SHINE

By Donna Groves

SHINE is a must-read for women of all ages, filled with raw advice and laugh-out-loud moments. You will find inspiration and comfort within these pages, as well as practical tips to be the best version of yourself. Finding your 'SHINE' is a personal journey, but it doesn't hurt to have a little help along

• Language: English
• Publisher: Donna Groves
• Release date: Oct 5, 2023
• ISBN: 9780645912111

Donna Groves

Donna Groves is the founder and managing director of international consulting firm Comacon, and a founder and chairperson of the National Community Engagement for Infrastructure Forum. She has spent 30 years building a career in the male-dominated infrastructure, construction, and natural resources sector. Her success is a testament to her tenacity, resilience and determination. Donna has faced many challenges throughout her career and used a metaphoric hatchet to smash the glass ceilings that blocked her. Donna is also a wife and mother, a sports lover and an equality advocate dedicated to living a healthy, balanced life that supports environmental sustainability.However, this book is about overcoming her biggest obstacle - herself. It is ultimately her story of survival, growth, and transformation. Donna shares her authentic voice and empowers women to embrace their own quest for personal growth and purpose.

Book preview

Preface

I wrote this book as I journeyed back from the far edge of darkness. I was in a bleak and hopeless place, buried by grief and wandering aimlessly in search of purpose and meaning. I was on a dark path and couldn’t see a light anywhere in the distance, and certainly not within me. Perimenopause had descended. I saw this as a loss of youth, a loss of vitality, and a time of helplessness and lost power. I saw this as the ending of all I held dear.

Then the extended Covid lockdowns cloaked my world. Losing my freedom, and much of my decision-making power and my armour, tore down my ivory tower and I was forced into a reckoning (a dark night of the soul, a breakdown, call it whatever you like). I survived because I had to. My family, friends, neighbours—my circle—and my frightened staff all needed me. It was in my service that I found my will. My purpose. I found I wanted to do more than survive. I wanted to thrive.

I found purpose and rediscovered my agency when I acknowledged that I had free will and accepted responsibility for, and took control of, my life. I took responsibility for getting out of my own way. For finding the lessons and learning them. For finding the silver lining and embracing it; for finding my Shine.

Through agency, I reimagined middle age, and all the hormone changes that come with it, as an essentially wonderful transformation; a time when as a woman I got to return to myself. I embraced Jung’s shadows; no longer seeing my darkness as frightening, I sought to understand it and eventually embrace it.

For me, middle age has become a time to find my voice—while mine has always been loud, it hasn’t always been authentic or considered—and to share my wisdom. It’s a time to harness my fury to make much-needed changes. I have learnt to love the transformation, but it was quite a journey to get to this point.

This book tells the story, not only of my journey back from the brink, but also my journey over the walls that I had inadvertently built. I learnt how to get out of my own way; to see my perfectionism and relentless drive as the problems they were. I found purpose and learnt to be present. I found the courage to face the mirror and accept my imperfections.

I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m proud of my courage to face hard truths, and to lean into discomfort and vulnerability. I’m delighted that I’ve found my shine and my true voice.

However, I’m cautious about relating my truth. I am not a guru and I do not belong on a pedestal. I am deeply uncomfortable with that level of responsibility (indeed, that level of inauthenticity). The truth is, I am perfectly imperfect, and this journey has taught me to appreciate that. I am who I am, and I am (finally) happy with that.

This story is about finding my path. Yours will be different. That’s the point of life; we all go on our own journeys.

I wrote this book to document my journey, at first for myself, then for my friends, and then for friends of friends, and now for you. I want you to feel better also, to shine.

This book is a guide for all those women who simply want to feel better about themselves rather than reaching for unachievable standards. It includes details of all the tools I’ve tried: everything that worked for me and everything that didn’t. It will be a different journey for you, but the important thing to know is that you can feel better. You can find purpose and meaning and your own truth. It almost certainly won’t look like you thought it would, but that’s the fun of the journey, right?

Let me get rid of the elephant in the room right now. Part of my journey was giving up alcohol, but that’s not what this book is about. I grew up surrounded by alcoholism and it deeply impacted my childhood years. I was never a big drinker until Covid. That was when it started to creep its way into my life, and I was terrified. It was a problem in my life because of my past, and eradicating it was the impetus for the start of my journey. Alcohol may not be a problem for you, but there are many other tools in this book that will help you feel better and be the best version of yourself. If alcohol is a problem in your life, however, I hope you will find the chapter on removing alcohol from your life helpful.

My other disclaimer is that while I did study psychology (you will find several Jung and Adler references in this book), I am not a registered psychologist or psychotherapist, although I have worked in sociology and engagement for most of my career. If you need professional advice, you should seek the services of a registered practitioner (my sister is excellent!).

Nutrition and diet have played an enormous part in my transformation. I believe that eating well is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. Being super thin or fitting into a certain-sized dress are not my goals; being healthy and shining from within are. I suffered from a significant eating disorder for many years, so whilst I discuss my meal plans and outline ways of using food as medicine, this is all offered in the context of being healthy and nurturing the body. I am within the healthy weight range now and I work very hard to stay there, but that has also been a very long journey.

My reckoning meant my mojo had left the building, I was making some very poor choices, and I wasn’t living in accordance with my values. I had sold out, I was on a path to nowhere, and I felt like the world’s biggest imposter. I was in deep grief after losing my beloved Nanny and my dear friend Rachelle in quick succession, and I was not coping with life. Middle age descended like a sledgehammer, perimenopause crept in, and I was in the midst of a life that I wasn’t prepared for and was not sure I wanted to live.

This book details my journey back from that place, and beyond. I found a way to get the hell out of my own way, and to own and now to tell my story. Hopefully, my story will help other women not only survive their own reckonings, which happen to us all, but also to embrace them and transform. If this book helps one woman, then it has achieved its purpose.

You are not invisible. You don’t need to hide. Life is not over when you hit middle age. In fact, middle age is a chance for an amazing rebirth, to find your voice and your truth. It can be truly amazing. I promise.

I wish you joy, presence and truth.

Love

Donna xxx

My Thanks

Surviving and thriving as a result of a dark night of the soul can only occur with a strong support team, and I am forever grateful for all of those people who are in my corner. This book is for the women in my life. Those who have touched me, supported me, berated me, loved me, hurt me and humbled me. This is for you.

I give my thanks to:

My daughters, Nikola and Jade, my sister Michelle, my nieces Ellie and Ashleigh, my cousins Sarah and Mel, and my best friend, Rachael.

My Nanny. My Mum. My Aunty Sue.

My dear friends Linda, Adriana, Mel and Kate, and my beautiful girlfriends, Jade, Kate O, Kate H, Lindy, Rita, Kirsty, Helen, Coral, Rach, Danielle, Deb, Allison, Anita, Kelly, Amanda, Margarita, Jenny, Kristy, Helen, Carlee, Marion, Eileen, Jo, Jaimie, Amanda, Lauren, Jess, Debbie, Shauna, Sarah, Sarah Jane, Fiona, Ness, Elaine, Tash, and all those other lovely sources of the divine feminine in my life.

My team at Comacon, who have all been a very important part of my journey and my life.

My netball, soccer and gym friends.

My theatre-group girlfriends.

The girls (and boy) I coach in netball, and their parents.

The women I work with.

The inspiring women who have taught my daughters, especially Sarah, Tiffany, Lisa and Jan.

Piper, my puppy, who is the nicest girl I know.

The well maidens.

My GP, the lovely Dr Natalie Holden.

My personal trainer, Pru Drago.

My brilliant naturopath, Kate O’Brien from Mt Eliza Natural Therapies.

My divine Yoga and Pilates instructor, Kristy Cotton from Rebel Yoga.

My recovery coaches.

My psychotherapist sister, Michelle Fitzgerald from Michelle Fitzgerald Counselling Services

My coach, the infinitely wise Dolores Cummins.

Thank you.

Mostly, this book is for my fellow women, those who are suffering, who are struggling, and who are breaking. May you find your power and shine brightly; together we can all build a better version of our world.

I believe deeply in the power of women and our connections, in the divine feminine and all we have to offer the world. By raising women to their rightful status, we don’t depreciate men; we better us all. Women need other women to raise them up. We need each other, we need to support each other, and we need to raise our daughters to see other women as comrades rather than competition. Collectively, we can end gender inequality in the spirit of the all-conquering Australian Diamonds netball team: sisters in arms. Not women battling men, but women battling the old systems: the patriarchy. Together with men, we will all become better versions of ourselves.

We are better together!

This book is also for my husband, Dean, who held my hand while I saved myself. I am forever grateful for your love, Dean. I love doing life with you: equal but different.

It is also for Trent: live well, my son.

And for my close male friends, Brendon, Wayno and Charles. For my Uncle John, who passed suddenly as this book was being published, and for my cousins Mike and Tommy, my brother-in-law Glen, and my nephew Liam. You all inspired parts of this book, and me.

I thank you all with endless love and gratitude. I am forever indebted to you all.

Introduction

TODAY

Today is a bleak winter’s Monday morning on Victoria’s Mornington Peninsula. I am on my recliner, gazing out a large window, watching the sun trying to find a way through the dark gloomy clouds. I appreciate the metaphor for my own journey. This is essentially what this book is about: finding a way to shine through.

My home is warm and I am tapping away contentedly, an extra-strong long black slipping down my throat like silken gold. I rose at five am, did my morning routine, made my ten-year-old daughter’s lunch, and calmed a hysterical moment about a missing book. I kissed my husband goodbye and drove my daughter to school. I had a difficult early phone meeting and then did a handover with my 2IC, who has just returned from leave. I cleared my schedule and gifted myself this day to finally tie up this book.

So it’s just gone nine am and I am fully yours. I want to tell you a story; in fact, I want to tell you many stories, but mostly I want to tell you where I am in my journey now.

After I had written this book it was accepted for publication, but for more than a year I continually found issue with distribution strategies, edits and marketing. I now realise that the issue is with myself and my fear of putting myself out there: my fear of being judged, of other people’s opinions, of being called out on my faults.

Which is pretty ironic considering my book is about being authentic, focusing on what I can control, ignoring what I can’t control, and accepting my imperfections.

So I have decided that today is the day. I will write this extra part of my story and put my book out to the universe. I know some people will mock it, but I also know that others will embrace it. I am truly okay with either. I own my story because it is mine. I’m okay with not being everyone’s cup of tea. I realise now that so much of what was wrong in the past came down to me trying to be what other people wanted me to be instead of being who I am.

So that’s where I am in my journey. I have forgiven myself. I have learnt to love myself, and I have learnt to focus on what I can control. Who I am is okay. It’s more than okay. I am sassy and irreverent and headstrong and determined. I’m a force of nature when I want something, and people often feel the need to get out of my way (I play soccer like this, too, which would be better if I had any ball skills; it does work for defending, though, but more on that later).

I love with an intensity that is overwhelming for some people. I am relentlessly positive, but I can find anyone’s Achilles heel within a nanosecond (I really wish I couldn’t). I am fiercely loyal, but I can be too judgemental. The point is, I am who I am, and my journey is about working on the things I want to change, for me, and embracing what I love. I can’t control anyone else’s perception of me and that is (finally) okay. It is also about continuous transformation.

I have done so much hard work, on myself and on my environment. I have really laid myself bare as part of this journey, faced some awful truths, and gone back to traumas that were very hard to face. I have had to dig deep. A thousand times I’ve wanted to say, bugger it, I can’t do it anymore; surely I’m enough now.

The truth is, I was always enough. This truth is also: the journey never ends. We are all constantly transforming, and that is the secret of life.

I coached my daughter’s netball team on Saturday morning. I have one girl in the team who is a good little player, but she gets in her own head and psyches herself out. She froze on Saturday. As centre, she literally stood still. If you know anything about netball (and I apologise in advance for how much you will hear about sport in this book; it is and has always been a huge part of my life) then you know you really can’t afford to have a centre not do anything. Her mum was frustrated and so was I, but nothing we said changed her approach. This girl had decided, for whatever reason, that she couldn’t play centre that day and that was that. But it was all in her head.

How much of what we can’t do is in our heads? Too much, I say.

I had my makeup done on the same day for an event. The beautiful young woman who did my makeup told me she had lost forty kilos over the previous year but was struggling with her identity. At twenty-six, she had been a makeup artist for ten years. She told me about the many beautiful woman who sat down in her chair and immediately began pointing out all their faults. She told me that she looked at them, thinking, I would kill to look like you, and if you’re criticising yourself that must mean that I’m really horrid. She said all her friends had had Botox and lip fillers, were dieting and madly exercising, and none of them were happy with themselves.

My book was uppermost in my mind as I talked to her. While I wrote this book thinking that women entering middle age (from about thirty-five on) would be the readers, I realised after this conversation that my message needs to be clear to younger women as well.

You are not what you look like. Shining from within is the most important thing. How you look is such a small part of your journey, and if