If I Only Knew

By Kim Simmons

This book is about overcoming adversity. This is about how believing that God is in control and that we are here for His purpose and not ours. I want women especially to know that no matter what you can succeed. you my even feel like the odd man (women) out. But its not about being odd its about being an eagle flying over other birds. Remembering that you are an eagle. Knowing that being different is ok. Relax and ask God each and every day what he want you to do with your life. Relax. Relax. Relax. Everything will fall into place. People (family and friends) will thing your crazy. Just remember that in Bible days people thought noah was crazy for building the ark.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 3, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483519494

Book preview

me.

MY CHILDHOOD

Chapter one

Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever.

Isaiah 61:7 msg

I remember it like it was yesterday the taste of urine in my mouth. The corner’s of my mouth cracking. My mouth was small for a child. He was my cousin. I was a baby. What did he see in a little girl. I had forgotten about it for so many years. I remembered one day while walking down the street. My mind had blocked it out and suddenly It just came back to me. I started crying in the street that day. They say the mind blocks out what it can’t handle. Should I tell my family now? What good would it do? Would they believe me?

That incident was the beginning of my assault. The assault to my self-esteem and the destruction of me. The me changed after that but I didn’t know it then. He was my older cousin Lewis (about 17 years old). The family loved him. My childhood was gone forever.

Did he know that? Did he care? He didn’t hit me rather his actions decayed me from within. My soul was empty. I didn’t know how much it had done to me until now at age 47.

This happened 40 years ago. There was no healing period.

I found out that women who have been molested, usually have abusive relationships with men. Men who are unable to or just won’t commit. The same type of man each time with a different name and face. You will blame yourself for not choosing better. That’s if you don’t get the help that is needed. Talk to a therapist or a counselor. Don’t be ashamed. You need someone who won’t judge you.

I learned to start trusting myself. Trust my feelings.

Girls also need a good male role model to show them how to be treated by a man. You don’t want to be used by men. You want to show yourself confident and strong.

Is he selfish? Or is he selfless? Does he care about your feelings? Does he put you first? Think about those things.

As a child It seemed like no one cared to see me. I was not important. I wanted someone to see me and hug me. Maybe say you are OK. You are smart. An occasional I love you would have been nice. But as an adult I realize people can only do what they are able to do. I took my life in my own hands. And God has truly blessed me.

MY COUSIN

Chapter two

Jesus said, you’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do…..

John 9:3 msg

…Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked.

Psalms 3:7 NIV

This cousin who molested me seemed to like all kids (boys and girls). One day I was talking to my brother and he told me that the same cousin that molested me played with his penis while he was in the bathtub. What was wrong with him? What other children had he preyed on? We were all at Lewis’ wedding. He grew up, got married, had 4 children, girls nonetheless.

I do know that he was the pride and joy of the family. He served 20 years in the military. He travel all over the world. But Where was his soul? Who was he? Did he believe in God

I remember the coldness of the act he committed. It’s the same coldness I felt in some of the relationships I had with men. We often repeat what we have experienced. If it is abuse, we will continue to experience abuse until we recognize it and heal from