Presence of Heart

By Mary Huhn

I am writing this book because I am an experienced therapist who at the age of 75 is no longer considering retirement because I love what I do, and I love my clients. Also, I am a human being who has personally experienced the pain I have seen in my clients. I have been in their chair. I have changed my life and become healthier, happier, successful and have accepted my goodness and know that I am loved and worthwhile. I KNOW that many of my clients have also done these things. YOU can do the same. If you read this book, I hope you will see some of your struggles, needs and wants in those I recount. I hope you will use the tools I have used for myself and others to get better, happier, more peaceful, and successful in how you choose to live your life, that you choose to live happy, healthy and well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mary Huhn
• Release date: Feb 21, 2023
• ISBN: 9781959820154

Mary Huhn

Mary Huhn is a clinical therapist, who has been helping her clients to accept and love themselves for almost 35 years. Her passion is to help people give up self-judgment and see themselves through the eyes of someone who loves them. This is her first book and she is excited to share her journey to seeing herself as “good enough” as well as sharing some of her clients’ journeys. Mary is the mother of three and grandmother of four.

Book preview

About Author

Mary Huhn is a clinical therapist, who has been helping her clients to accept and love themselves for almost 35 years. Her passion is to help people give up self-judgment and see themselves through the eyes of someone who loves them. This is her first book and she is excited to share her journey to seeing herself as good enough as well as sharing some of her clients’ journeys. Mary is the mother of three and grandmother of four.

This book is dedicated to my therapist and longtime mentor; to my children, Susan, Tom and Dan; to my grandchildren, Griffin, Solana, Braylen and Harper; and to all my clients.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you to all the people who have asked me to write this book. Your encouragement has been astonishing. Thanks also to those who gave their expert advice and time to help improve my writing. Last but not least, thank you very much to all those who have supported, encouraged, and given their time to help bring this book to reality. It has truly been a labor of love.

Table of Content

Chapter # 1: TRUTH and AWARENESS: THE FIRST STEP

Chapter # 2: FALSE EVIDENSE APPEARING REAL

Chapter # 3: EMOTIONAL WOUNDEDNESS

Chapter # 4: EMOTIONAL HONESTY

Chapter # 5: ACCEPTING YOUR INNER CHILD

Chapter # 6: METHODS FOR FINDING YOURSELF

Chapter # 7: GIVING UP BAD FEELINGS AND FAIRY TALES

Chapter # 8: FACING FEAR

Chapter # 9: OLD SCRIPTS, NEW CHOICES, NEW LIVES

Chapter # 10: BREAKING THE HABIT OF SELF-SABOTAGING BEHAVIORS

Chapter # 11: DANGEROUS SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS

Chapter # 12: THE NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE AND SELF-COMPROMISE

Chapter # 13: LIVING MY BEST LIFE

PRESENCE OF HEART

PREFACE

I am writing this book because I am an experienced therapist who at the age of 75 is no longer considering retirement because I love what I do, and I love my clients. Also, I am a human being who has personally experienced the pain I have seen in my clients. I have been in their chair. I have changed my life and become healthier, happier, successful and have accepted my goodness and know that I am loved and worthwhile. I KNOW that many of my clients have also done these things. YOU can do the same. If you read this book, I hope you will see some of your struggles, needs and wants in those I recount. I hope you will use the tools I have used for myself and others to get better, happier, more peaceful, and successful in how you choose to live your life, that you choose to live happy, healthy and well.

Chapter # 1.

TRUTH and AWARENESS: THE FIRST STEP

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. E.G. Hubbard

This chapter will look at the lies that keep us repeating old, unhealthy, unwanted behaviors. It shows the connection between what we tell ourselves and how we feel because of those messages. It also gives methods of changing our level of awareness and our thoughts so that our feelings about ourselves and the world become more observation instead of judgment.

MY FIRST STEPS

During therapy I learned to distinguish the voices speaking inside my head. Initially, they sounded like my own voice. Soon, I began to realize that I was repeating the voices of authority figures from my past, especially my parents. Often, those voices shamed, criticized and rejected me. They were lies that I accepted as truth because I had heard them and repeated them so much. Repetition of a lie does not make it a truth, but our brain does not realize this. Our brain will accept what is familiar whether it is the truth or a lie.

My therapist, Dr. Davidson, helped me to recognize these voices as coming from the Critical Parent Ego State (a construct from Transactional Analysis and Eric Berne). I learned that these messages were about the past and had nothing to do with who I am today. I have been a grown up for many years and I could choose to stop being the hurt, scared child of yesterday. I no longer need a parent, especially a critical one.

I learned to distinguish what is true from what is simply an inherited voice, a damaging message that is not healthy or true, even though often stated by the family. I learned that I could refuse to accept the message from the past and to replace it with a truth about myself. I learned that I was strong enough to accept the truth.

Each day was a new opportunity to define myself as the person I wanted to be. Anything I was yesterday, that I didn't like about myself today, I could choose to change. For example, being manipulative, overly dramatic, or even negative was something that could be changed, by self-awareness and self-accountability. When I learned that I had choice, I was able to choose to be a better me. I made significant changes in my self-talk and eventually in my behaviors toward myself and others.

GAYLE’S STORY

I witnessed a similar dynamic with a client named Gayle. She had internalized her parents’ voice saying You exist to please others. Your only value is to be a do-er, a people pleaser. This message was very damaging to Gayle’s relationship with friends. Because the message was deeply ingrained in her, Gayle could not believe that she brought any value to her relationships, except through doing for others. She would often put herself in jeopardy by over-extending herself time wise, financially, or energy-wise to get the acceptance she longed for from others. She would be the first to offer help, head up a committee or run a fund raiser. She described herself as a praise junkie. She needed praise like an addict needs his drugs or an over eater needs food. Gayles’s acceptance of herself depended on praise.

After a while, she grew bitter and resentful because others were not doing the same for her and the long sought-after praise was short-lived. It was not worth all the time, energy, and effort she had to put in to get it. No one was asking her if they could do anything to please her. They were not jumping to help her out or to make her life easier. Her self-perception became more critical and rejecting. She felt stupid and embarrassed about her past behaviors. She decided to protect herself form any more emotional pain.

Gayle started finding fault with her friends and slowly pushed them away one by one. She justified her behaviors by telling herself that she had to give too much to maintain these relationships. She believed that if she bent over backwards to please others, they would do the same for her. When they didn’t, Gayle decided that having no friends was safer and easier than continuing to knock herself out to please them. Even though her friends were thankful to Gayle, it was not gratifying for her. She continued to feel that she was being slighted and taken for granted. The feeling of being good enough was always just one more people pleasing behavior away from her. Gayle decided she wanted some help to understand why she saw things the way she did. She decided to see a therapist.

Gayle was doing what many of us do, automatically accepting the thoughts that come into our heads without questioning them or insisting on proof that they are valid. She was also looking for her value and worthiness to be determined by others, instead of believing in herself. Gayle learned to question what she was telling herself and ask for definite proof of truth. She was able to see what the truth was verses what was automatic thinking. With a notable change in her internal self-messages, Gayle was able to see herself as more than a doer for others. She was able to see herself as a good friend; a smart, caring woman; and someone people liked for who she was more than what she did for them.

These qualities were always present, but Gayle could not see herself honestly because of all the negative, self-rejecting messages she repeated daily. Messages that were given to her when she was young, and she accepted without question. Changing her internal dialogue changed how she felt about herself and how she felt about others and their love for her. She was able to accept compliments and invitations without feeling an unhealthy need to do something to earn it, and she was able to let other do things for her. As she slowly came to accept that others saw her as more than someone they could use, her bitterness and need to protect herself emotionally went away. Today Gayle is a happy, self-assured, talented friend to many. She has accepted herself on her terms and not terms set up for her during her childhood. She defines herself as she is today, not by words from yesterday.

FINDING TRUTH ANE SELF-ACCEPTANCE

Most of my life, finding the truth has been important to me. My truth was not easy to find. Often, I was willing to tell others what was wrong with me, but telling them about my good, strong self often felt like boasting or even lying.

I’m not sure how all the lies got into my head, but by the time I was in junior high, I pretty much hated who I was and everything about me. I was my harshest critic and most severe judge. I measured up to no one. I felt true shame about who I was. Worst of all, I believed everyone else was judging me as harshly as I was.

Self-judgment is crippling for many of us. I had many behaviors that I was not proud of when I was younger. I manipulated people at times; sought pity instead of respect at times; was overly dramatic about things that really did not matter that much to me. Recognizing these unhealthy behaviors and admitting that they were a part of me was very difficult. I felt embarrassment, shame and guilt. Being honest with myself meant that I needed to accept them as part of me. The hard part was accepting them without judging myself, without feeling the need to punish myself.

When we accept only the good parts of our lives, we are not fully accepting ourselves. Self-acceptance is about observing things we have done that cause us shame or guilt and deciding that we are not defined by those behaviors --- we can choose to change. When we accept the things, we don’t like about ourselves, we give up the need to punish ourselves for not being perfect. We also give up the possibility of hurting others because we are feeling bad about ourselves. We accept our humanity. When I look back at the years when I used to manipulate people to get attention, I can either continue to define myself as a manipulator or I can believe in the work I have put into myself to make myself a better person. I can recognize the changes I have made to be a better me. That is neither boasting nor being prideful. It is giving myself credit for my hard work.

Shame and guilt are powerful opponents for self-esteem. Shame is about who we are. Guilt is about our behaviors. Shame is the feeling of being ugly, defective, stupid, worthless, broken. It comes before guilt and stays much longer. Because guilt is about our behaviors, we can change the behavior and give up the guilt. But when we believe that we are worthless, the shame becomes