A Descent Through the System

By Rick Corrado

Through the lens of depression and dysfunction, the author reveals the struggles of a tumultuous relationship, the instability of mental illness, and then the highs of meeting someone new and getting a second chance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 20, 2021
• ISBN: 9781638741855

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by love and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

—1 Thessalonians 1:3

Prayer Journal:

I do not know if Debbie used her link transportation tonight and went to Gilda’s Cancer Club for her Wednesday night art studio classes. I feel bad that if she did, she had to go alone.

I pray that the home health aide Miriam can help in caring for Deb and some of her needs. Her workload will increase especially since her husband is ill and also needs a lot of care and attending to.

I pray that Debbie can reach out to others and be friendly and outgoing. She needs an audience for her talkativeness, which is necessary to her even though she is repetitious and abrasive.

I feel bad that she must swallow her pride.

I thank you, God, that I have a respite from the strife she causes.

I must accept that it is not changing. Perhaps, it will change later on. Who knows? In the meantime, dear Lord, whether we’re together or apart, watch over us and keep us safe. Sustain us and forgive us our trespasses and guide us. Let the love survive. Amen.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Prayer Journal:

Woke up with neck and shoulder pain again. Stumbled into the kitchen. Had a hot cup of coffee, which, combined with the humidity, made me perspire.

Not having a phone to talk to Debbie is a source of anxiety. How is she doing, does she have enough food to eat, is she angry with me? I feel bad that I cannot be there for her. I am praying, but I do not believe she can take care of herself.

It is possible I will get dressed later and go out.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Prayer Journal:

Called Debbie again from a pay phone. Got her recording. Phoned my dad next. Got his recording. Something must be wrong. They’re both not home. I’m worried. I’m cut off without a phone.

Dear God, my mind is trying to fill in the blanks. I don’t know what to think. I’m preparing myself for bad news. Perhaps, I should call Monica, her sister in New York. Is she in the hospital again? What about the cats? Or did she take off for Alabama to be with her brother Seaby? Can she forgive me? Being apart from her feels the same, but is it real this time? Is it final?

Dear God, I feel much better. My neighbor down the stairs helped me get my cell phone turned back on.

I called my dad. This time, he was home. His wife answered the phone.

She sounded like she was in a good mood. Then she put my dad on. They had gone away for a few days. I told him I didn’t know where Deb was. I had tried her at home. He told me Deborah had spoken to him about going to the hospital and that she probably checked into one so that she could eat and get medical attention. I breathed a sigh of relief. I was expecting the worst. I didn’t know for sure if I would see her again, but at least she was okay.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

Prayer Journal:

Last night, I did some reading and listening to some cassettes.

My cell phone is working, and that encourages me. I need some kind of phone service at all times or I am cut off from my family. I also want to restore my mail delivery since I am home to stay this time.

Dear God, I am much relieved to have heard from my earthly dad.

Also there are medications at the pharmacy near Deborah that I can get transferred to the pharmacy near me.

These are things I need to take care of.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Prayer Journal:

Thank goodness the cell phone is working. Used it yesterday to call neighboring hospitals in order to locate Deb. She was in Bergen Regional in Paramus. I sighed yet another sigh of relief. Déjà vu, it seems like. But there is a difference this time. I feel partially at fault and do not expect Deborah to be able to forgive me. I have anxiety that she might get her mental health advocate after me or take me, my father, and Monica to court when she gets out. I must remember that Debbie often gets what she wants. She is no pushover and feels we are against her.

Right now, I can hardly afford my medications. The pharmacist informed me that my insurance isn’t covering my medications at the present time. I need to call them. They have a hotline number.

Without a reliable phone and mail service, I’m like a caveman in the Stone Age. I don’t know when I’m missing incoming calls. People could be trying to reach me in an emergency situation, and I wouldn’t know it. I should give immediate thought to having a phone installed in my apartment if I can.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Prayer Journal:

Deborah came home from the hospital last Tuesday and called me. I was happy to get her call but cautious when talking to her. Thursday was her birthday. We arranged for her to get a haircut at the Excelsior. That’s what she wanted. It’s an exclusive place on the ground floor of a modern building that doctors frequent.

My prescription insurance needed to be renewed. I had a number to call. I would be able to get a renewal application in the mail. My therapist gave me samples to hold me over. I would be alone and stressed out, maybe even having auditory hallucinations.

I am out of money. Dad didn’t return my phone calls. Deborah is with a host of depressing and overwhelming problems.

I am on guard against being hurt by Deborah. She has been verbally put-offish in the worst way for a long time now.

But it’s a beautiful day, and I’m going to take myself for a walk in a little while. I am still concerned about her. Neither of us has money. We are both alone.

God, I must leave matters in your hands. I realize my complete dependence on you. I am unable to change matters. Thank you for letting me know I must not do your job. I must take care of myself.

I know things will work out one way or another for the best.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Prayer Journal:

I received a nice letter from Deb in the mailbox yesterday with photos enclosed. I wanted to write right back to her. I haven’t spoken to Dad since Deb got home from the hospital.

Dear God, look down upon us. Have mercy on us. Forgive us our trespasses. Be gracious to us. Keep us safe and out of trouble. I humbly pray. Amen.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Prayer Journal:

I mailed another letter to Deb, the fourth in three days. No phone.

I went outside in the cool of the evening and sat in front of the Garden State News. I was worried about her but told myself I should focus on the volunteer who was coming by to help me with my renewal application.

Things are really hard now. I know Deb is having an even more difficult time.

The summer is a complete bust. Deb and I had been planning to get married, but now is a very bad time.

My shoulder is killing me—arm and shoulder and neck pain that won’t go away. I can’t raise my arm even to lift a cup.

Dear God, please send relief in one form or another. Thank you that things aren’t worse. Give me understanding. And we should learn to say, If the Lord wills, we will do this or that. Amen.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Prayer Journal:

I was up again last night and couldn’t get to sleep. The tree cutters were in the back buzzing and cutting all day. I had hot coffee. Now what?

I think I should go outside and mail the letter to Deborah that’s been sitting around. Perhaps, I will pay a visit to Jimmy Pinto tonight. The insurance application is also sitting around. I will call the hotline number from his house if he lets me, provided he’s home.

I can’t get to Hetty’s group in Englewood where I might be able to get more medication samples from her. I am procrastinating.

I am out of food. I will go by the church and ask for another bag of groceries from the pantry.

Basically, I’m alone. Jim might offer some companionship. Last time, we watched TV over at his place.

Jim is intelligent, but he’s also kind of crafty. You can’t help but wonder what’s on his mind. I’m much taller than he is. In recent years, he has shed a lot of weight. He’s a good person to have a conversation with. He used to drink. You can hang out with him.

God, I’m drinking too much coffee. I have no money. It’s the end of the month, and I’m concerned about Deborah. I’m losing sleep.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Prayer Journal:

I feel like Robinson Crusoe. I miss Deborah’s company.

The lady at the diner was charitable and gave me a hamburger off the grill. I greatly appreciated it.

Deb sent me another letter that arrived with good timing.

Pneumatic drills are going all afternoon as they repave the sidewalks a few blocks away.

The church also gave me a bag of food.

Dear God, thank you for the letter from Debbie and for the lady at the diner. Right now, my head feels light, and I feel anxiety. At present, I have no phone and very little contact with others. I feel too messed up to worry about Deborah or my dad, but I believe we will all make it. Amen.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Prayer Journal:

My schedule is topsy-turvy. I’m up late almost every night and don’t fall asleep sometimes till nearly dawn. I have done nothing about filling out the insurance application, and Jimmy is never home.

I wish there were some work around here so I could help Deborah out.

Encourage us, Lord, and let the love survive.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Prayer Journal:

In a few hours, I’ll go have some breakfast. My rebate and social security checks will have arrived in my account via direct deposit. I hope I don’t faint between now and then. I feel as though I ran a marathon on very little sleep.

I am hoping Deb is all right. I would like to help her out with her veterinary bill.

Dear God, whether Deb and I are together or apart, don’t let anything happen to her.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Prayer Journal:

I am not sleeping again tonight. I returned from Deb’s house a few hours ago. We had another argument. We were doing well. We were having dinner—takeout. I paid her $150 toward her electric bill. She made a long-distance phone call to her family in Alabama. She wanted to go down there with me. It led to an argument. I didn’t want to impulsively take off and leave everything behind, so I took the bus home.

With my check, I paid my arthritis doctor, my rent