The Queen Within: Becoming the Woman God Intended

By Lauren D. Pitts

Dr. Lauren Pitts' passion and commitment to turn the adversities of her life into opportunities for others lies at the crux of the journey to fulfill God's purpose for her life as shared in The Queen Within: Becoming the Woman God Intended. The Queen Within is not only the story of Dr. Pitts' life, but more importantly, it is a story of extreme highs, painstaking lows, failures, and the resilience that fueled the major successes in her life. It is a story of intense love, devastating heartbreak, and tenacity to overcome told in a manner purposed to offer hope, education, empowerment, and liberation from the adverse impact of life's raging storms.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 7, 2019
• ISBN: 9781644625156

Book preview

The Foundation

Iwant to address the little sins that so easily beset me. Why did I do things that I just didn’t want to do? Why was I engaging in behaviors totally contrary to what I was taught and new to be wrong? I was going through the motions (thought, deed, and action). You can never lie to God. He knows us better than we know ourselves. I wanted to get to a place where I knew myself as well as God knows me. Was that unrealistic? Even though I felt like I knew myself better than anyone else, some days I felt alienated from myself, if that makes sense. Most of the time, I could convey exactly how I felt. I was certainly clear on what I wanted and didn’t want (or so I thought) and thought what I needed was clear. So now it was time for soul-searching. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to serve the Lord and be pleasing to God. Even as a little girl, I loved Sunday school, Bible school, and going to church. But growing up, I became extremely rebellious and prided myself much too often on entertaining bad boys. There wasn’t too much that was beneath me. I lied, cheated, stole, controlled, manipulated, deceived, and whored around. I pretty much did it all with little or no remorse. On occasion, I would attempt to muster up morals amid immorality, but it wasn’t very often. My behavior for many years seemed endless, and all the while, I was still going and actively involved in church and knowing that God had so much better in store for me. I had to choose to stop raising hell and rebelling as my favorite pastime.

The Source of It All

Where on God’s green earth had this crazy, immoral behavior come from? I remember reading in the Bible about Paul and how he did the things he ought not to do, and those things he knew he should do, he did not. That was the story of my life. It was and has been a struggle for me to not take matters into my own hands. Things that bothered me bothered me deeply, like feeling totally unloved and abandoned, having no money, bills not being paid, needs not being met, and wants not being fulfilled. There were so very many ways to resolve the issues apart from trusting God. I just couldn’t go out like that; it was morality amid immorality. I just had to stand and believe that God had everything under control. Now don’t get it wrong. My mind raced. I had out-loud conversations to get the enemy off my back. Have you ever been there or done that? Evil and deception was enticing and intriguing. What was the price that would be paid though? Death? Damnation? People not believing in me or being willing to help me when times got hard? The deception looked easier at first glance, but I thought when faced with opposition, standing should be the only option. We must be like a palm tree, strong with tough roots. When life’s adversities come, we may bend under the pressure, but because the roots are so deep and grounded, we cannot be uprooted. Our limbs may even break, but look at it this way—all trees must be pruned in order to stay healthy and grow. Nature does this automatically in the forest, and God does it to us whether we like it or not. We all go through processes of cutting away dead weight in life. Our roots must be grounded in God. We will never be all He wants us to be without Him. We will never fully develop and blossom into who we were predestined to be without the pruning we receive from Him. The awesome thing is He knows we’re a mess, so He meets us where we are and brings us forth in His way and His time. He is gracious, merciful, compassionate, and so gentle with us. We can rest in His warm embrace during life’s greatest trials and at any other time because He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us.

Bound by Traditionalism and Legalism

Some of my views startled me a bit. How I viewed things deeply troubled me. As a young girl growing up in a primarily Christian (Pentecostal/Holiness) environment, many traditions and legalistic views became entrenched in me. In many ways, the traditions and legalism enslaved me in my own mind. I wasn’t who I wanted to be. I became torn between who I was being taught to be and who I was. The result was confusion—confusion about a wide variety of things such as sexuality, marriage, children, spirituality, dreams, surrender, submission, independence, finances, and so much more. We’ll get more into detail about each of these areas a little later. The reality is because of my upbringing, which was very conservative, I adopted a very liberal view, which was the exact opposite of what I had been taught. Liberal is just a very polite way of saying I became very rebellious. My rearing would suggest my liberal thinking was way off base, and this troubled me deeply.

The Revelation of Truth

Remember in the beginning I said that we cannot lie to God. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Well, with that in mind, in the words of the great William Shakespeare, To thine own self be true. This quote had been ringing in my spirit for a while, so I began to assess exactly what it meant. This is what I came up with. Most of us, at a very young age, were taught to tell the truth. Many of us, very early in life, started to lie to ourselves. We told ourselves good lies and bad lies, but the bottom line was that we lied to ourselves. We may have convinced ourselves we became sexually promiscuous at a young age because we just had a high sex drive. We were looking for love in all the wrong places. We may have embraced a fear of abandonment because one or both parents abandoned us, or a relative molested us and nobody did anything about it. We may have felt like we were the black sheep of the family and wouldn’t belong if someone paid us to. Unfortunately, the result in many cases was the same. A pattern of destructive behavior started in our youth. So now we not only lied to ourselves; we lied to others also. We didn’t own our hurt, pain, disappointment, or fears. Very gradually and subtly, we transformed into this person we grew to dislike very much. Often, other people didn’t like us either. We indeed became broken vessels. Then what happened? We started trying to outrun the man or woman in the mirror. How do we get a grip? How do we stop running? What we must do is be truthful about who we are and who we want to be. Guess what, everybody doesn’t like you now, and everybody is not going to like you once you decide to live for yourself instead of for everyone else. Ask me how I know. Now, if you are one of those people who have arrived and have always been in touch with who they are and where they are going, I applaud you, and please feel free to skip this section of the book.

Void of Character

For those of us who are still getting acquainted or reacquainted with ourselves, let’s talk about some things. For example, let’s talk about character. The world is full of people who believe the world revolves around them. You know them; they are the people who call you every day or drop by unannounced and think you are supposed to drop whatever you are doing because they want your undivided attention. Now I don’t know about you, but there is only a select few that I want to talk to every day. For real, let the truth be told, depending on my mood and the kind of day I’m having I might not want to talk to them either! Now let me keep it real, I do talk to God every day. But here in the natural, I’m not feeling people like that. It is irritating when people call you and act like you’re obligated to talk to them. I am not talking about someone who genuinely needs to confide in you or just has something so fantastic to share that it can’t wait. I’m talking about the daily buzz. But check this out—I was taught that it is selfish to blow people off. Do you know I bought that crock of bull for years? I sure did. I had so many people pulling and tugging on me, I thought I was going crazy. I guess the belief system is supported by the golden rule. Me personally, I am not calling someone every day and worrying his or her skin off. So in turn, I don’t think it is rude or inconsiderate to not answer the phone or door when someone blows your phone or doorbell up. It took me years to get a handle on something as simple as this. Pretending to be interested or concerned about what a person is saying is a disservice. As I embrace being true to myself, I no longer pretend. We owe it to people and ourselves to keep it real, no matter what the issue may be. Going through the motions to save face or spare a person’s feelings robs you of your emotional energy. This is not to suggest we should handle people in a mean or insensitive manner. What I’m saying is just don’t front. Despite what I was taught, I don’t think this is a form of control anymore. Don’t we have a right to deal with whomever we want, whenever we want? That isn’t control; it is self-expression.

Another character trait is the tendency to be a loaner. This may not apply to most of you, but I am so anal about who I allow in my face and in my space. I am very particular about whom I allow to occupy my mind and my time. When I am passionate about someone or something, I am truly passionate. This is the deal—a person doesn’t have to agree with my every thought, idea, or position. However, people in my intimate space must at least be in the library and preferably on the same page of the same book. We can be supportive of one another—however, not to the point of self-depletion. If you allow yourself to be surrounded and ultimately infected by negative people, you will ultimately be adversely affected by their toxicity. No one person has achieved success on his or her own. Everybody needs somebody. Hello—your support system must be supportive. Maintaining a servant’s heart is also very important. However, I learned the hard way that people must want to help themselves before anyone else can help them, and helping to the extreme translates into enabling, which is counterproductive. Napoleon Hill calls this the mastermind alliance. The mastermind principle states, The coordination of effort between two or more people in a spirit of perfect harmony to attain a specific objective. Isn’t that awesome? Wow, perfect harmony! This suggests that we need others to be in our corner and to be supportive of our efforts. Guess what? Negative people are not going to be able to handle the job, so keep them out of your face and space. Do not allow them to infect your mind. The people in your support group must embrace your passion even if they don’t have the same degree of passion you do. When I am passionate about something, the passion is evident to everyone around me. When something doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. Both mind-sets are contagious. Don’t allow your obligation or responsibility to someone make you feel guilty about not allowing him or her in your space regularly or to deplete you. People will dog you in the name of love and use the obligation or responsibility to access you so they can beat you down. Don’t you know misery loves company? Well, it does, and sometimes it comes in the form of family and friends. But stay true to yourself, and never ever allow anyone to infect any aspect of your life with negativity. Trust me—in the name of self-preservation, people (whom I love and care about) had to be removed from my life. This next topic, I’m sure, does not apply to any of you, but I thought I would touch on it briefly.

The topic is sin. This wonderful world we live in with all its great communication vehicles has a wide variety of names for it: drug addiction, alcohol abuse, domestic violence, political agenda, pornography, gambling, arrogance, ego, lack of humility, and the list goes on and on. The Bible calls it sin—no more, no less. Did you know there are no degrees of sin? Sin without repentance regardless of the act is going to get us dead (spiritual and, in some instances, a natural death). I had a major sin that kept me falling flat on my face over the years and at times still find coping with it a challenge. The sin is lust, coupled with arrogance and vanity. They are all sin, and they have all served as major downfalls for me. The desire for men and the need to control them sexually had been a struggle for years. This is where I can relate to Paul’s statement in the Bible about doing the things I ought not to do and not doing the things I ought to do. The insane thing is I have committed acts that agonized me the whole time I was engaged in them. You probably have never had that happen to you though. Actually, such behavior was the story of my life for years. Let me share with you a bit.

The Age of Victimization

Casualty 1: At the dawning of my wickedness, hot pursuit was on for the young man who had me wide open for as long as I can remember. Puppy love wasn’t a strong enough definition. The patience I displayed when I wanted something was silent and eerie. Eventually, he would stop viewing me as a little sister. Sure enough, that day came, the day I had patiently waited for for years. He was all in; whatever I wanted, needed, or asked for, it was given with such love and warmth. One of the many things I admired most about him was his unwavering dedication to my growth and development. He wanted God’s absolute best for me and never stopped encouraging me to pursue it. So what did I do? Of course, I ripped him up emotionally. At such a young age, there was no understanding of what was truly wanted or needed to have a successful and lasting relationship with someone who treated me like a queen. My primary focus was on having fun, running the street, and entertaining as many bad boys as I could find. My immature behavior left him broken, devastated, and wondering what on earth he did wrong. He didn’t do anything wrong. He loved me, cared for me, believed in me, and despite my mess, never ever gave up on me. There was even an offer of marriage when he found out I was pregnant by casualty 2. As much as I thought about it, I opted to stay with casualty 2 and declined casualty 1’s marriage proposal and friendship. But the stringing along was present for years. He loved me so much, he allowed me to stay a part of his life on my terms, which proved unhealthy for both of us. Unfortunately, he has faced many struggles over the years, and I feel responsible for some of them. A person can literally be destroyed emotionally because another person insensitively plays with his or her heart. My prayer for him is his return to the beautiful state he was in when he decided initially to spend so much precious time with and on me. It was never my intention to hurt or devastate him emotionally. The realization has come that beyond the shadow of a doubt, he loved me like no other person ever had. It was a love so strong, life was worth living and given new meaning. I thought his was a love to set standards by. Hopefully, he has forgiven me for the despair I caused. He truly is deserving of God’s absolute best.

Casualty 2: Going through the motions and not being true to yourself or others can bring about life-altering circumstances. This brother was the total opposite of every part of my norm—he wasn’t a bad boy. In fact, he was from a good Christian home and was born and bred to be who God created him to be. Because he was nice, from a great family, patient, and persistent, we ended up hooking up. But being with a good boy wasn’t enough for me; I just had to prove yet again how sought after I was. After all, I could mold him and shape him into what my man was supposed to be. I was so foolish that I took advantage of his sincere desire to be with me, and my relationship with him brought to life my "Brady Bunch fantasy. This was the beginning of the double life, so to speak. I wanted to be all in. I wanted the fantasy to be real life, and I really wanted to do better by him; I just didn’t know how. In my mind, I said, This is it. No more bad-girl behavior. This is my chance to have a ‘real’ life." Unfortunately for him, in my twisted mind, it was his job to fulfill my fantasy. When it didn’t happen the way I thought it should, I had no mercy with the things I subjected him to. Returning quickly to the old way of doing things, my mission in life became blaming him for my own inadequacies. I spent several years attacking him emotionally, turning the tables, and blaming him for my negative behavior. I had stopped respecting him (if there ever was any) long ago and had the audacity to be devastated because he stopped showing me any respect. The equivalent benefit of the years of disastrous behavior is our beautiful son. I truly have the very best part of him—a beautiful baby boy (now an amazing young man), my pride and joy, the very best part of him. We have forgiven each other and moved on. We embrace the beauty of our son and agree to not look back. Over the years, despite the craziness, I grew to genuinely love him for being the wonderful person he is. Words cannot explain the remorse I feel for the pain I caused him during those insane days. His inner beauty radiates as he embraces his healing process and begins to walk upright in the fulfillment of his purpose in life. He truly will do all things through Christ who strengthens him (one of his favorite scriptures).

Someone asked me if there was a man occupying my mind and time. I replied yes, too many. Then I began to reflect on why I made the statement. Remember I mentioned previously the desire for superiority over men? Well, too many was an understatement. Thank God, I finally read No More Sheets by Juanita Bynum. My heart was clear on whom and what I wanted, or so I thought. My mind and flesh would fight my spirit and my heart almost every day. More times than not, my mind and flesh would win and get me into predicaments I didn’t want to be in. Have you ever been there, in the exact place and with the exact person you know was going to jam you up? Let me tell you about a few. You already heard about 1 and 2. Marriage even came into play. We’ll call him 3 (my Forrest Gump): The other occupier of my time was the constant thought and memory of my husband. If he had his way, there would not have been a divorce. Never marry someone for any reason other than love. We married twice. My husband was my lover and friend. The first time, we married for a variety of reasons, including so we could have sex and not feel like we were sinning. The second time we were married was for legal convenience. Our marriage was volatile, abusive, and lacked trust in a major way. We both tangoed with demons of addiction to a wide variety of things, including each other, which proved disastrous. Every day and every experience with him wasn’t bad. I once described sexual intimacy with him as hypnotic (not the drink either). Pure paradise would be a pretty accurate description. I could close my eyes and see the sparkle in his eyes, the glow from his smile, the definition of his muscles (the brother is fine), that rich chocolate skin, and a touch so warm, it was—I can’t even find a word. Then I would open my eyes, and reality set back in. Involvement with him could prove fatal for either of us. Going there would be embracing destruction, so I took the easy way out. Divorce was the only viable option, twice. At that time, the other options, as I saw them, were murder, psychiatric ward (for me), or death (for one or both of us). See why I opted for divorce with no communication with him at all? Then the guilt engulfed me. I digressed back to the teachings of my youth. Marriage was supposed to last forever—in sickness and in health, until death, do us part, and you know the rest. How could I have just turned my back on him? If for no other reason, should I have stayed because we had been friends for years prior to marriage? Despite the mess, I truly loved him and just couldn’t get a handle on how to show it. Stories of couples beating the odds and not getting divorced haunted me. Marriages in my own family survived drug addiction, alcohol abuse, domestic battery, infidelity and the like. There are couples who stayed and saw each other through. Is that what in sickness and in health, until death do we part meant? The life I was living was sheer misery, walking daily on eggshells, giving up everything repeatedly. Was being abusive, being abused, and subjecting the children to the insanity