A Full Cup of Joe: Sayings, Sights, Sounds, and Snippets of My Life (So Far)

By Joe G. Dillard

Life can be, and often is, funny. All you have to do is watch for it, or sometimes just experience it. Joe does this for you in this book. So, grab a cup of joe, set back, relax and join Joe in reliving his funniest life experiences. You may not squirt your favorite beverage out of your nose, but his funny stories will bring a smile to your face and put a spring in your step. Its obvious that he has seen, heard and experienced more funny situations than a normal person deserves. Meanwhile, you will learn how to solve problems by reading the wet basement story and how he became A Real Guy at church camp. Also read Comments about the book that they surely would have made had they been asked."

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: May 30, 2012
• ISBN: 9781475924824

Joe G. Dillard

Joe G. Dillard, formerly of Blue Mound, Missouri, now lives in Columbia, Missouri with his wife (Betty), their three children and five grandchildren (who are all above average). Joe worked 33 years for the Missouri Department of Conservation after getting B.A. and M. S. degrees from the University of Missouri.

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Copyright © 2012 by Joe G. Dillard.

Cover art and illustrations by Doug Ross, Ross Art and Graphic Design

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-2481-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-2482-4 (ebk)

iUniverse rev. date: 05/22/2012

Contents

Introduction

Sayings

Dad-Type Sayings

Old-Timey Sayings

Other Sayings

Sights

My First Technicolor Dream

The Big Green Glob

The Great American Toilet Paper Caper

What a Horrible Sight!

Thor, the Mighty Wonder Dog

Kitten Caper Number One

Kitten Caper Number Two

Soiled Underwear

I’m Black All of the Time!

Black and White

Grab Him by the Ice Hole

Sounds

Splat! Splat! Splat!

Fa Whoosh! Fa Whoosh!

Scritch! Scritch! Scritch!

The Shot Heard around Blue Mound!

The Shot Heard around the Back Door!

What Did She Just Say?!

Snippets of Life

Does it Still Hurt, Son?

The Biggest Bouquet of Flowers

How High Was It?!

Didn’t See a Thing!

Digging Up Holes, Cooking Them, Weighing Them,

and Throwing Them Out the Window

Hold On

Human Popsicles

Sweet Beginnings

Rooster Caper

Workman’s Comp Claim

Whoops! Wrong Car!

The Great Underwear Flip

Flat Tire, Flat Spare

Water Quality Lessons from Blue Mound:

Ground Water Pollution

Water Quality Lessons from Blue Mound:

Surface Water Pollution

Funeral Story Number One:

Mistaken for the Preacher

Funeral Story Number Two:

A Really Dumb Thing to Say!

My Biggest Tip

My Most Memorable Cooking Disaster (So Far)

Used To, But Not Any More

Getting an Education at Princeton (Missouri)

Becoming a Real Guy

Our Wet Basement: A Lesson Learned

My Retirement Tree

Comments about This Book That They Surely

Would Have Made Had They Been Asked!

And all this time, I thought you were my little angel.—Mother

"That’s my boy

!"—Father

Hey bro, one nut in the family is enough, and U R it for sure.

—Brother

If only he had a membership so we could revoke it.—PETA

One Read Program? Only in his mind!—Columbia Public Library in Columbia, Missouri

OMG. Where did he go wrong? I trained him better than this.

—High school English teacher

"If I had known all of this before we got married  . . ."—My wife

Is it too late to be adopted?—Our three kids

I’m the one who suggested he write this book—sorry!—Jordan Dressler

We are thinking about moving away.—Next-door neighbors

That dude is not related to us, and this book will not be in our stores!—Mr. Dillard of Dillard’s department stores

Hey, Joe, funny stories; not bad for a Democrat!—Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC’S Morning Joe

Hey, Joe, I know that you were a bit miffed when I corrected you about using the words ‘used to’ in my memoir writing class, but I can’t believe you wrote a whole book just to get back at me! (see page 88)—Ol’ Clark

Introduction

Life can be, and often is, funny. All you have to do is to watch for it, listen for it, or sometimes just experience it. As we trundle through our lives, many things happen that are amusing, insightful, refreshing, or in some cases laugh-out-loud funny. These events can happen at any time. Most often they are totally unexpected and unanticipated, and some may even be unknown until later. Below, I catalog (with modest embellishment) some of those that happened to me, categorized as sayings, sights, sounds, and snippets of my life thus far.

These are stories I would have told the boys at the local coffee shop, except I never got around to going there. But as you can imagine, the family has heard them over and over again.

After telling yet another story at a recent family event, our grandson, Jordan Dressler, said, You know, Grandpa, you should write a book.

So I asked him, And what should I call it?

He immediately replied, "A Cup of Joe." Well, that sealed the deal.

I had already been compiling some of my stories, but I had been calling it something else. Jordan spurred me into producing this little booklet.

So go to the kitchen and get yourself a real cup of joe, sit back, and enjoy A Full Cup of Joe!

Sayings

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Dad-Type Sayings

Most of these sayings are ones I have heard or read through the years. Some are repeated from others, and some are made up; most are of unknown origin. My kids thought for years that I made up all of them, but I didn’t. I think that they just come with dad-type genes. I even have a coffee mug with most of the sayings on it.

What happened to your allowance?

"Shut