Embracing Life: Surviving the Struggle by Learning to Embrace the Experience

By Emeka Obi Anyiam

Embracing Life will help you become the best version of yourself.
Emeka Anyiam, a licensed marriage and family therapist, focuses on the stages of life as defined by famous ego psychologist Erik Erickson, elaborating on his work by incorporating contemporary issues.

The author observes that we tend not to embrace uncomfortable feelings or actions. Instead, we may attempt to suppress those thoughts, feelings, actions, or circumstances that do not fit the image we want to project.
While it is easy for us to embrace comforting thoughts, feelings, and specific actions, it is imperative to we also embrace those discomforting thoughts, feelings, and specific actions and those sad circumstances as well. The more you embrace who you are, the more empowered you will be.
Join the author as he explores the value of recognizing the whole of who you are—the good and the bad—and how to live the life you were meant to live.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Nov 21, 2022
• ISBN: 9781664279803

Emeka Obi Anyiam

Emeka Anyiam is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Florida who has been helping people embrace their best life for seventeen years. He holds an undergraduate degree in sociology, a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, and a doctoral degree in ministry. He has a thriving therapy practice, Embridge Counseling Services, in Daytona Beach.

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 Emeka Obi Anyiam.

Second Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

844-714-3454

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Scripture quotations taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version® NIV® Copyright © 1973 1978 1984 2011 by Biblica, Inc. TM. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7981-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7982-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-6642-7980-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022918401

WestBow Press rev. date: 02/08/2023

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my one and only mother, Abigail Adaugo Anyiam, who passed away in 2005. She may not have been well known or glorified by the masses, but she was everything to me. The impact she made on my life and the lives of those around her was immeasurable. I can feel her quiet confidence and effortless grace all around me each and every day. She will always be in my heart.

CONTENTS

Preface

Chapter 1 Embracing Pregnancy

Chapter 2 Embracing Childhood and Parenting

Chapter 3 Embracing Adolescence

Chapter 4 Embracing Adulthood

Chapter 5 Embracing Relationships

Chapter 6 Embracing Family

Chapter 7 Embracing the End of Life

Chapter 8 The Unembraceables

References

PREFACE

T he word embrace originates from the Latin term bracchim and is referred to as embracer in Old French. Embrace means to encircle, surround, enclose. In much of our lives, we embrace certain things and places we love. However, we do not embrace many parts of our lives’ circumstances, such as feelings we do not accept and circumstances we reject entirely. In fact, there are certain situations or conditions our society frowns upon that are utterly unacceptable, such as bullying, racism, terrorism, and illegal activities. In some cases, due to high expectations and pressures from our society, some tend to violate their own morals by embracing morals that contradict their own, just because our society says to. Sometimes, in some situations, we also allow some individuals to determine what we should or should not embrace in our lives. Allowing others to have total control over us could stem from many areas of life, including how we were brought up and changes made along the way.

We tend not to embrace uncomfortable feelings or actions. Instead, we may attempt to suppress those thoughts, feelings, actions, or circumstances that do not fit who we claim to be. By doing so, we may end up not being the person we intended to be. While it is easy for us to embrace comforting thoughts, feelings, and specific actions, it is imperative that we also embrace those discomforting thoughts, feelings, and specific actions and those sad circumstances as well. I love this about myself but I hate this about myself. As humans, we cannot just accept or embrace part of our being. We must always recognize the whole of who we are, whether it is good or bad. Even though we may not like specific features or characteristics about ourselves, they are part of us, and should be accepted and integrated into our whole.

Embracement is a word we probably act on or use when it suits us or when things are moving favorably in our lives. We reject it when things are not moving in the right direction for us. One can hold himself hostage if he fails to embrace certain thoughts, feelings, or discouraging circumstances. Remember how the saying goes, Attack the problem, not the person? Just understand that we, as individuals, attack ourselves instead of the problem by not acknowledging, accepting, or embracing the situation by feeling sorry for ourselves and believing that we should not be going through the situation. Instead, we lash out at others.

One of the things I see happen to a lot of people is the less we accept ourselves as a whole, regardless of what we are feeling and thinking and the circumstances we’re facing, the more difficult it is to find our footing to work toward resolving the issue(s). However, the more we embrace who we are (not what anyone wants us to be or look like or what society has pressured us into being), the more empowered we will feel. We will then be more likely to find our footing and identify which steps we need to take to combat those feelings, thoughts, or circumstances.

This book is meant to empower the reader by helping you to better understand the benefits of integrating the good and the bad about yourself into the whole you and not to feel ashamed of it. It will also help you understand that having uncomfortable feelings or thoughts and facing unexpected or discouraging circumstances are appropriate as well. I see it as unfortunate that some people try as hard as they do to suppress, deny, reject, or abandon what they see happening or how they feel. If they embraced it then they would be being able to take practical, necessary steps to resolve whatever is going on with them. Is it possible? Absolutely. Do these steps I present require as much effort as necessary to conquer the situation or ensure the problems is resolved? Yes. Embracing those thoughts, feelings, and circumstances does it mean that you should go out and celebrate because you’re going through those issues or situations. Absolutely not. However, by embracing them, you have been able to identify what the problem is and that you are willing to do something constructive or take necessary steps to resolve it. How about some people who do acknowledge, accept, or embrace their circumstances, but fail to take steps required to fix them? Don’t you think that embracing them and taking actions go hand in hand? I understand that it’s complicated and very challenging to want to embrace unfavorable circumstances or uncomfortable feelings, and it is a process. If we all try harder, we will get there sometime eventually. It’s never too late to start embracing.

We face multiple challenges, both expected and unexpected, as we move from one developmental stage to the other as identified and elaborated by Eric Erickson (Erickson 1994). In a nutshell, Eric Erickson (June 15, 1902–May 12, 1994) was an American-German psychologist who expanded on Sigmund Freud’s original five stages of development and stressed how our environment played a significant role in self-awareness, adjustment, human development, and identity. It is important to understand that these challenges can occur during a time in our lives when they ease the turmoil we would experience. It is better to embrace the nature and reality of the circumstances we face instead of burying our heads in the sand and pretending they’re not happening. It is 100 percent OK to feel emotional about every challenge we face, such as losing a loved one, losing your job, being diagnosed with medical or mental health issues, being separated from your partner, getting divorced, or having weight issues. No one’s life is perfect or whole, and even if you have not been through any of the circumstances I identified above, someone close to you may have gone through one or more of them. How you deal with each situation matters to you and everyone around you.

Close your eyes for one minute and imagine a wise man in a fortified city who had answers to every question or problem. In the same town, there is a very jealous and arrogant man who believed he could prove him wrong by showing that he didn’t have answers to every question and problem. He caught a butterfly and thought he could trick the wise man into failing to answer his questions correctly. When he got to the wise man’s house while holding the butterfly in his hand, he asked the wise man, Dead or alive? If the wise man said alive, he would pinch the butterfly and drop it to prove him wrong, and if the wise man said dead, he would let the butterfly loose to fly away. Either way, he would prove him wrong. After he asked, the wise man stared at him, smiled, and responded that it depended on him to either kill the butterfly or let it loose. The jealous and arrogant man walked out of his house very angry and frustrated. What you need to understand is that even though we face highs and lows, how we handle each situation determines the outcome. Remember, the first step is to embrace whatever the challenge is or will be. Then you will feel in control to get to the next level.

My name is Emeka Anyiam. I am originally from Nigeria and have been in the United States for more than twenty-five years. I am a United States citizen and possess a doctoral degree in ministry and a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. I am currently licensed in the state of Florida and possess an adoption competency certification. I am an approved supervisor for mental health and marriage and family therapist interns here in Florida. I have been in the field of social work for almost twenty years and now am the president and CEO of a thriving agency known as Embridge Counseling Services, LLC. I was a pastor before I left Nigeria. I was a local ministerial candidate at a church in New Jersey, and served as a pastor at a church here in Florida.

CHAPTER 1

EMBRACING PREGNANCY

DISCOVERING YOU’RE PREGNANT

It’s an amazing experience to become pregnant and have babies—truly a blessing. Finding out your partner is pregnant is a glorious moment for some couples, but not quite for others. Immediately in a woman’s pregnancy, the fetus and the mother form an unimaginably close bond. Her body begins transforming from being an individual to being a parent. Being pregnant can be a very vulnerable time in a woman’s life as her body transforms. Her thinking changes and her nurturing nature appears. Some women stop living their old lifestyles and start with the new. It’s not about the couple any longer but about the fetus in the woman’s womb. On the other hand, some men may start forming that bond after the birth of their child. Isn’t it fascinating how the child, after birth, can communicate thoughts and feelings without the need for verbal communication or use of sign language? It comes naturally for the mother to know what her baby is communicating with her. Isn’t that incredible?

I remember a time I went to visit a friend of mine who had a newborn. When I arrived at the couple’s home, the woman welcomed me in, took me on tour to look around the baby’s room, and then excitedly gave me the baby to hold. Before doing so, the child was at peace and very quiet. When his mother handed him to me, he burst out crying. I tried everything I could, but the baby would not stop crying. Once I gave the baby back to his mother, he stopped screaming and was at peace again.

The story this couple told me about when the husband first learned his wife was pregnant was an interesting one. At seven o’clock one morning, the wife woke up and realized that she had missed her period the month before. She decided to secretly purchase a pregnancy test to be sure before she said anything to her husband. When she took the test, it was positive. She was shocked, and then she became concerned because she was not quite sure how her husband would react to the news. It seemed like they were barely making it through, and a baby would make things harder. She became anxious as she kept pondering in her heart how her husband would respond to the news. The next morning, she told him she was pregnant. The man asked, What did you just say? His wife responded, I am pregnant, honey. The man was speechless for a moment and then jumped out of their bed with only his boxers on and ran out of the house screaming, My wife is pregnant! My wife is pregnant! My wife is pregnant!

At first, she thought her husband was screaming at her, but then she realized what he was screaming about. The man woke up his neighbors while he was screaming and running around his neighborhood with barely any clothes on. Some neighbors came out, wondering what was going on, but ran back into their houses, only to run back out with their phones to take a photo of the half-naked madman. Thank God they had understanding neighbors who embraced that moment with them. While they were sharing their favorite moment with me, they were both making eye contact with each other and laughing at the parts they shared through their humorous story. Then the woman mentioned that she did panic for a minute, as she thought her husband lost his mind and needed to be restrained. She knew it would be OK, but she was concerned that he would shut down. Shutting down was not the case at all, she said. It was hilarious, and I could not stop laughing while I listened to them. I tried to picture this man prancing around in his boxers in celebration of his wife’s pregnancy and said, Hmm, what can beat that? Then I realized how much they loved each other and cared for their baby. The wife said that immediately after that short and sweet embarrassment, her husband started laying down the dos and don’ts his wife must abide by to keep both her and her baby safe. With excitement on her face, his wife replied, We shall see, honey. Their extended families were notified of the good news, and some family members put their two cents in as well with suggestions of what they should name the baby.

MISCARRIAGE

Not every couple responds in the way described above, and not every woman carries the baby to term, unfortunately. When I received a call from one of my closest friends who told me his wife, who was six months pregnant, had a miscarriage, my heart dropped. I felt sick to my stomach and was speechless almost the whole day. Then the question I asked God was, Why? This couple did everything right throughout the pregnancy, and still they lost their baby. I could not imagine the pain they were experiencing. I left work and rushed to the hospital to see them. I tried to keep it together, but my emotions overwhelmed me. I left the room to use the bathroom, and that was where I let loose. I watched them suffer through the unimaginable emotional pain and could not do anything about it other than pray for them. They were so looking forward to having that baby that they had already spent a fortune decorating the baby’s room. The encouraging part was that their hospital room was filled with loved ones. Some health issues had prevented his wife from carrying that baby to full term. By God’s grace, after two years, they ended up having twin boys, and they are very happy to this day.

Sometimes it’s very difficult to embrace the reality of something like this, but we always have to find the strength and courage to do so by moving forward and refusing to accept any defeat. Life is not fair at times, but God knows what is best. We may not