Save Yourself: Overcoming Complex Trauma

By Anna Erie

This book is for everyone who feels traumatized and lost in a maze of chaotic existence. It is for people who give their all every day but still feel like they aren’t measuring up. For those who can't sleep at night and aren't able to face the demands of waking hours. For the bearers of those disjointed, uncomfortable feelings that seem forever stuck in their bodies and hearts. For those whose minds that are under siege of the viscous inner hater that undermines their every step. For those who want to do their best for the world, but are too self-conscious to try.

I have been where you are and I am very familiar with the way that it makes you feel about yourself. I also know at least one good way out of the trouble. I have lived it, worked through the trauma, abuse, neglect and depression and got to a much happier place. I now feel like I must let other people know there is a solution. It may take lots of courage, but it is also worth every step.

Come on this journey with me. We can look at the scary places where our demons originated and we can also find the way through to the Light that we all represent. If we were made to feel like no one else in the world cares to save us, maybe it is because we were meant to bring our own power out and Save Our Selves.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anna Erie
• Release date: Jan 28, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463575659

Anna Erie

Erie graduated as a journalist. She realized a practical use for her two life-long passions - psychology and spirituality when she found herself virtually handicapped by Complex Post Traumatic Disorder. Unable to get effective help, she created her own plan for recovery. She now helps other people find their own potential for healing. You can connect with her via her new page - Save Yourself by Anna Erie.

Book preview

Dedication

To all the good-hearted people who helped me along the way. Your kindness will live on in everything I do.

A few words about the title...

I want to tell you a story to help explain how the title of this book came about.

This happened many years ago, but I remember it well.

It was a freezing November night. I was on my way to a workshop on meditation at a Buddhist Center in NYC. I mostly signed up so that I could get out of the house and meet like-minded people, and also hear an expert speak on the subject. I wasn’t as interested in the practice segment. 

It took me a while to find the right building. As I was rushing up the huge flight of granite stairs, images of an exotic dignified monk were running through my head. I slipped inside the incense-steeped room and quickly found a seat. As I looked up at the speaker, the first surprise of the night looked straight back at me. There was a humongous, blond, middle-aged woman standing at the podium. She was speaking in a loud, authoritative voice. That was so far from my expectation, it was almost comical. Still, I wasn’t about to turn around and disturb all the people again by rushing away, so I settled down and listened.

The lady rattled out statistic after statistic out of some prestigious college study she has done on meditation. The gist of it was that it (meditation) improved your cognitive function and, therefore, your whole life. All the while she was locking eyes and unabashedly flirting with a young hot fellow at the end of 5th row. He seemed to oscillate between being embarrassed and flattered. In about an hour the lecture part concluded and we practiced for a bit. That was enjoyable - more so than the lecture. Everything was going NOT as expected. This should have given me a clue.

Once we were ready to leave, something pushed me toward the speaker before I could understand what I was supposed to say. I joined a tight circle of people who were already there asking questions. Since I was one of the last ones to talk to her, I offered to do that while we were walking out together. I told her something about writing a book on emotional challenges and meditation and rambled on a bit. The truth was, I felt like I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be asking but also that I should try and get it out. In the end, I mumbled something about going through a tough break-up, feeling all alone and not quite knowing how to handle it. I said I kept feeling like I wanted my partner or someone to save me, but I didn’t think that there was anyone who could. The woman stopped in the middle of the large, marbled lobby, stood her big feet apart, bent her knees and put her fat white fists up so that she resembled a blond sumo fighter. And that is when you say - she started in a hushed tone I’LL SAVE MY OWN F**KING SELF! - she bellowed out. The last part rang triumphantly through the building. I stood there petrified. I did not know what to say. This was wrong on so many levels. Of course, the notion of saving myself sounded ridiculous (like something out of baron Munchausen’s tales, when he talked about pulling himself out of a more by his own hair). The idea of stout American woman shouting profanities in the lobby of a Buddhist center was completely bizarre. And the thought that I had just asked this creature for advice seemed most crushing of all. I blinked a few times, said thanks and excused myself. I didn’t know what to think. Except for the fact that I won’t ever go back to the building. 

Many years later I find this story hilarious. For one, trust NYC to bring you the teacher you need, not the one you think you want.. Second, if not for the outrage, I doubt I’d remember the incident much later when it actually began to make sense. Third, and most important, of course, was that the woman was actually RIGHT. Profanities aside, that is just what I ended up doing even if I thought the idea absurd at the time. 

Well, I did come around to saving myself but not at all in a way I imagined it when I first heard the words that chilly evening... I am guessing the biggest message came through not with words, but with the silent blessings of those few minutes of practice we had done beforehand. In the end, I did save myself, but not by trying harder, not by exhorting some supernatural effort to do the impossible. No. 

I saved myself by finally opening up to the basic truth that I, too, was a valued expression of life, precious enough to be filled with the divine power, worthy enough to be in-spired and directed by its endless love and wisdom.

This type of DIY saving did not call for any hardened, fear-based ego and pride- but rather dissolved it. Still, I and only I could decide to take that all-important step when I’d consciously chosen to embrace the divine, to just trust in its nature and be in harmony with it. This opened my mind and my heart to the new, expanded identity and to this seeming dichotomy of saving myself by surrendering, by trading in my old, troubled, worn-out concept of Self for something new, unexpected, unexplained and unquestionably superior. 

To be clear, I am not saying that it didn’t take any personal action or effort - because it did. Yet I am fully conscious of the fact that all of that happened AFTER the spiritual insight took place. The whole story of my building up and then following through with that new knowledge is written down here. I hope you too will consider the possibility of saving your own wonderful self. No F-bombs required. 

Introduction

This book is about prolonged emotional trauma and its aftermath. It is also about a triumph of human resilience and divine spirit over open wounds of the past. It is written in hope that some of the steps and ideas I practiced would be helpful to you. I will tell you some personal stories and detail some of my own struggles so that you know I can relate to the one you are going through. I will then share some changes that grew out of those experiences and could perhaps serve as signposts for people along in their own quest for healing. Most important of all, I am writing this book as evidence that this transition can be done, indeed it MUST be done if we are to live a happy, satisfying, connected life. 

I have spent most of my life trying to salvage relationships that were impossible to repair. I have searched both my heart and my giant country in pursuit of estranged family members. I interviewed people who knew my family in the past in hopes of gaining a few precious stories to try filling the empty space where my identity was supposed to live. I got some help from near strangers. All I got from my family was suspicions toward my motives, stonewalling and utter lack of understanding and care. 

I went on living the shame-filled, joyless life right until I ended up in an emotional and physical crisis that even I could not ignore. That lead to some rather startling realizations that brought about a whole new way of seeing myself and my life. It was the start of a conscious effort to reconsider the way I treated myself and rebuild my life from that new, much stronger foundation. 

Yes, my past was extremely challenging, but it did give me an opportunity to change my self-defeating ways for good. I ran away from the truth of my upbringing and the damage it had left in me for many long years. In fact, the cover-up operation had nearly killed me. In the end, I let my despondency and exhaustion speak to me. I became aware of my value when I finally let go of my past, my family and the painful legacy it had left me. 

After all, I somehow managed to survive all these years without any support from my relatives while still having to deal with the consequences of our shared past.

The bigger point is that some unseen power saw me through the dark years. Miraculously, I made it through the painful, the chaotic, the disorienting times that were so void of love and hope they seemed not worth the effort. I have pulled through to the time that I finally felt ready to face my demons and assert my own worth, and the divine will over my spirit. I suddenly saw that there had to be value in life I had managed to keep in the face of all that pain.  

I do not for a second delude myself that it was all my own doing. The power that had put me in this world had also pulled me through in the most desperate of times. It shined through all of those beautiful people who had left their hearts open so that the light of their knowledge could get through to me. During my discovery trip, an old family friend told me I was very joyful and caring as a small child. Although I blanked out most of my childhood, and long since ceased to be happy or trusting, somewhere deep in my heart, I still held onto those qualities. 

In my most challenging times, I have been tough to handle even for those kind souls who tried their best to help. My rage, my many demands, my lack of trust and the out-of-control panic I felt any time my heart was engaged made me nearly impossible to deal with. Still, they persevered, and through their example, I too slowly learned how to soften up. I managed to let some of my pain go so that the new, softer, lighter power could come in. The precious heritage that I received through the efforts of these people will now be saved and given forward for as long as I live.

I have come a long way from a scared, lonely, deeply unhappy person I was just a few years ago. I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that there is