This day last year, 1/30/20, in my 7th month of pregnancy, I walked into a drs appointment SO excited to see our girl.
I was practically giddy in the drs office and couldn’t wait to send my husband pictures and videos of our daughter. 
Instead, I had to call him and tell him that our sweet girl was with with Jesus. Even though she was still in my body. Talk about psychological torment.

The weeks that followed were rough. I was trying to wrap my head around everything that had happened. One minute I was creating a birth plan, the next I’m lucky to be alive and on birth control bc if I got pregnant again I could die. Um, what? How was this my life? I had so much invested in the “next chapter” of our lives and it was literally HERE. Until it wasn’t. I was confused. We were broken.

But the one thing I did *intentionally* was try to give God EVERYTHING. Not just the things I understood or felt comfortable giving Him. Did I want to know the reasons? Yes. Was I tempted to go into dark, dark spirals of depression and disappointment because of all I had lost? Yes.

But I knew God could only trade the ashes for beauty if they were in His hands. As long as I was holding onto my pain He couldn’t turn it into purpose.

I don’t know why bad things happen. But I do know I’ve walked through them with God and solo and every single time I’ve invited Him into the pain rather than blaming Him for it, I have experienced life on a level I could literally NEVER have imagined.

One year to the day later I sit here 35 weeks pregnant with the most incredible gift in my belly. My marriage stronger than ever. My faith stronger than ever. And to think I’d have none of this had I not walked through that.
What a difference one year makes.