Raw Transformation: An exploration of feminine power, sexuality and vulnerability

By Claire Frances Uhlich and Alix-Maree Tully

More than a memoir and more than a personal development book, Raw Transformation is a deep dive into the human psyche. Into how we understand our sexuality as women, our power and our frailty.

With incredible vulnerability and insight, Claire shares her deepest secrets. Through a series of personal recounts, raw journal entries an

• Language: English
• Publisher: Claire Uhlich
• Release date: Mar 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9781922375155

Claire Frances Uhlich

Claire Uhlich is a lover of words, with an insatiable curiosity for the human condition. A transformational yoga instructor and intuitive massage practitioner, she founded Island Healing, an integrative holistic wellness centre on Phillip Island, Australia. Claire now inspires 'women like me' to accept all parts of themselves and end the epidemic of self-expression repression.

Book preview

Introduction

Journalling Through Transformation

No matter how much I love writing on a laptop, my pen will always remain the excavator and the paper, my heart. Each word that lands on the lines of my page is a contrivance of heartfelt expression longing for a home. Among all the external remedies I reached out for during times of duress throughout my life, journalling became my truest saviour. It subtly and gently redirected my attention back to the sources of my pain and I was able to reach layers of myself I had forgotten about or never knew existed. Writing my way back to the heart of every situation gifted me an insight into who I was and what I was made up of. Through this, I was able to find a wise voice within which has carried me far beyond the limitations I had set for my survival and safety.

I feel it fair and true to say that journalling categorically saved my life. Without a piece of paper and a pen, I would have been just another confused human battling my way through a survivalist world alone. Writing gave me the freedom I allowed myself when all other parts of life felt sticky and confined. I craved the permission to simply be me – just me – and I could not find that space in the world.

With all the journal entries I wrote from the age of 12 until now, I disclosed all of my observations about life which I never felt I could say in a real conversation with anyone. Although I have not included all my journal entries within this book, I have consciously selected those which I feel to be the most transformative… and sometimes controversial.

I learnt quickly as a child that inquiry that violated the protective emotional boundaries of others was often tended to with anger and intimidation. This was to ward off further penetration of their secret and hidden worlds. In other words, do not question anything and leave it alone! As a child born with an intense urge to paint the sky with rainbows of vibrant shades of emotion, I was constantly shut down simply because deep emotions were seen as weak. This is why journalling became my friend, my partner in life, my other half. Ultimately, it became my whole. It was a wonderland where I granted myself permission to be as curious as I liked, as crazy as I felt and simply me in all the ways that I am.

One of the themes of journalling which constantly appeared to me was ‘transformation’ and how this was meant to look. Through books and spiritual advisers, there seemed to emerge this idea that there is a moment, when the world around us suddenly pauses, making way for our truest and most blissful selves to appear. I had felt snippets of this, yet it never remained there for long, and with great disappointment, I would find myself back in a black hole searching for the light again.

Only recently did I realise this perception of ‘making it’ was another way I had tricked myself into a different avoidance tactic, a way to bypass my suffering and ascend above it. I was missing parts of the experience by selecting only those things that would not cause the pain I secretly feared. Transformation for me looked nothing like I had assumed it would. It was messy, broken, gritty, jagged, tiring and ongoing. At times I could not escape the enormity of what I had to endure to resolve my pain. Some of the realisations I had came with tidal waves of grief; some came with enormous joy. Unfortunately for me, no amount of meditation could move the anger obstructing my heart like the tears of surrender did.

Similarly, no amount of positive thinking could have saved me from sinking to the depths of despair. I knew somewhere deep down that no matter how many lines of cocaine I snorted, how strong the antidepressants were, how many bottles of wine I drank or how many men I slept with, at the end of the day I was alone, acting out behaviours which reflected a lost soul. It appeared that the process of ‘becoming me’ had to be a process of absorbing every part of myself that I was but desperately did not want to be. Transformation was essentially an invitation to sink into the words that resounded faithfully through my whole body: I already am. There was no rhyme or reason to the process I experienced; it just happened. I simply resigned myself to the emotions that instructed my healing.

Although I was warned many times over the years not to let my emotions control me, the only time I truly found inner freedom was when I did.

Although right now and in many moments throughout this book, I may sound self-deprecating, that is not my intention. My intention is to be as honest and transparent as is humanly possible, simply to expose the currents of damaging energy that influence our society at an unconscious level – of which I and many more people have been part of. It feels like the time is right for me to release the grip and call out the illusions and manifestations of our collective fear. By doing so, I have found a deep love and forgiveness for the way in which I engaged with life as it helped me travel safely to where I am now and gave great insight to allow me to grow further in my life.

Pressing on…

The words that transpire through this book do so in their own legacy and have led me down into the darkness then back out with genuine resolve. My offering to you, the reader, is to share parts of my voyage through life with full transparency – an example of transformation in its most uncensored form. I do this in the hope that you feel more certainty when moving through your own shame and fear, knowing there is a raw example right before your eyes. Trust me, I have felt much shame in my life. My journey has been a translucent perspective of a human experience from despair to an awakened state of being which is most importantly aligned with being human.

Nothing is covered up. Nothing is filtered or fabricated. It is as it is. I write this way because I am so tired of polished individuals becoming role models in this world. I feel this creates an unrealistic version of life that is near impossible to live by. As a consequence, we are engulfed by comparison and we fail to see our own unique qualities and gifts in the greatest capacity possible. We need more examples of real, raw human experiences to buffer the pressure which comes with this idea of perfection.

Through a series of personal recounts, raw journal entries and letters, I open myself to all the challenges I faced. I express my experience with depression, my addictions to drugs, alcohol and sex, entertaining the idea of suicide, and my struggles in motherhood. I share my experience with nudity and my deep desire to connect with the masculine energy intimately. I write about the whispers of the woman at my heart centre who was ignored for safety and a ‘normal’ life.

I am so tired of polished individuals becoming role models in this world. I feel this creates an unrealistic version of life that is near impossible to live by.

I held back from publishing my expression as it didn’t seem to fit within a genre. However, now I am leaning into this idea of writing as an art form, not a structure. I have explored and questioned whether it is possible to intellectually frame art – as Oscar Wilde said, art is the most intense form of individualism, and I feel it can only be framed in the heart of the beholder. There were times when I read over this book and felt frustrated that I could not just produce a story like most memoir writers. I put myself down and felt sad that my book was essentially a MESS! Then I took a moment to address my inner judgement, which led me to two realisations:

1. The first is that I have tried to squeeze my entire self into the template of life more times than I care to remember. In attempting to do so, I have incidentally affirmed to myself that I am not enough as I am and conformity is my only choice to feel belonging.

2. The second realisation came when the harsh self-criticism relented. I realised the way I had written was identical to how I transformed over those years: the many changes I experienced and the way I tried on different hats to see if I fit a particular identity. How different my life looked during different phases. Taking an eagle-eyed view over the structure of my story and how inconsistent, messy and at times nonsensical it was, made me realise that this is life! Life is full of contradictions and hidden divine messages among the rubble. This book transformed with me and as you read on, you may witness an entirely different writer as my journey progresses. I love this about life. The way we grow is magical and just because our growth appears messy does not make it less worthy. Like a baby giraffe learning to walk for the first time, so too are we a little off-balance when learning who we are in blind faith. For the many times in which we fall, there will be many times we are gliding across a finish line screaming, I MADE IT!

So, it is my wish that you read on with your ‘heart eyes’, feeling into this language with a whole heart rather than trying to intellectualise and make sense of my story. The