Life with My Son: A Motherýs Journey Through Death, Grieving and Healing

By Carlene Spruell

A mother's heart should never have to grieve over the death of her child. Yet it happens all the time. I have gone through the traumatic experience of the illness and death of my adult son, but God gives me strength and comfort to continue with my life, taking it one day at a time. As I grieve for my son, time has healed the intensity of my pain. I rejoice because of the promises of God; that he goes with me into each new day. God's hand remains upon my family to this day. My family is in the exact place that God wants us to be, and tomorrow God will still be with us. The God of life has given me strength to walk through the darkest days and fills my future with hope. He can do it for you too.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 27, 2006
• ISBN: 9780595848492

Carlene Spruell

Carlene Spruell is a member of First Baptist Church of Shepherd, Texas where she teaches a women?s Bible study class. Carlene enjoys spending time with her grandchildren, ?RV?ing? with her husband, Bill, and serving the Lord in her church and community.

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Contents

Introduction

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

Written and lovingly dedicated in memory of my son: Billy Leon Spruell, Jr.

September 15, 1975–April 18, 2005

And to the love, support and encouragement of special people in my life;

My husband Bill,

My daughter Janette and husband Kevin,

My grandchildren, Josh, Megan, Taylor, Chase and Jordan

My mother-in-law and Billy’s Grandmother, Betty Spruell,

My sister, Carolyn McCoy and my twin sister, Charlene Mills

My dear friends, Merilyn Olson, BettyCorn, Jeanette Welch, Sherry Woodruff,

Eunice Morrison

My sisters in Christ in the Fellowship Class,

My Pastor: Dr. Preston Baker and wife Pam, and church family from First Baptist

Church of Shepherd, Texas.

To our Special Angel, Billy’s nurse, Rhiannon Ballard Burton

All of you have been such a blessing to me and have helped me through a very

difficult time in my life.

Last of all, I give praise to my Heavenly Father, who was my family’s bridge of

faith and strength as we dealt with the illness and death and of our son.

When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am

with you, that I have left some mark on who I am, on who you are. It means that

you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles

may stand between us. It means that when we meet again, you will know me, and

hear my voice and speak to me in your heart. For as long as you remember me, I

am never entirely lost. Billy, I will love you always!

Introduction 

My love for my son and the experience I have gone through with his illness, death and grieving has inspired me to write this book in the hopes that through this book I can reach out and help others who are grieving over the death of their child. I am not a talented writer and would never claim to be. I am just a ladies Bible study teacher in a small rural town called Shepherd, Texas, but I am also a Christian mother who has lost a son. I once read that when dealing with grief the best way to do it is to feel the effects of your loss, to release the tears, and let go of trying to understand why. By doing this, you will feel the pain, believe me, I know, but you will learn ways to express it that can be through tears, prayers, or words spoken or written and then the healing will come. My healing has come from these words written from my heart. God has also sent healing to me through my faith in him and from the prayers and support of my family, my church and many special friends.

For years I have written and kept personal journals about my personal thoughts and feelings, but this is the first time I have written about such a painful event as the death of my son. Through that journal and this book I have discovered my faith is strong, God does answer prayers and healing does come, and joy returns.

We naturally expect to lose our parents first because we believe that our children will outlive us but when you lose a child it does not seem normal. It seems so wrong and unfair because we are led to believe that our children will live longer than us. Then the unexpected happens, you lose a child and life never seems the same again. I have buried my grandparents, parents and a father-in-law but to me nothing is more painful and heartbreaking than burying your child. It is devastating and changes your life forever. A part of you, your own flesh and blood is gone. A void remains that can never be filled. Nothing can replace the child that you lost.

God gave me my son, Billy, on September 15, 1975 and called him back to heaven on April 18, 2005 at the age of twenty-nine. My story is about his life, illness, death, grieving, and the healing process I have gone through. It is a journey through times, past and present, with joy and sadness, yet it is a journey that I would not have missed. Billy was a special gift from God and I am honored that

God chose me to be his mother for twenty-nine years. Billy was so much a part of my life and I will always miss him.

How do I begin to tell you about the journey I began with my son and that ended with his death? I only know that I must first tell you about his life in order for me to show you the wonders of God’s grace and love after the painful ending of our journey together. I hope that as you read this book it will bring you peace, healing, strength, and comfort, if like me; you have also lost a child.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me… Psalm 23: 4 (NIV)

"But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life. Jude: v 20-21 (NIV)

Feel no guilt in laughter; he knows how much you care,

Feel no sorrow in a smile that he’s not here to share.

You cannot grieve forever; he wouldn’t want you to,

He’d hope that you could carry on, the way you always do.

So talk about the good times, and the ways you showed you cared,

The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared,

Let memories surround you.

A word someone may say,

Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day.

That brings him back as clearly as though he was still here.

And fills you with the feelings that he is always near.

For if you keep these moments, you will never be apart,

And he will live forever, locked safe within your heart.

Author Unknown

1

The Journey Begins

How do I begin to write about my son, his life and what is in my heart? I am a mother who has lost a twenty-nine year old son and I have shed many tears. I still grieve, I always will. Going through the traumatic experience of the illness and death of my son has been so devastating, yet I feel closer to God than ever before. I am stronger for it. I am more aware, more sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading and I am at peace knowing where my son is. I will always praise God for His gift of eternal life that my son is experiencing right now. Billy’s health has been restored, his struggles are over, and he is experiencing so much joy, love, and peace in the most awesome place there is: heaven. My eyes are looking upward waiting in anticipation for the day that God calls me home and I am reunited with my son.

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

Even now, I grieve for my son. I always will. You will never forget your child who has died and that is as it should be, but time will heal and the intensity of the pain will lessen. I miss him physically, yet in a spiritual sense I rejoice because of the promises of God and the comfort of knowing where my son is now. I know that God’s hand has remained upon my family to this very day. We are in the exact place that God wants us to be, and tomorrow God will be with us as He has always been, in goodness, and in faithfulness. Each time that I think of my son, I will always remember that he lived out his Christian faith through his actions. I was and always will be proud to be his mother. He may be gone but he will never be forgotten.

Your eyes saw my unformed body: all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be Psalm 139:16

My journey with Billy began on September 15, 1975 when I held my son for the first time. I gazed upon him and saw something precious, a special gift from God. I was so happy and overwhelmed with many emotions. I thought Billy was so perfect and beautiful, and my heart overflowed with love for him. I knew then, just as I did when my daughter, Janette, was born, that I would do my very best to see that he had a good life and that he was raised in a Christian home. It is hard to explain a mother’s immediate bond and love for her child at birth. It is just a special gift and feeling that I believe God bestows on all mothers. Little did I know then, at just a few hours old, just how special Billy would turn out to be and what God had planned for my family in the years to come.

My story would not be complete without sharing with you why Billy was so special to me. When Billy was a toddler, I noticed he was different than most children his age. He was shy but also seemed to be learning things slower than others. I knew that children develop at different stages and tried not to compare him to his sister. At first I didn’t think much of it until he started school. In 1981 Billy started kindergarten and I will never forget that first day. He was so nervous and I was too. In my heart I think I knew he would have problems but I did not want to face it. My last child, my little boy was starting school. That was enough for me to deal with at the moment. I remember coming home to an empty house and it was sad for me. This would begin the first of many new experiences for my son, some good, and some not so good.

Our son began having difficulty in school. Not only was he shy but also he was learning at a slower pace than the other children. His teacher was concerned and then I knew in my heart that something was not right. I prayed for God to give us strength for whatever would happen next. First, we discovered he had a vision problem so Bill and I took Billy to get a vision test. We found out he had severe astigmatism and he needed glasses. I had hoped that would take care of his learning problems, but it didn’t.

We moved to Shepherd, Texas in 1982 and in early 1983 Bill and I took Billy to Texas Children’s Hospital in Houston, Texas where he was given a thorough examination by a pediatric neurologist. The news was not good. We were told that Billy had EDS (Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Type 7), a type of birth defect, and from that day on our lives changed forever, but I trusted in the Lord to help us provide for him and to see that he got the best care and education possible.

There were many adjustments to make. He had to learn ways to cope with his health issues and learning disabilities. Billy’s birth defects caused him to suffer from many symptoms, a minor mitral valve prolapse, poor physical decondition-ing, developmental delay, loose skin, easy bruising, and extensive hypermoblilty (loose joints). The doctors told us that Billy would never be able to play any kind of sports. If he did, he would only have one injury after another. Billy accepted this and then we concentrated on his learning. He was put in Special Education and this began the first of many difficult times for him. Billy struggled to deal with his EDS and to learn to do things that came so easy for others. Billy suffered from frequent elbow dislocations until the age of nine. During his high school years he had surgery on one knee and in his early twenty’s he had surgery on the other knee. Billy handled all of it with such grace and strength. Billy knew he was different from others and not once did he complain. He just accepted things the way they were. I was always proud of him because of the way he responded to changes in his life. He worked hard to do the best he could. Bill and I encouraged him often and told him how much we loved him just the way he was. I told him he was a special blessing to all of us and how glad I was that he was my son. God made him this way, we accepted and loved him for who he was. God makes no mistakes. God made Billy a unique person and I wanted him to believe that and to accept it.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart Jeremiah 1:5

Billy was in Special Education all through school and he continued to struggle throughout his school years to learn. I know he had difficult moments and feelings of discouragement but he never showed it. He adapted to the way things were for him. He was that kind of a person, always doing the best he could. Bill and I were proud of him.

When Billy was in the second grade he had a special teacher who was so loving and helpful to my son. Her name was Ms. Jamie McCormick. She cared about Billy and set out to help him be the best that he could be and to teach him how to accomplish what she knew he was capable of doing. At first, Billy wouldn’t even try to learn but she kept pushing him and encouraging him. She never gave up on him. Then one day, Billy realized that he could learn and he began to enjoy it. He found out that he could learn things that other kids were learning; he just had to do it at his own pace. He started feeling good about himself. I noticed the change in him and I was happy for him. I began to see Billy blossom into the young boy that I knew he could be. God’s hand was upon my son and helping him along his journey of learning.

Then a new experience came along. Billy began participating in the Special Olympics for our school district. His first time to do this was in April 1984 at the age of eight. Ms. McCormick signed Billy up for the 100-yard dash and she began working with him to prepare him for the event. At first he did not like it. I think he had doubts that he could do it. Billy did not have a lot of self-esteem then but both his teacher and I encouraged him to keep trying and not give up. Then the day came. Billy was nervous but I knew he would do well. There were only two boys signed up for this event, my son and another boy. Billy came in second but I did not care because what mattered the most to me was that he gave his all and never gave up. Billy ran as fast as he could until he crossed that finish line. I cried because I was so proud of him but also because I saw Ms. McCor-mick at the finish line and the whole time Billy was running, she was yelling words of encouragement to him and she never stopped until he crossed the finish line. I saw the smile on my son’s face and I was filled with emotion and so proud of him. It was a special moment. I have the pictures from that event in his memory album and the picture that is the most special is the one of him holding his second place ribbon and smiling at me. I will never forget the impact that Ms. McCormick made on his life and I pray that some day she will know. Later she got married and moved to New Mexico and Billy really missed her. I heard that she came back through our town one day just to stop and check on Billy. They never got to see each other but it meant so much to me that she asked about him. I think of her often and consider her one of God’s blessings.

In April 1988, When Billy was twelve years old and in fifth grade, he participated in Special Olympics again. This time his sponsor was a wonderful Christian lady and special friend of mine, Mrs. Jennifer Strickland (I call her Jennie). She entered Billy in events she knew he was capable of doing and once again I was proud of