A Widow in Waiting

By Tiny Rose

We are all human, and as such, sometimes have thoughts that we are too afraid to say out loud even though we feel them. This book lets you know that youre not alone. We all say things, do things, and feel things when we are frightened and struggling to survive; no one should ever judge you ... not now, not ever.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: May 26, 2004
• ISBN: 9781418424565

Tiny Rose

Tiny Rose is a widow who is sharing her deepest and innermost thoughts and feelings that occurred during her husband''s fight with cancer.  She currently attends college in pursuit of a degree in health information.  She lives at home in Connecticut with her two sons and her dog Cooper, who is named after the physician who desperately sought to give her family more time together.

Book preview

A Widow In

Waiting

by

Tiny Rose

AH%20logo_Blk.eps

1663 LIBERTY DRIVE, SUITE 200

BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA 47403

[phone]

WWW.AUTHORHOUSE.COM

© 2004 Tiny Rose.

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 04/29/04

ISBN: 1-4184-2456-0 (e)

ISBN: 1-4184-2457-9 (sc)

Bloomington, Indiana

Contents

Acknowledgement

March 3, 2000

March 11, 2000

Until we meet again, Tiny Rose

March 18, 2000

March 25, 2000

April 1, 2000

April 8, 2000

April 15, 2000

April 22, 2000

May 6, 2000

May 13, 2000

May 20, 2000

May 27, 2000

June 3, 2000

June 10, 2000

June 19, 2000

June 24, 2000

July 1, 2000

Tiny update (June 2000)

July 8, 2000

July 15, 2000

July 22, 2000

July 29, 2000

August 5, 2000

August 12, 2000

August 16, 2000

August 19, 2000

August 22, 2000

August 26, 2000

August 29, 2000

September 2, 2000

September 9, 2000

September 17, 2000

October 10, 2000

October 18, 2000

November 8, 2000

November 19, 2000

December 6, 2000

December 2000 – Win, Lose or Draw

From Lily to family members: December, 2000

December 24, 2000

December 31, 2000

January 17, 2001

January 28, 2001

Letter from Lily – 2/01

February, 2001

February 27, 2001

March 8, 2001

March 16, 2001

March 25, 2001

April 16, 2001

May 5, 2001

June 5, 2001

June 10, 2001

August 9, 2001

September, 2001 – And Then There Was One

April, 2004

About The Author

Acknowledgement

To my sons, Mark and David, whose very existence forced me to get up each and every day when it would have been easier not to…

To my siblings, Walter, Lily, Mary, Billy, and Joey, whose unwavering support and loyalty allowed me to stay focused on the road less traveled while silently enduring their own pain and heartache…

To Donna and Ron, who never gave up or let us give up…

To my friends and family members who braved the weekly tirades via email, no matter how ugly, in a never ending show of unconditional love and support…

To everyone at Yale New Haven Hospital, and you know who you are, who gave of themselves selflessly in hopes of offering comfort to someone in need…

And to Tony, who showed me what being courageous really meant, who figured out how precious life really is, who taught me about acceptance, and who smiled in spite of it all…

Thank you, now and always.

It took 545 days to get from there to here. Some of those days were the longest of my life; others went by in the blink of an eye. So fast that I could hardly keep up. Not that I even wanted to.

From that first day I knew I would end up here. I prayed, pleaded and bartered but still wound up in the same place. Would I still be here, in this silent abyss if I just shook my fist at the sky, if I didn’t try so hard? Probably, but I would never be able to look in the mirror.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

One tried so hard and gave their all,

To keep the dark one held at bay,

To turn and go a different way.

A valiant effort, against the tide,

Where darkness lurks but love abides.

A lonely beacon standing tall,

Mirror, mirror on the wall.February 4, 2000

Dear Family:

I am sure it is very difficult to comprehend the latest event in our life. It is probably too difficult to even call or visit, which is fine. I will try to keep you posted via e-mail or through Lily. Tony’s disease is called Multiple Myeloma. Today, a port was inserted into Tony’s chest area. This will give doctors, nurses, etc., easier access to administer drugs or to draw blood. He is receiving chemo tomorrow (Saturday) and it will run continuously for 4 days. He will then be able to come home. He will have a 3 week resting period and then this 4 day, 3 weeks will continue 2 more times. The next 2 times he will not have to go into the hospital. A nurse will hook him up with his new dose and he will probably have some sort of fanny pack to carry his chemo around. I am hoping that he doesn’t have a very bad reaction to the stuff. After this 3 cycle event, he will then go to Yale for a special procedure in which blood stem cells (baby bone marrow) will be drawn from his body and frozen until the doctor at Yale feels there is a sufficient amount. His body will then be purged with a LOT of chemo to make sure every nook and cranny has been taken care of and then the stem cells will be returned to his body. It is a short procedure; he’ll return home the same day even though he will be very ill. Recovery time should be approximately 1 ½ weeks. There is no cure for this disease, but it is treatable. He will be monitored on a regular basis and if there is any change, some type of treatment will occur. He is in very good spirits and we are hoping the 4 days of chemo will not be too debilitating. Prayers are very helpful. I do wish you to know that I am no longer afraid of this disease we call cancer. It has shaken me for a little while, but I am no longer afraid nor will I ever be again.

It is to be thought of in the same way as diabetes. It will be something that we will live with and monitor. We will continue living for as long as we can and hope you will join us in our journey toward old age. I hope this has helped you all understand a little bit more of what will be going on in our lives over the next few months. I will keep you posted with updates. As I said before, prayers are always welcome.

Tiny~

March 3, 2000

Dear Friends and Family:

Hope everyone is well and enjoying the weather. It’s sunny and around 50 degrees here which is a nice change of pace! Since I last wrote, things have been different around here. The weekend crash that we were expecting didn’t show up until Sunday at around 6:00 p.m. Tony never got tired, he just had a very hard time walking. It seems that his legs, from the top of his thighs on down just hurt. I tried to find out if it was his muscles that were hurting or his bones and he couldn’t tell. I know this disease eats away at the bones and so I was very concerned with this new turn of events. He was able to minimize the pain with the pain pills he was given, even though he was reluctant to take them. Monday’s weekly visit to the oncologist brought more good news regarding Tony’s blood count. The doctor wasn’t too concerned about the leg pain. He felt that it was an effect of the steroids as opposed to the cancer. He did not prescribe anymore steroids since Tony already had his 3 weeks worth. If you all could have seen Tony’s face when he found out! His jaw dropped to the ground. All he could think of was that the drugs give him the energy to get through the week and now he wasn’t getting any. The doctor also said that on Monday (3/6) Tony would receive a 2 hour drip of a drug I believe is called Aridia. It’s something he got in the hospital which helped lower his calcium levels in the blood. Apparently MM (Multiple Myeloma) takes the calcium out of the bones and drops it into the blood stream. The Aridia takes the calcium from the blood and puts it back into the bones. So we went home (drugless) and a little nervous as to what this week would bring. Well, the good news is that Tony has never felt better! Except for the leg pain which he counters with the pain pills, he’s been able to do a number of errands during the day! He has put on a few pounds (thanks to Breyers!) and hopes that he won’t have to start his next Chemo treatment until the 13th. He would like another good week to get a few loose ends wrapped up. (Sounds like the old Tony, doesn’t it?) Also, the doctor would like to, as he puts it, push the Chemo treatment. So, what took 24 hours for four days, he wants to push it into a 20 minute a day session for 4 days. Tony’s concern is what effect this will have on his body. Since it seems to be such an intense treatment, will he respond the same as he did in the hospital, or will it be worse? The other option would be to put him in the hospital for the 4 days and get treated that way. Apparently the doctor can’t get the portable pump which is the way we had planned to administer the Chemo in the first place. This is a decision that I can’t help Tony with. Only he can decide how he wants to do this. I’m just going to back him on this one. So, this week has seemed almost normal. To look at him you would never know that he has this disease running rampant through his body. This evening (Saturday) we are going to a steak house with friends of ours for a GOOD meal. He knows that when he starts his next treatment, he’ll lose his taste buds again, so he wants to take advantage of the buds he has left and eat Steak! I am looking forward to tonight!

To my family who are in Florida attending Cousin Bob’s wedding, I miss you all and you are in my thoughts! Hope you are having a Great time! To my friends & family in the area, on-line and everywhere in between, you’ve been great to me and mine! I look forward to the messages I receive on-line and through snail mail. I know we are in your thoughts and prayers and it offers such a sense of peace! Thanks for everything.

Until, next week~

Tiny Rose

March 11, 2000

Hello everyone! (Be warned this is a long one!)

Welcome to the latest of what looks to be a LONG series of updates. There are a few new members to this subscription and even though they have missed a few of the issues, I’m sure they’ll catch on quickly! Let’s begin, shall we?

Last Saturday, Tony and I went with our friends and had a wonderful steak dinner. It was great to be out, enjoying good food and feeling almost normal again. On Sunday, Tony spent the day outside with David and Mark (who came home for the night) washing David’s truck and just doing manly things with the boys. It was nice to see and there wasn’t any resentment on the boys’ part. Usually they have an air about them that they would rather be doing something else, but not this time. It was a moment to cherish. Monday, Tony went to the doctors on his own, expecting to spend about 2 hours there receiving Aridia. The doctor tested Tony’s blood; his counts came back good and decided to postpone the Aridia drip until this week to correspond with the chemo treatment. Tony was so excited that he got another week to do errands that he didn’t even question the doctor. He grabbed his coat and RAN!!!!! He called me at work and he sounded like a little kid who got away with something! The euphoria didn’t last long, however. When I got home from work on Wednesday, he was on the couch and didn’t look quite right. He had a headache and he said that he couldn’t get this mind to stop.

All of the things that he needs to do keep running round and round in his head and he was stressed out about it. I guess since he knows that his next session is around the corner, he wants to get as much done as possible. The more he thought about it, the worse it got. He hardly slept on Wednesday night and on Thursday morning he was shot. While we were eating breakfast, he started to tremble, which he has just started to realize is a side effect of the chemo. I could tell that he was holding back and after getting him to open up, he finally broke down and cried. Watching this macho man cry was gut wrenching. He finally understood that even though he was keeping himself busy by doing errands, he was actually running away from his problems. There is a tremendous amount of paperwork that needs to be done, and when he looks at it as a whole, it’s overwhelming. Then when he takes into consideration that he has a limited amount of time to accomplish all of this, because when you have cancer, you live and plan around your treatments, he feels helpless.

I offered to stay home to help him organize but he wouldn’t let me. He said we needed the money and that he wouldn’t leave the house without doing a bit of organizing. I suggested that he write down everything that was circling in his head. This way he wouldn’t have to worry about remembering it all. I tried to make him understand that he couldn’t afford to get stressed out because he wasn’t helping his body. He needs to go into chemo as refreshed in mind and body as possible.

When I got home on Thursday, he had a list of things that he had accomplished. I believe there were about 15-20 items on his list. A majority of these things he was able to do using the phone and he has started to get his ducks in a row.

On Friday he ran into an old acquaintance. This acquaintance had a friend who also had MM and did the chemo route. When Tony asked how this friend had made out, the person’s face just went blank. He changed the subject by asking Tony how his treatments were going and never referred to his friend again. By the time I got home, Tony was beside himself. He believes that this friend died of MM. He said that he is keeping his lips sealed about his condition for fear of hearing things he doesn’t want to know. He was full of questions for me. He wants answers from his doctor and he wanted to know what I know. He wants to know how long he has. I explained that the average was 4 years, but that he shouldn’t use that statistic