When Your Son Tells You: I'm Gay

By Conchita Ramos

No one can predict what a child will be like the moment he or she is born. You rejoice at their birth and raise them the best you can with the resources you have and teach them "in the way they should go" (Proverbs 22:6). But when they reach adulthood, and sometimes even before, they make their own decisions. Some of those decisions may not be in step with what you taught them, and sometimes they are the total opposite.

This book tells the true story of a mother who hears from her son, "Mom, I'm gay" and the spiritual battle that she finds herself fighting. A mother who shares a very difficult and painful stage in her life. Here she shares her heart in hopes that others in the same situation can draw from her experience and benefit from it. If it only helps one person, it was worth it. It is a story of love and mistakes made. It is a story of pain. But most of all, it is a story of God's redemption and restoration, because God is always near to the brokenhearted and always faithful to His promises.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 10, 2023
• ISBN: 9798886858273

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When Your Son Tells You: I'm Gay

Conchita Ramos

ISBN 979-8-88685-826-6 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88685-827-3 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Conchita Ramos

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved."

Scripture quotations are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Scripture quotations are from the Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright © 1946, 1952 and 1971 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scriptures are taken from the ESV Bible Translation unless otherwise noted.

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

To the mothers of the prodigal sons

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

I: The Journey

The Journey

A Little Bit of Back Story

The Picture-Perfect Family

The Boy Scouts

High School

The Diagnosis

And Now…

II: Feelings

Feelings

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

Feeling Betrayed Is Natural

The Five Stages of Grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Still, but… Why?

You Can Overcome

Nature vs. Nurture

Is It Inherited? The Nature Argument.

Is It a Product of the Environment? The Nurture Argument.

Well Then, Is It Just Plainly a Choice, or Is There More to It?

Family Life—the Dynamics of Relationships

My Husband

Our Daughter

Our Son

III: Hope

Hope

My Daily Bread

Mistakes That Parents Make and Pitfalls to Avoid

From Legalism to Acceptance

The Road to Breakthrough

Finally, Healing

IV: Peace

Peace

First of All, a Word to the Church

A Very Unique Sin

Truth and Grace or Grace and Truth

On Leaving Egypt

Epilogue

Notes

About the author

To the mothers of the prodigal sons

Foreword

Dear reader,

I am happy for you to have this book! You are holding the heart journey of a dear friend of mine and a friend of yours, though you may have not yet met. Conchita welcomes you here into the stream of consciousness flowing from her real-life experience as a mother who learns her son is gay. It is written in the language of love, faith, confusion, candor, and the raw, real-life struggle of personal grief. Finding hope.

Read it in the spirit in which it is offered, as the open-heart journey of a fellow struggler, who shares her soul—its pain and the wisdom rising from it—with counsel to be helpful to those seeking. You will find practical wisdom here to help you as you face the heartaches of your own crucible.

I have known Conchita through the years as her pastor and friend. I know her through these pages as my mentor and teacher. May her life journey remind you that God's Promised Land isn't for the perfect but for those who persevere in the struggle of faith, hope, and love. And discover that the greatest of these is, still and forever, love.

Pastor Bill White

Christ Journey Church

Coral Gables, Florida

Author: Upside Down Kingdom and Mature-ish

Acknowledgments

To my husband, who supported me even when I was not worthy of support. You have been a pillar of strength to our family in good times and bad times. My love, I don't know what my life would have been without you by my side these past forty years…and counting.

To my daughter, who has been with me every step of the way and has ushered me into the throne in worship and still does, and from whom I am still learning about what being a godly woman is all about. Baby girl, when you were born, the circumstances of your birth made me think that I had lost you, but the fact that you made it proved that you were both a fighter and a symbol of hope for my life. I love you to the moon and back.

To Christ Journey Church, especially my long-time pastor, Bill White, and his lovely wife, Lisa, for putting up with this mother's pain for over twenty-five years with the love and compassion that only two truly godly people can. Thank you for the patience and the wisdom you imparted to us and for your ever-present smile and encouragement that allowed us to go on one more day and not quit.

To my friend, Marie Griffin, who encouraged me to write this book and not quit. Well, friend, here it is. Thank you for your friendship. I will always be indebted to you.

To Vicky, my friend and personal shrink, who from the beginning also encouraged me and revised and corrected the more technical aspects of the psychology parts. Thank you for all those breakfasts we shared. You have taught me so much.

To our support group. You know who you are. Knowing that we were not alone in this journey meant the world to us, and your love and compassion were priceless. We continue to pray for you and your families all the time. Love you all!

To my current pastors, Tim and Carrie Bourne, and Genesis Metro Frisco. Unknowingly, you have been the instruments God used at the right time to bring about my healing. Carrie, I think I want to be like you when I grow up.

Last but not least, to my son, my beloved firstborn. Your perseverance in your journey has taught me to be a better mother and a better Christ follower, even when you didn't know it. I love you forever. Hang in there, son. You will bring glory to God.

Introduction

This is a book for mothers…mainly. It is a book for mothers of gay children—mothers who have gone through the pain of hearing the dreaded words out of their children's mouths, Mom, I'm gay. I have to say that in my experience, it has been the most painful experience I have ever encountered and the strongest of storms and, might I add, the most humbling lesson.

First of all, I want to make it clear that, no, I am not the ultimate authority on the matter. I have not researched dozens of books about it or made it my life's mission to become an expert. As a matter of fact, I decided from the beginning that I would not read other people's books just so I don't subconsciously feel influenced and be tempted to repeat their words. What I do know is that I am not alone in this journey. There are many others on this boat, hiding in our own private staterooms, and if we are not careful, the boat will sink, and we will all drown with it, and no one will be able to help us.

I also want to warn you that it is not a theology book. It is not a psychology book. Or a book on doctrine. I am not an expert at any of those. Rather, it is a book about feelings, the feelings brought about by a very personal and private journey—a very long one. It is a book about pain and love and resilience. It is about anger and questioning, loss and grief. But most of all, it's about balance and the extravagant love of God, who puts up with so much of our insolence, looks at our closed fist in his face, and returns the look with loving, forgiving eyes because he knows we don't know any better. God who, in that still small voice, whispers to this day, This is me you're talking to. Remember, I will always love you, no matter the circumstances. And your child? Oh yes, I love him too. I love him more than you do.

This is a book about hope—the hope that says, "Things will be better for you. You can overcome this. Life is not over for you or