My Family and I Keep Therapists in Business with over 1600 Jokes and Limericks Which Explains Why That Is

By Eric Jones

"My Family and I Keep Therapists in Business with over 1600 Jokes and Limericks Which Explains Why That Is" is a very tongue-in-cheek read that hopefully will cheer you up if you are in recovery or have been in therapy. Most of us can relate to dysfunctional people and this eBook pokes fun at yourself and them. The jokes are meant to be clever with hopefully a comic finish. I hope you have a laugh with the jokes and please try not to take yourself too seriously.

Here is a sample of the jokes here on display.

I've fished so much, in my family, for a compliment that the popular magazine "Fishing World" wants to do an article on me.

If my family were a music band they would be called "The Wounded".

I was charged $360 at the airport for excess baggage even though I only had a carry-on briefcase. Somehow, the scanner must have tapped into my background.

My sister stopped using Loreal cosmetics, since she didn't feel she was worth it.

My brother is an underachiever. I ask him to do anything or stand up for someone and he will say it is above his pay grade. I told him, "Everything is above your pay grade, since you make minimum wage!"

I wish you well always and keep smiling,
With kind regards,
Eric

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eric Jones
• Release date: Apr 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005665845

Eric Jones

I love writing, reading, history and I get much enjoyment in helping others. I enjoy baseball and running.

Book preview

MY FAMILY AND I KEEP THERAPISTS IN BUSINESS

Over 1600 Jokes and Limericks Which Explains Why That Is

by

ERIC JONES

Copyright©2022 Eric Jones. All Rights Reserved.

This is for you, Johnny

Thank you ever so much for taking the time to download or purchase my eBook. My name is Eric Jones and I have had a hell of a time coming into my own from my dysfunctional upbringing. The jokes and limericks you will read are very tongue-in-cheek and not intended to upset anyone. Co-dependency and dysfunctional families are super tough to deal with. These silly jokes and limericks are just a way to poke fun at yourself and others. I wish you the best and please remember always that you are not all alone. It just feels like that at times. Thanks again, Eric

Please leave FEEDBACK on the site you downloaded or purchase my eBook.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

JOKES 1-100

JOKES 101-200

JOKES 201-300

JOKES 301-400

JOKES 401-500

JOKES 501-600

JOKES 601-700

JOKES 701-800

JOKES 801-900

JOKES 901-1000JOKES 1001-1100

JOKES 1101-1200

JOKES 1201-1300JOKES 1301-1400

JOKES 1401-1500

JOKES 1501-1600JOKES 1601-1650

LIMERICKS 1-25

LIMERICKS 26-50

LIMERICKS 51-75

LIMERICKS 76-100

LIMERICKS 101-135

BONUS JOKES

FEEDBACK

ABOUT ME

OTHER EBOOKS BY ERIC JONES

JOKES 1-100

My brother was trying to preserve the flowers he got for his girlfriend. She said that she didn’t know he was quite the florist. I said, He is only preserving them so it could be that much longer before he has to buy you more of them!

My friend said, Wow, your sisters are really going at it! I replied, I know, and people pay big money to see dogs fight when they can just come over to my house!

There was a family party with my cousins. Someone yelled out, Look what the cat dragged in! Everyone looked for the cat where I looked for my cousin, Sandy, and her latest troublemaker boyfriend.

My drill sergeant said that he was going to stick his foot so far up my ass that my breath would taste like shoe polish.

My sister actually called my therapist demanding to know why I was starting all of this trouble with our family. My therapist said, I can’t see you today, but I do have an 11am tomorrow?

My sister sought to acquire interpersonal skills at a workshop, but was told they couldn’t help her since they work with people and not robots.

Dad asked me to drop him off to pick up his suit that was being dry cleaned. I said on the way there, I’m taking you to the cleaners just like mom did!

Mom jumped down my throat so often over nothing that I developed pharyngitis.

My sister’s personal trainer quit after one day. She wanted sis to work on her core until she realized that she was completely rotten there.

My cousin said I was a thorn in his side. I said, How about I stick that thorn up your ass instead of your side?

My dad was a natural as a secret service agent since you can’t get nothing out of him.

The other day someone said, Oh, you are from Chicago, The Windy City! I replied, I am. My brother's flatulence in Chicago is legendary!

I was asked what I thought about hot air balloons? I said, Ask me in a couple months when my therapist starts in about my relationship with my parents.

My parents used to tell me that my judgment was impaired. I replied, I agree, since I should have moved out at least 6 months ago!

I got busted for cheating in high school. The dean explained that I would be suspended. He asked if I understood? I said, Copy that!

My mom used to say that dad isn’t lazy; he just has banker’s hours. I said, I think it’s about time we withdraw our money before this banker walks off the job completely.

My sister creates her own drama. When things backfire against her she then goes into denial saying, This isn’t happening!

I am co-dependent. My therapist is telling me to put myself first which is equivalent to closing the barn door after the horse has bolted.

My brother is such a pervert that during Covid-19 he wore a pair of women’s panties as a facemask.

My girlfriend and I enrolled in a college class together where we had to first take a prerequisite course to then move onto the advanced course. She said, We are through! I replied, I know, finally the prerequisite is over! She then said, No, we are through, meaning we are done! It only dawned on me an hour later she was referring to us.

Over the years, the only people that have taken well to my family are bounty hunters.

My cousin has lost count of all the women that have gotten away.

My parents never used the quote from Progressive Car Insurance. Not because of the cost of the premium, it was simply they couldn’t relate to the name progressive.

My therapist said, Surely, you and your brother must have bonded on something, Eric? I replied, The only thing we bonded on was that we were both trying to kill each other!

My therapist asked me on my first day of therapy what my goal was? I replied, To be full of beans since normally I am full of shit!

I tried to turn the tide with my family, but they went all tsunami on me.

My therapist asked me when I knew I had a problem with drinking? I said, I was watching Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer as a teenager. Every time his nose glowed I took a swig of my beer. Man, that guy’s nose glows a hell of a lot in a half-hour show. These days, I stay clear of those Christmas TV shows!

Nobody in my family will give you a fair shake; however, they will try and shake you down.

My parents weren’t interested in being on-line until they heard of trolling.

My mom has incredible bat wings who batted her eyes at this man who felt mom was bat shit crazy.

Not surprisingly, I had to explain what WOKE means to my family.

When I was a kid I walked out of a shopping mall with my dad. A kid who was working for a local charity approached my dad for a donation. My dad asked what his charity was? The kid said that it was to help those that are in need. I said to the kid, Good luck with that donation with this one since I’m needy as fuck!

My brother’s ex told me that she broke up with him because he sulks and sulks over everything. I said, Don’t worry, I know he sulks. He also sucks too.

My sister said she had to practice her braiding for her hairdressing course. I said, Well, you can start with your armpits!

One thing that people will say about my family is that it is very easy to outsmart them.

My therapist said, Do you ever feel that you are under your mom’s spell? I replied, See, I told you that she was a witch!

My brother said to his wife that he wanted the whole 9 yards in the relationship. She said, You want 9 yards? All I get out of you is 4 measly inches!

I’m a violinist yet my ex played me like a fiddle.

My therapist said that her boiler was being replaced. She bought a new one since she felt the plumber would just be polishing up an old turd if she kept the old one. I asked her if that was what she was doing with me, polishing up an old turd?

I always felt my dad kept it real about himself. In fact, every time he leaves the house he would say, I’M OFF! I would just nod my head and think you are definitely right about that!

My uncle liked a lot of 80’s music, but he never liked Men at Work probably since he couldn’t relate to the name.

My sister is very self-righteous. The irony is that she asks a rhetorical question when she says anything. Every time she announces something she goes, Am I right or what? or Tell me I’m wrong!

My brother said he created his own app. I asked, Are you going to call it SAP?

It is amazing how people can see right through me. It is like they could see right into my soul. Lately, people are now being very specific about me internally since all I hear now is that I really have some nerve!

If I was ever on the game show Jeopardy I would ask, Alex, I’ll take Toxic Shame for $500, please!

No one in my family has ever been accused of having a bleeding heart; however, each member, at one time, has been told to eat their own heart out.

The pity parties my sister has thrown are the talk of the town.

There is no water under the bridge with my family. Not only is there no water, but the bridge looks like it will collapse any second now.

Somebody mentioned that my brother was thick skinned. I said, Since he is already thick, it appears, at least, he has come full circle!

I told my sister to put her kids' needs first. She looked at me with this baffled look like she had to work out an Einstein formula.

Years ago, I got in an argument with my ex at a club. I asked her to dance to try and salvage the evening. She said, You know I have two left feet. Stop trying to get off on the right foot with me!

If my sister-in-law was a Marvel comic character she would be Bat Wing Woman.

I said to my ex that we are like the song, Islands in the Stream. She said that she wanted to get off the island and swim out of that stream far away from me.

My brother was told by a girl that he liked that he was such a busybody. My dumb brother thought she meant that he had a nice body.

I had to tell my cousin that the fleece your girlfriend wants for Christmas is a garment and not an invite for you to swindle money out of her.

I speak to my brother and he will say I hear you, Eric! I then tell him that I’m glad he can hear me. I speak a bit more and he says That’s what I'm talking about! I then say that you haven’t actually said anything yet. I speak a bit more and now he says, Tell me about it! I assure him that I just did. The conversation continues when he says, I feel you, Eric! I try and explain to him that I haven’t felt his touch. I make a profound statement and he goes, Word! I am guessing at this point if we start playing charades.

I spoke a few home truths to my mom which is a no-no in my family and she reacted like we were going to meet for a Gunfight at the O.K Corral.

If my family were a music group they would be called The Leeches.

Nobody has ever said to my family that they love their company.

I knew my sister wanted to be a doctor just so she could give injections. The first time she heard, this might hurt a bit she only had one goal in mine.

We were going on a family trip when I was about eight-year-old. Mom said to dad as she entered the car, are we all gassed up?. Of course, dad had to let rip and stink everyone out.

My brother is a miserable bastard. I have just accepted that he is. After he does yet another thing to upset the rest of my family he is always asked, Are you happy now?

My sister can’t tell her ass from her elbow. She also can’t tell her ass from either her wrist or her shoulder.

My family have left me more in the dark than a total solar eclipse.

My cousin is so addicted to religion that he says Can I get an Amen? to the kid who got his order right through the fast food drive thru.

When I heard they were making a movie called The Deep as a kid I thought it was about my brother's deep mood swings where there is no end to it in sight.

My brother’s classmate unanimously said if he was an animal that it would be a feral animal.

Times have changed. Growing up I would hear, Do you ever think? These days I say anything and people just say, You think?

My public defender said, Eric, you know, you do have rights! I said, Try and tell that to my family!

My interviewer asked me if I have ever run point before? I said that I was usually on the bench.

No one ever said to my family that order must be restored since there was never any order in the first place.

My sister went from my parent’s main foot soldier to compliance officer in her company in no time at all.

My mom didn’t like me to cross-dress. The irony was that we had to go somewhere formal. She called out to me, Eric, don’t wear your sneakers, but wear your dress shoes!

My brother used to call me his shadow since I would follow him around. One day my parents demanded to know why I just started punching my brother. I said that I took up shadow boxing.

My family could live in the south pole and yet everything they do will go south.

Dad would say, speak softly and carry a big stick! I thought, Dad speaks loudly and he is a big dick!

I told my friend that my girlfriend gave me the boot. He said he was sorry to hear that. I said, I know, now I’m trying to figure out how to get the other boot since they match my coat!

My sister doesn’t think at the top of her head nor any part of her head, for the record.

I told my therapist that I’ll get straight to the point that everything you taught me has gone sideways. She got up and showed me the hallway and said with the exit doors I can leave either through the right or left doors.

My parents didn’t want to move to Tennessee since their nickname is The Volunteer State.

My family was on Family Feud. They didn’t score a single point, because not one person could