Reflections from the Shadows

By Lisa Everingham

Reflections from the Shadows is a haunting collection of deep emotional writings that Lisa has compiled over many years, during her healing journey.

Included amongst the expressive pieces are informational sections. The topics covered within this book range from obscurity to illumination. It is her dream to help shed some light on abusers

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lisa Everingham
• Release date: Sep 21, 2022
• ISBN: 9781922890559

Book preview

L I S A   E V E R I N G H A M

REFLECTIONS

FROM

THE

SHADOWS

A survivor’s guide

for healing from abuse.

HOUSE KEEPING

I WOULD LIKE TO START WITH a little disclaimer. I cover some difficult topics within this book, including suicidal thoughts and how I manage them. I have tried my best to keep the information balanced. I understand that some of the subjects are difficult and traumatic, which is why I believe it is important to talk about them.

Although I have a history working in the medical field, I am no longer a health care professional and I have never been a doctor or psychologist. The research that has been completed for the topics covered in this book over many years. I don’t recall all the sources. Some of the information is from what I have studied through the great courses on Audible which cover psychology, others are from doctors who share their vast knowledge with the world, and also my own perspective from what I have personally lived through.

Please don’t replace medical help with self-help books. Self-help books are great to use in conjunction with professional medical treatment but always remember to consult with medical professionals before taking any herbal medication which is covered in this book.

This book is here to act as a guide—a starting point for your healing—an aid. I have tried my best to keep the information areas short and to the point to hopefully avoid information overload.

It is my hope this book will help inspire you to take these learning points and move forward in your own research with what is relevant for yourself. We are all different and have different traumas to work through while healing ourselves.

When I talk about the darkness, I am referring to the feelings that come with depression, anxiety, CPTSD and the abuse I have endured.

Because of the abuse I have experienced I tend to get lost in detail, and my memory is quite fragmented. I find it easier to express myself through short writings in a poetic nature than explaining what I went through in detail, as it helps me to express my emotions.

I hope you enjoy reading Reflections from the Shadows.

I dedicate this book to my two favourite humans in the whole world, my children: Alex and Kaitlynn.

I thank you both for being my anchors in the darkest times in my life, and always encouraging me to be the best person I can be.

I am so grateful to be doing life with you.

I am so grateful to watch you grow into the beautiful humans that you are. You both make this world a much better place.

Keep being kind, compassionate, loving and understanding humans.

I am so proud of you.

I will always love you, my birth receivers.

I am forever grateful to be your birth giver.

I may walk in the darkness with a torch that goes out, but I am blessed.

I am blessed to know the depth of my darkness; and I am blessed with anchors.

My anchors keep me safe, even when I am alone in the dark. As I am fumbling for a reason to keep moving, my blessings remind me of what is important.

Silver linings line my darkest paths, as light bounces off the gold-encrusted break lines from previous battles won.

Many people do not understand, but this is the biggest blessing of all. As lack of understanding means there is lack of knowledge. This lack of knowledge means they have not yet travelled the darkest paths.

May your blessings keep you safe; may your loved ones keep you anchored.

This book is for you.

May you find peace in my words and guidance within these pages.

It is my deepest hope that this book will help you to understand the darkness and how to find your way out of it. I want you to know that you are not alone in your experiences, and that there is always hope.

I wrote this book for you, and if I can help just one person feel less alone in the dark, that makes it worth the effort. Thank you for reading.

Sincerely,

Your friend in the dark

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Depression

Anxiety

Anxious Behaviours

My View of CPTSD

Vulnerability

Abusers

Accepting The Unacceptable

Corporal G And The Camouflaged Stranger

Dissociation

Trauma Blocking

How Trauma Changed Me

Shadow Self

The Dark Triad

The Spectrum Of Narcissism And Echoism

Narcissism

Echoism

Machiavellianism

Psychopathy

Personality Disorders

The Ego

The Blame Game

Gaslighting

Negging

Triangulation

Flying Monkeys

Emotional Blackmail

Love Bombing

Dark Psychology

Carefully Crafted Lie

Weeds of Doubt

Emotional Neglect

Mirroring Behaviour

Guilt Trip

Brainwashing

Fear

Prolonged Stress

Empathy

Toxic Positivity

Co-Dependency

Victim Mentality

Personal Responsibility

Trauma Bonding

When My Dragon Takes Charge

Changes In Brain Function

Neurotransmitters

Triggers

Emotional Spirals

Psychotherapy

Chiropractic Therapy

Mindfulness

Meditation

Grounding

Reality Check

Red Flags

Grey Rocking

Learning To Put My Own Needs First

Self-Love

Self-Care

Self-Respect

Self-Esteem

Boundaries

Attachment Styles

Pulling Away

Time Alone

Counting Spoons

Not Missing Out

My Brothers Jumper

Trust

Grieving Lost Time

Learning Grace

Finding Balance

Letting Go Of Negative Emotions

Letting People Go

Time to Walk Away?

Hurtful Moments

The Dark Night

Death of Ego

How To Help A Loved One

Dealing With Suicidal Thoughts

Martin Pistorious

Feeling Whole

My Message to You

INTRODUCTION

FOURTEEN YEARS AGO, I HAD THIS overwhelming feeling that I needed to write a book and share my experiences with the world. I felt the need to share my view on the darkness that surrounded my life, a darkness commonly known as anxiety, depression, and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). My diagnosis was years away, but my urge to share my story grew stronger with time.

There have been many false starts to this book. Parts of my ghost book will be forever lost, scattered over devices and around the country. Those parts of my written story may be lost forever, but the lessons and the memories from those times will be forever seared into the fragments of my soul, heart and mind.

I started my healing journey not knowing what a narcissist was. At the time, it seemed that the whole world didn’t know what a narcissist was. I remember having to explain my research to those around me, and that led me to believe that I was going to write a book about narcissism.

Boy, have my views changed a lot since then. I now see the term narcissist on every Tom, Dick and Harry’s news feed. Everyone and his sister’s dog are narcissists these days. And on some levels this is correct, as we are all a little narcissistic.

There have been ups and downs since I began my healing journey seven years ago, but overall, I am in a much better place than I was. When I first started researching fourteen years ago, I had no idea what to expect or even where to begin. But I found some amazing resources and slowly but surely started putting the pieces together. This allowed me to start to heal in an authentic and valuable way. Seven years ago, I stepped into the dark night of the soul—a journey that has changed my life forever. One of the things that helped me most was writing about my experiences. It has allowed me to process everything that happened to me and has given me an outlet to express myself. While it can be difficult at times, it has been incredibly healing.

If you are just starting out on your own healing journey, I want you to know that you are not alone. Millions of people out there are struggling with the same things you are. And while it may seem impossible, there is hope. You can heal from this, and you will be okay. Just keep moving forward one day at a time, one step at a time. Trust me, you are worth it.

I can’t fix you, only you can do that. Working with a health care team, and supportive friends and family will help you along your recovery journey. But only you can fix yourself. You are the person that can say what you will and will not allow in your life anymore, but you can’t change others. They are the only ones that have the power to change themselves. Having a positive mindset is not going to stop bad things from happening. How can it? That is wishful thinking and it will set you up for a great amount of personal turmoil and heartbreak. You can do positive affirmations, but without the deeper, more meaningful work nothing will change. You set yourself up to become more depressed and think that there is something wrong with you because you tried to get better, like others have, and it didn’t work for you.

I have been there. I thought that affirmations were the way to go, but it wasn’t. I do have a few mantras that I go to when I need realignment within my mind, but these are not affirmations. These are tools that I use to ground myself in the here and now. It has taken me many years to find the mantras that work for me, and they are different for everyone.

What is a mantra? It is something that you say to yourself to bring you back into alignment with yourself, your values and your goals. One of my mantras is as simple as this:

I am safe. I am ok. I am safe. I am ok. I am safe. I am ok.

Healing is a very personal journey. What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. This is why you may feel that I am holding back at times when I talk about my healing journey or the traumatic events that I have endured in my lifetime. Reliving past traumas and telling you how hard I worked to fix the long-lasting effects of those traumatic events hurts me. Reliving the amount of emotional trauma makes me physically ill. I have been quite overwhelmed revisiting past traumas to write this book. I have pain in my body and in my mind. I am currently typing this chapter with vomit in my nasal cavity. Actual vomit. All I can smell is disgusting, half-digested food.

This morning I was having a self-care bath when randomly my mouth started watering and I had to jump out of the bath. Before I knew it, projectile vomit was streaming out of my body.

As you can see, oversharing can feel a little uncomfortable for you and for me. I am fighting the urge to delete this part of the text, but if you are reading this, I guess I swallowed that shame gremlin along with what was left of my vomit.

Long term healing isn’t pretty. It isn’t some new fad diet or retreat. It is dark, painful and at times it is downright ugly. You will face parts of yourself that you never knew were there. But you will leave the dark, dank, dusky cold well with grace and dignity. Don’t worry if you lose a bit of your grace and dignity during the healing process, the good news is you can still achieve greatness, and recover your lost dignity and grace. One thing for certain is you will know yourself better than you have ever known yourself before. You will understand what your triggers are, and what you may have done to trigger others. You will understand how to manage your triggers, and how you can help others in need. I see comments about how you can’t let your traumas change you, blah, blah, blah. I’m sorry, but this is incredibly shaming. Of course they are going to change you. You are not the same person anymore. It is ok to not be ok. To not be yourself for a while.

It is important to always remember that while you are processing deep trauma, you need to keep yourself and others safe.

Three broken men each gave me a gift.

One man gave me a box of fear. This taught me that to be fearless, first you must fear everything.

The second man gave me a box full of darkness and betrayal. This taught me to love myself first and cherish the true feeling of light.

The last man gave me a box of silence. His silence was deafening at first and provoked the other two gifts to dance around me screaming.

But the silence was the best gift of all.

Silence taught me to listen, not to fear. The silence taught me to warm my wings; not to suffer in the darkness, but to learn how to fly.

The silence taught me to hear the music within me and all around me.

In the silence, I found myself.

The fragments of my soul were scattered, crumbled and useless.

Now the pieces are covered in gold; and they are surrounded by the rhythmic beats of the darkness, the fear, and the silence.

Nothing quite beats walking the black dog, not for a mile, not even for two, but for an eternity, and a day.

He looks into your eyes, and has that all-knowing look. He is there to stay.

He turns and pulls on his lead.

You have no choice; you will follow him to the ends of the earth.

He must show you what you need to see, then he will let you go.

Until then, you are bound to him, like a child to its mother in the womb.

Where shall we start?

Where shall we go?

Sometimes, to feel,

We must first feel nothing.

DEPRESSION

DEPRESSION IS A MENTAL ILLNESS THAT can have a profound effect on people’s lives. It is important to be aware of the signs and symptoms of depression so that you can seek help if you are struggling.

There are many different signs and symptoms of depression, and it is important to remember that not everyone will experience all of them. Some common signs and symptoms include:

►feeling sad or down most of the time

►loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy

►poor concentration and memory

►fatigue and low energy levels

►changes in appetite and weight

►insomnia or disturbed sleep

►irritability or feelings of agitation

►feelings of worthlessness or guilt

►difficulty making decisions

If you are experiencing some of these signs and symptoms, it is important to seek help from a GP or mental health professional. There are many effective treatments for depression, so there is no need to suffer in silence. Help is available.

In Australia, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 for 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can also talk to your GP, who can provide you with further information and referrals to appropriate services.

It is ok to reach out to friends and family for support. Unfortunately, there is a lot of shame that surrounds mental illness. People feel weak for feeling unwell, and the truth is depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you are strong, and you have been burning the candle at both ends for too long, or you have been through a traumatic event and you are having trouble coming to terms with the grief and the loss.

This is a human reaction! Perfectly normal. It is ok to reach out and seek help and guidance.

Depression feels like I am at the bottom of a dark, dank, dusky cold well.

There is moss that grows on the cobble stone walls, and you can see the scratch marks that are left on the well walls from when I used to try to fight my way out of the darkness.

I tried to get other people’s attention but no one seemed to notice that I was not myself. They didn’t seem to notice that I was struggling to keep up. Time feels different when you are at the bottom of the well; it passes by much slower than when you are not in the darkness.

When I am at the bottom of the well, I can barely move from the weight of the world on my shoulders, let alone stand.

I lie here at the bottom of the well. In the cold. Alone.

How much time will pass this time?

Days, weeks, months or years?

It comes in waves, like the sea on the shore.

The sadness rolls in, just like before.

You feel yourself slide down the steep slope

That you just crawled up, using all your hope.

It’s cold down here amongst the quicksand.

Your skin is ripped up, and you’re too sore to stand.

You cannot change the past by remembering every detail you wish you could change.

You cannot control the future by avoiding things that scare you.

Depression is being stuck and fixated on the past. People don’t choose this; it just walks in with the black dog and settles at your feet. He reminds you of everything in your past, whether it is something that you regret, something that happened to you, something that you did to another or a traumatic experience. He sits at your feet and stares into your soul; he rips open every wound then makes them all bleed simultaneously. Dark thoughts flood your mind from the open gashes.

Anxiety is fear, fear of the unknown and fear of the known. Fear from past experiences that caused you pain. Anxiety is the leash that sits around the black dog’s neck. You either learn how to control the lead, or the black dog will drag you with it.

Anxiety and depression are best friends. Everyone deals with the black dog differently. Some people talk about it, some don’t say a word. Some drink the dog away, others drug it out.

Self-sabotage comes in all shapes and sizes. A common one is: Will anyone notice, and if they do, will they care?

If you are self-sabotaging, find a way to focus that energy into self-love. Learn how to walk the black dog, in your own way. Take charge; don’t ignore his presence. He has something to show you and he won’t leave until you listen.

The black dog can either teach you how to deeply love yourself or how to deeply hate yourself.

You have the power of choice; each choice takes the same amount of energy.

Which will you choose?

Love, or hate?

She lies in the darkness; tears roll down her face.

She tries to remember her happiest place.

It’s hard on this ride, and the recovery is long.

She lies there in silence; the darkness feels too strong.

She fell fast this time, and hard on her side.

She will stand up soon, taking the fall in her stride.

Until that moment, she will lie and sob,

For she lost something, she feels she was robbed.

The darkness takes hold, takes hold once again.

She gives in to the darkness; she gives in to the pain.

He ran into the arms of the devil himself.

Please help me, sir, as I cannot help myself.

And the devil said,

"Come here, my child, come sit with me.

Take a little of this, then you will see.

All the pain from within will no longer be remembered.

When you take this, your pain is suspended."

The man did as was told, and it worked as was promised.

The time slipped by, blurred and unfocused.

When the man looked down at his hands, they had aged beyond years.

Then when he looked at his face, he fought back the tears.

He no longer recognised himself, this old man in the mirror.

He had lost himself to the devil’s sweet whisper.

ANXIETY

ANXIETY IS A FEELING OF WORRY