How I Think I Should Be is B***S***! From Hiddenness to Open-Hearted: A Healing Memoir (not just) For Professional Women

By Eileen Marder-Mirman

Have you ever asked yourself these questions?

How can I be my true self?

I'm successful in life, so why do I feel so unhappy?

Why

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eileen Marder-Mirman
• Release date: Apr 14, 2023
• ISBN: 9781088064399

Book preview

PRAISE

If you’ve ever felt like you needed to be a certain way to fit the expectations of others, this book is must-read. It will feed your soul in unexpected ways! Eileen inspires us with her courage to explore that there is MORE to life. I had tears, laughter, and so many aha moments while reading this book. It brought me a deep sense of healing and connection.

Karen Hammond, M.A. Counseling

Through her deep introspection and observation of the world around her, Eileen passionately narrates the path of awakening available to all of us. She tells the intimate story of her own unfolding with tenderness and ferocity that can inspire us and teach us to face our own journeys courageously.

Jeff Ellias-Frankel, Ph.D. Psychologist

Eileen Marder-Mirman has written a thoughtful memoir that reflects upon the experiences in her life that led her to pursue spiritual healing. Her willingness to be open and honest with herself encourages her readers to be equally brave in identifying the pieces of their lives that don’t feel quite right. It helps others determine how they, too, can find a path to more peace within and move towards healing.

Lila Edelkind, M.A. Education

"This book is a journey! From the intriguing stories of Eileen’s family lineage to her struggles with inner conflicts and doubts... all so relatable and engaging, I couldn’t put the book down.

The many questions she poses are so relevant that if we have even a small inkling to explore more than the superficial layers of our personality, this book can be the guide. She walks us intimately through her challenge allowing us to witness as she faces ALL parts of herself - no matter how contrary to the image of how she prefers. It brought up many of my own questions and conflicts in such a natural way that revelations came along the way with no pressure."

Karen Atkins, Singer-Songwriter, Vitality Educator

This gem of a book is a deep and honest description of one woman’s spiritual journey in the midst of a regular life. It offers readers both courage and hope, demonstrating how staying true to one’s inner knowing can provide a path to the place we most yearn to reach—the healing and wholeness that awaits in our own hearts and souls.

Jane Sloven, Writer, Psychotherapist, Healer

Eileen takes you on a magical journey painted so beautifully with her words. She shares a lifetime of wisdom, experience, and heartache both poignant and passionate. Magnificently laid before you like an elaborate feast to nourish your soul and expand your heart.

Donna Velasco, Transformational Life Coach

HOW I THINK I SHOULD BE IS B***S***!

FROM HIDDENNESS TO OPEN-HEARTED

HEALING MEMOIR (NOT JUST) FOR PROFESSIONAL WOMEN

EILEEN MARDER-MIRMAN

Copyright © 2023 Eileen Marder-Mirman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of phonographic recording: nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private use, without prior written permission of the author.

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, visit https://www.eileenmardermirman.com/

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023900504

ISBN eBook 9781088064399

ISBN Paperback 9781088064320

Printed in the United States of America.

The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Author Disclaimer: I have tried to recreate events,locales and conversations from my memories of them.In order to maintain their anonymity in some instances I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details such as physical properties, occupations, and places of residence.

DEDICATION

For my husband, Jamie, who is finally awakening from the bullshit.

For my son, Josh, who inspires me with his dedication to living the best life possible with his loving wife, Rebecca, and their son, Levi.

And to Levi, the joy of my life, who opens my heart every day.

Without their abiding love this book would not exist.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Praise

Foreword

Introduction

1: Born with Force

2: Mothering

3: Loss

4: The Presence

5: Lineage

6: Who am I?

7: Why Awaken?

8: Prayer

9: Rescue

10: Death

11: Hatred

12: Drugs, Sex, Rock & Roll, and Gurus

13: Resistance

14: Intuition

15: Ritual

16: Synchronicity

17: Safety

18: True Intimacy

19: Aggression

20: Uncertainty

21: Separation

22: Meditation

23: Nourishment

24: Stopping and Turning into Myself

25: Dis-ease

26: Cracking the Code

27: Imperfection

28: Power

29: Surrender

30: Mystery

31: Kindness

32: Forgiveness

33: Wholeness

34: Walking the Path

35: Gratitude

36: It’s All About Love

Acknowledgments

References

About the Author

Resources

FOREWORD

When a teacher looks into the heart of a student, he or she sometimes sees the unique quality that student will bring to the world, often years later, when the student becomes a master healer themselves. The teacher senses the flavor of the teachings that is embodied in the student’s being and how they will present not only the way to their own students, but their way.

What I know about Eileen Marder-Mirman is that she is determined, forthright, and never backs down from following her heart. Because of that, she is the passionate advocate of the heart of each person who comes to her for healing.

This book reveals Eileen’s blueprint for her life. Each uncovering of her early suffering hides within it the plan she formulated throughout her life of how to move closer to the light. She never lost, it seems, the sense of this light even in the darkest or, in her case, the most confusing moments. It seems to me to have been a minor miracle, a personal mir- acle that reveals what the universe gave her, what it loaned her, to be more specific as a custodian of the light that she has been permitted to pass on to others.

To be a healer of Eileen’s caliber means to be as undefended as possible, to not only erect no barriers to the world of the imperfect self whenever possible, but to consciously take them down as they are discovered, to follow the scent, the fragrance of bravery, that says go here, learn this, don’t be afraid to start again.

At one point in this book, Eileen writes:

After a lifetime of healing, meditation, prayer, and other spiritual practice, I have realized that the Presence was never separate from me. Today, I feel the Presence inside of me and around me most of the time except when I get lost in some neurotic fearful place. And then I must stop and remember, that I am never too far away from the Presence, because it is inside of me and around me.

Please note this passage for two things. The first is that she has contact with this Presence and knows that it exists both within her and around her. This means it is not self-generated by her egoic self. She doesn’t claim ownership of it but rather partakes of it in a genuine way. But, more importantly to me, is the passage that starts with the words except when I get lost in some neurotic fearful place.

In this day, when self-aggrandizement is the norm, and therefore the least trustworthy part of people we are trying to trust, this statement, nakedly honest and undefended, means that here is a person who knows something about what it means to be a truly spiritual being, a perfectly imperfect being who can—spiritually speaking—shake hands with each person she meets and helps because she does not have territory to defend but only heart to share. And that, to me, is another one of Eileen Marder-Mirman’s essential qualities: she’s willing to go the extra mile. As her teacher and now, her dear friend, I have been the recipient of her generosity many times. Her attitude toward this type of giving? Of course! That’s the way it is! It is never articulated that way but felt that way because it comes naturally to her. It fills her soul.

Eileen is willing to walk into anything. As you go through this book, following the trail that Eileen walked to become who she is today, her essential goodness comes to the reader front and center. It did for me. To follow a good person, a real person, a struggling person, and watch her emerge from shock to splendor, is an amazing thing. Please walk with her and be inspired. Then your heart and her heart can meet and share. That is the greatest healing there is.

Jason Shulman, Founder, A Society of Souls

INTRODUCTION

As a psychotherapist and a healing teacher, I have met and worked with hundreds of professional women (and men) over the past 45 years. Many of them have struggled with not knowing how to fully express their authentic selves and live life on their own terms.

They knew that there was more to life than what they were experiencing, they just didn’t know what it was or how to feel connected to themselves and others in an honest way.

How can I be my true self?

I’m successful in life, so why do I feel so unhappy?

Why do I feel like something is missing?

Does being who I truly am mean I have to destroy everything I created?

I don’t tell you how to live, I tell you what I have done, how I found myself and embraced my imperfections so that I can be in relationship with people just where they are.

As a child, I unconsciously developed a powerful manifesto: Don’t be who you are; stay safe and hidden at all costs.

There was one significant problem — I always knew something wasn’t right.

When the stars finally aligned, I gave myself permission to wake up to this truth...How I Think I Should Be is B***S***.

Once I understood that, I refused to spend any more time cocooned within a false sense of safety. My decision was clear, so I rolled up my sleeves and set out on my journey to awakening.

Even so, this journey was not easy. I had no idea how to be myself.

I began by questioning everything. I turned my beliefs on their head and inside out. I learned that by being honest with myself and developing a real and truthful relationship with all my inner parts, I could begin to transform.

The paths were many: vision quests, gurus, psychotherapy, energy healing, creativity, knitting, hiking, and plant medicine, to name a few. Each experience taught me something about myself and about the world and offered me new insights. Each place was a portal into my truest self.

Remembering my story was the gateway that allowed my broken parts to be touched and held by me. As I gave my shattered parts a place inside my mind, body, and spirit, I realized that by being present with my own open heart I could inhabit my true home.

Ever so carefully, I entered secret crevices, I uncovered exiled emotions, I discovered my heartbreak. I entered my body in a new way. Believe it or not, there was more freedom here. Touching and growing into a real relationship with my shadow side felt both frightening and enlivening.

I swam in an ocean of tears. I wept for the me who had been lost in the darkness. As I shed all the layers of protection, I’d wound around myself — my fear, my anger, and my arrogance — I realized that the more I embraced my emotional pain and suffering, the wider my heart opened. It wasn’t easy. Yet each piece I healed offered me another level of freedom.

It took me many years and much work before I realized that the answers to many of life’s questions lived hidden inside of my heart.

Today, I can rest in my truth: I am already whole and simultaneously I have frailties, imperfections, and limitations. I don’t have to be perfect. I am fine just the way I am. And I am committed to love myself and others with all my heart and soul.

This memoir is my way of sharing my deepest realizations. I bring my experiences to you. I bring the map of the territory I traversed through the dark and the light to you. My prayer is that it will inspire you to become more of your imperfect, real, compassionate, and authentic self and help you navigate the beauty and suffering of this uncertain, imperfect, strange, and crazy life.

Since we likely can’t speak 1-on-1 about this, this book is my gift to you. And I hope you will join in the movement against the bullshit that people say we have to be.

May you be blessed.

Eileen

1

BORN WITH FORCE

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

~Mary Oliver

No choice. I was ready. As I made my descent into the world, the gurgling contractions were innately ripe. With no warning of any kind, I was violently taken from my warm oceanic home with a terrifying and disorienting cold foreign object. It forced its way next to me and wrapped around my soft, vulnerable head and developing brain. My natural rhythm aborted. Sensing the next moment was no longer possible. All inherent instinctive knowing was exiled.

Welcome to the world.

No love, no gentle holding, no consideration for my sweet, naked, little fragile body, no awareness that I was traumatized, no connection with my mother who was drugged to not feel pain. I was handed off to a stranger who obediently did her duty; it was a cold, sterile room. Nothing holy, no warmth, no shimmering.

No heart connection, only shock, disorientation, pain, and suffering.

These unnatural moments were imprinted into my body, my pre-verbal mind, and my spirit. Newborns need to bond with the people they meet at birth. Did I bond to the doctor? Or to the nurse? Did I bond with anyone?

Mom’s lack of consciousness during the actual birthing process affected me. Being drugged before I was born affected me. The doctor’s need to get this done in his time flowed into me. Being taken from my mother affected me. Nurses scurrying about and quickly cleaning me up flowed into me.

It is amazing that I was able to thrive.

It was standard birthing protocol in Manhattan, New York hospitals in 1954 — drug the mother so she doesn’t feel pain, forcefully pull the baby out with forceps, and have the father stay alone in the waiting room. Nothing natural. All controlled. Outrageous!

According to the medical journals I could access, the protocol to drug the birthing mothers and use forceps for births during 1954 was to help doctors speed up the birthing process. There was no scientific reason why this should have been done. Also, often there was tremendous trauma to the infant—brain damage, cerebral palsy, and death. And many mothers suffered from a lifetime of incontinence along with other uterine and vaginal conditions.

And then there was this.

Throughout his life, my father told me the story of how the nurse brought me out so he could meet me and hold me after I was cleaned up. He reveled in the fact that he was the first to hold me. I was loved and wanted. I believe that love and my profound early connection to spiritual presence is what sustained me throughout my life.

Manhattan, New York, 1954. Eisenhower was president, Leonard Bernstein was conducting at Carnegie Hall, Damn Yankees and Peter Pan were on Broadway. Hope, creativity, passion, and prosperity filled the air.

Not a bad time to be born.

New York City had finally overcome the Great Depression and was reshaping itself from the ravages of World War II. The flood of survivors and refugees through Ellis Island ended. New York was becoming a financial mecca, European artists migrated to Manhattan, the manufacturing businesses and factories sprouted up all over the five boroughs of New York City.

After my parents married in 1950, they lived with my maternal grandparents in a two-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side. It was a special part of the city; it was a Jewish enclave and refuge with lots of European refugees.

At that time, my young parents’ understanding and belief about life was immature and undeveloped. They easily fell into subjugation with doctors who they saw as all powerful and wise. They completely gave their power over to the doctor, it was certainly a time of ignorance and appeasement for two intellectuals.

Women had very few rights in 1954, even in the prosperous, artistic, spirited world of New York City. Women were not thought of as equal; they were fearful of what others would think if they were successful in a man’s world — medicine, law, university professorship, and more.

Women also had their place as caretakers who oversaw