Journey from Grief: Life Transformation After Loss

By Andi Fraley

Journey from Grief is Andi Fraleys first book and is an insightful portrayal of a major life challenge we all will experience eventually.

One morning while on holiday, the shocking and unexpected loss of her fianc forever changed her life. This point in time marked the beginning of her story and the day her struggle with grief began. His death sent her entire physical, mental, and emotional constructs of life into a tumultuous rollercoaster of bewilderment and disbelief. Culminating with severe vertigo and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, she considered all options, including suicide, as an alternative to living the rest of her life, forever in grief.

In these pages, she discusses the sensitive issues embedded in death, loss, and grief, and the energy and fear these issues hold over us. She takes us through the trials and tribulations of her personal grieving process, so we may learn ways to heal, rather than become a victim of lifes circumstances. It is her wish to share her experience and provide support to others who are making their own journeys from grief. She offers deeply personal insight to help understand what you, your family member, or your friend may be struggling with or keeping locked inside during grief and major life struggle.

No one needs to suffer alone or resist a life transformation unwittingly. If you are suffering from a devastating loss of a loved one, a career, financial downfall, or even facing retirement, Journey from Grief will be your companion in healing to encourage and promote discussion with your innermost fears and thoughts. With stillness and insight, everyone may find light within the darkest days and love that lasts forever.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Dec 10, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504342773

Andi Fraley

Andi Fraley is a Registered Architect and lives on Maui with her golden retriever and yellow labrador. She has studied at Parsons School of Design/ New School of Social Research, Pratt Institute and the Kansas City Art Institute. She has a Master’s of Architecture from the University of Colorado and a BFA double major in Anthropology and Studio Fine Art from Sweet Briar College. Journey from Grief is her first book. You may visit with Andi online at: link or @AndiFraley on Twitter.

Book preview

Copyright © 2015 Andi Fraley.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

1 [phone]

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Cover Photograph Credit to Author. Sunrise, Haleakala National Park, Maui, Hawaii

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4278-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4279-7 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5043-4277-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015916585

Balboa Press rev. date: 12/3/2015

CONTENTS

Introduction

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1    What has just happened?

Crisis & Reaction

Shock & Suicide

Rite of Passage

Chapter 2    De-mystify Grief

The Funeral

Mourning

Grief

Chapter 3    The Mile Markers of Grief

Plan your Journey from Grief

Stage 1: Shock – Trauma – Separation

Stage 2: Bargaining and Denial

Stage 3: Pain and Guilt [Regrets]

Stage 4: Depression Parts 1, 2 and 3

Stage 5: Surrender with Acceptance and Reflection

Stage 6: Frustration and Anger

Stage 7: Life Re-Construction –Connection- Raising Awareness

Stage 8: Attitude

Vision board

Chapter 4    Questions

To Ask or Not to Ask, Now, That is the Question.

Death and Afterlife

I Have Never Seen Heaven, yet, I Believe It Exists.

Our Choice with Options

Totems

Chapter 5    Love Never Dies

Attitude

Rediscovering Self Image

Image and Karma

Re-engage

Transform

Love

About The Author

For those who wish to the stars…

INTRODUCTION

This book is written from my own life experience after the shocking and significant loss of my Fiancé. Our life had come full circle and been neatly packaged and labeled with happily ever after. We would both sigh and giggle at the thought of the happiness we had finally found together. Simon passed unexpectedly one morning, when we had expected to grow old together and his death sent my entire physical, mental and emotional constructs of life into a tumultuous rollercoaster of bewilderment and disbelief.

When I awoke on the morning of his two year death anniversary, I honestly had no idea where time had gone without him. I had just returned from a trip abroad, seeing his granite grave stone installed and attended the wedding of his brother all in one weekend and it had impacted me more profoundly than I ever would have ever imagined. The trip, I had thought would help me to find some closure had instead, opened and salted all my wounds. As a result, I no longer wanted to live life the way it was going, life had been cruel and I did not want to play the game anymore. Severe vertigo symptoms continued and intensified. My outlook grew dim, and considering all options, including suicide, my symptoms progressed. As my health was failing quickly, my doctors ordered a full battery of tests. The results came in, and there were no medically based causes for the intensity of my symptoms. After further probing, the result was that I was experiencing posttraumatic stress disorder. It was very real, embarrassing and my illness was rooted in my lack of proper mourning and being stuck in Grief. Looking back, it was clear that I had not taken time to mourn and had returned to life and work immediately, as that was what society expected.

How could I have been so unprepared emotionally for what I faced in life? Why was I still unbalanced and reeling so long after the event? How would I gain understanding of the impact of my loss and come to terms with my life? Would I ever enjoy living again? How does one create the proper environment to heal without feeling helpless, ashamed and vulnerable when society demands we keep marching forward? When life has thrown us a concussive blow, how do we avoid becoming a victim? How does one recover after devastating loss when, without warning, we are thrust into an emotionally intense wilderness without a clear path ahead? How do we know to forge a new life when we want nothing more than to cling to our previous life?

It is my wish that no one has to suffer and stay stuck in Grief. I hope this book will provide others a way to journey through grieving with a deeper understanding and appreciation of the process for your own understanding or to shed light on what your family or friends may be experiencing. If you are in Grief, my wish is to help you to realize that you are not alone in this journey. Don’t trivialize your negative or dark thoughts, as they are real and may be harmful to you and your health if you continue to deny their presence. If you feel you are having thoughts of suicide, cannot find one glimmer of light or reason to live, then, put this guide down now and seek help from friends, family and professional council. There is nothing to be ashamed of in experiencing deep soul pain. Loss is real. Much like phantom pains of an amputation, Grief is the constant ache of losing a loved one. Realize, too, that this process is not dedicated to only those who are in Grief due to the passing of a loved one. I feel this guide may also assist those who have suffered with the loss of a career, finances, divorce and even retirement. Each of these major life events, challenge our belief systems and force us to transform, change, grow and expand our life, ready or not.

By choosing to accept and to face life challenges, we learn to not become a victim of life events. It is my sincere hope that this book may assist with your own life transformation and Journey from Grief.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My heartfelt thank you for my friends, your love and kindness has sustained me and without your support, I would not be writing this right now. For all those judgmental, egotistical and just plain difficult people throughout my life, thank you for teaching me so many valuable lessons of life. To know the importance of resiliency, grace, tact and being able to find my voice to speak the truth.

Special note for those who have opened my heart, eyes and mind to advanced research, theories and healing bodywork including: Carl Dubitsky, Kim I. McKinley, Dr. Mary Ann Keatley, and especially, Dr. Robert Scaer and Stanley Chang. Carmen Fontaine, James Van Praagh and Patricia Pike, thank you for encouraging me to write.

Simon John Nimrod Newman, always larger than life, your love and soul forever touched my life and soul. I know you continue to light up my world from the stars above, just as you did when you were here. I dedicate the rest of my life to your honor and will be living to the fullest right up to my last moment, as I know you would expect nothing less.

Last yet most, thanks to my Mom.

CHAPTER 1

What has just happened?

Crisis & Reaction

How you and others react in a crisis situation is vital to the health and well-being of all involved. As your head is spinning and every cell of your being is overwhelmed, no matter how complicated the situation, you will have two choices. The first is to shut down and melt into an unresponsive puddle, fainting to avoid sheer and utter panic. The other is to respond in the best way humanly possible to find a way to detach your emotions, remain calm enough to help and save a life, if possible. For the latter, it will feel like you have shape shifted into an incredible hulk, though the reality is you are a human doing the best you are able at that moment. All we may do to help one another in an accident or crisis situation is just that, the best we are able to do, no more no less in that moment. To realize that we have no control of life and death is to know we are human. We must not attach ourselves to the outcome, for if we do, we are being unwise and unrealistic of our human capabilities. To know and accept that people will die, our loved ones will die, and we cannot change this fact no matter how much we know, wish, want, demand or insist. None of us will live forever.

What we do have control over is our thoughts at all times, and, especially, at the time of a life and death event. We may feel that we do not have any control over the thoughts that run through our mind in those seconds, but we do have complete control at all times. In that flash, what is our immediate first thought as we instantly realize that a loved one or a stranger near us is in danger or worse has fallen into a non-responsive condition? Consider what your personal reaction to a life or death crisis may be in order to be better prepared and aware, for that moment may be before you when you least expect. Know that the thought and reaction you have in that split second may forever impact life and lives. Is it possible that split second thought may be a basis for understanding a core human condition we all share? What is that thought? Is it unique to each of us or do we only have a few finite possibilities to consider from human experiences? What role does that split second thought mean to us at that moment of initial loss, and how does that thought play out in our lives as time marches forward after loss?

There are many possible reactions in response to a crisis situation. Are we the one who will rush in without a thought of self-preservation to help another? Are we processing and assessing at light speed in our subconscious mind the potential risks of all involved as we rush in to harm’s way contrasted to those who may stand by frozen unable to process what is unfolding before their eyes? Perhaps, some will choose to keep walking by too busy to notice or care, or, honestly, not have the presence of mind to register the intensity of the situation. Another reaction may be to totally disassociate from the event and consciously choose to do nothing. Not helping another person in danger for fear of getting someone else’s blood on their hands or choosing not to give another human mouth to mouth for fear of exchanging bodily fluids, some may stand by as the person dies in front of them. We shudder to think that it is possible for a human to not help another, though this is real and it happens. What about someone who has the initial urge to help, but may feel incapable or too scared to do anything to help? In that split second for a life and death situation, some may fear that should they try to help, they may be sued if the person does die after all. Does someone help, do the best they are able and find out it was not enough to save a life? Could they have done something more effective instead or would anything else helped? Was it enough to simply comfort someone injured and ease their suffering? How do we know the proper response to administer unless we are trained emergency medical technicians? At what point do we let go of the outcome and accept death?

At times, death is shockingly unexpected. At other times, a passing is expected and anticipated in losing a loved one to a terminal illness or knowing an aging relative with a congenital physical defect has reached a maximum life expectancy. We try to prepare our minds and hearts of the impending death, raise our attentiveness to their condition and needs in order to be better prepared. What is being prepared in those moments? In these situations, are we able to come to terms with the death of a loved one and our own life expectancy? Whatever we may do to come to terms with death, we will not feel fully impacted until the physical loss is felt as an endless void in our lives. No one may really prepare our heart and soul for the absence a person leaves in our life after they are gone, no matter what we tell our minds to believe. Does our initial reaction to their death indicate how we will manage our mourning and Grief following their passing?

When we experience the shock associated with a death of a loved one, how will we react?

Shock & Suicide

Our instantaneous reactions are just as important to consider when we are delivered shockingly unexpected news as when a life threatening crisis is unfolding around us. The furthest thing in our minds to consider is how we will respond upon hearing devastating news, as often we may have no memory of our immediate reaction or be conscious and able to control of our own reactions. Others, who are trained to deliver and communicate disturbing and upsetting news to us, will be concerned for our safety and aware of what ranges our reactions may take. More importantly, they will be concerned with our ability and keenness of self-preservation during the moments and days to follow after experiencing devastating loss. It took months for me to look back and to realize why everyone was so concerned for my safety that fateful day; so much so, a complete stranger offered to sit with me and accompany me to hospital. During this time, it was uncertain how I would react in my state of shock. After a devastating loss, one is never truly in command of their faculties. The word react by definition refers to an action we perform in response to an event or situation.

If we are compelled to react immediately and guided by shock, fear or utter hopelessness, the worst possible scenario may unfold. This split second thought and decision may, in turn, impact our own fate and those we love. The potential to layer tragedy upon tragedy is real during these times. The worst way to react would be to mirror the story of the fate of King of Athens or Aegeas of whom the Aegean Sea was named. In this myth, Thiseas, the son of King Aegeas, was to hoist and fly white sails on his ship upon his return home as a sign he had survived battle. King Aegeas reacted instantly and jumped to his death off the cliffs from the Temple of Poseidon upon seeing his son’s ship flying black sails. His son survived battle and had simply forgotten to change the sails, making his father’s death all the more tragic. The reason I reference this myth of King Aegeus is for us to be aware of the extremes we may encounter upon our worst possible fears and nightmares becoming reality, and how we may fall victim to our reactions moments, days or years after a life changing event has occurred, and how the negativity of our own thoughts may take over our best judgment.

Over an emotional blur of the previous two days, I had attended a wedding with his family and struggled to come to terms with how life and God could so horribly cheat him and them of love and happiness. As I mingled with his family trying to be the vibrant person he loved, all I really wanted to do was withdraw and melt into a puddle of tears. The same weekend, I saw with the heaviest finality my Finance’s name carved into granite, as his headstone was finished and installed. There was something less final, less weighty, with the temporary brass name plate and wood cross grave marker. His passing was dramatically final, now. All these emotions, feelings and dread were percolating during the long flight across the pond. Upon arrival, the location, sights and my emotions created a whirlwind, and being with his family in his home, made his absence all the more intense for everyone. His passing and my mid-life crisis were crashing in on me, at once. Life was forcing me to face a massive difficulty and insisting on a re-examination of my life yet, at this time, I could not see the forest for the trees surrounding Grief.

After, flying to Athens with this whirlwind inside me, I went to begin a pilgrimage to Greek mythology. I had dreamed of this pilgrimage since childhood for happy reasons. Now, for completely different reasons, here I was unknowingly overloading all of my circuits. After arriving at Poseidon’s temple, my head was spinning beyond measure and my soul was aching beyond words. My mind was flooded with all my and our failed dreams and life plans. We loved, laughed, and felt fate was in our corner for at least 60 more years for us to grow old together. Considering the geographical distance and life obstacles we had overcome in order to find each other so late in life and with such intensity, we felt it was only fitting and proper our life ahead was filled with golden years. It was not to be for us.

My reality was my loved one had drowned in the ocean while we were on holiday. Two years later, still pursuing any form of solace, I had traveled to the Temple of Poseidon making the pilgrimage and stood on the cliffs gazing across the blue waters. Here, in my mind, was the source of the ocean and home to Poseidon or Neptune, one and the same of the ocean that claimed the life of my love. The Earth’s body of water covers around 70% of our planet, and we, ourselves, are about as much made of water, too. Being an advanced scuba diver and lover of all things marine, it was difficult and incredibly overwhelming to wrap my head around how the very environment I loved and found so full of vitality had taken the life of someone so integral to my life. I had made this pilgrimage in the hope of making peace with the ocean for taking him away, and to find answers and insight to begin life anew.

At that moment, standing there, I was caught up in a swirl of negativity and had trouble focusing on reasons to want to continue to live a life that would be riddled with more challenges and struggle. I completely had forgotten my intention to make peace with the gods of the ocean and move forward. Feeling so tired and drained from the last two years and being emotionally combustible, I just wanted to give up the struggle. I had not been prepared to even consider losing him in such a way and felt I simply did not have the strength or desire to take any more direct hits life had to hand out after his passing. Life only seemed more difficult and lonely. If I were to live out my life, I knew I was not up for anymore heartache and hardship and knew no one was insulated, apparently not me that was certain. Besides, who else but me could really say enough is enough. His death had taken the fight and will right out of my veins. Really, what was the point in all these trials and tribulations we endure throughout our lives, I thought to myself? Why did anyone have to endure such heartache and loss? Where was God in these times and what was all this human suffering and my suffering for anyway?

Why suffer any longer? I thought if only I could take my ticket for this life back to the sales window and tell them I no longer wanted to continue this trip. This was a ride I had not intentionally signed on and these details unfolding in my life were not fair or satisfactory. I was certain it all needed to stop and start over with a different outcome, immediately. As I stood there on the cliff edge, the winds picked up speed after the sun had set and I really wanted to put an end to all my heartache and suffering as the rains came. I did not want to continue and make the best of the circumstances which I had been given by life. I was shattered and did not have the energy to muster a happy face and continue any longer. What was the point? I had lived a good life and had seen so much more than most people living the same number of years. I wanted to join him on the other side. What was over there? Whatever it was, it had to be better than here, didn’t it? I considered the story the tour guide had told of the King who over reacted and threw himself off the rocks as all my thoughts and questions were swirling intensely like the winds around me. As darkness fell over the sea, it also fell over me. I compared my situation to the King and thought about how he felt thinking his son was killed in battle. I thought about the loss of a son, and tried to imagine how Simon’s parents must be feeling.

I considered my options. This plan or any plan to terminate my life could fail, I thought, just like the life plan we had for a happily ever after together had failed. Absolutely nothing in life was guaranteed. Men and women plan and God laughs. I literally thought and simulated in my mind what it would take for me to jump from this height. What did that King feel or want to avoid in his last moments as he jumped thinking his son was dead? I had jumped into water filled rock quarries before and it was a plunge, the water was a hard surface at a fraction of the distance where I currently stood. What if death did not come to me or worse, was not instant? I knew I had never wanted to even jump from an airplane to skydive, let alone into water from this height. I knew jumping from a plane with no parachute would bring certain death, but was not sure in this case jumping into the water. I thought about the risk and the veil you breakthrough in order to expand yourself facing risk and potential death. To know and feel how it is to be alive, the adrenaline rush you get from extreme sport and being on the edge. When you push the limits, it seems there is a program of risk calculation running in the background of your mind, your subconscious keeping you safe somehow. You keep the reality of the risk from coming to the front of your mind and instigating fear, fear is the enemy. I literally meditated and visualized on the feeling to soar and to land. Would I have slipped into a surreal consciousness and not feel any pain or feel the impact? I had taken a nasty accidental tumble from a cliff down into a river gorge years before and knew how it felt to fall and to live. There are moments you think it would be easier to die than face your situation and physical pain. I remembered how much my body hurt for weeks after the fall and how difficult it is to push through physical recovery. Was I really going to risk another of God’s curve balls with my life? What if I failed in my willing attempt to jump from a cliff and ended up a bedbound vegetable plastered back together? How could I be certain to finish the job? Was it even my decision to make? I thought about the people who had tried to shoot themselves only to ironically miss or suffer a glancing blow. Is this because they did not really want to succeed and their deep subconscious mind made their aim miss? Or was it because it was not their decision to make? Is our fate our fate even with suicide and accidents, or do we truly have free will?

I was not sure I would be allowed to reunite with my love or my ancestors if I took my own life. Would I have to endure a hell to even start a search to find him or them? Would the powers that be even allow us to find one another under the circumstances of taking my own life? My mind reeled with thought after thought at warp speed. In reality, time was passing so slowly. I stood with indecision, utterly shocked by my own negative thoughts and confusion. In my mind flashed the consequences of a soul if you choose death by suicide? I realized I had not fully considered this action and had not formalized my own view on afterlife and re-incarnation. How was hell or heaven structured? Was there really a heaven or hell; what did I believe? I did not know the answers to all the questions taking over my mind. The one thing I did seem to know was my current life condition was miserable and predictable rolled into one and had not been improving the last couple years. The saying jumping from the frying pan and into the fire came to mind. The fear of the unknown, of taking my own life, and being more alone on the other side and not connecting with anyone or just being lights out dead was more overpowering with a greater fear of the unknown. My dread to keep living the dull existence I had been living since he died was less than the other options I was now considering.

And more, I knew the risk was high and, perhaps, even higher to not succeed and be left to live in this life with physical injuries and more compounding issues to make life even more difficult than it was currently. At that moment, I felt a flash to believe suicide was selfish. To be wallowing here in my own emotions, fears and failures when there must be a purpose for my life. To only consider