An Marble: Random Tangent, #6

By Chris Hollywood

Dates are hard. Asking someone out, picking a movie, all the shaving. Do you order wine with dinner, or do body shots? Does your movie have more sex in it than you thought it might, because that would be awkward. Do you kiss goodnight at the end, or just kill him so he won't ask to see you again? So many decisions.

 

On a supposed romantic outing with Beby, Mongrel Stevens ends up in the temple of a cult of monks who worship McDonald's fries. Using their superior technology, they offer to bring Mongrel's dead father back to life. Instead a monster of hellish origins is thrust into the world, and tries immediately to take everyone else out of it. Needless to say, the date does not go well.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Chris Hollywood
• Release date: Mar 8, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201202224

Book preview

It’s a little known fact that the mon could do an excellent impersonation of Elvis Presley. I don’t know why I’m leading with that, since it’s not at all relevant. Dumb way to begin a story, but here we are. No going back now.

For Mongrel Stevens there was also no going back. He had now eaten several small rocks. Pretty, perfectly round rocks, but still rocks.

It was late morning, and he sat next to Beby on her front lawn, apparently trying to develop Pica. The lawn made Mongrel suspicious, as Beby lived in an apartment. The apartment building itself was apparently condemned, and only a handful people lived there now, most of whom were also condemned. Because of this, Beby had claimed the lawn for herself, and actively patrolled it during the lunching hours. She’d taken to slugging trespassers with a loaf of stale bread.

While surfing what some people called the Internet (Beby being one of them), she had come across the Revolutionary[1] Rock Diet. This unique and revolutionary diet purports to decrease your hunger, and stomach capacity, if you fill up your stomach revolutionarily with rocks. It was revolutionary! Unfortunately, her track record with health schemes was a little, if you’ll excuse the pun, rocky. She’d tried everything from only walking with one leg (which was supposed to save your energy), to the Magic Potato Diet (whereby you eat only potatoes for ten years to attain inner peace). None were successful.

Mongrel was not particularly sold on the idea, especially when there was no indication that it could even help lower his car insurance. Why aren’t you doing it too? he asked her.

Because you’re the guinea pig.

I’m only doing this cause you said it’d make me more like Mr. T.

You and your Mr. damn T! she cried, handing him more quartz. I swear you’re in love with him. That’s the last one.

Mongrel washed it down and finished off the rootbeer. That was twelve rocks down the gullet.

How do you feel? she asked him.

He felt several pounds heavier and skeptical of this new diet. Full, he replied, then burped revolutionarily.

So it’s working! You got room for your cookie? Without waiting for an answer she tossed him a fortune cookie. Beby had strongly believed in the powers of fortune all her life. Complimented with the supremeness of cookies, she figured she had herself a makeshift Dali-Lama in a delightful cookie shell. Mongrel’s sole thought on the subject was that cookies were yummy.

He rubbed his engorged stomach and made his cookie do the splits. Because of the cookie’s inability to do the splits, it crumbled to, well, crumbs, freeing the small piece of paper inside. Similar to an escaped convict, the newly free paper tried to run as far away as possible from its former prison, prompting Mongrel to give chase.

It hadn’t gotten far, but Mongrel’s extra weight made him lethargic, and catching the lose fortune was a cumbersome process. But he caught it a few feet away, and read it message:

TALK IS CHEAP, BUT YOU CANNOT AFFORD ANYTHING ELSE.

Mongrel scratched his head and munched on the cookie. A few days ago Blind Cracka Two had told him to look to Beby for love. It was a bad idea then and it still seemed like one, but the fortune cookie disagreed.

What the hell, he thought, and turned to Beby. I think we should go on a date.

Beby shot a look at him. You know, one of those looks. She jumped to her feet, stormed over to Mongrel and pounced on him, and was about to go to town.

The fortune cookie said we should! Mongrel screamed in protest before Beby could do anything out-of-towners might do.

Beby put off the assault for the moment and thought to herself. While she did this she subconsciously grabbed the pendant that hung around Mongrel’s neck and began the long, slow process of choking him. She then extended her hand. Let me see it.

Something then dawned on Mongrel. It wasn’t the fact that seeing is not always believing, and just because Mongrel