What God Thinks When a Child Dies

By Patty Whitacre

When someone loses someone they love, there is a period of grieving. If the death resulted in the loss of a close or significant relationship, the grieving can be really intense and cause us to blame ourselves or others and even God for the untimely death of our loved one. If that someone was your own child, the questions and what-ifs can be excruciating. If suicide was involved, the questions seem to never end, and guilt and shame can be debilitating. In our grief, we can lose sight of who God is. Based on Scripture, this book is an attempt to help those grieving see God and His character. The Trinity has different roles and characteristics they embody. Interweaved in each section are personal stories of loss and how the Trinity showed up during a time of the unimaginable loss of a child.

After the death of my son, I struggled with praying and reading scriptures. I had a hard time focusing for any length of time, and I didn’t know where to begin reading. God took me on a journey by giving me a topic a day to explore in regard to His character and death, dying, and the care and comfort He has for us as we journey through this dark valley. No one’s journey is exactly alike. No one heals exactly in the same timeframe and way, but God is there with us, individually caring for us to help us find peace where we can continue our own journey till it is our own time to meet Him. We just need to be able to see and recognize Him along the way.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9781638143215

Book preview

The Struggle Is Real and Different from What People See

I got up early and took a nice sunrise beach walk. It wasn’t as long as it could be or what I used to do or even as often as I used to do, but it was longer than some do. Comparison is not a friend. It breeds discontentment. For those who see my beach pictures and that I am out walking, I look like I am doing well. I worked four days straight this week after a period of not working. Then I got up early the next day for a walk. Again, it looks good on the outside, and some make comments about how well I am doing. Yes, to a degree I am doing well. I can compare myself to others and say my journey is farther along than some, maybe not as far as others, but comparisons aren’t helpful; and besides, when we see a small piece of someone’s life, that is it—a small piece.

A Facebook roll of someone’s life is normally the better, brighter moments. At the very least, it is a few select moments of any given day and not the whole of life. Most people’s life is sprinkled with happy family times and also with the not-as-pleasant family struggles. Every life has the good moments and the not-so-awesome ones. What the outside world sees and what we see and experience is slightly different. The outside world sees a great beach walk and back to work. I see the four-hour nap on my day off I needed to recoup from working. You see the productive, smiling me at work. I see me when I go home and can’t find energy to fix a decent meal or to do much of anything besides sitting and rocking. Sometimes my brain is too tired to even read Scripture because I can’t focus on the meaning of the words. I know the words, but I struggle to process them. What goes on behind closed doors is just as real as what happens for all to see and could be very different.

The counselor that was so helpful had to remind me constantly to give myself grace. When I would struggle with life not being as it was before or energy as it was before or focus, she would just remind me to give grace to those situations. It is helpful to remind ourselves that while grieving, things may not go as fast or as smoothly as they did before. Emotions, events, and people can drain the grieving person, leaving us feeling empty. It is important to not compare ourselves to the way we were before or to how others seem to be doing in their life journey. While the goal is for all of our journeys to end with God in heaven, He planned a unique journey for each of us. He gave different gifts and abilities to each, and each will have struggles that will hopefully grow us into His image. While some struggles will appear the same, they are not exact replicas. He gave us each ten unique fingerprints, and our lives are unique as well. While there are a lot of similarities, there are also a lot of special details that make a huge difference in some ways.

When walking through grief and heartache from the loss we have experienced, God is the One who has all the details to help us. Others can sometimes help us, but God will consistently be the right help at the right moment if we trust Him. He knows the thoughts we are having and where they are going. He can help us with those thoughts if we pause in His presence. He knows the struggles we have that no one else sees. He understands what makes us smile and what pushes our buttons. When we can allow Him to help us through the rough moments, we can take those button-pushing moments and not let them get the best of us. The various ways God can and does show up is amazing, unique, and unlimited.

As you read through this book about what God thinks in the midst of our grief, my hope is that it will open your eyes to how much He loves and cares for you. He understands the uniqueness and the struggles of your journey. Some things that are suggested along this path may be difficult. Please understand the time it takes to read something and the time it takes to put it into practice is definitely different. If an idea or thought is difficult now, put that idea aside and work on a different one. God is your friend and comforter; He never manipulates or crosses your boundaries. He is there to help you through this messy, confusing time. He is not there to increase any pain or guilt in the journey. If you can’t do something today, it is okay. Seeking God and finding Him in the middle of your mess is what is most important, and sometimes it is just one small step after another that works the best. God may bring you back to some of those ideas later on at a time more appropriate, but He may not. Most chapters and ideas are complete, so picking chapters that appeal to you is okay though I do suggest reading this first section first as it will give you some of my history and story on loss.

Understanding Where You Are

Life can be hard, busy, demanding, and uncertain. For those grieving, probably hard and uncertain ring very true. For those who aren’t in the throes of serious grief, busy and demanding may be better words. For those who attend the funeral but go home with their lives still basically intact, their routine will fall back into what it was before rather quickly and easily. For those who were touched up close and personal, their life may never be the same. They will struggle to find their new normal and come to grips with all the changes inflicted upon them with this new reality. This will take time and probably test everyone’s patience. The person grieving doesn’t want to be in this much pain, but the only way to the other side is through, and sometimes through means a long, dark tunnel. Even when it seems hopeless, you can make it through—one moment, one step at a time.

This season is like walking through a minefield. There are mines ready to explode all over the place. Some are buried, and some are out in the open. When first learning to walk through a minefield, our eye isn’t trained or experienced in seeing all the different ways how the mines can be disguised. This is a time when we need the help of someone, a counselor or support group, that can help train us in recognizing and navigating the minefield. As time goes on, we get a little better at seeing what’s ahead, but we are likely to be cautious forever because we know that there can always be one well-hidden mine that could go off at any given time with one wrong move or misplaced step. Others who have not walked this minefield may not understand the caution you now have. It’s okay if they don’t understand. Be careful anyway.

When going through a grief season, it is helpful to let others know what help you need (if you can). But know this—others will not ever fully understand the intensity of your pain. They won’t always understand why you are taking so long to move on. They won’t understand your moods, mood swings, or triggers. They won’t understand your fatigue or lack of motivation or the energy that seems to come but disappear just as quickly. The anger that comes up for the slightest reasons can be quite frightening if one is not normally an angry person, and the intensity of the pain may surprise us and overwhelm us at times as well as confuse others. Anxiety may also come with this new reality, and the inability to predict when it will come can be frightening as well. It is okay to ask for what you need even if others decide they can’t help you. Ask God and let Him provide. He may use someone you don’t know to help you. It is also okay to let others know that your emotions are very overwhelming at times.

Proverbs is a book full of wisdom. This is not a new fact for most Christians; but while doing a Bible study on Jeremiah, I stumbled across a gem that is so true when it comes to the grief a person feels over the loss of a loved one. It is one that would work well for those grieving to memorize, but it also applies to those who just don’t know what to do for the one who is deeply grieving. Read Proverbs 14:10.

Don’t expect anyone else to fully understand both the bitterness and the joys of all you experience in your life. (Proverbs 14:10 TPT)

Grief is mostly a lonely journey because it is so unique for each person that parts of it will never be understood by someone else. Proverbs 14:10 rightly states no one will fully understand both the bitterness and the joys. There is a very real struggle inside a grieving person. The pain is emotional, physical, and spiritual at times. For someone’s life to be cut short, especially that of a child, no matter the age, there is or can be a bitterness of the multitude of losses that occur and continue to occur. There is always new grief to be felt. It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do; there are triggers (minefields) everywhere on the missing loved one’s life. Go to a wedding, and you grieve the wedding that will never be. Go to a church service, and you grieve the missing one who won’t be by your side. Go to visit a friend and hear their stories of their new grandchild, and maybe that is yet another trigger.

The triggers are everywhere and very random—hidden in some cases. Maybe one wedding doesn’t bother you, but the next one does. My trigger this week was a Greyhound bus—two, as a matter of fact. I have made several trips up and down Interstate 95 and never remember even seeing a Greyhound bus, but on one trip, I saw two. Why does a Greyhound bus stick out? Because it reminded me of a time when I picked my son up from a Greyhound station. Very random memory, very random trigger, not an especially happy time nor an especially sad time, just a random part of life—something I did once for my son. I wasn’t looking for this bus, but it was just there in front of me to try and trip me up.

When things are new and raw from the loss and ache in your heart, these triggers can send a person down a trail that can takes hours or days to recover from. In the beginning, there can be so many triggers to deal with that one wants to isolate to try to not have any. While some isolation may be beneficial, too much is not good. It is good, though, to rest more for a period of time. Triggers and the extreme emotions they produce are exhausting.

It is hard for others to understand triggers. They just don’t get it unless they are burdened with them as well. I once heard triggers are our friends. While I agree triggers can be a friend when they remind me that I need to work on a particular issue to get over it, I don’t consider a trigger that brings sadness from a major loss a friend, and getting over the loss of my child isn’t on my agenda. I am confident I will adjust to my new normal, but I will never be over it. Maybe in time, I will see those Greyhound buses as a reminder of a life I got to share good times with, but for now a sadness comes when I remember my son is no longer here. How many months, years will it take? I don’t know. I just know that one trigger today can make me cry or make me sad, and another trigger another day may bring joy and laughter—or maybe I have both kinds in one day. The journey ahead is unknown and unfolding as I go. It’s okay to laugh again, and it is okay to cry.

Grief is an ongoing journey, and there are many factors that make it unique. From the relationship between the people to the way they died can add more intense feelings, and there is no rhyme or reason sometimes on why some things bring more feelings and other things don’t bother one. It just is.

Suicide death of a child is especially hard and difficult. There are additional burdens to deal with and questions that will likely remain unanswered forever. Depending on how they died and who had to witness the death or find the body can all be very traumatic. Reactions to trauma can be multifaceted. There is no one reaction that is normal. There just is not a normal, but there are a lot of common feelings around a suicide death. Suicide death adds a unique set of emotions and questions to deal with. Unless someone has experienced a close relative dying from suicide, they likely won’t understand these emotions and questions. It can be good to find a support group or counselor that deals with suicide. I experienced a counselor in the beginning that I feel was not helpful to me, and I feel she likely didn’t have experience with parents losing a child to suicide. My advice, unsolicited—find a new one if one doesn’t work. Find one that helps you understand where you are but doesn’t leave you there. Gentle encouragement to move forward is good; pushing is typically not—least not for me.

Another scripture that believing people may find comfort in is Psalm 73:21.

When I saw all of this, what turmoil filled my heart, piercing my opinions with your truth. (Psalm 73:21 TPT)

The verses before this tell of how a believer in God sees the prideful and wicked succeeding in life and having an easy life and how that seems in direct conflict with God’s Word. The writer asks why do they have success and have an easy life while he played by the rules and stayed pure and experienced hard times? Why was their life seemingly good and his full of suffering?

When we believe in a God who does miracles, who heals the sick, whose word says that when one part of the body suffers, we all suffer and then we experience a death of a child—a child not healed here—and we have people who seem to walk away, life and thoughts can get confusing. When we prayed for healing, and it didn’t come the way we expected it to, it can bring disappointment and questions. Our opinions may not line up with God’s truth.

I went through my why God season. During this season, which may be necessary for each individual, my opinions on how things were and the truth of God’s Word were in conflict. Knowing God heals but my son wasn’t hurt. Knowing God can raise the dead here on earth but didn’t choose to with my son hurt. Thinking support from friends, family, and church family would look one way and it taking on a completely different view hurt. Of course, I was enveloped in pain, and my view of everything was painful, and my intense pain can lead other people to not knowing what to do and even abandon me. That can even add confusion, but to a degree, I can understand some of the abandonment now after some time has passed. Life is full of responsibilities and challenges, and to take on helping someone walk through a difficult season can be daunting to some. Not all people will walk with you through this. Release any to God who were not there the way you had hoped or expected. It’s okay. God will bring the right ones for you.

I have come to realize, though, that sometimes others can’t be there so God can. When others let us down, and they will because they can’t be everything that we need, God can and does rescue us. While I believe that all people could be better (me included) when someone is grieving a major loss, God is the ultimate healer of our heart and life. Only He knows exactly what will speak positive to us and what we may not take as a positive. He knows the exact words to say. For example, there is a popular saying, Bloom where you are planted. God knows I hate that saying with a passion. Why? Because in fifteen or so years, I have lived/stayed at least thirty different places with a stay being anywhere from thirty days to two years. I don’t feel planted anywhere. Most times I have enjoyed all the places I have been and was blessed to see, but there is a part of me that desired a base to work from, a place to really call home here on earth.

When God needed to get that message across to me, His words spoken by a pastor were Be where you are. Don’t worry about the next step. In essence, it is the same message, and my one friend even said, Yeah, bloom where you are planted when I told her my message from God. But she didn’t know in my heart (bless her heart) her bloom message was actually a trigger for me. It brought up the lack I was feeling. I never felt planted. Know this—only God knows your heart, and He can help you better than any human though don’t neglect human relationships. He built us to be with others, and He does use others to help us in our journey.

Verses 16–17 in that same chapter lets us in on a secret. To understand the ins and outs of this life is just too puzzling. We aren’t God and won’t understand everything that happens the way it does. We need to know that God’s plan will take care of the pure in heart in the end. While things may look like God isn’t working, we have to trust that He is working, and His plan is good. God is always working on us to be better images of Him, to see a little more like Him, but on earth we will only see in part. We don’t have the full story, and while we may have a very real spiritual struggle trusting God after we felt let down in this death, trusting God has the full picture, and how His Word says the picture is good can bring hope to a hurting heart. It may take time though. It’s okay. Stay on the journey.

When I tried to understand it all, I just couldn’t. It was too puzzling—too much of a riddle to me. But then one day I was brought into the sanctuaries of God, and in the light of glory, my distorted perspective vanished. Then I understood that the destiny of the wicked was near! (Psalm 73:16–17 TPT)

My Story of Loss Before My Son Passed

I am a daughter who has lost both parents in a short expanse of time at a young adult age. I am a sibling that grew up without a brother because he passed before I was born. I am a younger sister who watched an older sister struggle with health issues for many years before the disease finally took her life at forty-one. I am a sibling that lost a brother from my mother’s first marriage to cancer and a second brother recently. I have missed out on relationships with one set of grandparents because they passed before I arrived on earth, therefore never getting the pleasure to meet them, and I have lost grandparents who I knew as well as aunts, uncles, schoolmates, and friends. I know loss from death and am intimate with it. I know what it can do to you. It can tear you out of a secure world and throw you into uncertainty with the flip of a switch, or it can be a day or two of mourning, and life pretty much goes on without a lot of change for you. It all depends on the relationship between you and the one who passed. When my parents both passed, I lost track of both sides of the family in many ways because they were the connectors. Another fallout of my parents’ death was losing track of siblings because my parents’ house was the gathering place, and it just didn’t happen after they passed.

I also have had two failed marriages and watched the hopes, dreams, and plans fly away in the night, forever lost in the dark for each marriage. With death being final, there are no new opportunities to talk, rejoice, and make amends. The person who went away wasn’t rejecting you or meaning to abandon you. A failed marriage with an ugly divorce can be a form of a living death because sometimes you still have to interact with the person who decided that love, honor, and cherish, till death do you part was really till they no longer wanted you around. It is a death of many things but not a person. It still contributes to the losses we accumulate over our life here on earth. Sometimes there is no conversation that brings closure to the failed relationship, and you are left with many questions.

In addition to