Thanks for the Dance: Transforming Grief into Gratitude When Your Spouse Dies

By Fred Abrams and Jeri Abrams;

Your spouses death catapults you into a nightmare -likely the most stressful event of our life. You feel numb, loneliness overwhelms you, you feel adrift - desperate for something to hang onto. You want to pull the covers up over your head and make this all go away. The pain and suffering seem unbearable. You search for some magic answer or formula to make things all better.

Fred and Jeri are two ordinary folks who have both been there and found a pathway they hope will help you find your way too.

Pain is Inevitable - Suffering is Optional -Buddhist Proverb

Nothing will make the pain of this loss magically go away. You can reduce the suffering. Fred and Jeri offer numerous suggestions for dealing with the things we all experience, several unique exercises to help you figure out important feelings and emotions, and many inspirational quotations. They talk about things seen in no other book. They made it though this nightmare and so can you!

I had no expectation of finding the book so engaging and so on point.

George Devine, widower

Your book is a kind and generous action to help others during one of the hardest times in a life. Thanks for caring enough to share light when others are in the dark. Fred Dudding, widower

Like a personal support group, helps through the pain of loss and charting a course for those who have loved and lost. An essential guide that offers hope and guidance to those who are grieving. A truly wonderful way to reframe the dark days of hopelessness that follow the death of a partner! And what a gift this roadmap to rebuilding a life this can be for the partner!

Judy Seifer, Ph.D. Professional Marital and Family Therapist

Very MovingToby Talbot, Best Selling Author

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 17, 2013
• ISBN: 9781490808086

Fred Abrams

Fred and Jeri Abrams both lost their spouses in 2004 after marriages of over 25 years. They met in Hospice Grief Support counseling and were married in 2005 at Hospice of Dayton (a real first for Hospice!). Fred is a 69 year old retired Air Force officer (combat experienced fighter pilot and program manager) whose 33 year marriage to a pediatric RN resulted in a son and a daughter (one adopted and one natural) who are now married with children of their own. He now makes his living as a consultant and trainer in project management and leads a Rotary project to establish a sanctuary for AIDS orphans rescued from Africa’s most dangerous slum. He has a BA in mathematics and an MS in system management. Jeri is a 57 year old pediatric RN whose 27 year marriage to an Air Force chaplain resulted in two sons, both now married. The oldest is in his final year of medical school and the youngest is an engineer. She works part time as a home health care nurse, serving medically challenged children who would otherwise be hospitalized. She is active with Fred in the Africa project as she shares a passion with Fred in helping vulnerable children. A major focus of her life since marrying Fred has been continuing to parent her two sons and help Fred dote on his grandkids.

Book preview

Copyright © 2013 Fred Abrams.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

ISBN: 978-1-4908-0807-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-0809-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-0808-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013916448

WestBow Press rev. date: 9/14/2013

Contents

Chapter 1   Treading Water

Chapter 2   Our Stories

Fred

Jeri

Chapter 3   The Difference in Your Story

The Timeline

Financial Circumstances

Family Support

Availability of and receptiveness to support group counseling

Chapter 4   The Immediate Impact of Loss

The traditional process—what the experts say

What we found

Seeking Comfort

Religion:

Friends:

Family:

Chapter 5   The Reality Sets In

Regrets

What I Miss Most

The Physical

The Sharing

The Emotional

Loneliness

Chapter 6   Some Guideposts and Potholes Along the Pathway

What does your life look like?

The elephant in the room

Attitude is Everything in Navigating the Pathway

The Hermit tendency

An Unexpected Pothole in the Pathway

Chapter 7   Along The Rebuilding Pathway

The Role of Passion

Enjoying Life Again

Chapter 8   A New Life Partner?

Going Back

Venturing Out

Falling in Love Again

Revelation:

Chapter 9   The Pathway as Philosophy

Gratefulness

Happiness/Passions

Expectations

Understanding Personality

Understanding Motivations

Some final thoughts on the role of prayer and God’s answers

Chapter 10   Words From Some Witnesses

Hospice Grief Support Group:

Children

Family Members

Friends

Chapter 11   Thoughts About Other Books

Dedication

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To the counselors and members of our grief support group at Hospice of Dayton’s Pathways of Hope.

Thanks for helping us find our pathway.

The highest tribute to the dead is

not grief but gratitude.

-Thornton Wilder-

gratitudecalligraphy.jpg

Calligraphy by Ann Bain

Member-Our Hospice Support Group

Cover design by Sandy Eisenbies

Permissions

Thornton Wilder quote (from The Bridge of Sanh Luis Rey copyright 1927 by the Wilder family)—permission provided by The Barbara Hogenson Agency

Emily Dickenson quotes (from The Poems of Emily Dickinson: Variorum Edition, copyright 1998 by The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press)—permission provided by The Harvard University Press.

Toby Talbot quotes (from A Book About My Mother)—permission provided by Toby Talbot

Amy Bloom quotes—permission provided by Amy Bloom

Anne Wilson Schaef quotes—permission provided by Anne Wilson Schaef, Ph.D.

Yvonne Shinhoster Lamb quote—permission provided by Yvonne Shinhoster Lamb

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross quotes (from On Death and Dying)—permission provided by Ken Ross on behalf of the EKR Foundation (www.EKRFoundation.com)

Vicki Silvers quote of Follow Your Destiny, Wherever it Leads You from the Blue Mountain Arts anthology Follow Your Dreams, copyright 1995—permission provided by Blue Mountain Arts, Inc. with all rights reserved.

Willa Cather quote—permission provided by The Willa Cather Foundation

Jeff Keller quote (from Attitude is Everything)—permission provided by Jeff Keller

Terry Tempest Williams—From FINDING BEAUTY IN A BROKEN WORLD, copyright © 2008 by Terry Tempest Williams. Published by Vintage Books. Used by permission of Brandt & Hochman Literary Agents, Inc.

The Holy Bible—New Living Translation (NLT)—Copyright 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

C.S. Lewis, quotes from A Grief Observed. By permission of the C.S. Lewis Company, Ltd

Ann Bain gratitude calligraphy and chapter 10 input—permission from Ann E. Bain—Carlisle Ohio

Geoff Abrams chapter 10 input—permission from Geoffrey P Abrams—Huntsville AL

Amy Schenck chapter 10 input—permission from Amy E Schenck Dayton Ohio

Doug Bias chapter 10 input—permission from Douglas G Bias—Dayton Ohio

Bryan Bias chapter 10 input—permission from Bryan Bias—Dayton Ohio

Faun Green chapter 10 input—permission from Lydia Faun Green—Peoria IL

Shirley Weil chapter 10 input—permission from Shirley Weil—Bethel Ohio

George Devine chapter 10 input—permission from George Devine—Banner Elk NC

Fred and Kay Dudding chapter 10 input—permission from Frtederick and Kay Dudding—Dayton Ohio

Carolyn Newhouse chapter 10 input—permission from Carolyn Newhouse—Dayton Ohio

Chapter 1

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Treading Water

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness.

Psalm 30:9-10 (NLT)

The condolence flowers are all gone. The neighbors aren’t bringing meals any more. Friends have gone back to living their own lives. I feel like I am treading water to stay afloat alone in a deep, dark sea of despair, the waves of loneliness crash over me. I am afraid I will sink and be lost forever. I want to climb into the bed we shared, pull the covers up over my head and make this all go away. Please God, show me the magic way to escape this nightmare! A well-meaning friend tries to comfort me with I know just how you feel. I want to scream back Oh no you don’t! but bite my tongue.

A family member asks how I feel. I search for the right word; numb, lonely, devastated, hopeless, angry, afraid… . I mumble something; I don’t remember what, in listless response.

I try to keep my waking hours filled with frenetic activity so I don’t have to face the reality of where I am and what has happened to my life. The nights are worse as I fitfully try to find sleep; I cannot escape the reality that the love of my life is gone and I, alone, must figure out how to make it through the darkness of the night and the day ahead. In desperation, I fantasize that I will wake up and will be able to go where I really want to go—back to the way it was.

Every now and then, I feel like maybe my life is returning to normalcy when I am blindsided by a sight, a sound, or a favorite song that drops me to my knees with the reality of what I have lost and floods my day with inconsolable grief. My grief keeps taking control of my life. The road I am traveling seems to be filled with potholes that keep jarring me as I try valiantly to move forward with my life. I ask God will this sadness and suffering never end? Help me! Please!

My mind keeps going back, over and repeatedly, to the final moments of our decades together. Oxygen saturation dropping—increase the flow. The machinery keeps the room filled the sounds of breathing. Increase flow again—it will not go any higher. I hold her hand tightly and watch the saturation drop more and more—the sound of the machinery remains steady. At 50%, I know she is gone. The hospice nurse confirms my fears. I suggest we turn off the equipment; my daughter protests, no, she is still breathing—hear it? We shut it down—the silence is deafening. The three years of dreading this moment are over. My 14-month-old granddaughter Emma looks upward as if she sees something and breaks the silence Mam-maw. No, back, back. No. K, bye bye, mam-maw. I hug her, then my daughter and son, and then Nancy’s 92 year-old mom. I am numb and exhausted and want to be alone.

Sound Familiar?

We have both been there.

No, you are not going crazy—you are where we were and where many other people are this very moment. So many different emotions wracked us when our spouses died. Trying to figure out how to make it through this nightmare became a focus of our lives.

The reality is that there is probably no greater source of anguish than losing your spouse and no greater contributor to stress in one’s life.

The Bad News:

There is no easy, one size fits all answer that will quickly make it all better.

The Good News:

There is a pathway you can follow that will take you through this nightmare and to a place where you can live life again.

The Answer:

You need to get on this pathway. This book offers our best advice to help you define your own approach that will get you through.

The Best News:

We made it through. So Can You.

By intent, this book is heavily autobiographical. We are not professionals at dealing with loss and grief, but merely experienced at it. We want to share the pathway we followed by relating how we coped with what you are now facing.

We hope that reflecting on our journey will help you find a pathway that takes you where you need to go. Our life stories are unique to us and are not a formula or prescription for everyone else.

This book is about first dealing with your loss and then rebuilding your life. Nothing will make the pain of losing your spouse magically go away. Author Joan Didion’s 2005 book (later made into a Broadway play) The Year of Magical Thinking makes this point well—there is no magical solution—you need to face the irrevocable reality of the loss.

This book is about a pathway to reduce the suffering that goes with the pain of loss.

Pain is Inevitable. Suffering is Optional

Buddhist Proverb

We both lost our spouses after over a quarter century of marriage. We met each other in grief support counseling at Hospice of Dayton’s Pathways of Hope. We have been married for seven years now and are happier than we ever thought we could be again.

Are our lives as they were before? No—and they never will be again. They have irrevocably changed and accepting that fact made all the difference.

The title of this book is drawn from what must seem an unlikely source for two people who are not serious fans of country-western music—a Garth Brooks song (written by Tony Arata), The Dance. The core philosophy of that song and our pathway is simple—the only way to avoid the pain you now feel is to have missed the dance. Accept the pain and be grateful for the dance you shared. Transforming your grief into gratitude will lead you to the rebuilding pathway and reduce your suffering.

The focus of this book is on what we experienced, what we thought about and the conclusions we drew. Our journeys and perspectives differed and we depict who is speaking noting Fred: or Jeri:. Some places we draw upon our encounters with others in our same situation and blend them into the text. Where we offer a suggestion of how to approach something, our own answers are the examples—you need to figure your own personal responses.

We are both Christians and find our faith provides us comfort, strength, and guidance in times of need. This book reflects our faith and draws upon faith related sources. Facing loss and grief is clearly not solely a Christian or even a religious thing. While we find many bits of guidance in Jewish, Muslim, Hindu and Buddhist writings, what we offer in this book does not demand religious faith. If you are a person of faith, we try to show how your faith can help you in this trying time. If you are not, we are confident you will find what we offer comforting and valuable in charting your own course back to normalcy.

Chapter 2 tells our stories in detail. Almost everything in our life stories influences how we dealt with our losses and the re-building pathway we followed. Here are some snapshots from the days surrounding our losses.

Fred: August 2004: My wife of thirty-three years, Nancy, has just died after a three-year battle with the effects of a rare autoimmune disease. I knew this day was coming and had tried to prepare myself for it. I found myself just staring into space, not crying, just numb. The crying, and lots of it, came later. Nancy and I had shared many discussions during her final three years focusing on how blessed our life had been together and, in fact, how blessed our entire lives had been. At Nancy’s memorial service, one of Nancy’s relatives played and sang The Dance. In the weeks that followed, I played it over and over, bawling almost uncontrollably every time, but reflecting on how fortunate I had been to have known Nancy for thirty-five years and how awful it would have been to have missed the dance.

Jeri: My husband of twenty-seven years, Steve, had died, following a five-week battle with cancer, a couple of months before Nancy. I regret we did not have the chance for the long talks that Fred and Nancy did. As an RN, I knew what was coming, but was still numb with shock until I pulled myself back into reality that I had to be there for my sons. At Hospice, Fred shared the song The Dance with the members of our Hospice grief support group; many of us found comfort in adopting the attitude of gratefulness in the midst of grieving our losses. The seven of us (four widowers and three widows) became a tight knit group and over a year, we worked together in dealing with our losses and rebuilding our lives.

Fred: There were many support group outings and for me, several outings alone with one of the widows, Jeri. A romance blossomed and we were married at Hospice of Dayton (a real first for them) standing atop memorial stones installed in the pathway by one of the lakes. We felt compelled to capture our feelings and thoughts in stone—memorializing the blessed lives we had lived and the miracle of finding each other. Among the inscriptions on the stones was the phrase Thanks for the Dance commemorating the lives that we shared with our late spouses and transitioning us into a life together.

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Memorial Stones Placed At Hospice

Now after eight years of marriage, we reflect almost daily on how blessed our lives have been and still are. We talk about Nancy and Steve; they are a part of who we are and, in loving each other, we must cherish how each of us came to be who we are today. We reflect often on the pathways our lives have taken; we are thankful for the dance we shared with our late spouses