'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there; The kids were passed out and mama was tooWhich meant I had plenty of time for kung fu.I poured a BIG nightcap, and settled into my chairWith visions of ninjas slicing right through the air Picked up the remote, flicked on the TVGrabbed an armful of random kung fu DVDsThere was Five Deadly Venoms and Liu’s Master KillerKing Boxer, Flying Guillotine, all classics, no fillerAs I watched every fight scene I began to drink faster,and started to feel like a true Drunken MasterTore thru Shaolin Temple, Deadly Duo and ButcherFive Element Ninjas then got Bruce in the pictureI waved my arms ‘round, as my head felt much lighterThen struggled to count to Eight Diagram Pole FighterMad Monkey Kung Fu was the next film on tapAnd then followed by Ninja in the Deadly TrapI giddily laughed at the ball crushing White LotusAnd at least for the moment, forgot all about POTUSThen the Kid with the Golden Arm flexed some muscleMy Young Auntie and Five Shaolin Masters did tussleShaolin vs Ninja, Warriors Two, Masked AvengersAnd I’m no longer sure how much of this I’ll remember When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I tripped over the dog to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters, nearly threw up on the sash.When I held down my bile and looked out o’er the snowI smiled briefly at the number of films left to go When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,I shook my head hard and fought off being sickStared down at my drink and thought “That can’t be St. Nick.” More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name: "Now! Bruce, now! Jackie now! Donnie and Jet, On! Sammo, Don Wilson, and Chuck Norris, you bet! Today we’ve got Adkins, Jai White & Cung LeLewis Tan, Amy Johnston, and Alain MoussiThere’s Iko, Katrina, Tony Jaa on the blockErnie Reyes, Don Niam, Jacobus, Taimak.Jean Claude Van Johnson, Daniel Wu swings his swordEven Iron Fist if you have to, so kung fu fans can’t be boredTo the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Gimme all that kung fu! To me, give it all!" As I drew in my head, and was turning around, Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:He landed in stance brushed off his red sweaterHe said “Your kung fu might be good … but Mine is better.”He peeled off a roundhouse that I ducked but just barelyThen flipped over my head, and double punched my back squarelyI coughed up some blood then threw down my glassI can’t believe Santa's about to kick my ass.I channeled my Jackie and broke out Drunken MonkI bet I looked awesome. Or maybe just drunk.I bobbed and I weaved as Nick drove in with his kneeI blocked it with my face and probably started to peeWhen I regained my senses, I avoided a punchTried to hadoken, but just upchucked my lunch.Through bruised bloody eyes, I saw my adversaryHis eyes‍—‌how they twinkled! His dimples: how merry, His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, He said “Your kung fu is garbage. But at least now you know.I’ll let you live this time but I’ll be back in a year.Maybe then you’ll be ready and give me something to fear." As I lay there in pain, trying hard not to cryHe smiled at my weakness and gave a wink of his eyeHe had a broad face, and a little round belly That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly: He spoke no more words, but went straight to his work, And fill'd all the stockings; then turn'd with a jerk, And pressing his thumb to the side of his nose He gave it a Bruce, and up the chimney he rose. I looked up to my stocking and smiled thru the painat a gift card for classes so that I could go train:As I slowly blacked out, I heard the scrape of his sleighI quietly whispered, Santa, you bastard you will rue this day.The next tim