from Torment To Triumph: "Searching for a Love That Was Always There”

By Carolyn Pendleton

A story of a young woman’s search for love; after being abused by both her mother and father throughout her childhood, her feelings of loneliness, pain and confusion consumed her and led her into a destructive lifestyle. As she searched for someone to love her, she only seemed to find her life going in a downward spiral of despair. She found money, men and drugs to be temporary fixes to fill the void she was missing. As she went through a cycle of abusive relationships, she always find herself back where she started, lonely and unloved.

After a number of unfortunate events, she was forced to look within herself and discover not only a beauty within her, but also the love of God. Through God's grace and love she managed to escape every situation she was faced with, even though some could have killed her. Her search for love and acceptance from people was no longer a necessity as she went “From Torment to Triumph

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Mar 27, 2013
• ISBN: 9780578121789

Book preview

Amen!

Chapter 1

Keeping Secrets

Creeping in my room while everyone one was asleep, as I was barely awake with one eye slightly open, he whispered shhhh with his finger over his mouth. A large jar of petroleum jelly without a lid sat on my dresser. He took his hands and scooped out about three fingertips full, he hovered over me, using one hand to pull down my panties and the other to lubricate me with the Vaseline. His hands were nervously shaking and his breathing was intense. All I could remember hearing was heavy panting in my ear and being almost smothered by this big man on top of me whispering in my ear, Do what I do. He was referring to my hips, telling me to move my hips as he was. But I just laid there and cried. I was five, and even though I knew there was something wrong with what he was doing, I knew I had to listen because he was my father. When he would see me crying, he threatened that if I told anyone, he would kill me. I guess my tears got him a little nervous, but it became an almost every night event. I knew that if I was in bed, there was a possibility that he would come in and have sex with me when no one was around. Most nights I would wake up to his big, sweaty body on me. It was just disgusting to me. I hated it but I loved him. Sounds weird right? But I was five-years-old.

It continued for a few years which seemed kind of strange because we lived in a house with a lot of people. I didn't know how no one knew what was happening. I wanted someone to make it end but no one did. And I couldn't tell anyone because he threatened to kill me. I would pray that someone would just read my mind and just listen to what I was thinking so that I wouldn't have to say anything. At some point someone did find out because I remember going to the hospital for a vaginal examination, but no one asked me anything and nothing was done. A few years later when we no longer lived in the same house, I do recall that he wasn't allowed to see us. My family was so secretive. I could always hear whispers among the adults but still, no one helped me. I wasn't going to tell voluntarily but I made up in my mind that if anyone asked, I would tell the truth.

During the time he wasn't able to see us, I recall my eighth birthday. I was sitting in my third grade class and my teacher told me that I had a surprise. My eyes brightened and I was excited as any other third grader would be on their birthday. My teacher gave me a pass to go to the office but as soon as I left out of the classroom door, he was there, standing outside of my classroom. I hadn't seen him in a while and my heart dropped to the floor. I didn't know for sure that he wasn't able to see us. I had only assumed because of all of the whispering and secrets within my family and the fact that we had moved out of that house with all of our family into my maternal grandmother's house. Even at 8-years-old, I knew something wasn't right about him coming to see me at my school instead of my house.

He gave me the birthday gift which was a night gown, very pretty, pink with ruffles. I opened it in front of him only because he told me to. My feeling was numb and cold. I wasn't scared because I knew he couldn't do anything to me in school but I also felt numb because I wasn't happy to see him because he was the monster that had taken my virginity. Our visit lasted about ten minutes and before he left he gave me a hug. As I turned to go back into my classroom he whispered, Did you tell anyone our secret? I immediately said, No..... All while choking back my tears. Then he reminded me in a whisper as I broke free from his hug, Don't forget, if you tell anyone, I will kill you. That was a familiar threat that I hadn't heard in a while but the memory of it was still chilling. I immediately went to my desk and laid my head down so that no one could see me crying. I pulled myself together rather quickly because I didn't want anyone to think that something was wrong, especially my teacher. I was really good at hiding my feelings. I just transferred tears into an all out smile in a matter of seconds.

I found out later the reason he wasn't able to see us was because he was accused of molesting another very close relative.

As time went on, we were still able to maintain a relationship with him (which I never understood). When I was in either 5th or 6th grade, he lived close to the middle school I attended in the Germantown section of Philadelphia. He lived in an apartment with his girlfriend who had also mothered three of his kids.

We visited my father and his other family often, and since he was with a woman and I was also a little older, I felt no threat of him trying anything with me again. Even though I would have flashbacks every now and then but, I wouldn't mention it. I recall once spending the night over there. He had some friends over and they were all drinking. One of his friends had a little brother, probably about sixteen or seventeen years old. All of the adults left and I was there alone with this boy. There was no reason for me to be afraid or anything, so I wasn't but then he attempted to take off my clothes. I was startled, but it was not going to go down. He wasn't forceful, but he was persistent and surprised that I was saying no and it was not going to happen. I grabbed whatever I could to hit him with (never even thinking to run out of the door). He was wondering why I was fighting him off for trying to take my clothes off. Then he said, Your dad said it was okay!

Even though I know there was a possibility that could be true. I accused him of lying. Even though he (my dad) had had sex with me when I was younger, I wouldn't have thought he would want someone else to do it. I let the boy know that it wasn't okay and he no longer pursued me. We sat in silence on opposite ends of the sofa for the rest of the evening.

The adults eventually returned even more intoxicated than they were when they left. My father walked over to the boy and asked him if he was okay, then high fived him. I looked at him in disbelief but never spoke of it and still continued to visit. I always wanted to warn his girlfriend and especially since she had daughters. But there was never really a chance to do it because when we were there, he was always around.

Near the apartment where he lived, there was a school and a playground directly across the street. He instructed me to take my little sisters to the playground. It was obvious that he and his girlfriend were about to have sex because he told her to go into the bedroom and she did without any question. She was dumb, kind of naive and easy to control. She would immediately do whatever he said do, when he said do it.

We were instructed not to come back in the house until someone told us to. Shortly, she came across the street which was surprising to me because she never joined us in the playground. I was glad though and felt this was my opportunity to warn her and let her know what he had done to me so that she could try to protect my sisters. I knew she didn't have enough sense to call DHS or the police to report him. I just wanted her to protect my little sisters, but her response to what I told her was, He loves them and he would never do anything like that to them. WOW. I was only about 11 years old at that time but I really wanted to curse her out. Instead I just said, Okay, if you think so. I am sure now, she wishes she had listened and regrets ever saying that to me.

Since I was older he was no longer able to molest me. Even though I was still afraid of him, he knew it wasn't going to work anymore.

I constantly had thoughts of killing him. I think if I was able to I would have. Even though he did these things to me, for