Undone: Life I Chose to Not Choose

By Charlotte Dempsey

My book is about someone that had her life plan out but in one second it went the other way and she couldn't control what happened next.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: May 13, 2020
• ISBN: 9781663200563

Charlotte Dempsey

I'm from New York, born in September I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren,I had a good and bad life, I fell to my mind in a bad way made things the way that lead me to here along with suicidal thoughts, depression, not knowing why I'm here or my worth.

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Copyright © 2020 Charlotte Dempsey.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-6632-0055-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-0056-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020908569

iUniverse rev. date:   05/08/2020

CONTENTS

Dedication

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to Bessie Irene Barlow she is my grandmother the person that I felt was the only one in the world that ever love me she started me to riding she knew I was hurting and she knew that she could not help me so she brought me some notebooks and she said here put your thoughts and everything else into this she said writing this everyday she said because I can’t help you but maybe this will so I began to write all I wish now though is that she would have been here to see this cuz this is more so for her than it is for me and I did the biggest favor for her I put my son in her life I wish now that I could thank her for everything that she ever did for me I miss her to all my heart I just wish I had one more day thank you Grandma I love you.

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CHAPTER 1

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I’M GOING TO tell you a story about a child a girl and a woman this is a person whom I had been trying to know all my life and I finally got a chance to meet her just 5 short years ago I really got to know her and understand her and I want to share her story with anybody that wants to listen and believe it or not this story may help someone that is going through the same thing that she went though and is still having a hard time struggling through this life this story is about depression pain unhappiness no love and suicidal tendencies and how her grandmother knew there was a problem but could only help the way she knew how by buying her notebooks to write in put all your feelings and thoughts in to these notebooks her grandmother told her maybe this will help you because I know that I can’t and for that I’m sorry but I will try and do what I can this is what her grandmother told her and that is why I DEDICATE this book to her I just wish that she was here to read it for herself that was and still is a lose that she will never get over the things in this story that you are about to read are true and hard for her to say but she feels that someone needs to hear her after all these years it has been so long that she has felt so alone and unhappy going through life this way was and is a struggle for her but here I sit now writing her story so that people will know that they are not alone everybody has something going on that they have been hiding for many years but now when you read this story you can move on and do what you need to do and know that what she did pretending that her life wasn’t her and pretending to be happy or think that she can love or be loved now you will know that you no longer have to go that it’s like coming out of the closet that you never should have been in in the first place stop thinking that there is no one or no place to go just look and you may see don’t do as she did and go 40 some odd years not knowing and pretending your heart will be broke a many of times and the sad part about it will be by you we all have faults and things that we hide when we should not she told me once that the scariest part of life is being in a crowd or a big family because that is where you are most alone and being with your partner whether it’s man on man or woman on woman or color doesn’t matter you are still alone this was the hardest part of life that she had to live and realize and this was going to be it for her so now I can tell the story of a child a girl and a woman that you would wish you had knew because nobody really knows anybody it does not matter how long you have known them or been with them it’s always something there that you don’t know we call those secrets but really they are not it’s just part of your life that you felt you couldn’t tell we all have them just as we lie and pretend who doesn’t want happy times and love even if we have to make them up cause as I said who really knows you sometime you don’t even know yourself and this will be the moral of her story so I write this book about someone that we will all will get to know together and I dedicate it to the grandmother that got her started and whom she loved so much and misses every day, I hope that this book will help someone else I just wish that it had been there for her as we go on this journey to her life I hope that you will understand and thank you to all that will read this book I also appreciate that you took time out of your day to go buy this book I do thank you again now we can get on with the story about a child a girl and a woman and see how they became one and where her life has ended up and the turns and miss guides that she had to go through this was real painful for me to write as I went on I could have never imagined that one person alone could go through this much turmoil and pain in one’s life just know to be thankful and grateful for what you have and to know one thing for sure that there is a GOD because she could not have made it without him no friends nor family could have brought her though what she has went though and still going though this is all still in her head and will never go away when in your mind stays in your mind no matter how you try to forget or not think about it’s there so remember as I said you are not alone and there is someone else going through what you are going though and even not knowing each other your strength will meet in time and it may heal you or make you weak it depends on you no matter how you hide or pretend it’s always you just remember that and no person can make anything for you it’s all done by you the mind is a crazy thing only we can control our own this is going to be her story I’m just the writer of it and I hope that you will get it at the end and know the person that I wrote about and get to know a little bit about yourself your family and your partner and I do really hope that her story can help someone else just be true no more lies and pretending and all we can do is hope for the best to come out of our self and family and children it’s funny because you can be right here and still not know what’s going on and no one pays attention to anyone but there still and that’s what makes life so hard and you think that you have it all under control but you don’t and if you don’t do anything now you it will be to late everybody procrastinates just because we feel that it can wait another day but hey it can’t so as I said before I hope that this book will help someone even if it’s just one person that would be fine cause it’s not about that it’s about what could happen if it doesn’t help you and as this story going on you will wish that you had listen to what you were reading cause reading it will not be enough you really have to hear it and feel what this story is about as I move on I just wanted to let the grandmother know that this is for you the love guilt and missing you is all that she has left hoping that you can see and hear what is going on with her and the hope that you can help we all have are demons and you are hers but in a good way and the bad ones are there too alone wanting to come out knowing that she wants to be with you as she goes on there is nothing here for her at the age and stage now she feels that there is nothing left just imagine all your life feeling unloved unhappy and not wanted by anybody being used by everybody this was and is her life for the last 40 some odd years and it was all because of one mistake being born ask yourself why would a person feel this way as you read her story you will understand and maybe even relate it’s something going on in all of us we just don’t have the nerve to tell but she does and you will read all about like as if you knew her but you don’t because she doesn’t even know her but maybe by the end we will all know who this child girl and woman is and if we don’t that is because you either did not read the story or you just don’t believe or understand but that will be ok it may not be for you or you are just in denial either way I do hope that you enjoy this story and that you read it all the way though and I hope again that her story will help someone else and let anybody know to not be afraid to ask for help or to talk to someone about what’s going on in your life before it’s too late we all need something or someone to hold on too even if it’s just to let you vent but if you don’t find that person get a notebook and write to your still or to the person you miss the most dead or alive which ever makes you happy that will help you cause the saying is no one man or woman can make you happy unless it’s GOD or yourself believe my words this I do know from experience you have to love yourself before anyone else can and that is something that I myself need to learn how to do when I look in the mirror I don’t see what other people see I just see me and that’s different then, anybody looking at me and I know I’ve waited so long to work on that but writing this story has helped me and as I said before I hope that it helps someone else we will go on a ride with this person and I know it will be judgement and criticism but that all goes with the territory but then again who gives a DAM and who are you to judge we all have faults that we need to work on so here she is working on her and letting you know that it’s okay to not have it all or anything and for you to decide whether you want to live or die only you can make that call for yourself we all have are, own lives and that is the way that we live people say this and that but never come though and it’s always an excuse behind it and then you walk away or hang up like you were right and then when it’s your turn you have an attitude like what you got going on is or was better then, my problem no one is better then, the next no matter what you have or what you look like it can all be taken away just as fast as it came just remember that we all came from the same rock you best believe we are no different this book will help you know that and to see that you have these same problems but you think you are too good to admit but it’s all good we do what we do to keep moving in life and as I go on about this lady you will see how she has lived her live and how hard it was for her but she keeps the struggle going and she don’t even know why but she does when you have reach your destination and turning point you have to stop and wonder why go on why keep putting your mind though what is never going to change we always say I’m going to do this I’ll do that but we pick the same people and we do the same thing just in a different time frame and with a different yet the same person it’s never ending and yet we don’t question why go on but she did this is like a I’m getting my affairs in order book written by me for her and I do hope that in this introduction that you know this is worth the read and I hope that you find that it had help you to do some real changes in your life that you needed to do a long time ago start fresh because we can need start over those are just words the sooner you know that the better and I’m here to tell you so let’s go on this long journey together and see what it is we can do and fix about our self and see if this relates to you and know that you can help yourself by fixing the wrong things and to stop holding on to something that has been over a long time ago that we all know is so SAD and PATHETIC so many of you know that I’m talking about you but I’m getting off line this story is not about you it’s about a child girl and a woman something that I know a little about and I’m here for you to know about so I will go on with her story and I do hope that it will help some of you and the others ones I know you will know this may be you that I’m writing about but now I most going on so that we can get to the story of the person that we are speaking about love to the grandmother and hope that you are looking over me why I write this book I hope that you read every line that I type and I do hope that you realize how much of an impact that you’ve had on this person and still do even though you are home and RIP even though I know that it is hard because she can’t let you go maybe this will help you both I do wish you were here let no man put you under but yet you are under I want to start by saying that this is going to be very hard for me to write knowing why she has been though and still going through but I’m going to make this very simple for us all to understand and know that you can relate I have went through these things myself and I know how hard it is to want to belong and why we feel the need to belong even though it is not necessary because no one can live the life that is cut out for you because we do not know what is cut out it all goes against the plan of what you wanted it to be so we just have to what they call go with the flow no matter what way it goes we see and hear how good other people seem to have and we want that but we don’t know what they went through to get it or what they are going through to keep it all we see is the greatness of it and we want it

The story of this woman that I met just 5 years ago and as we started to know each other I realize that she had a story to be told and I wanted to be the one to tell it so here I am, she comes from NEW YORK a small place but it was her home she was born there she had 4 brothers and 3 sisters and she was number 7 the youngest of the girls and 3 brothers the life that she was living was ok for her but she always felt different like as if she should not be there she wasn’t loved she was invisible that all the love was gone before she came into the picture there was no more love to give but she had her grandmother who only had one child and that was her mother and their relationship wasn’t the greatest why she didn’t know but she knew that she had the love of this woman and that was all that matter to her and she did live with her grandmother for a while and those were the best days of her life her grandmother had a bar she own an apartment building she was what they call well to do and wanted for nothing she was a beautiful woman inside and out she told me this story once that she was the baby for 6 years and along came her youngest brother oh did she hate that and she already had felt left out and now this is even worst oh her mother loved that boy so and she realize that she never showed her any of that love why she would always think to herself why does she not love me so she would just do thing to get attention one her mother got her two older sisters a Chrissy doll that you could put it and the hair would grow but she didn’t buy her one she said that she was to young so that same day she told the doll and put it to a heater that they had and burn the hair right out of the dolls head how her sister cried but the funniest thing she didn’t even get in trouble she was just told to go upstairs and they had all the barbie dolls even the kens she would take them all to her friend’s house and wouldn’t bring them back but she played with them every time she went over there and she did that as much as she could but one day when she went and never came back till the next day when she walked in the door she was stopped and questioned about where she had been and she didn’t answer and she was slapped in the face and sent upstairs and not to come down until it was time to take a bath and go to bed and she wondered why did this happen she never cared before so why now but she never ask cause it didn’t really matter time was moving on and everything was as fun as it could be too be a child growing up the way that she did but she still had that feeling of not belonging to the family that she was in she told me that being in a big family or a crowd she always felt that she didn’t belong and wasn’t really there no love was show in this house so how could she feel it or learn it so one day she was about 8 and her brother was maybe a year old by now he was walking around the house and she just happen to be at house this day most likely she couldn’t go anywhere well she saw her brother and she took his bottle and pour whatever was in it out and she put lighter fluid in it was red so nobody could see or think anything different but it didn’t matter cause it was just her and her brother in the room her mother was somewhere in the house but she wasn’t watching him so she gave the bottle back not knowing that this may kill him just thinking it would make him sick she wasn’t really clear on what her mind was thinking at that time well he begin to drink it and it must have been hot or it burn going down he started to cry and then he fell to the floor but she didn’t move out of nowhere her mother came in and she just looked at her with the coldest dead look but said nothing she smelled his lips and then she knew I had done something but she never said a word she called somebody and she took him to the hospital the next day they came back and nothing was said or done to her and she knew then that she was in the wrong place and that her being there was not going to good but her mother did tell everybody what she had done and she was never to be alone with her brother by herself again she wasn’t even allow to talk to him or touch him time goes on and you forget and you play and go to school as usual her brother gets older and you can be around him again and he learns to love you and you love him back so you feel that all is well but you know that his mother will always hate you for trying to kill her son and his father well he never liked you from the beginning but you didn’t care he wasn’t your, father and even if he was he never showed any interest she did have one thing going on in her life that she loved and loved her it was track and field she was the best at the age of 9 she was the fastest girl in her school district and she had jumped 23 feet in the long jump the girl was awesome and she knew it and so did her older brother he would bet other men that they couldn’t beat his baby sister and they were stupid enough to take that bet she never got a dime but she loved that somebody knew what she could do time is moving on and she is getting older and people are starting to notice that this girl is going to be a track star she was born for this her family had started to come see her in her meets and that made her proud that she had their attention it was her they came to see she said that those were her best days being in that family cause she couldn’t recall anything else she made her own life good and she knew that this was what she was going to have to do in order for her to have any kind of life she just wanted to feel what it felt like for someone to notice her or just dream that they loved her she would be looking for this what is happy she use to ask herself what does that feel like or suppose too look like this is something that she will search her whole life for as we go through her story this is where it became hard for her at the age of 12 she felt like her whole world was coming to an end before it even got started she had heard that they were going to move but at the time she thought that it was to another house still in new York but she didn’t want to leave this house she was born and raised in it was a big 2story house, the yard was so big you could put 3 more houses in it she had everything but this was something that she was going to have to get use too days went on and nothing was said life was as usual school friends nothing different but then one day when school time had come to end they were all sat down and told that the man that was taking care of us was going we had to move to another place and it wasn’t in new York it was a place called SC and that everybody was leaving new York all she could do was cry and try and think of away, that she could stay she had a plan that she had 3 people to ask her grandma and her sister and her best friend’s mother so she went to do what she knew would work with one of them but little did she knew it didn’t work on any of them her grandma told her that she couldn’t do it cause she had too, much on her plate and her sister said that she didn’t had the room or could afford it and the best friends mother said you need to be with your family just a nice way of saying no after she went through,all of that she just felt sad but the real day came when it was time to go and she was the only one going that she just did not understand her mother’s cousin came to see her he had already moved him family away and he told her that she should come to where he was that it was cheap to live and it was nice they were very close so she told him that she would go back with him and check out little did she know that they were going to take her with and no one else was going she asked her mother why does she have to go and she said we won’t be gone long and you are the youngest you can’t stay so that was that it wasn’t fair to her but what could she do so the day came that they were going to see what this place was like and she was sad and quit the whole way and it was a long ride it seem to her days so when they got they it was her cousin his wife and she had a son but he was son to go off to the army the only good thing to her about this trip was that she had her own room but she was wishing she was in the room with her 2 older sisters you never miss what you got until it’s gone and she was real hard up by now but nothing she could do they were there about a week when her mother said that she was going back how happy she was until she heard the words your, not going I found a house and you are going to stay until I bring the others back all she could do was walk back in that room and cry she knew that her mother was giving her away she already knew she didn’t love her and could never forgive her for what she had done to her brother she never wanted her anyway how could you do this to your own child why was she ever born is all that she would say she tried to call her grandmother and tell her what was going on but they would never let her call they would say that’s long distance and you’re going to be alright she will be back soon so days went on and she heard nothing from her mother and she didn’t know if the cousin she was living with did either everybody had their life she was always home alone they had things to do work and the son had school so she was alone something that she knew a lot about and it wasn’t a strange feeling to her she had lived it for 8 years her birthday was coming up and all she wanted was to go home but that was not going to happen the people that she lived with had money and she was use to that she got things from them and she didn’t even have to ask she had found out that her mother’s cousin wife wanted to have her but instead she turn out to be her godmother she really liked her but she was still not happy there she wanted to go home so time goes on and summer is about to end she wanted to know what was going to happen was she going to school or was she going back home well her mother called and said that she was on her way to pick her up they had a lot of things to do oh she was so happy she was going home she thought that she didn’t have to stay in this place that her mother had changed her mind or that her brother’s father had come back because this really was the only reason that they were moving had he not gone away she would still be there in new York the only place she knew and had finally felt good because she was being known there this is where she should be how can you just take a child out on a limb and just push them off thinking that she could swim and that was another thing that she loved they were doing something all the time going to the movies going swimming playing with her friends she didn’t have that many and now you are taking that away making her to be nothing all over again by now she said that her heart was getting heavy and she didn’t know why but it would soon tell her mother comes back to the south to get her not knowing that it was only to take her back to say one last goodbye so they go home she is hoping that she can have one last try with her grandmother she just knew that she had missed her enough that she would let her stay at least that was what she was hoping so they go home to just see the city was a joy to her it was like she had been gone forever even though it was just 1month but that was hard on her because she never understood why it had to be her to go and stay no one else she had her own theory she just didn’t want to at admit that her own mother couldn’t stand the sight of that’s why she had to go just so she didn’t have to look at her so as she gets close to home she is more happier then, ever and all she wanted to do was go see her friends and see her room well they got there and the cousin went back home but he said that he would be back in a month so she knew that she had time to work on somebody she just didn’t know who and how she was going to do it but she was working on it days and weeks were going by way to fast so here she is her last week and everybody started to pick they had a big long truck out front for the furniture and the clothes this was a scary thing because it was real the life as she knew it was over all she could do was cry and hope that somebody would want her she talk to her grandma but she still could not doing because she was traveling way too much and she had to go to school and her older sister still was not able and she dare not ask her friend’s mother again this was a very sad day for her well the day had come when the cousin came back and he had some old man with that was going to help the drive it was a 17half hour drive the only good thing to her was that this time the whole family was going but not my baby brother he was staying with his father all she could do was think of how she should have gotten on his good side and maybe she could have stayed to she was 12 half she could have helped a lot but that didn’t happen the man hated her so they were on their way to a place nobody wanted to go to nor did they know anybody or have family or friends just that one cousin well they made it and she had found the cutest little house and it was little she was use to so much more this was going to be a hard transition by now her heart was even heavier then, before but she had no one to tell her brothers and sisters seem to not care that they moved I guess being older your mind is set to adjust nothing really matters you just go with the flow because you know soon you will get out and you can go where you want that’s all she could think about was to go back to new York so she is here they are moved into the new little house that her mother found and this is to be her house for 6 years this was the day that everything had changed in her life and there was no going back.

They are in the new house and summer was still here it was so hot new York had summer but not like this it was crazy and there was no pool and the crazy thing was the man that helped drive he was living with us this was his house they all just came with the package of dating a woman with kids 5 at that the two oldest stayed in new York and so did her younger brother well by now people know that they are there and that was like bees to honey but she wasn’t trying to make friends she stayed in the house in that little room she shared with her two sisters time was moving on and it was getting closer to school time the only thing she hated was that she would be going to school alone in new York they all went to the same school different departments they never saw each other but you knew they were there and now she was on her on she had to be a big girl and she knew it was going to hard cause she looked like a boy no hair no butt no shape what so ever but she did have that sweet ass accent that new York thing the real way to talk the story behind the hair was that she always wore her hair in a ponytail it was short but she liked it got her though they had been here for about 2months now and it was time to go to school her mother had signed everybody up and it was time to go so her sister decide that she wanted to come visit see how things were and she was so glad when she heard that she couldn’t wait she was going to try again she didn’t care how many no’s she got she was going to keep trying until somebody said yes so her sister gets there she is there for a few days and it’s getting close time for her to leave she doesn’t like it there it was to slow and the people were country and it was to dam hot so by the last day she told me to come in the bathroom she wanted to talk to her she was so glad she was hoping that she was going to ask her did she want to go back with her she was ready now she was older 13 but that wasn’t it she did ask how she was doing and did she like it and that was her shot right there she said no I hate it here can she go back with her and she said ma won’t care she doesn’t talk to me anyway oh please can I go she said I’ll be good and once again her heart was broken she said no I just can’t take care of a child I can’t afford it but you can come visit me next summer for a couple of weeks now sit down I want to do something with this hair since you will be going to school in 2 days she was so hurt that she did not notice her sister had scissors on the sink so she sat down she took the ponytail a down and started to comb her hair she had it all sticking up and before she could say or do anything she cut the ponytail off and all she said was oh lord I didn’t mean to cut the whole thing off and she just started to cry and everybody came to look and started to laugh and her mother said oh be quit you look alright it will grow back you can just wear an afro now in new York a girl or woman can wear short hair or an afro but here in the south that just cannot happen so she pick it into and afro and said that’s cute it was but I looked like her brother not her sister and she did not want to go to school but her mother said your, going to school you look ok, nobody is thinking about you or your hair so shut up little did her mother and sister know that this was going to be the root of evil on her she was remembering when she was in the kindergarten and her mother took her to school and she didn’t want to go but her mother told her that she would go with her and they were going to have a good time so she believed her so that next day she walked her to school it was a long walk and she felt so happy her mother held her hand the whole way do you know what that means to a child she knew that her mother didn’t but she did and she held on tight so they got to the school and her mom said it’s time to go in now I’ll be right here I’ll see you though the window she cried a little but she trusted her mom so she went in and the teacher grab her hand and said hello you must be so n so your mom told me all about you so she looked back and her mom was gone she didn’t wait for her that’s was the beginning to the end for her and she had that same feeling about this hair cut that her sister put on her what torture was she going to have to endure but then who cared everybody had their own problems who gives a dam about a girl with a boys hair cut as they say get over it she had no choice it was time to go to school and no one was holding her hand or waiting at the window she was on her own who cannot know that this girl would be the death of her self she went to school that day and all she could hear was is that a boy or a girl and most people saying oh it’s a boy and even the teacher’s would say why would her mother let her come to school like that but what could she do she couldn’t walk out how would she get home she can’t walk she doesn’t know her way so she had to stay there and just be silent and just pray for the day to be over but then there will be another day she decides that she is going to be the class clown so that they would not laugh at her they would laugh with even thou this may get her in trouble with the teacher it was a chance she was going to take but it back fired they still laughed and talked about her behind her back but they loved to hear her talk that new York accent was way too sweet to not listen to time goes on and she never said anything to her mother cause she just felt like she didn’t care so she just kept to herself and just hope to make it though she had gotten over the hair thing she said as long as they don’t touch she was good so she went to school and home no friends she didn’t even go outside but she did make one friend it was a lady that moved in beside them with a little girl she would go play with the little girl when her mother brought her outside and the lady notice that the little girl liked her so she ask her would she keep her some time she would give her $20 for watching her so she ask her mother and she said that was fine so that went off just the way she wanted now she had a friend a 3 year old little girl how sad for her but this was as close as she was going to let anybody get her mind was on going out of school and going back home nothing was going to stop that plan there was a set of twins that tried there hardest to be her friend but she just didn’t want to get close to anyone but she did like them because they were just like her even thou they had hair they still looked like men not boys but men they had a little sister she was real cute hair all the way down her back and she did meet some other kids it was a brother and sister they lived across the street she liked the brother but she never said anything she was never going to get her feelings hurt by anybody she had to many problems going on inside her own mind time moves on and one day her mother says we have to move she was happy and sad cause she wanted it to be back home and she knew that it wasn’t she said that they had to move because the guy was leaving and she could not afford this house so once again she had to move she didn’t want to leave the little girl but it all worked out because she was moving to she didn’t care about leaving anybody else will before they got ready to leave they had a little time and her grandma was coming to visit it was around Christmas time and all she wanted for Christmas was to go back to new York with her grandma she couldn’t wait well her grandma had come and she was ready it was the best time in her life at least that’s what she thought will she was here and she knew that we had to move and she was mad at her mother for moving them around so much and following all these men and not getting a job but she told her that she had a job in a bar and that she was dating the guy that own the bar and she had met another man and he wanted her to drive his cab so she had 2 jobs but her mother wasn’t impressed but what could she do she was grown with 8 kids will it was getting down to the limit that her grandmother was getting ready to leave and she was going to ask the big question again can she go back with her as the time went by they had packed the house and the apartment was ready it had 4 bed rooms and one bathroom it was in what they call the hood that meant to her to many black people not use to that so she was going to see how that was going to work out and what were the people going to be like even if she cared cause she was not going to be there anyway will it was time for her grandmother to leave and she notice that her brother was packing his clothes so she just had to ask him and he said that he called grandma and ask her could she come to get him because he hated being him and that he and his mother were not getting along so that was why she was there so then she felt that she could do the same thing let her grand know that she wasn’t happy but when she did ask the answer was no she could only take him and that maybe in the summer I could come visit by now she is more hurt then ever she knows now that no one wants her and no one loves her she is in this world for no reason and she is getting to the point where she is feeling things in side that she shouldn’t she was headed into a life that she didn’t want to live and she had no one that she could talk to so now it was time to move her mother had this guy who had a car that looked like the bat mobile from batman it was blue and white believe it or not it was nice but these country people didn’t know anything about that they laughed and he kept it clean will it was time to go she was moving in it was nice on the outside clean but the places were stuck together that was different so she moved in and everybody started to come over to get to know the new Yorkers just to hear us talk people loved the accent but she tried her hardest to stay inside she was not trying to make friends and she was getting ready to go to the school with the rest of her sisters and brother but one brother would soon be gone with her grandmother she was so upset about that she just couldn’t understand that but yet she knew she had to get over it cause it was nothing she could do the time and the summer was coming to end they were all signed up for school and she couldn’t wait because she found out they had track and field she had to have something to look forward to since nothing else was working out for her so they are all moved in and school has started and she was ready to go but she knew that she was going to have to go thou the hair thing is she boy or a girl that she was not looking forward to but the track was going to take all that away she was looking forward to that people wouldn’t think about her hair or what she looked like all they would know was that she is the best at what she can do and that is run track and the long jump this she was looking forward to track was everything and this would take her where she needed to go today is the first day and she was ready the one thing she did was make sure her hair looked good she had twisted it so that her afro could be bigger and it was pretty but people still laugh when she came into the school no one said anything they just looked maybe it was because she was with her sister and brother either way nothing was said and that day she went to her class and all she wanted to know was when did track start but she did meet this one friend she was a very nice girl she had a younger brother and she was real big she had never seen a girl that dam big that was different and hey she could be her body guard but anyway life has to go on her brother is gone with her grandmother and she had to get that out of her mind it was just eating her alive she was so unhappy in the inside but she had no one to tell everybody that she felt she could talk to didn’t want her so she had to keep all of this bottled up not knowing when it was going to blow up in her face time is going by she is doing so well in track and again she is the fastest girl in the whole 3 school district.

The time had come people were starting to know who she was and they wanted to be friends but that wasn’t what she wanted all she wanted to do was go to school and run on that track all of this was fake to her they didn’t like her they just wanted to know her and talk about her behind her back cause she still looked like a boy but a cute one here she is now 15teen and she realize one thing about herself that she was depressed and she started to eat and then throw it up she wasn’t worried about anyone finding out because she didn’t exist in that house or whatever it was suppose too be so she just went on she did have a coach that thought she was going to take her to the moon she already had colleges looking at her all she was to her was a meal ticket but she didn’t care she wanted to leave this town and her family she always knew that she didn’t belong she was a lonely person and little did she know her life was going to go to a place that would send her out of control she was running all that she wanted and one day this guy looked at her and she thought that was just great she had no Ideal,that all he wanted was to get in her pants she didn’t care she just needed and wanted somebody to love her or just want her so he use to come see her run he was always around no one paid any attention life for everybody just went on and the coach watched her like a hawk she didn’t want anything to happen to her ticket she was going to take her places even thou it was going to be off of her well the guy decide that he wanted to take her out and she was so glad but what he really wanted to do was take her to his house but this she didn’t know but she wanted so much for someone to like her she has been lonely so ling why couldn’t she have somebody all she knew was she thought that this was real and she hope that he like her so when he ask her out she said yes and he was from new jersey and he sounded just like her and he was talk and handsome and who would have known that this man would be in her life forever as time went on she saw this guy and everything was good she was running track winning all kinds of awards and trophies she was good but happiness still wasn’t on her side she still didn’t want to be there school as always was coming to an end for the summer and all she could think about was what her sister and grandmother had said all she wanted to know was which one would get her first she didn’t care she just wanted to leave the boy didn’t mean that much to her that she would stay for him or anybody else in that matter she just wanted to be gone she had so many bad feelings in her head that she thought that if she left this place it would go away that’s all she wanted it was getting harder for her to breathe she just wanted out this type of life that a child has to live is no good your mind always racing and it won’t slow down and you can’t stop it you don’t know which way to go and there is no help no one there what can you do what are you suppose, to do we all pretend and lie it makes life easier not just for you but for anybody around you because they don’t know you and most people don’t even know there self but if it works for you then let it stay who is it hurting you have this silent hurt all on your own why bring someone else in on it just makes it more difficult for you to carry on because you have more baggage but we all do that’s why lies are here and pretending is so dam easy it was summer and she its 15teen and she just found out that her grandmother is coming to get her she was so happy that is all she could think about she just knew that her life was going to be great she just may get everything that she wants will her grandmother came and she told her that she wanted her to come and live with her and her brother and her new husband well that was a shock but she didn’t care she just wanted to go and that was all that she could see the time was passing so slow her grandmother wanted to stay for a week so that meant she had to stay the brother didn’t come he stayed there he was old enough to stay by his self and then she found out that she wasn’t going to new York she was going to Philadelphia but she didn’t care long as it was away from here this was a place she just knew she would never make it in and she felt that her mother didn’t care that her life would change parents think that a child should have no say in their life will that is not true they should at least be a part of what is going on the impact of it all is so damaging and the child will develop some feeling and thoughts that no child should and you can’t fix it or help all you can do is sit back and wait to see what happens and hope for the best and it doesn’t always come out in a good way maybe even death or pain on someone else as the time goes on the was getting closer and she was ready to go everybody seem to act like they were going to miss her but her mother never said a word I guess she was glad to see her go one less mouth to feed she never had that mother daughter bond with her mother she was closer to her older sister she took care of them when they were little did their hair and cooked always there after school so it was understood why nothing went on with her mother she had learn to be fine with it no lost to her it is what it is so that day came she was all packed up she made sure she didn’t leave anything even the little dolls that she had and the first jacks ever made that her grandmother brought her one Christmas she wanted to leave no trace of her ever being in that house this was going to be her being born again a whole new life and family the one that she thought would love her need her and never send her back they were on their way it was a long yet short flight when they got there her husband and the brother were there waiting and he pick her up as if he was so happy to see her and he told her that it was his ideal for grandmother to come and get her because he knew that she didn’t want to be there in that house he and their mother didn’t get along either and he didn’t want to move from new York but he had to do what his mother said but then he had always known that grandmother would do anything for him the only thing that she did ask was why did you wait so long for her to come and get me and he said because he had to make sure that he was going to be here with her for a while so that was it and she said to him thank you, you just don’t know how you saved my life her brother didn’t take that to heart as she said that was just words but he will know in time that she meant every word so she in her now in a whole different state and she is loving it and she has met some friends and one of them she liked it was a boy that stayed next door and the funny thing was that on the other side of her his friend liked her but she wasn’t feeling it I guess it was funny she was not thinking about boy until she had that one in the south and she knew she was a track star so she thought that everybody liked her but she will soon find out that this was not true she met 2 girls they seem pretty nice but they didn’t really like her it was all show and the only reason was because her brother had told them before hand to be nice to his little sister that was coming to live with him besides these little things she didn’t care she loved her new home and she wanted to stay forever and she was going to be good as time went on the girls started to like her and she them the boy she liked never said anything to her and she never said anything either they were just 15teen