It's All About Relationships: Self-Help for the Real World, #2

By Rose Bak

We all crave connection.  The desire to be loved, to have friends, to feel like we are not alone in this world.  All of us are defined by the relationships we share, whether it's with our families, friends, romantic partners, and even ourselves. 

 

"It's All About Relationships" includes a series of essays focusing on the good, the bad, and the ugly part of relationships.  With her signature mix of humor and practicality, Rose Bak offers insights on modern relationships and presents real-world ideas on how to make your relationships work better for you.

 

Topics covered include: navigating serious romantic relationships, developing lifelong friendships that are supportive and meaningful, knowing when to break up with family or partners, adding a baby to your relationship, and learning to excel at your most important relationship: the one you have with yourself.  This book also includes journal questions and other resources to help you identify your relationship priorities.

 

Forget trite self-help books, this is relationship building for the real world!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rose Bak
• Release date: Jun 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201852825

Rose Bak

Rose Bak has been obsessed with books since she got her first library card at age five. She is a passionate reader with an e-reader bursting with thousands of beloved books.  Rose's contemporary romance books focus on strong female characters over age 35 and the alpha males who love them. Expect a lot of steam, a little bit of snark, and a guaranteed happily ever after.

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When Sibling Rivalry Fades & You Find New Friends

How to Cultivate Rewarding Adult Friendships with Your Brothers and Sisters

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Your siblings are likely among your longest relationships.

If you grew up with siblings, you know that these relationships can be complicated. You share a history, you know where the skeletons are buried in the family closet, and you know how to make each other feel good, or how to push each other’s buttons.

Growing up, your siblings might have been your best friends or your worst enemies. Probably for most people, this depended on the sibling. But generally, one of the most rewarding things can be an adult relationship with your brothers and sisters, in whatever way works for you.

So how do you cultivate a healthy(ish) adult relationship with the sibs?

First, I just want to acknowledge that for some of us, there is one or more sibling relationship that is so toxic it’s best to have little or no contact with them. As they say, you do you. Don’t force a relationship with someone who is abusive or has damaged the relationship beyond repair.

For the rest of the sibling gamut, here are a few things to consider if you’d like to interact with your siblings in a more healthy manner as an adult.

Break out of your childhood roles

The first thing to be aware of is that many of us tend to re-enact our childhood roles even as adults. This includes acting in our assigned roles: the brat, the smart one, the pretty one, the troublemaker, the bossy one, the baby, etc.

For example, I’m the oldest and served in a parental role towards my siblings. Even though my youngest sibling is forty, I still find myself assuming leadership of the sibs when we are together. And what I call assuming leadership my siblings call being bossy.

They’re wrong of course, because I’m always right, but I’m willing to hear their feedback. This results in conversations like this:

Me: Be careful, get away from there!

Sibling: I’m forty years old, not five. I can assess the danger of standing here all by myself now.

Me: You’re going downtown? Do you know where you’re going?

Sibling: I think I can figure out how to use Mapquest by now.

Me: Did you wash your hands?

Sibling: (huge sigh and eye roll as they walk away)

Get over childhood hurts

I get it, no matter how close you were to your sibs growing up, there was probably something terrible that happened. An injury. A cherished possession ruined. Someone blames someone else for what they actually did. A feeling that a parent liked one sibling more than the other. A stolen boyfriend. Normal sibling conflict.

Either let it go or talk it out. Do you really want to hold a grudge for something that happened 30 years ago? Why continue to blame people for something they did when their brains weren’t fully formed? Seriously, remember how stupid you acted when you were a kid? Do you want to be held accountable for that now?

My siblings and I mostly tease each other about that stuff these days, like remember that time you hit me in the face with a cup? or remember that time you scammed each of your sisters out of money? or remember when I ran you over with the car? (That last one’s a joke by the way).

Keep in Touch

Try to maintain regular contact with your sibs so you not only have that connection, but know what’s going on in each other’s lives. Try things like regular phone calls or group texts. Call each other for your birthdays (Not good with dates? Use a calendar — there’s one right there in your phone.).

If talking or seeing each other live feels difficult, embrace technology like e-mail and texts. It’s a good way to communicate, especially if you have sibs who are prone to hurt feelings or easily offended in live interactions.

In addition to direct conversations, my sibs and I have a running group text. We usually text our little group several times a week with news, jokes, pictures and other things that catch our interest. And I individually text with my sibs almost daily. That may be more than you want to interact, but try to check in at least once a week if possible.

And also, be sure to celebrate milestones like a promotion or a major birthday or a completed half marathon. Celebrate your siblings!

Create a group challenge or virtual group activity

Depending on the relationship you have, sometimes it’s fun to do a little challenge that will have you checking in regularly, like a plank a day challenge, or dissecting the latest episode of your favorite TV show. A quick conversation like, I ran my 2 miles today can lead to more significant communication and building connection.

Get a family tattoo

On a recent trip to Hawaii to celebrate my 50th birthday, we all got tattoos with a symbol for "perseverance and decided that would be our sibling motto. Now every time I see my tattoo, I think of my sibs.

Set aside some dedicated sibling time

Regardless of whether you live close or far away, try to carve out some sibling only time, either one on one or in a group, or ideally both. I know there are times when it’s fun to get all the significant others and kids together, like on Christmas for example, but make some time to create an adult relationship with the sibs that’s separate from your individual families.

Many years ago, my sibs and I implemented Brother-Sister Weekend. At least once a year I get together with both my siblings who I still have a relationship with, and we do something that’s just the three of us.

We often go to a sporting event, like a Chicago Bears football game, or an event, like running a half marathon in Las Vegas. Sometimes we do something at a beach somewhere. In our downtime we usually binge watch movies or episodes of My Name is Earl, eat way too much junk food, and tell crazy stories about our dead parents or stuff we remember from childhood. And we have serious conversations too.

The important thing is it’s a time to have an adult relationship with each other. You don’t have to be BFFs with your sibs, but you can definitely be friends.

When siblings act as parents, the impacts are long lasting

Parentification of children can be destructive to the entire family.

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Talk to any oldest child and they’ll tell you stories of taking care of their siblings. From babysitting to changing diapers to walking kids to school, it’s naturally assumed that as the oldest, the sibling will look out for those who come behind.

But in some families caring for siblings goes beyond merely helping out. Siblings may take on a larger role, doing everything from being a primary caregiver to cooking for them to protecting them from abusive parents. When siblings become parents, there are long-term consequences not only for the sibling doing the parenting, but also those they care for.

Psychologists call this "destructive parentification". An article from The Awareness Centre describes it like this:

Parentification was defined by Boszormenyi-Nagy & Spark in 1973 as being the distortion or lack of boundaries between and among family subsystems, such that children take on the roles and responsibilities usually reserved for adults...a parentified child becomes the parent to their siblings or even their parents. They grow up too quickly as a result of their parent’s inability or unwillingness to fulfil responsibilities in the home. Their parent(s) might have an addiction, they might have a disability, they might be neglectful, or they might simply be working too many hours trying to provide financially for the family. A child can become a parentified child due to the death or divorce of their parents.

Numerous studies have shown that when kids take on the role of parents it can leave emotional scars, impact the child’s development, and lead to anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and other psychological distress. That’s why it’s important to recognize that parentification has taken place and look for ways to move past it.

A few years ago, I was on a vacation with my siblings. My younger brother started climbing up some large rocks and I immediately felt panicked.

Be careful, you’ll fall, I told him in a frantic voice. Get down!

I’m 42 years old, he responded in annoyance, I don’t need you to be my mom anymore.

His words gave me pause. I realized at that moment that I’d been parenting him and my sister the whole vacation. Making all the arrangements, choosing the restaurants, reminding my siblings to bring sunscreen — it was second nature to me to do that because I’d been doing it my whole life.

There’s not as much research on destructive parentification, but experts agree that parentification is likely similar to other types of childhood trauma. Like all trauma, its impacts last into adulthood.

That’s why my brother’s point was important for our relationship. It was time for me — and them — to acknowledge that my siblings are grown up. They can manage themselves. We needed to develop new relationships that are not based on my parenting them.

Adults who have experienced parentification — either by serving in the parent role or being parented by a sibling who may only be a few years older — will need to consciously move past the childhood roles assigned to them and