Living By God's Grace

By Roger Mattson

I was born in the year of our Lord 1958 in Duluth Minnesota, shortly after my birth the family moved hoping they could have a new start, from the life they were living there in Duluth I was so new to the world that they left when we got out of the hospital and headed to sunny California. Later when I was 8 years old I had my fi rst drink of alcoh

• Language: English
• Publisher: Book Vine Press
• Release date: Oct 21, 2022
• ISBN: 9781959450160

Book preview

Contents

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 7

This will be a new chapter going into 2012, what will it hold in it’s grasps? Will they start another War? Or will the fighting stop? Every year there has been more War and fighting and it’s gotten them no where, they sure don’t learn from them and that tells me that ignorance plays a big part of their lives. As for the President I don’t see him making it another term, as he has proved to be just as ignorant as the last and we cant have that and survive. Enough of that! I wont make any plans because only God knows how things will turn out my self I will take it one day at a time and see what He brings to the table, things can change in an instant and it is something that just happens with no rime or reason things God does doesn’t have to make since in our world as he doesn’t work in this world , He works in the unknown and owns it along with everything else. I know my time is only the time He gives me and when He wants to take it back then He will but I pray that it’s pleasant when it comes, maybe just go to sleep and be with Him. The miles I have traveled amount to not many in His realm for He is everywhere and I often wonder how He does it, in church today a friend said I was an angel for cleaning up her mess after she was called away while planting flowers. It was a good feeling in church and I enjoyed it a lot, when I see some people I can tell when they are having a bad day and that lets me know not to get too close. Randy seams to feel like he has to tell stories to feel important and I find that to be sad but he has always been that way and I think it has something to do with his not being able to read or write Stacy called him so they are talking in some ways it’s good for him but in others it’s not, he keeps telling her that he loves her and I know that’s kind of sick but hey! What ever floats his boat.

He has no concept of what the word means and either does she, here self she just wants to get a hold of his money and he is too foolish to see it. I thank God for my life and I would never want her to be around my home as misery loves company, in church we shared the peace by shaking each others hands and giving hugs. I asked Randy when he was going to start to go to church with me and he said I don’t know about that so I take it as never’ but you can never tell what the future holds as it’s not in his hands only God’s, and no one knows what He has in mind. It’s Monday and yesterday was a fine day we passed the peace in church and the pastor had to tell us to sit down as everyone wanted to keep doing it, kind of funny really! And then the day was filled with watching television. We didn’t play any games, but we did go to Scandia after turning down the heat in the church Randy had to get some soda pop and I got a couple cross words but only won a free one. Then we drove back home, there are a lot of old people that drive on the roads and at times they seam to drive as an intoxicated people do wondering all over the road which is dangerous the other day it was a husband and wife going to the store. That will be hard when I get that old and they take mine at least I have 30 or so years before that happens, my nieces husband is on the road hauling cattle as a guy he knows bought a lot of them to bring back home his hauling brings in a lot of money during winter and it allows them to survive in this day and age. Stan is like me in many ways in the quiet department and we have always gotten along with each other, today it’s clean up time at church and I look forward to it as the week progresses ‘WOW’ I didn’t realize the month is already a quarter over with’ or should I say a third? This month is flying by. Things are pretty good these days and will continue to be my days are going well and I’m now looking forward to what the future holds in store for us the brightness that God brings with him each day as we travel through it. My out look on life is getting better with each passing day and I kid around a lot more then I used to He said to bring happiness to others and I did that this last week by helping out a couple of people who had a lot on their plate just the slightest thing can help others, I also brought some food to the church for those who need it the ones that would otherwise not have anything to nourish their bodies this in it’s self brings joy to my heart, if I had the means none of them would do without. And to me that would be a good thing all the things in which I take are packaged or are in cans so they will never go bad, I know can goods will last up to a year or so and Lord knows I had plenty. Even though Randy seams to get up early he doesn’t last the day and probably never will, I cant tell what’s going on in that mind of his so I wont even ask I recall being at that stage but then learned to adjust to my surroundings at least he knows not to talk to me this early in the day and that really helps people in general I don’t like to talk to especially when I’m not awake and that’s why I’m not sure that a mate would work at this stage in my life maybe down the road or in another life Ha! As the hands of time tick by. New things will come to pass will they be remembered by people or will they fall by the way side and rot like the paper they are written on, these are questions only time can tell as we grow older and wiser. For out time is not God’s and he works in something much bigger, I can hear Randy coughing in the other room so he will be up for the day, it’s 36 degrees outside so we could be in for a warm day unless it drops fast, this time of year you cant tell how the day will be as the weather flip flops sometimes one minute it’s warm and then it changes without warning as for the weather people they too cant always tell what’s going to happen. I still haven’t gotten a card from Rod and his family yet but when I do then I will send them one don’t know their address up at the lake, also Rosa-lee hasn’t written me lately but I should get a card from her sometime. The friends in which I have I like to keep them close even though distance keeps us from seeing each other, sometimes that can be a good thing as people can get on your nerves and that can cause bad things to happen. Today the Journal here in Courtland is having sort of an open house for Christmas and I could go down and see how everything works you know get the feel of things in which make a news paper work. I have never seen the workings of one in action it’s a smaller one and would be easier for me to understand, my days have brought many new things and they seam to get better as time goes on. My sleeping habits are the same and at my age I don’t think they will change but they do give me a better out look on the day as the Sun rises in the east, I haven’t heard the hoot owl lately so I suspect it went back home where ever that might be in some dark barn somewhere near here maybe at one of the farmers that live close by.

As the day progresses it will get warmer yesterday it was in the 40’s and who knows how warm it might get today but I see snow coming somewhere in the near future. Christmas Eve should be fun as we pay tribute to the birth of Christ, I have never been to church that late at night and it should be something different then we will have service the next morning at the usual time. For some they think I’m a night owl and it really doesn’t matter, in my travels I have come across many people some that are nice and others that pretend the part and the ones that pretend will take you for all you have if you let them. Back in the day I never trusted anyone not even the good people and I believe this takes away from life because when they could of helped you your self stopped them always being on the offensive takes something from life and stops you from understanding some things, but I’m glad that those days are gone now and another world has opened up. With me the Christmas season’ is about giving to those who have a hard time making it and we try to bring joy to those who are in christen homes. As I travel this new path of life my world is not the same as it once was today it has more love in it and I share that with others who might be living that life I once lead, there are many different kinds of alcoholics and some hide it when others flaunt it. It’s been a dreary day with dew falling the whole time and I believe we could get some snow to night if it continues so I will see if we get any by morning, my land half the week will be gone tomorrow and the weekend will be upon us before you know it.

It’s been pretty darn warm the last day or so in the 40’s and 50’s and we haven’t gotten any snow it’s sure different from last year but we will take it. I sometimes think of mom during this time of year wondering if she can see me down here, and in a way I think she can for I too visited that place where she must have been one of those souls on that ride to judgment in life if you have one out of say 5 children find God then you did ok but also my sis found Him and that’s even better. Did I do the things in which God would be proud ? For the answer to that question is with Him, I do know that what I learn is put to use in my everyday life and that makes me proud of my self I cant quote the bible yet but then there are those who can and don’t understand it, in time those things will come and I will learn to live them I think that’s just the way I am. Being able to live with a clear cogence is a great thing and I love God so much.

These are two different kinds of people one who is ashamed and the other that just doesn’t care one way or the other, the difference is that one can be helped and the other doesn’t want it and for them well they will go through life wondering what the world is really like. This one I live in today is less confusing once you wake up from that sleep you have been in all your life, you your self have to change your surroundings in hope to bring the real world into reality and this takes time. A lot of time and if you’re lucky enough to find someone who has lived the life then you can have someone to talk with because they wont be judgmental but just getting on the right path takes time and the longer you wait the longer it will take. When I first came out with writing about it, I was the first to do so and then after time it became an obsession one that I hoped would change the world and even though it hasn’t my efforts has paid off in warning others about it. My land’ it’s Wednesday and it raining like heck, as I put on coffee I looked out the window and it’s really coming down this is unexpected. Yesterday they brought some food for Christmas and the pretty lady from church brought it, it was a delight to see her and her daughter and I felt in awe as we said Merry Christmas’s to each other. I sort of felt like a kid that has met a girl that he likes I know strange but it happened I guess I’m still that shy guy in many ways Ha! My story still hasn’t been published yet but then again you never know what God has in his plans, they are giving an award to someone this month or the next for writing talent and I want to see who wins and I will do that by watching the Kearney hub. I have been writing for a few years now and you never know what will come out of it just the thought of winning something no matter how slight is a good thing. They say as you write you grow and it allows you to become a part of what you’re writing and my writing is a part of me, before in my early years I had to drink to get up the courage to ask someone out but today it’s not that way and for that I’m glad when your young you cant see what is right in front of you but then when you drink to find courage it seams to go away as fast as sobering up. In my days of youth most of the women were older then I’ and they would stay for a while and then leave and I think it had to do with maturity, inside I was still a child trying to get out I remember always wanting to go with the adults or who I thought was an adult. I would learn later that they got into trouble and I never saw them again, even back then God was watching over me and made it to where I didn’t follow them it was like He was keeping me just out of reach of trouble. On many occasions I could have gotten what the others got but God said no, he is my child’ as the years passed I learned from what happened to them and never did want to travel that path in which they took because it was a dark path and it left it’s damage on them so much damage that it will take a life time to over come if even then. My life was spared by God to one day find my way in this life it’s like I’m a part of something good in this world that needs to be in place somewhere down the line. Some say great change will come in 2012 and maybe I’m a part of that but it isn’t a bad change that will take place like some think it will be something good, my changes will be of happy things and others say destruction will happen but science isn’t always right and they fall short on proof when things come to be, will we be here for Christmas in 2012 yes and it will just be another year.

With the money they waste on predicting the future they could have already changed it many cultures have become instinct because they did something wrong and today we may go the same way unless things change, when I look at that pretty women it’s like she goes into a trance and gazes at me. What does this mean? for there has to be an answer to all things in life as I pray in the mornings I ask for things that others can use like better health and a brighter day, and of course for the spirit to inter me as I go through this and each day many say that He knows what you want before you ask it, but you have to ask other wise you wont get it one day I wish my life would be easier but for now it will remain in it’s state. I can hear the rain really coming down now and it’s bouncing off my window strange how it’s winter and the rain is falling you would think it would be snow but it’s not. For some reason He thinks we need it at this point and it should help the crops, I learned a long time ago that things can change in a heart beat without you even seeing it then someone may point it out later. Life is full of wonders and we never know what’s around the corner my life is one of those wonders as I still look for things that are lacking in my life. Many people around here are in the Christmas spirit and have their lights on their homes one day I wish to have the same thing but I cant get up there to hang them one of the prices we pay for not doing things right but maybe next year as things unfold.

In my childhood we put them up and never took them down this kept us in the Christmas spirit all year long as time allows it these things will be done. There is so much I have to do next year and I pray that I’m able to do it but only God knows the future not me or anyone else, Courtland is the place of dreams if you allow your self to dream and Randy does it each night this will allow for change in a persons life. The atheist are giving some people a hard time by complaining about nativity things that are up all through the country they seam to be a thorn in the side of those who believe as one man said in will be a cold day in hell before he takes his down, who ever came up with that crap is something else and it has hurt more then helped in our world today that’s the Devil at work as he doesn’t want anyone to get close to the other side an angel that fell from grace I guess he couldn’t handle the goodness that God once gave him, but he needs to stay where he belongs far from grace. I lived in his world and it’s not a nice place as it destroys the soul, many have yet to discover that He forgives all sin to those who repent and my little brother is one of them for he still condom’s those who have done wrong to others he hasn’t quite looked at him self yet and that will come in time the process takes a long time and he hasn’t started yet so we will see. I have to clean the church today after bible school yesterday and that should be fun as I sing to the lord time seams to heal all things as we go through this life and in mine it has healed a lot from the slightest to the greatest. It’s been warm this afternoon and I got the church cleaned but it played havoc with my back, Randy is sleeping this afternoon and has been off and on through the morning I call this the transition phase of moving here and I also went through it, in time this will pass and then he will feel at home. Through the years I have gone through many phases some hard and some not so hard but they had to be gone through I think it’s a part of life, the phases are like it is when you move from one place to another the adjustment period where you get used to new surrounding’s and that can take months but in time it does pass. It felt good to get things done at work they must have had some kind of party and I even found some candy the program there is good for the kids and it lets them explore new way’s to learn about God and Jesus, half the month is over and we are headed into the home stretch only 9 days until Christmas and things are going fine I have been able to put something away and that will help in the months to come I wish for things to stay on track the way they are and with God’s help they will remain on track. The insolation people called to let me know that they will be here next Tuesday to start the work on the house so that made me happy.

Now if they get the work done on time we will be set and the bills will go down starting at that time this will allow me to put even more away if things go right, we have a neighbor that is moving she is the forth person to move out of that corner house in the last few years and it makes me wonder if it might be haunted or else the bills are so high that a person couldn’t afford to keep it up. I was in it once and the ceilings are 12 feet high which could account for a high gas bill, they have all been women anywhere from 30 some years to in their 60’s even though I have never seen a haunted house they do say they exist but that might be in their minds. I wrote my sister today to see if she has seen my brother Rick some roomers are going around and I need to see if they are true, if there not then I will have to evaluate my little brothers sanity I could never figure out why others have to talk about others that are not around them. My land’ my life isn’t exciting but no need to talk about those who are not around me, live and let live is my motto in life and it has worked all my life you don’t talk about those who cant defend them selves in your present’s as for the source of the gossip she has been doing that since I have known her over 30 some years that is a world in which I wouldn’t want to live because it makes people hate you. Just the knowing of your words not being privet and false thing added to them can destroy in the same way addiction can destroy the human spirit and soul, putting false words into other peoples mouths is a bad thing to do.

As for my self I weigh my words before they come out to make sure that they do no harm as I wouldn’t want that to happen in my life either. As we traveled to town you notice things which you cant see during spring or in the Fall, like a house that was put on a foundation to keep a farm going that has been there for 100 years the farmers around here have been here for like ever! and then they pass it down to their children or grandchildren I don’t think the people in the big cities know how lucky they have it as if things weren’t grown here food would be higher then gas and it comes in a high second right now even though it’s grown right here at home. I remember meat was 98 cents a pound and now some of it is as high as six dollars and they raise them wright here in Kansas and surrounding areas, no wonder old folks used to eat dog food to survive on Social Security when their other half passed away. If old folks didn’t work then their spouces would kick in and support them this was the reason they paid into it, I couldn’t imagine how it would be if this program was stopped the United States would have another War on their hands but this time the government would be fighting the disabled and elderly and also the veterens who get the short end of the shafty when it comes to taking care of them. The government sends them to War and then throws them away like a piece of dirt on their shoes, some give some and some give all and if you don’t give all then you come home to a country that ignores you as a person and turns it’s back on you. It’s just been recently that they have been doing better as before they didn’t care one way or another, some are used to bust the armed forces image but it falls short in some areas. For some that louse a leg or arm they build them a house to match their handycap but this is only done for one out of a million because they want other young people to join them and die even though their minds are not fully developed I remember wanting to join in my teens or early 20’s and I made it through the testing but they desided not to take me because of my education or the lack of so I went back home and put it out of my mind, if I would have gotten in I would have been in the wars they fought in these last years. But that never happened and I’m here today because of it back then I took it as a sign that I wasn’t supposed to fight and I never have, my battles would come later in fighting addiction and that was a battle I wasn’t going to louse. I had a couple of friends in my early years that I fought with and one of the times I was put into the hospital to have my head sowed up and the other one made me feel bad because I knocked him out with a can of pork and beans, he still talks about it to this day he was a bully and thought he could wip me. I remember the day nice and clear but I was drinking at the time me and his sister were fighting the way young people do and I went to see her at her mom’s house which was across the street from my mom’s this is where I lived when I lost my son Roger Maattson Jr. and although it had been a few years the wounds were still present, I loved him but the lord took him from me and I didn’t understand why. While visiting his sister they were out in the back yard and had a tent pitched Bob and Dan, I remember it was about 100 or so out side and vodka was being drank he was a prson that flew off the handly when he drank and boy he did it that day. As he started to throw punches I backed away and ended up in the kitchen as the blows kept coming I tried to stop him but that didn’t work.

The alcohol had blinded him to any reasoning and I knew that he would have put me in the hospital if I let him keep punching me. So I saw a can of pork and beans and picked it up and struck him in the head and he was out like a light, I never brought it up again but he did quite oftend I was talking with him as we stayed friends and he asked if I remembered it many times and I told him yes. But I didn’t like to think about it, he said it was the hardest he had ever been hit and he saw stars for a few days afterwards. We still talk when I visit my grandchildren in Kearney but he is still fighting his demons, I thought he would have passed away many years ago when I took care of him at our home there but he is still going and I don’t know how he makes it. Afterwards I vowed to not fight again and to this day I haven’t had to his sister is still alive but in bad health with C.O,P.D. It seams to run in the family as her brother has it also my best friend Mark.As the years passed we all grew apart and they live in the projects in Kearney’ and he still owes me four dollars from my last visit for he tells me it’s in the mail Ha! That’s a laugh’ we used to go fishing together but those days are long gone as we got old and I moved away thank God. I never knew what to expect from him as he drank it was like Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hide you were always on the defencive being there so I haven’t went back to this day, many times I went out of my way to be nice but it never let me feel at ease. After my son’s death we had a couple more kids and I learned to love them very much, but the up bringing was one sided with them as she spoiled them. And they didn’t carry my last name.

And that hurt’ but over time I excepted it and life went on. Then when we broke up over a guy that got out of prison and I left to Oklahoma where I started a carear in farming it wasn’t what I expected but I learned fast and got along with my boss, we had many good times in the fields as he taught me and then I moved my mom and Oliver out there where we lived for a couple of years. The house I rented had a smoke house in the back and I would go out there to cook sometimes it was a blast at first but then became very board, my drinking problem got worse as time passed and it did this quite oftend with stress, then after two years mom wanted to go back to Nebraska and they moved her back. And I stayed on at my brothers house and that was a night mare, I didn’t get along with his wife because she bitched about everything and I couldn’t wait to get to work to find peace for there was none in the house hold. I remember coming home because I was in town and all I had to do is use the bathroom and she yelled because the tractor was too loude and then decided that I had to leave, I never looked back and never went back until 2 years ago and then I didn’t stay all that long their world hadn’t changed but I had and I didn’t like being around alcohol and seeing the effects it had on those who drank which was almost everyone. Knowing only sober people had made it’s mark or change on me and it was for the better, my life before was bit’s and pieces never a full picture of what was to come or what would be and today I’m a happy person without the destruction that was once in my life change is possible for those who want it and then you have those who will never change but that’s Ok’ my life is much better today and I’m proud of what I have accomplished. I never thought I would be a proud owned of a home but I am today and I have many people who are behind me in this. As my friend said to me we all love you Roger and we are grateful for you being here,as time goes on I will build my palace my home in which I will spend my last years. Here in Courtland I have the things I need to keep writing and in time all will turn out good in my world that I created. My self’ I never knew a place like this existed and it just goes to show that you never know what God has in store for your life as you travel through it, just a few years ago it was all I could do to survive and now it’s much different then back then.. People here see the person not a number in which they judge you, and that’s the way it should be getting to know someone can and will change things. This is my town and I will live here proudly, as for the rest of the world it will go on as it has been but I know I’m safe here in my new home town. When people ask where I’m from I proudly tell them Courtland Kansas’ the place where dreams come true, as for the future of the town I see it surviving for at least another 100 years. So many generations here and new ones are starting all the time my time is delightful and I look to each new day, I was happy when she brought the Christmas meal and she kind of stared at me like she was in a trance. I had seen that look before with someone long ago and it was one of infatuation or I could have been miss reading the signs which I do from time to time it’s funny how one person can be thinking one way and the other is thinking another. Her children are beautiful as most kids are in my younger days if I felt a connection I would act on it but it was usually the booze which did the talking and none of those relationships worked out, the longer I live here the more I change but it’s for the better the other day Randy was telling me that this heavy women at the dollar store liked me but that is something which would never appeal to me.

Not even in my younger years, as I watch the hands of time go by it gives me insight to the new world that is coming my way and it’s full of wonder. I didn’t see the things which are unfolding until I reached my 50 year mark could it be that we do travel down the road we left behind to see what could have been in the other universe this universe instead of bobing back and forth from one to the other. For sure this is the one I was meant to live in not the other, in some preaching it talks about how good deeds are passed down from generation in other words my grandmothers good deeds were passed down to those deserving of them. I wonder if my uncle was satisfied with his life and how it turned out I do know he had many things but did they really help him in his last hours of life here. My self’ I want to be remembered for the things I did that made a difference nothing else, how long will I remain in this new place I have adapted to for each day brings with it a new ideal or thought to write about as for the people I cant say enough good things about them they don’t pry into my business and I don’t pry into theirs it’s like things are in balance here and you have to have that for any good to come from your life. The world in which I came from was used up and I couldn’t go any further there so He had me move on to better things, and I have found that here as others travel to find that place I don’t have to look any more as all I need is right here except for a little travel every now and then. My years have been good to me since I moved to Courtland and it will continue to be that way as I have many friends which would do just about anything for me, these are things in which others don’t see as they travel the road of life.

I watched a movie about a guy that left his home town and then returned, to find his old love which was waiting for him after 11 years, but this time he stayed as in the big city all he saw was people hurring to go somewhere and it was sad because they didn’t show any joy in their faces. It was like they were running a foot race with life and they were louseing the race, O sure they were making a living but at what price the price of peace from within it seamed that even their thoughts weren’t their own but I guess that’s the price of the big city. As for me I’m a simple man and enjoy what I have and that is peace of mind, the road Randy has taken to be here was also long but I know it could be destroyed by a women. He was never one to be alone not like me but he has nothing to do as his education knowledge isn’t any. But I do read to him from time to time in hope that he will learn in some way. I have many questions to ask God but he isn’t here to answer them maybe one day things will be made clear but for now I will continue to learn many things. Although my life was side tracked for a short time things are getting back to normal and I love that as for the lady I think about. She will stay in my mind until I’m sure it’s the right thing to ask my living alone has hurt in some ways but I got to know my self a little better and that’s always a good thing, my keeping the guys perscriptions filled is a chore but after years of doing it things become like a part of life like it’s natural for me to do these things. I know how nurses feel when they get a new person they have to learn everything about them and at first that is hard, back in the day when mom was ill she would take hers because she could read but with these guys they cant do that they have to depend on me for their med’s. Randy must be resless I can hear him coughing in the other room must be having a smoke my land’ you would think he would want to go back to sleep so he could breath but that’s the habbit it just attacks you and makes you want it. The old man in the hospital was 90 something and had been smoking for 75 years with no ill efects wow’ that’s a long time, the nurce there was kind and I find her in my thoughts from time to time she said I should write a book and I told her I was doing just that. I think God talks through people sometimes to let us know that we are on track but I find that it’s hard to let part of your life go to strangers will I remember what I wrote and if so can I start once again after the first one is out there? So many doubts about things and what will happen afterwards will I retain what I have learned or will it go away once I let go? For surely I can get a copy and keep in touch with what I wrote, so the cycle can go on. The guys are moving around and I hope they are not getting up this early, except to maybe use the bathroom. Harley hasn’t bothered me yet so that’s a good thing but he will in a little while to let him out, I find that at times I feel real good and then I have the times when it isn’t so great but in those times when things are good it makes me want them more oftend and it makes me grateful for those moments when things are good.

When I find my self feeling pitiful it reminds me that things could be a lot worse, many people go through life always in agony which is something I wouldn’t want at this time. I don’t talk about death very oftend but I want people to celebrate mine when it comes, no tears as my life has been petty good later in life through God I have been able to help other people and that’s my perpose while I’m here. I was sad today to see the condition of my brother Rick he seam’s to have fallen back into Methamphetamine and looks twice his age it made me cringe as I looked at his picture and I thank God for my second chance. I don’t see him making it through another curse as it destroys everything he almost looked like he was in a coma sitting in the chair and the bad thing besides his health is that his daughter had to see him that way for the first time they had met, he never knew he had a daughter and if he had it might have changed him but now it may be too late for him. He cant weigh over 110 pounds and I have seen him at 300 at one point it’s like his body is eating it’s self alive and that’s when you know someone is in the last stages of the destruction it causes. That could have been me many years ago but God spaired me and let me start life over once again, Randy has a second chance also and I hope he grabs onto it with both hands because he will never get another one. Through life some get that chance to turn things around and for some reason others don’t it’s just the way it is O Lord help him with your power love and strength if it’s your will this I ask in Jesus name Amen.

From childhood he was always a rebel and went his own way and spent many years in prison when I talked with him a few years ago he said he was doing find but a picture tells a thousand words he has had two hip replacements and that might be what helped to destroy him. My brother’s have paid a big price for not taking his life back from the curse, and I feel blessed that I was given the chance. It’s Sunday and Christmas is just a week away I went to church to pray for him yesterday and then got things ready for today growing up Randy and Rick would get into trouble together they were like dynamite and all it would take is a little spark to set them off and then they were in trouble and when you throw Methamphetamine into the mix it’s always destruction. If he goes back to prison it’s for life as he is a return person of many times and the law wont stand for it anymore, I just hope God will help him in this time. Even after the accident he was a good kid but something was always wrong, he wasn’t the same child he was before. When dad died the State of California had the Red Cross bring him back to Nebraska they put him on a plane but then it didn’t take long for trouble to follow him soon they were getting into trouble again and you can see the pattern alcohol was a constent in our lives and lead to many destructive things. My self I tried to stay out of trouble and I did for the most part except for drinking and driving and that got me in my trouble but later that would become a thing of the past as I destroyed the curse that almost destroyed me. I’m at a loss for words right now as him helth really bothers me, they say there are two kids of siblings one bad and one that is supposed to be good but you cant help but to feel helpless when something like that takes place and there is nothing you can do to turn back the clock, in hope that hings would have been different for truly I was blessed by the Lord’ every state has brought it’s troubles for him and Nebraska has put him away many times and it made me feel bad for him. I guess I’m the fixer in the family always trying to fix what has been broken but there are things that only God can fix and I have to learn to except that, going to Omaha to live was one of his wrong moves but he was in love and needed a person around him and why this is I don’t know’ through the years I try to be true to God and my self and I think that’s who I survived through it all. He is still alive so there is hope that he could change but would he do it if he had the chance? Only he knows the answer to that question. In the day that they were last arrested he got out after a few years and Randy was facing 18 years because he ran and thought he would be safe at Rod’s house which didn’t work, going from one State to another only makes things worse on a person running from what they call justice. And it didn’t take long for them to go and get him and then he faced a lot more charges. I don’t like to go into that world because it isn’t a place in which I have lived or I would want to live, we never know what God has instore for us until that time when he allows us to change or not change. When I saw him last he was pretty thin but we laughed and things and of course he coned me out of a few things before he returned to Omaha it seamed he wanted something to remember me by as for them both Rick and Randy they looked up to me for some reason and maybe that was because I didn’t get into trouble. But that didn’t stop them from bringing their stuff to my house as the one officer said Roger they are using you and trying to get you in trouble but we wont let it happen, I guess they were watching over me also.

One said that I was the only one who didn’t destroy me life and for that I was rewarded by God to have what I have today. As for his everyday life I know nothing about it and probably never will his life that is as for mine I will continue to love the lord in hope that one day the world will get better, my journey will be a long one into my older years and who knows where that will take me. As the spurts of joy continue in my life I like it more and more and who knows maybe in time it will always be a joy, Shannon got the Christmas gift I sent her and Leroy but he had a hard time cashing the money order something to do with the check cashing place but he must have gotten it done. It’s 26 degrees out side and that’s warm for this time of year I’m excited about Tuesday afternoon and I hope they get it all done in a couple of days I think God is keeping it warm until the work is done and then we can have the snow as I wont have any worries about the cold after that the house will be sealed from the cold and the heat and they will put insolation in the attict that will help in many ways, living the dream isn’t an easy thing to do but it’s possible with the help of people that care and God Him self. Dealing with things has become more plesent since I moved to Courtland and I try to deal with them my self but if there is something I cant handle Kathy is just down the road to help me see things in a different light, so much to be grateful for. The love of God and friends and even those who are far away, it’s getting about that time to heat up the church so later. My land’ I was supprised when I recived two gifts while in church this morning and it was strange to get anything during this time of year.

For most of my life it’s always been about what I could give never about me and this is the first year in which anyone got me anything. I recived a card from my brothers and sisters in christ and they said that they loved me and I also love them. Practice starts today at 10:00 this morning Judy is playing the piano and of course I will sing, we will try and get the song (The Cross) down pat. It’s Monday and another week is started the early nights leave me wondering about things and at times I wish they would go away it’s not like I don’t have enough but things seam to always work out for the best, tomorrow they will begin work on the house to make it better then it was before when they had the program in Nebraska it was a good program that helped people like me who are living in poverty. Even here in Kansas there is a two year waiting period and mine has come to a close and now the work starts, I will be forever grateful once everything is set in place and it can only help in my home being better then before. All things take time and now my time has come to try and rise above what I am, listening to Joel yesterday my past life was a season that has come to pass so he could move me on to better things and that’s what has happened. From the one bedroom dump in Kearney to this home which will be mine from now on, when you find you’re self always in a hurry that’s when it’s time to slow down and let things catch up with you for God may bring somethings into your life for a season and others are there for ever. Although this is my home and always will be I don’t know what He has in store for my future but the deck of cards will play out the hand, it’s like all the things I dreamed about when I was young is coming to pass in my later years. I wanted them then but it wasn’t the right time and he wont allow things to unfold until the season gets here, I guess in a way it’s like the crops for every crop there is a season and it will not come to pass until it’s ready. I have seen many changes in this life of mine and now I know that the changes were things that had to pass before the goodness could come to pass maybe in this life it’s the experiences that bring on change. Lord knows in the early years my chances for success was slim but there is no limit to what can unfold, half a deck aid’ is gone and after that we don’t know what God will do but He brought me here for a reason. And it could have been to see that stream and mear image of the lake I will one day see in my back yard, He has never made things perfectly clear to me but He does show me signs that things are on track maybe my dream was stronger then I once imagined and it has to come full cicle when He takes on something He doesn’t stop until it’s completed that’s the great thing about God He doesn’t only tackle the problem we cant handle He makes it a thing of the past and then moves on. Like the people back in the day it was like they disappeared to never be seen by me again even my little friend I once knew lost his way in the world of addiction for surly his parents told him that alcohol was Ok but it wasn’t as it lead him down a path of destruction. When he got out of rehab he thought it was Ok to go back to drinking and then it started again, trading one for another doesn’t work because that’s the one that lead you there in the first place from alcohol to Methamphetamine and then on to other drugs it doesn’t happen fast but in time it takes everything from you. If more people could see how my life turned out they too would try and make theirs better, as things come slow they do come and even though time it’s self seams to speed up it wont over run you.

My family was supprised when I recived the card from church but when you do good works you are rewarded for your services. You cant do nothing and expect something in return it just doesn’t work that way, in this life nothing has a guarantee but with God all things are made possible as He watches over us in this life my land’ family members get jellous when He shows some of us favor and that’s just a part of nature I guess and it should show them that they too could have the same thing. As time passes my old life is becoming vage and will soon be gone as my new life is taking hold of things. I feel like I’m in a reansition period at this time and time will tell if things move forward when God moves you look out because it’s going to be one heck of a ride He will bring you to where you need to be. In my days I have never experienced the things I’m going through today and it can only get better as time passes, my retention of things isn’t where I would like it to be but that will only improve in time as I learn more and more. But I do find that my love for God never wavers even when I don’t feel good as I know he will take care of such things, I find that fear is a good thing when you over come it but if it holds you back then it’s just a pain in the butt, fear controlling fear is no good but when you move past that point then He will hold out his hand for you. Can a person fall and not know it? I think it happens all the time, as I grew up I didn’t know I was on the path of destruction . Then later I felt the need for change it was like the spirit was telling me that if I didn’t change the end would be near, but it also told me that God was right beside me to help me in this transition and that helped a lot especially when you have that feeling of death from destroying the human body.

God can repair what He created, but if you throw it away then you cant blame anyone but you’re self. You see we are made in the image of God and he resides in us which allows us to call on Him when we are in our hour of need and He wants us to use him, as He uses us when He wants to get a message to others who don’t know him. It says we are the light and He lets it shine through us it’s like a glow that a lot of people want to possess but it doesn’t show all the time for some reason just when He allows it to become bright. Satin once had God’s favor until he fell from grace and then he thought he could do God’s job which he never will be able to do, he thinks that Evil could rule the world and that’s something the Father wouldn’t allow to happen. In the final battle Jesus will rule the world for 1000 years and Satin will be in the pit during this time could it be that He is giving him another chance to change? This is something that could take place but the bible says he will rise again and then it will be over. This just proves to me that God loves second chances and He will wait for time to prove Him right, I can just about see the lady at the well who had been with so many men and she offered Jesus a drink. In many of the stories he used even questionable peoples to bring good to others and you never know who they are. It could be a person that is rich but with a not so religious past or life this is one of the steeping stones that can bring someone favor it’s Tuesday now and practice went pretty good yesterday we are goinbg to do it again Thursday so it will be closer to the time and maybe that will help in some way as for the songs they are good (Thy Cross) it was the first time I sang it with music and it was great for the first time but we have to get more together on it ( The light of the world) was also inspired by God and it’s going to be a great song so I might end with part of that.how great thou are to be able to create in someone elses mind or give them the ability to create when something has been damaged at one time, for this proves that He is all powerfull to be able to mold a mind and repair the passage ways is remarkable but to also let it create is something else looking at the future many things could happen and I will let the cards fall where they lay. Do we live in a life where anything is possible? I think anything is possible with God but with out him nothing can come to be, He allows new things into our lives for how ever long He sees fit but it can be taken away just as quick. All those who had it all so they