my children Dianna Lynn, Lisa Jane, and Roger Wayne Wilson II. To my daughter Jennifer and the gift of two beautiful granddaughters, Kate and Jane. To my special great-granddaughters Peyton and Sadie, for without them, life wouldn't hold much meaning. They give me a reason to go on and to try and make this a better world. My sincere hope is that someone may read our story and realize that you have more courage than you think and are stronger than you believe you are.

I also want to give recognition to the parents of sick and disabled children. I know the sacrifice and the heartbreak of caring for these children. I know the financial burden and worry from day to day—the stress and struggles of trying to maintain some sort of normalcy, while trying to be strong for them. You are heroes—never forget this. Love is our foundation and our strength. Their physical bodies have been taken from us, but their spirits live on. Nothing can kill, steal, or destroy their beautiful memories that live in our hearts. My desire is that anyone that has lost a child might be helped by reading our family's experience and realize they are not alone.

Preface

It's midmorning. I'm sitting on my glassed-in back porch, enjoying the warmth of the sun coming through the glass. The power of the sun has warmed the entire room, making me forget the cold outside. It's comforting to be warm and cozy while watching the chilly wind as it blows through the trees, making the leaves look as though they are dancing. The beauty of the mountains in the background rising up to meet a clear blue sky, with clouds disguised as large cotton balls floating by, gives a sense of peace and beauty.

There was a period in my life when I couldn't or didn't want to see any of this. Nothing comforted me or gave me any peace. I was numb from grief. Grief is a very lonely place. It makes you sick and oblivious to everyone and everything. It changes you as a person, and it is very difficult to come back from. Death is a devastating event in anyone's life, but the death of a child is different, and only a parent can understand this. The emotions can't be explained in words; they are unreasonable and erratic at times. It's like trying to drag yourself out of a dark pit, at times getting halfway out just to fall back in again.

When you hear the doctor tell you that your child is ill, you never allow yourself to think of the worst. You think, How do we make this better? How do we fix this? No parent can allow the thought of losing a child to enter their mind. You cannot prepare for it. You cannot even imagine life without your child. It goes against everything you think and believe. It is unnatural for parents to outlive their children. The thought of losing a child is terrifying. You do everything in your power to save them. You pray and beg God to intervene. With no results, you lose faith, and you get angry. The range of emotions is almost unbearable. The pain and loneliness of grief are debilitating at times. Anyone who has never suffered this loss can never understand it, and there are no words that are adequate. You feel so alone in your sorrow. You cry out in the middle of the night for answers, and you are left empty. The helplessness and fear that grip your soul are indescribable. Then morning comes, and once again I gain control and start the day of caring for my children, never allowing them to see the fear or heartbreak and helplessness I am feeling. I must give them hope and security. You know they looked to you for strength and comfort. This is hard to maintain while you're watching their condition get worse. Somehow you find the strength to do it for them.

After watching the suffering and deterioration of my children, I began to question myself about wanting them to stay with me no matter what. I thought, Am I being selfish to want them to live this horrible existence? Am I thinking more of my feelings? Should